* Telling people about TTC?

hi everyone,

My DH and I are going to start TTC in June. I have been keeping track of my dates and temps so I know when I ovulate so we have a better chance of when we actually start to commence.

What I want to know from you others that are TTC is what you tell your family and friends? We are torn as to whether to tell them that we are starting to TTC or not. There are fors and againsts as to why I guess. Both sets of parents and my best friend know what are plans are, although the rest of our friends and family do not. I know that I will hate lying to them if they ask if we are trying and we are but we say we aren't. And then waiting 12 weeks or so when you do finally get pg! I must admit, that is one part I am not looking forward to, not telling anyone.

On the other hand, being bugged about whether we are pg or not every other day, I am not I could handle that either, especially if the TTC is long term.

Thoughts please everyone - TIA

nellbe

We didn't tell our families or anyone else for that matter. We just didn't want to be asked constantly whether "it had happened". I think the added pressure can be hard. On the other hand, if you do want to share with close friends or family members, so you can openly talk about it - why not.
We told everyone who asked us about having children that we would start trying in October this year (just to get them off our back).

We haven't told many people that we are TTC - My mother, sister, and my dh's sister are the only people that know! I think there can be too much pressure if too many people know, especially, as you said, if it's long term ttc.

Hi Nellbe!

Welcome to BB!!

We've been TCC for 12 months and haven't told anyone about it. The only person who knows is my Mum, mainly for moral support and because as a girl, I think you need someone to sound off.

Personally, I think if we could predict that we'd get pregnant quickly, then we may have told some of our closest friends, but I am very glad that we didn't because 12 months of very well meaning 'has it happened yet' and all that would be really crushing I think. Plus I don't think I would enjoy it if that was the beginning of every conversation.

The 12WW when it finally does happen - I think that even though it will be hard to not tell (and to not look like the cat who ate the canary!!), if anything goes wrong then it allows you to make decisions etc in your own time and space without having other peoples ideas and advice 'forced' upon you. And by the time you tell them at 12W, there is not that many weeks to go!!!

BUT, every person is different. You need to do what you feel is right for you and your DH, because whether your TCC is short or long, it can be quite stressful at times and you may feel that you need the support of others around you to help you get through.

Most of us find the BB website a great source of this type of support!!

Let us know how you decide and best of luck TCC!! Hope your time TCC is short.

Love
Gabby O:)

Oooookay, ready for my story.... It's a long one!!!

We decided to TTC on Mother's Day 2002 (while at a picnic with both our families!) and told no-one at the time. A few months down the track I told my mum, who obviously told my dad. I also told my younger sister and that was it. We had a 3 month break when we sold our first home & bought this one & mum, dad & sister knew we weren't trying anymore.

THEEEEN, we decided to try again. Didn't tell anyoe this time. Then when we got to 10 months of trying & I was starting to get worried I asked mum how long it took her to get pg. Dad clicked to what was going on first & then so did mum. My younger sister was there at the time, so she knew again.

When it came to 12 months my Dr sent DH for testing & with all this going on my older sister & younger brother also found out - so now ALL of my family knew.

About 4 weeks ago when driving to a Hen's Night with two friends I told them about why I wasn't drinking lately - they had been pestering me to have a drink with them for a while. One of them knew already & I had suspected that cos her partner is DH's best friend.

The one that didn't know before I told her sent me text messages for the next week asking if I was pregnant. It was kinda embarrassing telling her that, no my period has come. We then went to a picnic with all of our friends for me to find ot that DH had told all of the guys about his tests, so they obviously told all of their partners so now they alllll know. There is only one that has been bugging me about it really - the one mentioned above.

Now you may have noticed that my ILs have not been mentioned.... They don't know & we want it to stay that way. I fyou think of Everybody Loves Raymond - that's them!!!!! Even though as far as they are aware we're not trying it doesn't stop them from talking about it constantly. At Christmas time my FIL told DH that we need to get lessons from his cousin (who had a 2month old at the time) how to "do it". I just couldn't handle the comments if he knew we are actually trying.

