Scared Baby

Hi there,
I have a 4 month old son who is very very scared and nervous. Someone could sneeze, talk loud or even cough and he starts screaming. Just tonight his daddy accidently scared him and he started screaming, then he started gasping for breath. Of course my natural reaction was to pick him up and calm him down which took way longer than normal. When I got him calmed down it sounded like every now and then he was still gasping for air but he was breathing fine.
Is this normal please help I am a young first time mum and I have no idea if this is normal or not for him to be so jumpy and scared.
Thank you
Mel

Well, if it's not normal I'm an awful mummy! DS starts if you sneeze or cough when he's starting to get tired - luckily he has a song he loves so I sing that and when he stops for breath he hears it and calms down.

I've had to change the ring tone on the house phone as he hated that too. DS is just a bit highly strung, he'll calm down when he's older... I hope!

Zander used to get frightened by loud noises & even now at 2 1/2 he doesn't like it either, if I'm using the blender for example he'll stay far away & will shout "you ok mummy?" I think some bubs are just a bit more sensitive to noises, nothing right or wrong about it, just how they are IMO.

Both my kids are like that don't fret they are both very emotionally stable little humans they just don't like freaky noises.

*hugs*
Cailin

My DH loves remote control cars. He fired one up the other day in the hope it's a hereditary love - it ain't. Daniel totally cracked it.

Oh, he also HATES, HATES, HATES the tickle me Elmo I bought him. He bursts in to tears every time that gets going. Maybe one day he'll like it.

I've noticed that Daniel has gone through hating things and then I put them away. I'll bring them out a couple of months later and all is forgiven. There's always something scary to replace it though.

DS loves cars and motorbikes, but will freak at a toy he loved five minutes before too - and will love the toy five minutes later too. Babies are such strange little beasts!

Thank you so much for answering me. I may have to ask my partner to tone down his voice a lil tho kus I just found out that he scared him by talking rather loudly at him. And its not the first time this has happened.
Will Jonathan (my son) become frightened of him if he keeps this up?

I was just about to ask, Mel, how often your DP spends time with your son when you're not there. I'm not suggesting that there is anything untoward going on, just that when we're not there, it is harder to account for reactions that have been primed during that time away from us. With animals and kids, it is often these times that hold the answers for 'extreme' behaviour.
I don't want to cast aspersions on your DP and his parenting, I would just advise that you be aware of his interactions with DS. Don't be afraid to say when you don't like something, because he is your son, you spend the most time with him, and should anything happen to you and your DP's relationship in the future (touch wood!), you will be the one more than likely 'holding the baby' and dealing with the consequences of behaviour that has an effect on your child.
I am of the belief, from what I have studied, read, and from gut feeling, that for the first 6 months, at least, our babies consider Mummy to be the most important person in the world. This is basic survival. Mummy's got the goods and she does for a good first 6 months. (Babies who lose mummies in that time adjust very well to that loss, but where mummy is in the picture, my theory seems to hold water IMO).
I would just advise that whenever he shows signs of upset, no matter what the cause, you be there to offer an unconditional cuddle. He needs to know that, no matter what, it's ok to come to you when he feels insecure.
It might also be useful to sit down with DP and talk about the kind of parenting you want to do, if you haven't already. Things like discipline (are you ok with smacking? If you are not, then it's important that you come to agreement about this), the kinds of toys you would like for him, if you'd like him to learn music and what kind of school you think you'd like to send him to later (not very important at this stage, but it's good to get some kind of idea of what your goals are for your child).
Sorry if I'm overreacting, I just sensed that you were saying DS was more than just a little jumpy at loud noises, and that he was actually being a fearful child. Sensitive and fearful are distinct symptoms.
I know that people will say that there doesn't have to be a reason for babies to do certain things or behave certain ways. I don't believe that. Babies have better things to do (like survive their first 6 months) than invent conditions and symptoms for our consternation.
It sounds like you need to be aware of the environment DS is exposed to, and whilst you can't control everything all of the time, there are things you CAN do, as his mummy, that he will be forever grateful for :)
And you know what? Good on you for noticing something is up with your bub :hug: Your age doesn't stop you from knowing what is good for your baby and you :)
ETA: And to answer your last question - Yes, very likely he will become frightened of your DP if he keeps it up.
I recommend you read a very highly regarded book by Pinky Mackay - you should be able to get it in your local library, or ask that they buy it in. It's called "Parenting by Heart" - it will give you the confidence in your parenting skills that you know, deep down, that you have!

