I lost our DD at 18wks!!

Hi everyone, well i first came on this site to find out if the line i was seeing was actually a line(for BFP). Well in fact it was a line and was happily pg. Unfortunately we lost our precious daughter at 18wks gestation. The cause is still unknown which makes it hard. It was a shock to us all that this happened and im still trying to get grips of it. We had a lovely funeral for her on the 26/7/07. I have been feeling all over the place and dont really know where im at. I cant cry which really hurts me at the moment. I cant show how im really feeling to people. Everyone thinks im ok and thats cause i led them to believe that but really im not. Im crying so hard on the inside but i just cant do it in reality. I miss our little girl a lot and would give anything to have her back with us. I miss being pg with her and having a bump to show everyone. I feel like ive not only lost our baby but ive lost being pg as well. It really hurts seeing other people pg around me, its like they are throwing it in my face! Anyway thats my story, i hope that i can get to meet other people who have gone through similar circumstances. Also theres a link in my signature if you would like to see the site i have done for her.

Naomi, i am so sorry for your loss. i would do anything to stop this from happening to anyone ever again. you are so wise to have had a funeral for Oceana, to provide a few memories of her for you to hold on to. please don't worry about how your feelings are all over the place, and how it is difficult to cry. as you will no doubt hear from many others here, those are "normal" reactions to the tragedy you have experienced. your body and mind has put you into shock, which works to protect you from the hardest blows during this fresh grieving time. i often felt, when my son first died, that there was no way i could be in shock because it hurt so badly. but it turns out i was, and when it faded eventually, the pain increased again. it is our body's way of allowing us to live through incredibly difficult situations, and is ultimately a blessing. you will cry when you need to, and not before. the roller coaster of grief feelings will continue, and some good day(s) will come eventually, so let yourself feel what you feel. it sounds corny, but it is so true. the best thing you can do for yourself is to be good to yourself, which means feeling the pain when it is there and feeling as good as you can when it subsides. other people, even if they mean well, may say things that are hurtful or may not understand what you feel. give yourself the permission to be hurt, but also to know that you are doing and feeling what is necessary for you -- no matter what anyone else can understand.

seeing pregnant ladies and little babies is one of the hardest parts of this new world we inhabit. at first, for me, it was the pregnant ladies who hurt me to look at. i have a friend whose daughter died just days after birth who used to imagine that their bellies would explode when she looked at them -- she didn't want them to hurt, but she couldn't face their pregnancies. as my memories of pregnancy faded, i was left only with my extreme pain at seeing little babies. i have a nephew born three weeks before our son was stillborn, and i still feel like a knife is in my heart when i see him. i feel guilt, jealousy, anger and sadness, all at the same time. i wanted to tell you this so you would know that you are not the only one, that your feelings are so normal for such an abnormal situation.

i want to assure you that time does make things a bit better, and even though i am still deep into my grief about losing Yeti, i do have some good days. sometimes something (or nothing) will send me into a tailspin, but i am better than i was. i truly felt for about three months that life really would never be worth living again. i have hope now, hope for my life and my family's lives. i know, from experience, that my hope cannot be transferred to you, but please take what you can from the knowledge that time does eventually make a difference and that life can have meaning and hope again.

i visited your web site for Oceana, it is lovely and such a loving tribute from her family. Oceana must be so glad to have her loving parents and siblings who will always love her. take comfort from anything you can, and hold Oceana tight in your heart. i hope you can find support here at bb, it has made all the difference to me some days. i know this is such a long post, but your pain resonates with me and i want so to be able to provide some comfort. even if i can't help, i will always listen whenever you need someone to share your feelings. hugs, m

:hug: Naomi.

I'm so sorry, i can't begin to imagine your suffering. I cried at Oceana's site, it is so beautiful. Thinking of you and your family.

