Goodbye my angel

After 10 days torture post our 1st scan, today is the day that we hear our verdict. The morning was long and hard before the scan and I was worrying sick...finally the screen was up, I can see the big black gestation sac but I am having trouble of seeing my baby I hoped could have caught up in size...my heart sunk...so when the sonographer told me"its not good news, I can see the heartbeat...and at 8 weeks 6 days, I should be able to see that...I think it must have stopped not long after your last scan..." I was just feeling numb, I was actually surprised that I didn't burst into tears, right there....

Then I got dressed, got home...DH and I just couldn't get over the fact that this could happend to us...we are so close to our dream and suddenly all is taken away...why let us have all the happiness and joy then destroy it? It is just too cruel...

I am still feel quite numb now and I know part of reason I am not completely crushed is because I need to deal with the next step...ie. D&C...FS will call soon to arrange it...but I am a bit freak out as what to expect...I can't believe my very first pregnancy ended in tragedy like this...

It is also extremly hard to think of things like 'when to start again?" But all I know is today that we lost our angel...outside sun is shining and my world is completely dark right now...

Oh Beibei...

I'm so so sorry...

Like you have said, it's so cruel and such a tragedy...

I know there is nothing to say that can make it better but please know that you are so in my thoughts right now...

I hope you are surrounded by much love and comfort at this sad time...

Monnie xoxo

BeiBei

I am soo sorry for lost baby. No words can make the pain any better, just know that I am here if you need me.

TBH, the d&c for me was the easiest part but the most heartwrenching, as they were actually taking my baby from me at that point. As long as the baby was in me I felt that "he" was still safe IYKWIM.

Take each day as it comes, if you need to cry, scream, yell, hit a pillow, do whatever you feel to help you through this. The first few weeks are the hardest, but as each day goes by, (it sounds so wrong at the moment) it does get easier.

We got a special teddy made for our lost baby, others get angel pendants, plant a tree, etc.

Once again I am so sorry for your loss.
K

I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs:

Take care of yourself sweetie.

Lv Spring

Sorry for your loss BeiBei :hug:

:hugs: BeiBei, I had so hoped that you wouldn't have to feel this pain.

I'm so very, very sorry that you have to deal with this too.

I know it's awful and horrible and just plain revolting now, but it does get better, slowly.

Take care of yourself and DH. Grieve, cry, yell, scream, shout, throw things if you have to.

But know this... we've walked together before, we will walk through this together now... and eventually we will together walk through successful pregnancies.

I'm so very, very sorry that you have to feel this pain, BeiBei. :hugs: :cry:

BW

Sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your DH through this awful time. :hug: xo

Oh BeiBei,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time of grief.

Lynnette x

I'm terribly sorry to hear this.
Curl up in bed and take care of yourself ok?

xoxoxox

Now the flood gate is open and I just couldn't stop it...:cry:

Thank you BW for your care and concern especially while you are going through your own loss ATM...I hope the pain does go away at some stage...the only comfort for me is that at least the little caterpillar will keep him company, they are only 1 day apart and they will look after each other...just like we do....

BeiBei, don't try to stop the tears... cry, it helps. It really does. And when you think there are no more tears left, you'll cry even more. It hurts, nothing hurts like this. But it's important to feel the pain - you won't be able to move on by trying to hide it. Don't try to pretend to be ok, it only gets worse if you do.

Yes, my Caterpillar and your angel will be playing together. They won't be alone as they have each other. I wish I could be with you now, BeiBei - to give you a big, big hug and cry with you. Know that I'm thinking of you and sharing your tears right now, even if I can't be there in person.

BW

That's a good thing, let it go, cos you just cannot swallow this sort of pain.
Let it rip xoxoxox

im so sorry for your loss i no just how your feeling my thoughts are with you and your dh take care hun

Beibei - So sorry for your loss. Take this time to grieve. Thinking of you. TC

Beibei cry as much as you want, BW is right, it really does help. Im crying with you, for your angel, for my angel, for everyones angels that have flown away.
We are all here for you, praying that you and your DH will find the strenght to get through this terrible time. You are not alone.

hugs
treelo

beibei, I'm so so sorry - I know the pain.
I went to have an u/s done and imagine to my surprise that there was absolutely nothing on the screen, imagine my heart sinking so fast :(

FS called and my D&C is tomorrow monring at 7am, I didn't know that you are put under general anethestic, is this common? On the other hand, its a kind of relief as I don't know how I can deal with it emotionally...

I'm honestly not sure - I had a natural m/c and never had the D & C because my doctor said it all probably just came out cleanly - As far as I know it's general anethestic

I think the general anaesthetic is normal. Probably not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally, it's not something you want to be awake for. Physically, I found the D&C easier to deal with than my EPU, but I was rather hyperstimulated then.

Strange as it seems, you will feel better afterwards - I was just sickened by the thought that my body held on...

It's going to be a rough night, BeiBei. I hope you manage to get some sleep. Know that we are thinking of you and your DH and your angel. My prayers are with you at this awful time.

It does get better - I promise! I'm so relieved I'm having a good day today so that I have some strength spare to support you through this. :hugs:

BW

sending you a big hug and the very best of luck with everything you face.
It does get better, I have suffered 2 m/c myself, one recently and you will always keep them in your heart and hold on to them forever.
:hug:

Bei Bei - my heart sank when i seen your post on here - it just seems so unfair that so many beautiful angels are being called to heaven far too soon. There must be a beautiful playground full of all our precious angels, playing together and watching over us all.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this hun - please give yourself time to grieve - be sad, be angry - you have every right to feel all of this and so much more. we are all grieving with you hun. take care of yourself and your husband and know that we are all thinking of you.