So there you have it. Some know, some don't. I think it really depends on how you think they will react....

Thanks ladies for your thoughts and replies. I really appreciate it. DH and I will talk about it a bit more I think. I am glad that my folks and his mum knows. Both mums have been great already although I think my mum wonders what all the fuss is about! I have been reading a few library books about pre conception care and through the advice of those and my GP both of us have stopped caffeine, alcohol and eating crappy. Mum thinks I am crazy and let nature take it's course. I disagree, I think nature needs a helping hand.

My best friend is also TTC so it is fantastic to have her support, although she does live in another state! I am pleased we can go through this together.

So yes, thank goodness for such a great forum like BB.... I am definately going to stick around a while! :)

PS The very best of luck for all currently TTC, lots of :pinkdust: for you all.

LOL about IL's Sarah but I know what you mean...mine would be like vultures so they certainly don't get to know. The only people who know are my two best friends and they are for moral support - one has been great as she had trouble and is really helpful and supportive. The other makes me feel a little like a science experiment gone wrong, she means well but it would be easier if she didn't know.

Just letting you all know that my DH and I have decided to tell a select few only about TTC. MY 3 gf's, one whom is also currently TTC and the other two recently have just had children, and both sets of parents.

We really didn't want too many people to know as I know that my BIL's and SIL's would be like that friend of yours Sarah - are you pg yet? are you pg yet? Don't think I can handle that.

We will wait until the safe time to tell as well, hopefully I won't get too sick and it won't be that noticeable.

thanks again for you thoughts :)

I have only told 2 friends that we have been TTC. I havent told anyone from my family though, not even my mum. I'm sure she will work it out soon.

The reason I havent spread the word is that I dont want to have to deal with all the annoying questions from people: "so are you pregnant yet?". I suppose by not telling people, I occasionally get the "so when are you go to try for a baby?" question....
Basically, I just didnt want everyone to know. Its not really their business and i dont want people asking probing questions all the time.

I dont know if DH has told anyone... probably, he blabs about everything.

When we first started TTC we didn't tell anyone and when i did get pg 2 years later my mum was sooo excited that she told the world when i was only 5wks...i then went on to m/c at 8 wks and that was the hardest thing as we weren't living in town at the time so after we lost our angel, we came home for the weekend so i could be with my mum, so of course wherever i went i would get congratulations and then had to tell people i had lost my baby. When we started AC we told all of our family and a heap of friends as everyone kept asking if we were still trying and i just sort of came out that we were seeing a fertility specialist, and now i wish that we didn't because now i keep getting the 'how's it going', 'has it worked yet', 'when are you due to test' questions etc etc etc.....

We've stopped the AC for now, but are still actively trying, but now i just tell people (including all the family and close friends)that we're having a break for a couple of years and will then try again....it's given us a bit of leway (sp?) to keep at it without the stress...

because we're going to do IVF when we were discussing it the families & friends & workmates were all told. Now we've decided to only harvest so friends & workmates know this and will be supportive when I'm going thru all the hormones etc. When it comes to the time that we're going to try to fall pg then I don't know if we'll tell anybody.

My mum knew when i was planning to come off the pill, and I went into a bit more detail when I started having trouble - I had a 100 day cycle and I needed someone to talk to, basically. We also ended up telling the inlaws, because every time I felt sick, the SIL's said "youre not pregnant are you?" and we wanted the PIL's to tell them to stop making comments. My best friend, who lives OS also knows, and so does another close friend of mine. I'm seriously thinking of just telling people, in the future, because in the last week I have had four people ask me when I am planning on having another one, and why don;t I hurry up or there'll be a big age gap between the two. I think I'm just going to resort to shock tactics and say "well, actually, we've been trying for 6 months and the doctors don't know what's wrong with me". Maybe then people will realise how insensitive questions like that can be and leave me alone...

sorry - this has been a rant all about me! :o

We have not told anyone how seriously we are trying. Parents know nothing. 2 Close set of friends we said it would be nice for it to be soon after we found out someone we knew is pregnant. But its not like we are going, oh yeah we are temping, shoving sticks into my pee to see if im Ovulating, then shoving sticks in pee when im late for my
period hopeing that im pregnant.Then as the time goes on, when they have approached the subject its just been im really happy with work, and well would love a puppy first before a baby, knowing full well its going to be ages before we can get a dog, giving us some extra time.