My DD can't stand the hoover, she freaks even at the sight of it. I still hoover when i have to hoover but i do it with a big silly grin on my face and dance about to try to cheer her up. It probably sounds harsh to some but i see little point in over-comforting for her fear of something which isn't fearful - kwim? I'm hoping by my happy reaction to the hoover she will eventually get that it's noisy but harmless.

Sarah LMAO! at Zander! That is too cute! "You alright mummy?" LOL.

I think a lot of babies dislike loud noises because it means they can't hear you and you can't hear them and humans rely strongly on verbal communication of danger. So it probably feels dangerous if they can't hear you as well or think you can't hear them.

XP totally terrified DD yesterday. He put the lego tub, full of lego, over his head and as he lifted it off of course all the lego flowed out. She freaked RIGHT out a the sight and sound of all tha lego pouring onto my laminate floors. She was back in love with him 5 minutes later. If your DP was shouting at your DS that's obviously a cause for concern, but if he just happens to have a booming voice then DS will get used to it and realise from the smiles and cuddles that daddy isn't mad or mean, just a bit loud :) DD used to dislike her gran's loud and very glaswegian voice but now she is used to it and loves her gran. As babies grow they start to understand more what is happening around them and as the unknowns become knowns they are less afraid.

By cuddling him i reckon you're doing the best possible thing. I think the gasping you describe was just sobbing. When DD has been very upset the sobbing can last 5 or 10 minutes, sometimes even longer, after the crying stops - i remember the effect myself when i was tiny. It's hard to hear but it's not harmful.

Bx

I dunno maya, sorry to disagree but Seth would definitely get upset to the point of near hyperventilation as would Paris, and they were not being subjected to anything upsetting etc. Paris still hates noise has very sensitive ears and still refuses to put them under water. I think Seth will be the same. Sometimes I do think its just the way they are. I know for sure thats the case with my kids. I think the most important thing is to reassure him and also allow his dad to reassure him too.

*hugs*
Cailin

Wow, that was a great answer, Mayaness!

If it is just sneezing etc that makes Jonathan start, then that's fine. Loud behaviour can and should be toned down. With DS, it was toys in his face that made him upset with DH; I've spoken to DH and now toys are brought to DS slowly. Oddly enough, DS is fine with me being loud and toys jumping at him when I'm doing it, just no-one else. But he gets scared of anyone else shouting, which is one reason I'm seeing some friends less and less.

One thing made me laugh at DS the other day, he was playing the piano (LOL, he's not a virtuoso just yet) and decided to really go for it. So he hammered the keys and started crying because it was too loud! Time to learn some cause and effect, I think! Luckily when he's not too wound up he joins in laughing.

BTW, there are some positives. Last night DH was *supposed* to be watching DS while I was in the kitchen. I had to shout "Liebling! NO!" as I came in the room to see DS trying to chew on the TV cable. It stopped him straight away and he started on DH's hat. DH then took an interest and said "No! Naughty Liebling!" and DS just burst into tears. So it does make them stop, which if it's life or death (as a cable can be, but a hat isn't IMO) is a really good thing.

But I am going to have to talk to DH about the use of the word "naughty" because I don't use it. DS is a good boy and XYZ isn't a good boy action, so it was odd he did XYZ action. I don't tell him he's naughty.

I am hoping that once babies reach a certain level of maturity loud noises won't seem as scary anymore.
DD is scared of loud noises. She loooooves little people, but as soon as they make a loud noise (which obviously happens pretty much without fail) she gets very upset.
It does seem to be worse when she is tired.

Lestypuss, is it a petrol powered remote controlled car? Aaron has them & Zander absolutely hated them at first & would scream when they started. Now he's quite used to them, but heaven help daddy if he was to bring them close to him!!! He loves to watch daddy race every few weeks but still does jump when the cars start up. Daniel may get used to it yet ;)

Mel, has your baby always been this way, or just started to be nervous recently?

My DS has just started to be more easily startled over the last 2 weeks (since he turned 4 months old). I have just put it down to the fact that his nervous system is developing, including his senses, and perhaps he isn't able to regulate incoming senses very well yet (e.g. loud noises, unexpected touches, overstimulating things to see). For example, he will no longer feed well in a noisy environment, and he starts to cry when other nearby babies make loud noises or touch him unexpectedly. I believe it's just a developmental thing, and he'll probably grow out of it as his nervous system become more mature.

