Trying to grieve against family wish's

I'm new to this, i've had a read of some of the stories people have posted and i have decided to also tell my story. This really seems like a place where women can relate and understand eachother.

I am blessed to have a two healthy boys, a 2 year old and a 5 year old. I have just experienced a MC after 6 weeks, and i haven't had any support from my family. My husband has been great but everyone else expects me to get over it and i'm told i shouldn't be worried or upset i already have children and that i can have more.

I don't see it that way, yes i am lucky to already have children but does that mean i'm not entitled to feel the loss? What hurts the most is that because we have two children we had everything basically planned for the third. I had been trying for 9 months to concieve and when i did i was over the moon. We were looking at buying bunks for the boys so they could share a room, i was trying to organise myelf at work so that i could perhaps stay home with the baby for a while etc.

So as you can imagine, the baby was good as born. I can't understand why people around me quickly disregard my anguish and tell me i can have more. Who are they to say that? I've had to push people away like that right now because i can't deal with them. All i know is if i don't deal with this how i feel most comfortable, it may haunt me in my future attempts to concieve. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How did you cope?

I had at least five miscarrages between baby number one and baby number two. You do have to give yourself time to grieve. Regardless if you had already prepared for the baby or not it's just the fact that you lost a baby. Our society aborts babies at that stage so it's no wonder that others cannot feel any sympathy for your loss. Just stay away from people like that if possible and don't feel bad about the need to mourn for your child. I cried for days after each one of my lossed and even now after I have had three children I still feel sad about those who didn't make it. It is important to understand that normally when we miscarry it is for a reason. Something must not have been going right and we have to rest in the thought that this was the best thing for our baby. The Bible tells us that God knows us even as we are in the womb. This tells me that he knew my babies and they are with him now, so I know that when I get to heaven I will have five more perfect children waiting for me :)

Oh sweetie, i am so sorry for your loss!

I think your family are being very insensitive by telling you to "get over it", losing a child, is one of the worst things that can happen to someone.
You take all the time you need hun, no one can give you a timespan of how long you can grieve it's different for everyone.
It sounds like you have a very supportive husband, maybe you can both sit down with your family and tell them exactly how much this baby meant to you, and how much their comments have hurt you at this already difficult time.

I'm thinking of you :hug:

hi there and sorry for your loss, it is hard at any stage. just take one day at a time and yes it is ok to cry for what you have lost.

Special K, I too am new to this... I searched the web during the week for information on miscarriage and found this site. I lost our baby just over a week ago and I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I feel fine and then all of a sudden I feel a rush of sadness overwhelm me which I cannot control. My husband can't cope with watching my face crumple as he's dealing with our loss quietly and privately.

I have two sister-in-laws, one of whom has experienced a miscarriage. I feel I can relate to her in part but mostly it is a very private anguish that I can't express easily to people I know and love. I've found it is a taboo subject which people seem to run from.

My father in law said to my husband when told the news of our loss that 'it could have been worse, you could have gone to full term and lost both of them'... how inappropriate and insensitive. My mother in law said 'maybe there was something wrong with it'. And they wonder why I don't want them here at the moment! I saw them briefly yesterday and not a word was said to me about our lost baby boy. I found this just as distressing as their previous words to my husband. Its like it didn't happen, that my obvious growing bump was a figment of my imagination. We have two healthy little girls which I am grateful for, but it doesn't seem to numb the pain of our recent loss.

We had ordered a bed for our three year old and it is due in the shop next week (she's currently in a toddler bed) Our girls were going to share a room so the baby could have its own room. So now we will have an empty cot to remind us of what should have been. We were also about to make a layby on a new carseat on the same weekend we lost the baby.

I haven't meant to hijack your thread but to share with you that I have similar feelings/thoughts too. Our loss isn't being recognised by some members of family and it hurts.