This time some friends know & OMG the questions are driving me nutso. "Soooo are you drinking this weekend wink wink" and all that sort of stuff. I HATE IT!!

I must admit, I'm almost dreading my soon-to-be-married cousin making an announcement later this year. I know that, as I'm the only other married one, I'll get all the comments (I get mild ones now; everyone expects an announcement so I make d@mn sure I eat unpasturised cheese, drink wine and caffine and just enjoy myself around family). So I just plan to turn round to anyone asking me and say to them: "Wow, XXX, I didn't know you were so rude! Imagine asking your grandaughter/niece/cousin about her sex life! And what do you want the answer to be? That, actually, we've been trying for two years? That I'm six weeks gone and didn't want anyone to know yet? Or that I lost a baby recently? Would any of those answers satisfy?"

I just know that by having that answer ready no-one's going to ask me so I can make them feel bad. But if I ever feel ill and tell my mum she's so excited now, thinking I'm pg, even when I tell her I'm not. "Oooh, three weeks into your cycle, you could be!" "Um, no, not when I have a six-week cycle and don't ovulate until week 4." "Oh, you don't know that; you're pregnant." I sooooo love telling her when my period has come when she's done that to me. When I do get pregnant I'm not going to tell her anything other than the fact I'm healthy and fine so she can't pretend she knew first when I tell her at 14 weeks.

Actually, kind of dreading just nursing a glass or two of wine at my cousin's hen do, and not having caffine. I don't drink lots because I don't like to get drunk, I like to enjoy the wine, but try telling my sister that's a good reason to have alcohol. And I don't want her to know I am seeing someone about stuff so can't have caffine either because I don't want my mum to know.

So yes, no-one but me and DH are to know (except all of you, of course!). And again, no-one to know we're having a baby until we make it to 14 weeks. That will be hard as BiL announced his and SiL's baby at 7 weeks pg, but I'm not doing that just in case. And I have to hope DH respects that.

Only a few close friends knew at first but then when we started getting the 'ooohh, so when are you guys going to have kids?' and 'you've been married 3yrs already, why no kids yet?'; we got sick of the comments and decided to tell the family (who were making these comments) that ACTUALLY we'd been trying already for 4 months at that time. Boy did that shut them up quickly!

Gosh it's irritating, isn't it?? bewqare: rant following.

One of the reasons I love this website is the anonymity: from this you can probably guess we haven't told anyone we are thinking of TTC in the soon-er-not-too-distant-future.

I desperately want to avoid any questions. No-one's business except our own. Not that we haven't had any questions about when we're going to have babies. DH is a terrible "put-'em-off-the-scent-er" and generally says they should ask me. So of course by the time they come to see me, they're already convinced we're trying because DH has a stupid grin on his face and doesn't have the wherewithal to say "No" or "NOYFB" or "You'll find out when we're pregnant and not before". Thanks, mate. I should be thankful he's a crap liar, I suppose!! And we're not really officially hard-core trying to conceive yet, either. God forbid what it'll be like...

I wonder if anyone else will relate to this? I am reluctant to tell any friends because they generally fall into three categories:

a) no way, they're not ready to "pop one out", are you kidding??: therefore the whole concept is not something they are ready or willing to grasp yet.
b) they're desperate to find a partner and then "pop one out" as quickly as possible: therefore I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But it's also going to be hard to be wailed at that I have to wait for them because they want to have babies when I do. (Why should I have to base my decision on what life stage they're at??)
c) imminent "poppage of one out" within the next year, after career milestones being reached. We all know what's going on in each other's minds but everyone's very "private". We all want to have kids around the same time but no-one's willing to speak their mind. I foresee months of secretiveness as everyone tries to hide it and watches for restricted consumption of coffee, alcomohol or brie! Unfortunately consensus is I'll be the first one to "pop one out" as I am not in the same career path or income bracket. I doubt anyone'll tell anyone before 20 weeks anyway which seems like a long lonely wait.