Bx

I’m so sorry for your loss, I don’t totally know how you feel but I can understand the emptiness you must be feeling. I pray that you and you DH will stay strong and he can also understand the way you are feeling. Make sure you talk with him about your feelings as you need as much support as you can get and it may be difficult for him to understand as he didn’t have the bonding that you established. I know that I wouldn’t have the same feelings as my DW would have if we had a loss at that early stage and I’d want her to express to me how she was feeling. Not that you have said how your DH is feeling, but I just wanted you to have an opinion from a males point of view.
Also something you may like to take a look at is a book called; Nine Days in Heaven: The Vision of Marietta Davis

Naomi, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
I cried at the beautiful memerable site you have dedicated to her.
Big Hugs to you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Naomi, I am so sorry for the death of your daughter. I too lost my daughter at 18 weeks. In my case, I had an infection that wasn't properly diagnosed, which caused abruption of the placenta.
I looked at your website for her and it is beautiful. I love the pictures of the funeral. We had a funeral too, and I have never regretted it for a moment. Lots of people have said to me, "Wasn't it hard to plan your own child's funeral?" But as you know, it's the DEATH that's hard--the funeral is the least of it.
You will be so happy, as time goes by, that you have a beautiful place to go visit her and to know that she will always be there. I have done a lot of crying at the cemetery. I've also met other parents there, and there are other babies that I "check on" every time I go.
I read a very helpful book called When A Baby Dies. One of the best things it said was that you will never get over the loss of your baby. Somehow this reassured me. I knew that over time I would cry less, but the idea that I might forget the pain, and forget her, was horrible. That statement let me know that that would never happen.
Having said that, although her death will always leave a hole in your heart, over time it will become easier to bear. To get to that point, however, you have to grieve and that is the hard part. Whatever you feel now, is the right thing to feel. The tears will come, and probably at a time or place that is not the best--but just let them out. Auntie M's post above was great. As she said, it's your body's way of taking care of you.
During the few months right after DD's death, I found that it helped to do some mindless things. I watched comedies and had the radio on quite a bit. Every now and then something would make me laugh and when it did, I laughed my head off. Often that helped me cry too.
It hurts a lot to see other pregnant women. Do whatever you need to. If they are at work or at uni, I know it's impossible to avoid them, but otherwise if you feel like staying away....just do. Most of us do not feel like going to baby showers, talking about pregnancy, or even seeing the babies of friends or relatives.
I have to go now but I'll try to post again later. BIG HUGS.

Hi Naomi,

I'm really sorry for your loss - I lost my daughter at 17 weeks due to PROM from infection. I had been feeling really unwell in the days before but hadn't considered there might have been something wrong enough to cause a miscarriage. I was just so busy working and running around after my toddler.

The website is beautiful and the service you had must have been lovely. It looks like it was a lovely day with a blue sky.

Naomi

I have tears in my eyes for you hun...please know we are all thinking of you..

Little Oceana is so special and so blessed to have you as her mummy. She will always be with you sweety xo

Naomi I'm so sorry your beautiful little daughter passed away. The site you have done for her is very thoughtful and moving. Sending you big :hug: as you grieve her loss.

sorry to hear of your loss, and sending you a big hug.

Naomi, I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby girl. Sending you big hugs

I'm so sorry for your loss!

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I miss being pg with her and having a bump to show everyone. I feel like ive not only lost our baby but ive lost being pg as well.

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I'm the exact same - I would have been 13 weeks and would at least be getting a bump. I'm still angry and annoyed with myself that I'm not - and I know it's not my fault, but this would have been our first and it's absolutely broken my heart that I m/c'ed - I was due on the 13th Feb, so that time next year will be very emotional for me.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss :grouphug:

Naomi, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. The website you have created is beautiful. My thoughts are with you and your family...take care xxx

Naomi :hugs:
I am so very sorry and saddened to hear about the loss of your precious angel Oceana.
Reading your post has brought tears to my eyes also brought back so many memories.
I remember the pain of losing Noah like it was yesterday... mourning the loss of my baby and my pregnancy. I am so very sorry you have had to go through this too.
Thank you for sharing your site with us.
Please know I am here for you, if and when you ever need to talk, cry vent or whatever.
Love and hugs to you,

Lisa
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DS13 DD10 DS 6 months
Noah Thomas - born an angel 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d)

Naomi,
hun Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I cried at her website, like many others have. Im sure Oceana is shining down on your family from heaven.

hugs to you all
treelo

Naomi I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some answers as to why you lost your precious little girl.