Thank you guys to spare your shoulders for me to cry on...and most importantly that you do understand the pain as you all have been there...I am just so grateful to have you all and I don't know how I can get through this without you...

Strange as it sounds, I think I will feel better afterwards...as it marks as a new begining and hope, when you hit the rock bottom and been through the worst, light should start to come in...I hope

It does, BeiBei, it does.

Believe in the light. You may not be able to see it for a while but it is there. I'm taking strength from the beautiful women I know who have been through this and overcome... They've endured losses, but they now have beautiful children. It can be beaten.

But this is all stuff to worry about later. For now, take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. Cry. Get DH to pick up take away for dinner. Take the phone off the hook and shut out the world for a while. Don't try to talk about it yet, just spend time together and grieve for what could have been. The time to think about what's ahead will come later.

BW

I am so sorry for your loss.

Big big hugs :hug: take care of yourself

BeiBei,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow morning.

Talking about 'taking the phone off the hook and shut off the world", work called twice about the work...its nice to feel you are irreplacable but that's just not what I need ATM...I am going to email my boss (a very nice man who consider me as his star) that I won't be at work tomorrow maybe not even next week, but don't know what to tell him...nobody knows I was pregnant at work...now this...

BeiBei

I think emailing your boss is a good idea. Just tell him you have to go to hospital for a procedure under general and that you don't know how long you are going to need off.

If he is a decent person he won't ask any questions and if he does, tell him it's none of his business.

Thinking of you now and tomorrow.

Take care :hugs:
Lv Spring

BeiBei, can you get your DH to do the telling? Even if he writes the email for you and sends it. If they all knew, it's best that they know about the loss before you go back to avoid as many insensitive comments as possible.

I don't think there's any easy way to get through this at all. :( You are going to need time off work. Physically, the recovery is swift, but you'll need time for your heart to mend a little before you can go back to normal life.

BW

Sorry BW, nobody knows at work about my pregnancy...that's why I am torn if I should tell my boos (don't plan to tell anyone else anyway) so that he can be more understanding if I am not my usual self at work...

Hi BeiBei,

Firstly I would like to say that I am ever so sorry for your loss, I too went thru the exact same thing just a month ago (4am tomorrow morning!). My body actually rejected my baby, so I didnt need a D&C. It truly was a horrible thing, but yes we do somehow get over it bit by bit (this was my third m/c in a row!!). I still feel so strange that I am no longer pregnant, and often think that I am???? But just spend some time crying as it really helped me.
About telling your boss, I think I would tell him what is happening, could even be worth talking to him on the phone, especially as he thinks you're his star anyway. I told my boss exactly what was happening and she was ever so understanding and actually told me to take time off if I felt I needed it. She even gave me a cuddle and made me feel like someone actually cared that I had just lost my baby. I took a whole week off and then when I went back to work I felt a lot better.
Of course there is no way you will ever forget what happened and when you see a pregnant mother or a newborn, you remember that was you and once again the emotions all come back.......but, time does heal, slowly, very slowly, but eventually you will feel like you can go on again.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow morning and hoping that you feel a lot better once everything settles down.
My thoughts are with you,
Many hugs and please take things easy....:hugs:

Thank you lj268 for taking the time sharing your experience, I am so sorry to hear your loss not long ago, it must be so hard when the anniversary comes along...regardless its week, month or year, we know it will forever be in our heart...that fateful date..

But I am glad you are feeling a lot better now as that gives me hope to cope ATM, I am counting the day that I could see sun is shining again...

Yes Beibei, its commonw. I had a D & C after my first m/c. They were very sensitive about it. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

hugs to you and your DH
treelo

bei bei

so sorry for the loss of your angel life just sucks i really hope you can get through this sad time my thoughts are with you and your partner.

take care of one another

Munchy xxx

Bei Bei I'm truly sorry that you are going through this awful experience hun. Please know that we are all thinking of you and your dh. I think you should tell your boss that you are going to have surgery and you will be needing time off hun. You may need a week or 2 weeks off who knows. Just be sure to take care of yourself and allow your self time to heal sweety.

It must be a great playground in heaven cause there are so many tiny angels up there looking after each other thats for sure.

Well, I'm here for you if you need anyone to talk to BeiBei

I'm so sorry about your loss. I didn't tell any one at work about my recent loss, not even my boss at the time it happened. As I started to get over it though, I found I needed to talk about it and told my closest work colleague. I felt I had to do it as I kept saying little things that must have been really cryptic to her. I was having to take time off for tests and an ultrasound & doctors appointments and it was getting hard to hide what had occurred. I also felt I was acting differently & bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and I felt it was important that the girl who sits next to me knew what was going on and didn't think I'd just suddenly gone mental. It was a huge relief when I got it off my chest. I've since told a couple of others at work in an effort to stem all the baby talk they were doing around me. It's a really hard road to travel but you will get through this.

BeiBei, I hope your procedure went as well as can be expected. I hope you are resting up at home, and allowing yourself the time to need to let your heart mend itself.

Still thinking of you :hugs:

BW

Bei Bei I hope everything has gone as well as it could have hun. I hope that you are home now taking it easy and resting. Take care and know that we are all here for you.

Hey BeiBei...thinking of you this morning...I hope that everything went okay...

Take care chickie...

Monnie xo

BeiBei,
I just saw this post...there is nothing much I can say to help you except, I am here anytime. Your and DH hearts must be breaking at this news and although this little angel was only here for such a short time..you will never be the same.
((Hugs))
Bec