On the other hand, I also believe that some babies just do prefer a less stimulating environment. This is the same for adults - some adults thrive in noisy, exciting environments, other people need peace and quiet to be able to think properly.

Mel, at about the same age my Yasin went through a stage where he would freak out every time DH put a cap on and he also freaked at the vacuum and he wouldn't let one of my friends take her scarf off when she came visiting. He got over it eventually but to this day I have no idea why he decided he hated caps and vacuums. I asked the MCN about it and she said that it was a really normal developmental stage. Some babies hate glasses. some hate beards, some hate the car, some hate vacuums and some hate loud noises.
My DH has managed to scare my little ones on more than one occasion but it hasn't stopped him from building a fantastic relationship with them. He has a very differant kind of relationship with the boys than I do - he is much more physical and prone to jumping out at them from behind doorways and having screaming competitions. Even though I don't always agree with DHs style of parenting I try not to interfere because I think that it's up to him to choose his parenting style not me (although we agree on the big issues like discipline, schooling etc). Obviously it's working for him because both my sons drop whatever they're doing whenever he comes home to open the door and give him big hugs (Mum's just can't do bear-hugs like Dads can ;) ) and try and engage him in a wrestling match. That said, if he jumps out from behind a door a little too enthusiasticly and causes tears it's up to him to comfort them.

I think for some babies it is just 'them' kwim? I remember when I was 8, my baby cousin was always a very jumpy baby and quite easy to upset, so natually my brothers and I took great delight in making him scared/upset and even making him cry - and all we had to do was shout "BOO" at him and the bottom lip would start quivering and that would be the end of him. This started when he was only a few months old and lasted right through until late toddlerhood. But it got the the point where he would totally over react in a situation too and his mother (my Aunt - who was also a naturally nervy personality) would mollycoddle him to the point where all loud noises, strange voices/people would upset him as he became so sheltered from them in his day to day life. he was also her first child.

I am not saying that by comforting your child you are going to 'ruin' him as what I have told you is based on my own personal experience of it and was merely to provide an insight, but in my experience with my own children I have learnt that sometimes yes, they need to be comforted when upset, but they also need to learn that whatever it was that upset them wont hurt them. My eldest was deathly frightened of loud noises, which was a catch 22 for a long time as he loved watching tractor pulls, car races etc but we would have to go armed with ear muffs to dull the noise. All three of my children have at some stage been terrified of their uncles (my brothers) as they are quite big sollid men with loud booming voices - but now they are fine with them.

Unless your Dp is doing something to deliberately upset/frighten your little boy, then it could be a case of him just needing to learn that this is how Daddy is - sometimes loud and sometimes scary kwim? (but loud and scary in a good way) And in no way do I mean for you to expose him to a situation that is obviously terrifying him, but he wont ever learn to be comfortable around his father if his every moment with him is guarded.

In no way was I generalising my response to other people's babies who are scared of loud noises. I was responding directly to the OP :)
Whilst I hope that it is a simple case of becoming sensitive to noise as a developmental phase (that still isn't 'no reason', it is fear due to sensitivity to noise, not just to exercise lungs!), I was thinking that it may be a case of DP being a little insensitive to the bub and not realising the effect it could have on him.
Yes, bub will still love his daddy, and he can incorporate his fear of daddy's voice into that love. I know kids whose fathers love them dearly, and come from the 'old school' of 'smacking has its place', 'I turned out fine by being yelled at and smacked' (ummm, according to whom?) - their kids hide and run (VERY fast!) when they have done something they know they shouldn't have done...because they are scared of their beloved daddy's reaction. I love my mum, but I think that whenever she raises her arm to scratch her head I will forever draw away and cringe, from the time when I was young that I would cop a slap or whack for the smallest thing (she of the school of thought that to 'punish' the smallest thing would prevent bigger transgressions from happening...). I've accomodated that conditioning into my interactions with her.
I hope I'm way off and that Jonathan is just a sensitive baby who needs stimuli in his environment to be presented to him sensitively (certainly not eliminated or he might become a bit intolerant to change later on!). Otherwise, listen to your gut instincts :)