When something like this happens to us, we go into shock, we try to deal with the heartbreak and devastation that surrounds us. Don't be too hard on yourself for not crying and don't worry about what others think. I remember when we found out that we had lost Cooper and my initial reaction was just to scream and cry because I didn't believe it could happen. When we finally had to ring our families and tell them it was like watching someone else make the phone calls. I was in shock and I wasn't crying when I made the calls. I can't remember what I said, I just remember not crying. Even when we were in the delivery suite giving birth to Cooper it still felt like it was someone else. When Cooper was born, I didn't cry initially because I was holding my son, my precious beautiful perfect son. It was only when he was taken away that I knew that I would never see him again that the tears started and since that I day I haven't been able to stop crying. I still cry every single day now although I can now think of my boy and smile.

It is so natural to feel numb because you have so many emotions that you just don't know which one to feel. I believe that we can remove ourselves from our body because sometimes the pain is just so unbearable. You just need to grieve for your little girl, scream if you need to, cry if you want to, just do whatever you need to do to get through the days.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful site with us. It is just heartbreaking and against nature to bury your own children. I remember when my DH carried Cooper's little coffin into the chapel - it just broke my heart..............it was so little and I couldn't believe I had to say goodbye. My heart goes out to you at the pain that you would have felt that day as I'm sure every mother and father of an angel baby do.

It is so hard to see pg women and all of sudden there seems to be so many and so many babies. Although I am now pg again I still find it hard to see pg women, I don't know why that is but it is just hard. I can't see babies. It is just so painful. The last baby I saw was mine and the next baby I will see will be mine.

Just know that it does get easier to get out of bed each day and it does get easier to move forward. Moving forward will not be about forgetting Oceana but about remembering her and honouring her memory. You will never forget, because how can you, she is your precious daughter.

Thinking of you and your DH and of course little Oceana. I hope Oceana and Cooper are playing together peacefully amongst the stars.

Take care :hug:

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Hi Naomi,

The website is beautiful and the service you had must have been lovely. It looks like it was a lovely day with a blue sky.

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Yeah it was a lovely day, sunny with a clear blue sky! As we were having the service there was heaps of birds in the tree above us making heaps of noise, ill never forget it!

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those are "normal" reactions to the tragedy you have experienced. your body and mind has put you into shock, which works to protect you from the hardest blows during this fresh grieving time.

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Maybe you're right! Maybe my body is trying to avoid exploding cause i know on some days i feel that im going too!! Im trying to be strong for my family and responsibilities i have to uphold but i want to grieve at the same time. I feel that i just dont have the time and it hurts like hell!!

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Even when we were in the delivery suite giving birth to Cooper it still felt like it was someone else. When Cooper was born, I didn't cry initially because I was holding my son, my precious beautiful perfect son. It was only when he was taken away that I knew that I would never see him again that the tears started and since that I day I haven't been able to stop crying.

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The same thing happened to me too. I didnt initially cry when i first saw her, i was holding my beautiful daughter but when they came to take her away that hurt so much. I even cried in front of my inlaws. It was so hard to say goodbye, i knew it was going to be the last time i was going to see her again. It just wasnt fair to send my baby to the morgue and make funeral arrangements. Its my baby, its not the way its supposed to be.

Anyway thanks everyone for your lovely posts. Its great to know that theres people out there who understand what im going through. Thanks again!

Hi Naomi

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby girl i totally understand what you are going through i lost my DD AT 23 wks and its the hardest thing i have ever being through and like you i didnt really cry when people were around i usually waited till the night time and then i sobbed and sobbed i would wake up with swallon eyes all my family and friends said how well i was coping but deep down i wasnt no one really new how i was feeling i just put on a brave face as i didnt want people to worry about me and i didnt want to feel like a burden to people but i am seeing a counsellor now as i just feel like i need to realease the emotions for me to move forward i really hope you have a supportive family and that you talk to each other its one of the saddest things that could happen also your website is so beautiful i wish i had taken more memerable pictures its a yr today since my DD funeral and i dont think anyone remembers so feeling a little down as i miss her so much like you said you miss being pregnant i feel as though she should be here in my arms and how its just not fair that these beautiful babies dont make it into this world take care of yourself.