I contacted SIDS nsw earlier today and they are sending me pamphlets on anti-natal loss which hopefully will help in some way. They have a 24 hour support line if you need to speak to somebody who will listen... ph 1800 651 186

Specialk - Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going thru, just as alot of others on BB. I too lost my third pg, only to lose my fourth. I shut down from everyone, even my DH especially the second time round. O felt as tho I was unable to breath. I blamed myself for my losses, and could not bring myself to leave the house, answer the phones or anything. I am not a counsellor, but you are entitled to grieve. You have lost something so special, that meant alot to you and for you to get thru this you need to grieve. I too pushed alot of people away and was very hurt when I was told that at least I have my boys. I can have more. I felt as tho my whole world had crashed around me and that there was nowhere for me to escape. I had even stopped talking to my nextdoor neighbour as she had asked if I was really pg. For me I nolonger felt whole, and so desparately wanted to feel whole. Having said that you need to hold onto hope that you will become pg again, I have since had 2 DD's after my m/c's. What also helped me thru my m/c's I wrote a letter to them, and also bought a bracelt each so that I may have something that was specifically for them. I also chose a song that was for them, so whenever I wanted to feel close to them I had that. There are many things that you could do, but that is what helped me. I made a box for them and have my letters and bracelets etc in it, even a little teddy bear, which I have kept as I was so scared that I would forget them. My DH also bought a plant. that however didn't last. I am certainly no green thumb.
Please know that you are not alone with how you feel, and that it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Again I am so sorry for you loss. Hugs.

HUn I am so sorry for your loss. It has nothing to do with how far along you are, or how many children you may or may not already have, every loss is a loss and you are absolutely entitled to grieve for what will never be with your little angel.

Hugs to you hun.

Curl - So sorry for your recent loss to, my heart breaks for you and specialk. Just know that you both need this time to grieve. Hugs.

I'm so so sorry for you loss :hug:
Big hugs for you - I had an experience with mine that I wish to share with you.

I found out I was pg on the 27th June, m/c'ed on the 29th June - I knew about my pregnancy for two days, but I still told friends and the such because I thought it was fantastic news.
Anyways, when I had to tell everyone that I m/c'ed two days later, most of the replies were 'Why did you tell us you were then?'
I thought it was insensitive and totally f**ked up (excuse the language) but I'm now moving on and have felt like I have been made to feel like I move on *shrugs* I got no idea to be honest how I should feel, but I now am grateful to my DF because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here still

Lizjessie - A loss is never easy at any stage, and to be told what you were told is so insensative. I am sorry for your loss and sorry for what you had to go thru. Some people just don't know how to react, especially if they have never had to experience it. Hugs.

csab - I know, I found it very very harsh that people said that, I am only just now getting back on my feet after everything - it's really hard, especially since I only knew about it for 2 days

Lizjeesie - It really doesn't matter how long you have known about it. The fact is you wanted this baby so much, and for it to be taken away from you, it really does hurt. It is like your dreams have been crushed. Let me tell you tho, you will have that precious baby, and it will be the happiest day of your life. You will always remember the one you have lost, as it will always be with you. The pain also takes its time to ease, but as I have experienced, the pain is still there, you just seem to move on each day. Each day does get easier. I for one never thought it would, but it does. I have to admit, my losses had changed me in a way I never thought possible. TC hugs. We are here if you need to talk.

csab - thank you for your sympathies, it made me cry again which makes me feel again... as I feel numb mostly

lizjessie - most people do not know how to react to bad news and say stupid things. Just look at what my in-laws said to my husband... thank goodness it wasn't said to me or I would have blasted them in my grief. You were eager to share your happy news which is understandable, its horrible that you then had to share your loss so soon afterwards.

I was at a very low point on Friday night and had an urge to lay down on the road which thankfully passed when a car towing a boat went past. If it hadn't been for DH, DD's and my mother I wouldn't be here.

i am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Your family are being very insensitive about it. It does not matter if it is your 1st of 12th child or if you were 4 weeks or 42 weeks it is still your baby and your loss and them saying that is terrible, when i had a mc last yr i had friends like that and when i got upset that otherfriends were preg with 2nd or 3rd

csab - That is definitely true - I didn't care that I knew for only 2 days, the fact was that I was pregnant and the fact that I did lose a part of me, that's what it was all about. I just can't believe how insensitive they were about it.
This is the one I'll remember, because it was with someone I loved.
Before I got together with my DF, I was engaged to another guy who was a complete f**ktard (again excuse the language)
Anyways, we were together 2 and a half years and we were trying since day one for me to get pregnant, and I never did.
A week after we broke up (Feb 14 last year) I found out I was pg. I was scared to be totally honest, but I was like *shrugs* I'll take it as I will. A week later, I started bleeding very heavy, and bled for over 14 days, I had m/c'ed - Now this may sound heartless (and I don't want it to) but I was relieved, because I didn't want to have something that reminded me of that idiot.
8 months later, me and my DF got together and never been happier :D

curl - that's absolutely right. I now see that they probably didn't know what to say at that point in time, but it still hurt and I still see it as rather insensitive, but it's probably because they didn't know what to say in return