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Mayaness - Thanks so much for the message it made so much sense to me. My DP hasnt actually yelled at my DS and I dont think he ever would, he just has a bad habit of talking loudly at him or around him. For example, My DP was talking to me one day just normal and his phone rang so he answered it but rather loudly and my DS looked at him and the bottom lip just dropped and he started.
Last night was something different though because my DS has been very upset the past few days because he is teething, last night just seemed to be the worst time of all to get scared. He just seemed so much more freaked out then normal. To answer your question of how much time he spends with him, He is here every afternoon after work then he goes back to his place but he stays here every weekend and I am always around the only person I have ever left my DS with alone is my mum. In January we are moving in together though my DS will be 9 months old then
Cherie - My DS has always been jumpy but just recently he has gotten worse, I had a pretty stressful pregnancy as my DS real father was on my back about having an abortion and then when I didnt he was on my back constantly about not having a child, and getting custody of him. Would this have some effect on the nerves of my DS??
My DP has been with me since I was 5 months pregnant and he was there at the birth and has been here ever since, he accepts my DS as his own son. He really is a kind loving man but quite a BIG kind loving man with a deep voice.
We do need to have the parenting talk though I think because I am sure there are a lot of things we are going to dissagree on in the future. I know he wants the best for him and he wants him to grow up to be a big strong boy but I am more of the type to cuddle him all the time and mother him too much I think lol. I think maybe next time it happens I will calm him and then I wil give him straight back to DP because I really dont want him being scared of his father, I want them to have a really close relationship.

My daughter was like that starting at the same age.
She outgrew it around a year old I think - but she still very wary of people she didn't know for a while after that.
Now she'll talk to anyone and isn't scared of anything...which creates a whole new set of problems :rolleyes:

Hey, Mel, you've been through the ringer, and now you have a beautiful son that someone else wants to love - you've done well!!
I believe that the experiences during pregnancy that a mother has can affect the child, by transmission of stress hormones that DO cross the placenta. Studies on unborn children show that they react to the mother's fear, the respond to the mother's relaxation states etc, because the bodies natural hormones are shared with the baby through the bloodstream. So, it's likely that your little boy needs the extra reassurance that you can provide, now that he's on the outside :)
Also, at some stage he will know that his real daddy didn't want him. That might hurt him, but he will ALWAYS know that as much as ONE person didn't want him, his mummy is the bees knees and his daddy (your DP) loves him as well. So you cuddle whenever you want - after all, they all get to a stage when they don't want your cuddles, so get 'em while you can!
Your DP will need to let go of any ideas about 'toughening the boy up'. If DS is sensitive and slightly anxious naturally, insistence on being a 'big strong boy' will drive his real self underground. Worse still, someone who is taught that their natural disposition is a bad thing can overcompensate by becoming insensitive to everyone around them. Successful men are not the ones who pretend they don't have feelings - they're the likeable ones that people feel they can approach and talk to.
In my situation, I cuddle my boy constantly. I tell him I love him all the time, even when he's asleep! I kiss him and hold him, we co-sleep, I breastfeed him whenever he wants it etc. Now, he's not a sensitive kid (he's the opposite, he is absolutely fearless and laughs when you frighten him - he could do with more fear factor!), but that's my point - cuddling them and being there for them makes no real difference to their personalities.
Put it this way: if needs extra cuddles, it is better to give them to him than to withhold them. He'd be called a 'high needs baby' and they are completely normal, you'll be pleased to know. No amount of 'talking tough' will change that. The last thing you want a high needs baby to do is to stop communicating their needs - you don't want them to think they are alone and that there's no point asking for help.
You are doing the best that you can by Jonathan - that's all that you can give :) DP sounds like a gem, I hope he can work out his relationship positively with your son.
Also, Pinky Mackay has a website if you want to google it (although I think there's a link to it somewhere here in the Articles secion).
Don't doubt yourself and don't think that your age stops you from being a good mother, because that's just not true. When you listen to yourself and your son, then mummy really does know best.

Mayaness thank you so much :) That is what I thought originally cuddle whenever I can lol. My DP got a lil upset last night kus I snatched Jonathan out of his arms when he was gasping for breath, so we will be having a deep and meaningful this afternoon because he needs to realise that I am mum and if my lil man is crying he needs his mummy. I am a bit worried about talking to him about it because I don't want him to think that I am being selfish or unreasonable. But what got me the most last night was the fact that after he scared him and he was crying really badly he didnt really do anything (like calming him down), whereas if it was me holding him I would get up and walk around with him and talk softly to him. I know that DP is as new at this as I am but for some reason this time I just felt really angry about the whole thing and I felt as though at the time I could have just lost it at DP. I really just dont like seeing my lil one upset. Am i being selfish and overprotective or am I being reasonable?
How would you approach the situation of talking about it? I asked my mum and she said just say how you feel, but me and DP have been together for just over 8 months and not had one argument whereas myself and my ex argued all the time and I am scared of getting into that pattern again.