I guess we'd need to think about when would be a good time to tell family. We'd want to tell them first, but probably not immediately.

However I wonder if I'll need a support network, in which case we might tell a few friends in category c, but again not immediately. Unfortunately this means one or two others (category B) will be insanely p***ed off when they finally hear and wail and cry at not being told too. What the hell does one do in that situation??

hehehehe re. Queenie's 'poppage of one out'. Made me laugh.
And to the question 'are you pregnant?' SO RUDE OF PEOPLE TO ASK! I'm not sure they actually think about what you'll answer....anyone with half a brain should know not to ask! I hated updating my sisters or even best friends when they questioned me. It was so frustrating to be told 'oh, it was so easy, we concieved the very first time we tried', and 'my cousin was the same as you but she went on a holiday to relax and now she's pregnant'. Both comments said by a most dear friend, who was missing her tact that day...anyway. GOOD LUCK ALL TTC'ers.

I remember being told I must be pregnant one late Friday afternoon because I yawned... then I had my arm picked up and because my wrist was limp that "proved" it. Well, DH and I laughed at that one later that night. I do start to worry that I "look" pregnant though - I mean, to look pregnant you need a right old belly, don't you? Needless to say, I don't want to look pregnant until a way after the 14 week mark - that's the earliest I'm telling people - and don't want people to guess before I want to tell them.

Actually, before I do tell them I may reply to that question with "are you saying I've got a bit of a belly going on?" That should shut them up.

Queenie, I so hear you about the types of friends. I get very frustrated with people who assume that they don't want babies so I don't, or they have babies/are pg/are TTC so I must be TTC too. I do have one friend I see every few months (well, a drug rep for the people who make the Pill, she pops in every now and then, but she's really nice!) who I know has been TTC for about 4 months now - she knows I'm trying to get DH to go for it sooner too - and while I don't want to seem uninterested I don't want to specifically ask either, because I'm sure she's sick of all the waiting! Of course, that means I can't recommend this place to her without talking TTC first!

I have been quite open about telling people we are TTC a second one. I think for the most, people are aware babies don't just happen for people straight away, and that it can take time. For those who don't know that, then this is one way to help them to learn a little more about life. I am happy about TTC, and when I fall pregnant (forever the optimist here) I plan to tell friends and family and BB too.

Someone has a signature on this site that reads something like:
"those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter". Its Dr Suess I believe, and I think it applies to a lot of stuff in life.

I just really don't understand what gives people the idea that they have the right to ask such questions! Don't they realise that it is such an emotional journey for a lot of us, and that constant questions/innuendo doesn't help at all??? I agree with those of you who wonder at what sort of answers these people are looking for - I'm sure the "well we've already been trying for X amount of months and aren't having any success" isn't one of them!

We haven't told our family and I have only told a few close friends, one of which is pregnant ATM. i have one friend who has been asking since the wedding and isn't wuite getting the hint that I am hating it almost as much as when she kept asking me if I was excited yet before the wedding!!! I feel harrassed when people are at me all the time!!!

Hello and welcome,
I think it is a tough call whether to tell people or not. DH and i were very excited that at last we were 'ready' to have a baby. At first we told close family and friends who of course told there close family and friends. I told some people at work and then before i knew it 12 months had past and we were still ttc. Ttc with alot of people asking how it was going. It was hard to deal with at first, feeling inadequate because it had not happened yet. After 3 years i think everyone in our lives knows we are ttc and have stopped asking questions. We are now facing the dilemma of 'who to tell we are going through IVF?'
The hardest thing for me was dealing with the dissapointment over and over but talking about it helped. Tough call, best of luck with the decision.