Curl - You poor thing. When I say that I know exactly how you feel, I mean it. I was in such a low, and would always mention to my DH that I can't go on anylonger. Now time has past, I now realise what that must have felt, for him to hear me say that. I would just sit in a corner or curl up and just cry, the pain just felt so unbearable I just couldn't handle it. I felt as tho every breath in me was a struggle and even now writing this brings tears to my eyes. All I wanted was to be with my angels, so I could touch them, smell them and just love them. What got me thru, was my DH and my boys. I knew that I couldn't put them thru any heartache. Thankfully the hospital had given me a counsellor for me to talk to, when I had lost my first, which even tho I could not stand to leave the house, I would speak to her, and she would listen, and not judge me and would not make me feel as tho I had no right to grieve. She made me feel normal, with how I was feeling. I needed that, as I didn't want my DH to feel any worse than what he already was. I needed to speak with someone who wasn't a family member or close friend. She helped me a great deal, she may not have known it, but just letting me talk and feel was what I needed.

One last thing I would like to mention to Specialk, Curl and Lizjessie. Please do not think you had done anything wrong for you to m/c. It really isn't. I know you may be feeling that it is, as all I did was blame myself for not being able to protect my angels and honestly that was the worst thing I could have done. You all need to know that you are not to blame, some things happen that are just out of our control. TC and hugs to you.

Lizjessie - You were not being heartless. You are so spot on, it really is apart of you, and that really is what you lose. As I said before, there is apart of me that has never been the same since and I know it never will.

Never underestimate the depth of grief you might feel, never let others tell you to get over it. I don't know why they do.

Lulu - Exactly!
I actually said to someone (who got in the way of my bad mood) 'What if it happened to you? How would you like it if someone told you to get over it and move on with your life so quickly?'

SpecialK, i am so sorry for your loss. feel your grief, no matter what others say. it is so difficult for folks to know what to say, and some of the most common things to say are so painful. those people are just awkward and want to say something, but don't know what to say. you love this child as much as your other children, just as any mother does. allow your grief to flow, even though it is painful and not always understood. hugs.

SpecialK, I am so sorry for your loss and you and your DH need to grieve and look after each other. Unless you have lived through this people just don't understand. As you say, you had started planning the future with this new baby and the carpet has been ripped out from under you. Each time I fall pregnant I do the same thing, you start to plan, make arrangements and then come crashing down. You will get through this, spend some time here, we understand, we get it because we have all been there.
Don't let others tell you how to deal with your grief instead may be tell them how to deal with it. Please step into my shoes and live this, try, if you want to, make them understand how much planning you had started.
take care of you most of all and do all the grieving you need.

Rowie, that is sound advice.

Curl, Csab, lulu2, LiZjessie, AuntyM & Rowie,

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your heartfelt apologies, i know i've done the right thing by sharing my story with you all.

I'm exhausted from visiting the hospital and i feel mentally drained. I haven't returned to work yet, i just need a little more time. I still have HCG levels in my blood so i still feel like i'm pregnant physically but mentally i don't.

if anything at the moment i have been letting my kids know how much i love and appreciate them. I have never had this kind of loss before and i can't help but feel bad for all you other ladies that have experienced far worse. I do know life goes on, we are battlers by nature, nothing is as strong as a mothers love and we do amazing things to preserve this.

I went to my sons first sports carnival yesterday with my husband and watched our son proudly. While i was basking in the beautiful sun, i wrote a poem which i would like to share with you;

Opportunies present themselves at any given moment
So envolved in current torment to even consider involvement

Days are passing really slow
still not sure which way to go

Those around me are unsure
How to treat an aching sore

They quickly dismiss the pain i feel
And tell me to move on, i will heal

In time i agree i will heal
But the anguish now, it is so real

Plans were made, accomodation too
Unfortunately now, it won't be seen through

Hoping in the future, things will go my way
I may carry for 9 months and celebrate a birthday

So many women are so kind
To give comforting words at a grieving time

We keep going so that we can remain
Mentally healthy so we can try again.....