By the way I have also googled Pinky Mackay and I will be reading that this afternoon. :)

It takes strong man not to feel displaced during the first 6 months of a baby's life and a good way to deal with the inevitable feelings of being left out is to really highlight where they CAN help and be an important part of the baby's life.
For instance, my DP knew that bathtime was his thing. For the first few months, too (till I foolishly took over!), he washed and folded the nappies. He got cuddles when DS was calm and quiet, but he knew what his limits were - upset baby needs boob!
To DP's advantage, his younger brother had his son at age 19, then a daughter at 21, and most recently a 3rd child, so he had been there to witness that a daddy DOES become more important to the baby all in good time. Once they realise that there ARE some things that they can't do as well as mummy can, they can take the pressure off themselves and just play the waiting game.
That's not to say that they may as well not be there, I don't mean that at all. Your DS will know who his daddy is and that he is there, he just doesn't need him for his basic survival. He WILL be a very important role model for him in the not too distant future. In a nice balance, at about the time that daddies become more important, mummies don't have to be there as much.
Sometimes, too, no matter how sensitive DP is being, there is nowhere else baby wants to be except with mummy. There's no getting around that. That might help you, too, to realise that when you see DP not being as responsive as you would like, and it might ease your frustration with him. You will need to be his example, and it will take a while to kick in! The last thing you want to do is to make DP feel inadequate. Some daddies also get offended being told that they are not as important and effective as mummy, so us girls have to find sneaky ways to make daddies feel useful ;) I'd start with bathtime - that can be 'their' thing. Also, if you have a sling, or can borrow one, he can carry him when he's calm - just watch his face and body language when he realises that his son has fallen asleep on him! It is such a confidence booster for them, but start out giving DS over when he is calm, or he will feel defeated if he is given an already upset child and can't calm him effectively.
My DS can go to DP for comfort now (still not as good as booby, but he knows that he's safe with DP and that it's a good place to be in his arms).
If your DP can accept that it's just the hardwiring of a baby's brain and body to be so dependant on his mummy (you need to find a nice way to say this!), he will feel alot more part of his life. Your cuddling of DS doesn't cut out DP at all, but I can see how men would easily see it that way.
Do some reading of Pinky, Sheila Kitzinger, Dr Sarah Buckley, if you can, and use what you learn from them to talk to DP. Also, there are some excellent 'Dad' articles here on BB that you could print out for him.
Daddies are very important to babies, just in a different way from mummies for a while, and for very good reason :)
ETA: this may seem a little airy fairy and tree hugging hippy, but here it is:
Before you talk to DP, sit down by yourself and close your eyes. Remind yourself that you are going to talk to him because you love him and you love your son. You are going to speak from the heart. When you speak from the heart, it's difficult for someone to take offence and call you a smart@rse. Like your mum said, talk about what you have been feeling. Ask him to talk from his heart, too (he might think that's a weird thing to ask, but it should get his defensive walls down). THEN begin the conversation, beginning where you feel comfortable.

Now that you've added a bit more detail to the relationship that you are in, the fact is that you are going to have to learn to be able to trust him with your child at some stage if you want this relationship to become permanent. I understand now that because your DP does not live with you full time that your little one isn't around him daily to be able to get used to the way he is kwim?

There will also come a time where you might have to leave him with your DP while you go to the shops and you have to be able to let DP look after him and that means letting him learn how to comfort him - simply snatching him away won't help that progress at all. I know at the time all you wanted to do was cuddle him, but father figures can give hugs too.

:

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so we will be having a deep and meaningful this afternoon because he needs to realise that I am mum and if my lil man is crying he needs his mummy.

---

Forgive me if this is out of line but I think you also need to realise that if you want to make it work you have to give him a chance or you will risk him not wanting to be a part of Jonathon's life at all and completely distancing himself from you - trust breeds trust and that is an important part of a relationship. Think of it from his point of view, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and this was his child that you were trying to comfort and he just took the child away?

You do need to have a chat about the role he will play in your child's life but not at the expense him building a relationship - one that includes him being a comfort to your child.