Munchy xxx

Well here i am again heaps late at night and just cant sleep!!!:doh: For the past two weeks ive been up until 2-3am each day and have to get up to the kids in the morning. I feel really bad during the day cause i get no sleep. Even when i do get to sleep i have the weirdest dreams, which cause me to have bad sleep. I keep getting these anxiety attacks and find it hard to calm down. Im never like that normally. I just lose my cool easily these days and it doesnt take much for me to be pushed over the edge. Also one of my work collegues blasted me at work the other day and i started crying and i found it so hard to control my tears. Usually im like well thats your problem but that day i took it really personally. I feel like im going nuts. At uni last week i was standing at the glass panelling thinking it was the door for 5min and then it clicked that it wasnt the door at all, it was so embarrasing. I just cant think straight anymore. What can i do to feel better??:cry:

oh, Naomi. the only thing i can think of is to give yourself space to be like this for a while. i know that isn't the answer you want, and i too have begged for an easier solution to grief, but there is only time and living through it. be easy on yourself and try to accept that you are no longer who you were. i know how difficult those words are, and i wish i could give you a big hug. perhaps your co-workers understand why you are emotional, but even if they don't it is something you need to be able to do. i got a pamphlet on grieving for parents of babies, and i gave it to my boss and told him it would probably do us both good, and the business too, if he would read it. now he knows that i won't be okay for at least a year after Yeti died. recently, i even talked to him about it a little to make sure he understood that i wouldn't ever be the same person again. i didn't point blank tell him that i just don't care anymore about the business (i don't nearly as much as i used to), but i did let him know that there are just days that i will be less effective and more emotional than we'd both like. maybe you or a coworker/friend could proceed on a similar plan? the more supportive the folks around you are, the more energy you will be able to give to your needs. you are back at work and uni so quickly, i know i couldn't concentrate well for so long. i'm still less able to concentrate than i was, but once again, the "better" word pops up. i have to believe that we will both get our brains back someday.

i too had terrifying dreams about Yeti and dead children and birth for a month or two (i can look up in my journal to find out) after Yeti died. it was frightening to go to sleep. i also was not at all emotional before Yeti died, i didn't cry in front of people and just let things roll off my back. now i am the most sensitive human, you wouldn't believe what silly things hurt my feelings and then, of all things, i start to cry. it was humiliating at first, but now i know that it is what will happen and i try to accept it. some times journaling helps me; it is something i never did before, but now it helps to get the feelings out. when i am really angry, i find something i can smash and it makes me feel like i let some of the anger out. and when the tears start, i just let them go, even if i am at work and need to find a quiet corner or need to pull over the car. i also go to counseling with a lady who also lost her daughter at 2 days old, and it helps so much even just to hear that someone else once felt exactly like i do now and that now she is functional and has some joy and has never forgotten her daughter. the bb forums also help me :) to contact with people who truly understand. i know several ladies also have been given prescriptions to help counter the depth of the depression, so perhaps your counselor would advise you to go that route. mine has advised me to wait for a little while to see how the course of grief goes, but it is something that can help so much. i think it is good to be open minded to all sorts of ideas, and also try to accept that time will help (even though it goes so slowly now).