A Big hug to all of you amazing women, thank you for making me feel welcome.:pray:

Special K - That is a beautiful poem. I know you will have that beautiful baby soon and when you do, it will help ease that pain you are going thru. I know when I became PG again, it eased my pain. It did not erase it, but it eased it. You will worry about your next pg, I used to be a mess. Such a stress case, and I made sure that I had several U/S to help ease my mind that things were going ok. Still, I was not going to be completely at ease until that baby had arrived.
Thankyou so much for sharing your poem. You are so welcome.....

I agree it is a beautiful poem. I wish I was able to express myself as well as you, specialk.

Just lovely.

Curl - how are you going darl?

Hi SpecialK

i am so sorry to hear of your loss its one of the sadest things a woman can go through i am still grieiving a yr on after loosing my beautiful daughter at 23 weeks i had everything planned for her and imagined holding her and her playing with my son i still think of it now that she would be walikng and how i willnever hear her first words or see her giggle i had some awful things said to me when i lost her and i am now seeing a counsellor cos i am just angry at my inlaws for saying the things they did i just cant ever forgive what they said some of the things they said, i was telling them about having pictures of my angel and her footprints and handprints they replied errrrrrrr that is morbid how insesitive she was beautiful perfect in everyway and i just feel like shoving the picture in there face they also didnt come to funeral as his mum said she couldnt go to a funeral of someone she never new at least go for my husbands sake sorry they make me so angry and they have never spoke of her when i mention her name they say who you taking abaut maybe they never new because they have never been interested. my family were so good i had all the support in the world i just wish my husband had the same from his family but my counsellor is helping me deal with the upset as i try to avoid going to see his parents so does my husband i just dont want to be around people who can be so nasty. sorry to ramble on i also wanted to say how beautiful that poem is you should be proud of it it is so true to how you feel when you loose a baby i hope you are ok and hear if you ever need to talk.

munchy xxxx

SpecialK - I'm more than happy to talk to you bout that stuff :grouphug:
Now you know why I love it here so much ;)

what a lovely poem, and so true. this community has helped me so much to get through the most difficult challenge in my life. hugs, m

Lulu2 - thanks for your interest.

I had another rollercoaster day yesterday. It started with my bleeding recomencing when I hadn't had spotting for several days I thought it was all over with, obviously the physical stuff isn't yet. The doorbell rang and there on my doorstep was my ultrasound films. I had a good cry over the pictures and my three year old handed me tissues and said 'mummy's sad, here you go'. I found the films both confusing and a comfort as I now have more tangible evidence of our boys existence. My confusion came with the notes on the bottom right of one of the pages where I saw that one of the baby's measurements was 14w4d while the others were spot on for the correct conception due date. I also received in the post all the pamphlets that sids/sands nsw sent out a couple of days previously. Reading these brought on renewed crying, again.

My husband is in the navy and left on Monday for two weeks so I haven't been able to talk to him and email is very slow on his ship. He arrived in Adelaide yesterday afternoon and called me. I told him about the ultrasound and how confused I was with the results. He called again at around 1am this morning. He was in tears. He was out with a few of the boys on the ship and it all came crashing down around him again. He cried when I caught our baby before he hit the floor and then nothing until now. He internalises things until they explode and I don't know how to help him. We spoke about trying again in a few months time, after two months of normal periods as per my doctors advice.

I've just checked the time and I have to go and get my girls ready to go out. Sorry for rambling but I have found that this is a very good form of healing, being able to write it out rather than talking.

Rant/vent type away....
What is it with inlaws? Why are they less sensitive? About a week after I lost my bubs the MIL dropped in with my preg SIL (due 3 weeks ahead of me), and started in with the 'it wasn't meant to be' stuff (oh really, well that's ok then). I went back to bed and they had the nerve to complain they weren't made to feel welcome. I since found out the MIL lost twin baby girls....I would have thought her attitude would be different.
Hopefully the Navy will look out for DH - was he given leave to be with you?