My hubby is the one who loves telling everyone we are trying. It's unbelievable, he even told the check-out chic at Best and Less! We live in a small town and although DH is tling every man and his dog that we are trying I have only told 1 or 2 close friends. They are the type of people who will just wait quietly until we tell them we are pg. As for when to tell, I can't imagine waiting 12 weeks. I told most people at 6-8wks with DS as I felt if we did loose the baby I would rather my family be aware than make some stupid comment while we were dealing with it. This time I am working as a teacher so I will probably hold off telling too many people around town until 12weeks or when I have seen/heard the HB - unless of course MS makes it glaringly obvious. Anyway now I have babbled long enough, Good luck with your choice

So Nellbe, have you decided what you're going to do? I'd be interested to hear;)
You really can only do what's right for you, and maybe it's the sort of thing you can only learn what's right through trial and error (hopefully more success than error).

Ryn: same wavelength re friends' expectations. Hilarious yet frustrating. And ditto re unpasteurised cheese (at least you can get the good stuff over there) and coffee and al-co-mo-hol. I have this cunning plan, y'see, which is to be Too Busy To Be Hungover and thus able to curb drinking on premise of having enormous study commitments. Seems to work - sometimes. Have cut down coffee as have genuinely realised more than one cup of reeaaaal coffee leaves me feeliong a bit crap anyway. Unfortunately this doesn't take the cheese into account as everytime I refuse cheese I seem to get asked scornfully if I'm dieting which p***es me off no end. So if anyone has a master cheese ruse that can be successfully put into practise let us know! And congrats on the radical reduction of ticker timescale!!!! Hurrah!

Amben: perhaps you need to make your friend a special Captain Bleeding Obvious costume! I remember the smug turds who used to ask me in front of DH when he was going to ask me to marry him. Squirmingly mortifying. Like I had a clue and like my self esteem was going to rocket sky high after a couple of years of asking! Irritating when other people's values are imposed on yours. It takes a lot of strength to ride above it and a fair whack of humour.

sunny_summer: good idea about the dog. It also helps one deal with picking up someone else's poo.

It also occurs to me that maybe people ask how it's going when someone is TTC because they want to seem interested and as if they care. Maybe that's what they'd like people to do for them...

oh hell - I meant baby poo, not just random anyone poo. Just clarifying.

LOL Queenie, the original post was done in April 2004 - Nell has since had her little boy!

God I feel like a twit now, Sarah!! Maybe I do need another coffee...

LOL no worries!! This thread is just used as a FAQ which is why it's an old one that's been bumped up to the top again.

We didn't tell anyone with either of ours. But we didn't have any trouble conceiving - I guess people who take a long time might need some support. I also found it a bit annoying how people would keep on asking if/when we were having children. My FIL's partner actually asked whether I was pregnant when we announced our engagement!! As we did not have our first child until we had been married nearly 7 years, we had a lot of nosy questions before then. We tended to answer jokingly, yes we're having 10 (or 20) and then change the subject. At this stage we've told everyone that we are "hoping to have another child one day" but we certainly won't be making an announcement the month we start trying.

Oddly enough, I was out for dinner on Saturday with friends and this very topic came up (one girl is pregnant and her husband started the "how rude are the TTCing questions" conversation). We all agreed that saying "well, if you really want to know about my sex life..." and then sharing some details would stop anyone from asking again.

I'm really starting to dread my cousin's hen party though - I'm off caffine for medical reasons, now I'm going off alcohol (right slap bang in the middle of a glass, so I could only enjoy half the glass, so annoying!) and I'm getting a blood test Thursday assuming AF doesn't turn up (cd54 now) - I don't want to have a week to tell people before the hen party, and if I am I don't want my mum to know until I give birth, or about a week later, so can't tell my cousin or sister! So bad enough not drinking lots or having caffine, but just don't want the questions. LOL, but that's telling people about a pregnancy "scare", not about TTC.