you are still so freshly in grief, so raw. i can tell you i feel better now than i did when i was only a few weeks after Yeti's death. i still am in more pain than i thought i could be, and i have some really bad days. but i am better for now, and i'll take that. so give yourself a big hug from me, and remember that time will soften the jagged edges of this pain. xxoom

hI Naomi

i read your latest post and could relate to it so much i am a totally different person to what i was i was such a bubbly person and quite chilled out now i loose my temper at the most silly things and i suffer with anxity i would go to bed and then start thinking crazy thoughts like people were going to brake into my house and hurt me or my family and if i heard an aroplane i would think it was gonna crash into my house and i would wake my husband up to go and check the whole house as i was so certain i heard a noise. i really thought i was going crazy i would also be driving and then o would think i dont remember half of the journey as i was daydreaming how dangerous is that but after almost a yr i went to see a doc and i am now seeing a counsellor which is helping me so much i hated feeling the way i did i dont even like my son going out with other people cos i think what if something bad happens to him what if they lose him my counsellor said its cos i am trying to protect my son as i couldnt do that with my daughter that i lost i found out my baby had a diesse that ment she would never survive outside my whomb and if i went to full term she would probably be born alive but she would be in alot of pain and would die within minutes so i had to have a needle through my tummy into my angels heart to stop her heart and then 3 days later i had to get induced but the hardest thing for me was having that needle to stop her heart i felt like i could have stopped the docs from coming hear me i just wanted to protect her i wanted to run away and hope for a miricle so i think its having an effect now on how i am with my son but i have to really try not to be so protective but it is so hard i really do think that when you feel ready that seeing a counsellor helps but everyone is different i hope i have helped a little and i think you should let yourself greive and dont feel like you are going crazy as what you are going through is completly normal its been a yr now since i lost my angel and i still cry and get my down days. always hear if you need to talk

love Munchy xxx

Well we found out what killed our DD. I had chronic villitis which is where the mother builds up antibodies to the babies DNA and then causes an infection on the placenta. Well thats what i had to research for myself. The drs havent been 100% honest and didnt even tell me about what happened. They also found that i had foetal thrombotic vasculopathy which is blood clots from the placenta that goes into the babies body. So there was lots of things going on at once. The dr told me though that this could of been prevented by antibiotics if they swabbed me earlier to detect the infection. So now im extremely angry that this happened. They kept pushing me away when i told them something was wrong. I also had a sub chorionic haemorrage at 12wks which they knew about but did nothing. I could of still had my daughter if they did their job properly!!!!!! :(

Naomi - that's such a shame! Big big hugs for you :hug:

Naomi

I am so sorry to hear that you must be feeling so sad and angry right now but dont blame yourself as you couldnt have done anything. i cant believe there could have prevented this problem from happening i cant imagine how you must be feeling. all through my pregnancy with my little girl i said to everyone something is wrong and how i felt that the pregnancy wasnt right and that i had never felt baby move and no one listened to me and then when i found out she had bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys and no bladder i was so angry and upset but the docs could have never prevented it from happening as they said (it just one of those things) which i hate those words i think its a mothers instinct we seem to no our bodys and no when somehting is wrong i just wish the docs would listen to us. my thoughts are with you and sening you lots of :hug: take care of yourself i just wanted to ask how is the anxioty going hope you are coping ok.

Munchy xxx

Its the worst feeling, knowing that something could of been done and it wasnt. I knew something was wrong with her but no one listened. My gp was so uncaring and didnt care. When i first had the sub chorionic haemorrage she said theres nothing we can do to stop it. If you are going to miscarriage then its meant to be!!!!:cry: She didnt even go and investigate why it was happening. According to the obstertrician she could of prevented it by doing a swab!!! Why wasnt it done?? I dont know why these drs have this attitude about babies under 20wks. They dont care about bubs under 20wks, they dont even try to stop things cause to them its just a foetus. I truly believe that if this same thing happened at 20wks they would of investigated cause they consider it a pg that they can save. :( Im so angry right now, how could of this happened to me!!! :(