Munchy - your IL's SUCK. I'm glad you are getting outside help with your feelings - I'd probably have committed murder.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to grieve. It wouldn't matter if you had 1 child or 4 a loss of any child is horrible. Don't hang around people who have this attitude that you shouldn't be able to grieve. You have the right to grieve for as long as you want. My friend suffered death with her child when she was 12wks. She found out that her baby had down syndrome and a heart condition so they decided, with doctors blessing, to have a termination. It broke her heart because she had been trying for a year to have this child. This all happened just before christmas and then her sister told her that she was pregnant after she just had found out that Lora lost her's. There are many insensitive people out there. My friend is now pregnant again after trying for a while and had to keep it secrect because of people. Like I told her no matter if you have 3 or 4 more children you will never forget about the one that you lost. In your heart I think you will always remember it and grieve for it. Try and keep your head up and only associate with people who are going to support you not tell you it' time to get over it.

Goodluck
Jennifer

Lulu2 - my husband has some support in the navy and he was given last week off on compassionate leave. He wanted some alone time last night and one of his mates stayed nearby to make sure he was okay. Some other d***heads had been questioning him about why he had last week off but in a smartass manner and my husband said he didn't want to talk about it. To which the reply was 'grumpy old b**tard' and they left in a huff. A few of his mates that know of the situation in full then relayed the correct info to those that were being horrible as it is hard for my husband to express himself at the moment to me, let alone to those he doesn't like very much.

Lowe - Your friend must have been in utter turmoil when her SIL was having a healthy pregnancy with the problem of being sad for her own loss and having to put on a brave face and pretend happiness for her SIL. The MIL was completely insensitive but perhaps doesn't realise the impact her words had at the time.

Munchy & Lowe - My MIL constantly has foot-in-mouth-syndrome and its awful. When I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter my SIL had just had a miscarriage only a few weeks beforehand. It was very difficult for me to announce the news to her and I was an absolute chicken and made my husband tell her instead because I wasn't sure how to bring it up without seeming insensitive to her grief. On a positive side she went on to have a very healthy little girl within the next year whom we all love to bits. My SIL has been very supportive with my miscarriage and I now understand her pain and I can see the impact it had on her with it bringing all her emotions back to the forefront again. My MIL wasn't supportive of her miscarriage and said some unhelpful things at the time and now again with mine. SIL has told her to back off and not say anything to me.

My Grandmother-in-law sent me a lovely letter last week saying that she was sorry to hear of our loss and she expressed herself very well and confided that she too had a miscarriage when my FIL was only a year old. She said she 'never got over it' and for a long time wondered 'why'. She is a wonderful woman who shows great compassion to all. She has seven children, over 30 grandchildren and 9 great great grandchildren which I think is amazing.

I was able to pick a friends brains (also happens to be a midwife) and express myself properly a couple of days ago which helped tremendously and I received a lovely surprise this afternoon when we returned home and found a gift from her. The parcel contained a beautifully worded card and a little figurine of an angel. I have been looking for momentos and this is beautiful.

SpecialK
What beautiful words you have written, thank you for including us in it. This community is wonderful and I come here often for inspiration and my fix of bravery! There are some amazing women here who have been through some horrendous times but as you say we are battlers but we need a place to share our feelings and thoughts when no one on the outside gets it.
take care of you, take each day as it comes that is all we can do.

SpecialK, how are you doing? I only just noticed that you don't live too far from where I do. I hope your rollercoaster ride is starting to settle down and that this site has become a comfort zone for you as it has for me. Just reading what others have been through seems to help as I don't feel so isolated.

I was told the other day that miscarriages come in clusters. I was curious to know if anybody else had been sick recently with a cold or flu and whether they believe it was a contributing factor??? I won't have answers until 27th October (if any) about what may have gone wrong but I had been ill with cold-like symptoms since May and was given a course of antibiotics.

i lost a baby boy... 10th AUGUST 2006

it was traumatic i had people expecting me within a week to be "OVER IT" and go on a holiday. i was far from wanting to do a holiday.i lost my precious baby.

my husband and i made a memory box up. all special little things. a poem book a diary which i wrote all my feelings in after the misarriage until i was ok not needed to sob my heart out in it. to this day i still have not read what i wrote. also a stuffed toy.. 3 outfits i brought while pregant. a miscarriage chain and a few other things like ultrasound picture etc.

i also got matching tattos in memory of him on us.

it has been a year and a half since we lost him i now have a baby girl whos 3 months old. i think of him everyday. but anyoe who says get over it needs a royal kick up the jacksy.