Oh honey my heart goes out to you so much i really wish i could give you a proper cuddle :hug:if the docs had told me they could have prevented what happened to my DD then i would be so furious and upset no words could describe how you must be feeling it sounds like you need a shoulder to cry on :crying: if only they had done that swab i bet thats all you keep thinking about and thinking if they had how everything could be so different right now i really feel for you honey and i ask myself the same question why me you never think things like this happen i think i was a little nieve before i lost my DD i thought it was easy to get pregnant as i fell with my son at just 18 by accident always the way and then fell with my angel in the first month of trying and i didnt think anything like whats happened to any of us would happen to me it has really opened up my eyes to the real world and now i just think negative all the time and think bad things are gonna happen which is why my anixety can be bad at times my counsellor said its all to do with what i went through she thinks i have post traumatic stress disorder not sure if i have said that already and also i have now being trying for another baby for 10 months i never thought it would ever take this long. i think you are right about the 20wk thing they should investigate no matter what as to us motheres it is never a fetus i hate that word it is a baby from day 1 my mother in law said something that hurt so bad she said to me that it was morbid to get pics of my little girl and that she doesnt see it as a baby its just a fetus which is why i hate that word if she only new how perfect my angel looked she had 10 finger and toes and her beautiful little face she was a perfect baby i am so sorry to ramble on i hope you dont mind.

be kind to yourself i am always hear to talk to

Munchy xxx

You're not rambling on at all, you are still grieving too! Ive had people say things like that about her, that shes just a foetus! I hate that word too, she was far from a foetus. She was a baby, she was our baby girl. She had everything in place as we do but she was just really tiny. :( I just wish people would understand how much it really hurts!

That is so right they have everything in place just alot smaller i wish people would understand aswell it really upsets me when people say it was a featus if only they saw her they would soon change there minds they were our beautiful baby girls and nothing will change that. If you dont mind me asking did you get to cuddle you little girl and did you have pictures taken and the hand and footprints? i had all of that done i just wish i had more pictures of her to remember her buy i have shown alot of people her picture as i feel proud of her i understand that some people would rather keep it to themselves but i just wanted to show people how beautiful she was if you know what i mean.

Munchy xxx

Yep i got to hold her for about an hour. We also got piccys of her and hand and foot prints. Unfortunately the photos of her didnt turn out too good so i dont show them to anyone. It really hurt me when i first got them back cause the way the photos came out it made her look weird. It wasnt the way she actually looked. :(

that is so nice you got to spend time with her i spent about 2 hrs with my princess and some of the photos i have are not that good either i have 1 which is beautiful i didnt take any myself the midwife took them and printed them off at the hospital and put them in a memory book for me i just wish now i had taken some myself the thing with my angel was cos she had been dead inside me for 3 days her body had filled up with fluid so it sounds awful but if you moved her, her face would slightly swich about if you know what i mean so in some of the pics they are not good as her face looks slightly funny and i tend not to show people those ones as i think it doesnt look like her. i just wish i could have her in my arms nice and healthy it is so hard at times when i say to my DH how much i miss her and he doesnt understand but i miss everything about her i miss what could have been if that makes sense. but i think as long as we no how they looked thats all that matters as we will treasure them forever.

Munchy xxx

oh, Naomi, i am so sorry that you have to live through this anger and frustration in addition to your grief of Oceana's death. i don't even know what to say i am so angry at your gp. i think you are right, many doctors don't care as much about babies who are younger in gestational age. it is so frustrating. some doctors, however, do care, and will do everything they can to help you. i hope you can find one of those in the future. you did everything you could have for your daughter, i am so sure of that. hugs to you. xxoom

I just looked at the web-site you made for your daughter and I am crying. I am so sorry for your loss. To go through what you did, I can't imagine how you must feel. Please take care. Hope you find peace for yourself and know that there are a lot of ppl thinking of you.
((((hugs))))

Naomi, just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling as I just lost my little boy @ 19 weeks only two weeks ago. :( People tend to think you dont feel it if you already have children, but you do. (I have two other boys 6 and 3)

I dont know what to say, just thought it might help you to know others are going thru this too. I am going to have some counselling, it won't change what happened but might help thru the greiving process. Have you thought of having counselling.

kind regards,
Nessie

Hi Naomi
I am so sorry to hear of your baby's death
What kind of quack were you seeing the Dr needs his/her licence taken off them.
My GP was great and so understanding and lately when I ask for a blood test or U/S she sends me for one (or a referal )she is folowing my lead at the moment as my story is a rare one.
My heart goes out to you and your family. :hug:
I also am getting councelling and it is helping me, but I didn't know that the snapping at the smallest thing was part of it all.

Take care
Chris