I agree with Sherie that DP needs to have times when he tries to comfort your son. However, you need to know when that's not working and that it's time for you to tactfully step in (even if you need to apologise to DP later). It can be a fine line between ignoring your instinct so as not to hurt someone else's feelings, and knowing when it's ok to leave an upset baby with someone else. If you can't take it any more to just stand by and hear his crying escalate, step in. It's not worth your baby getting more upset over to save DP's feelings. He's the adult and being offended is not something your baby will understand, so baby comes first IYKWIM?
They will work each other out, don't worry :hug:

I have to say I kinda agree with Sherie on this one. I think snatching a child out of another's arms to me is only showing that child they have something to fear. Marc would be terribly hurt if I ever did that to him and he has just as much right to comfort his children as I do. I don't believe that a mother is more important than a father they both are very important.

I hope I haven't come across rudely but I do believe strongly that a family consists of a mother and a father, and these days we are lucky enough that society encourages fathers to be a bigger part of their children's lives, they are no longer just the bread winner but are also seen as the comforter and the carer and it makes me feel sad when I see a father missing out because a mother thinks she is the only one to care or comfort her child, and usually that happens because thats all that has been allowed.

I think you are a smart woman, and you love your son very much I know the dynamics are different on some levels because your dp is not the biological father but I think if you want him to be his father, and he is a good man and loves your son and treats him well then its only fair for him to be there to comfort and care for him too (provided its something you both want).

*hugs*
Cailin

I will be talking this afternoon and thank you mayaness for the help with my situation, I will explain to him exactly what you have said in your post and hopefully that goes down ok. I am pretty sure it will as he is a pretty easy going guy.
Sherie - Thank you so much, you are not out of line at all. I have thought about it the other way around which is why I was a lil confused on what to do I didn't want him thinking that he cant do it or he is useless kus I know he is not. I will talk with him this afternoon and I will let you all know how it goes and if we have things sorted.
Thanks so much everyone for your help and options. :)

Thanks cailin, You have not come across rude. Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing which is very very helpful, as now I know what I need to do. We need to talk but I also need to realise that he is daddy and he has rights too. I think now with everyones help I will be able to talk about things without it turning into an argument or DP feeling as though I don't trust him or he is useless.

Good girl :) That's what BB is for - it actually works out well when we don't all agree with each other, or have different perspectives!
Good luck with your talk, I think you'll be fine.

Hi Mel,

I just wanted to add because i'm kind of in your situation...ish?

XP and i broke up when DD was 8 weeks old (after a long time in a rut) and i moved out a few weeks later. A month or 2 after that i started seeing a friend i've known for many years. We're totally in love now, which is lovely but we also don't live together yet.

XP is still very involved with DD's life - sees her every day, has her overnight at the weekends. DP has been having some contact (pick-up-bedtime, so about 90 minutes once a week and occasionally a day together if we have something planned) for the last 2 or 3 months but before them i kept them apart because i wanted DD to have a very clear idea of who daddy was before i introduced another guy into the equation. Well once this had oviously happened, and DP and i had been together getting on a year (so it was obviously going to last iykwim) i started bringing DD and DP together.

Anyway the point of my big ramble is that it is hard when the father figure isn't the father. I know how that feels. When DP tells Esme off (or, rather, when he says things like "No esme, don't eat the bottle lid, spit it out please" i have to make myself be quiet. Not because he does things any different to how i would - he's firm but fair, but because she's not his. There is in my mind a big difference between seeing the child's other parent with them and seeing another person with them.

I personally think that parents are parents and XP has as much rights over her and potential "say" in her life as i do. BUt i have to work DP into that equation too, kwim?

In some ways i guess it'd be easier for you because your DS's dad isn't in the picture, but even then i can see it might be hard to tell yourself "DP is his daddy" when you disagree with what's happening. I have to pick my battles with XP - he is a VeRY different parent to me and a lot of what happens i disapprove of, but i can't waste all my time arguing over whether he should still sterilise everything (NO i have autoimmune problems for goodness sake! STOP IT! lol) when the issue of smacking is so much more important. So i only argue the really big points which i think will make a difference to DD's self-esteem and behaviour.

With DP the time is coming when he moves in, and as hard as i find it i know i'm going to have to decide that he is also her daddy. Even now i would never contradict DP in front of DD, but it is still anyone's natural reaction to a non-parent instructing their child to think "hey, she's my kid, who are you to tell her what to do?".

Anyway the point of this big ramble (sorry) was to say that it might be wise to decide now exactly HOW involved you want DP to be. DP isn't DS's daddy and if that makes enough difference that you'd rather he didn't have full parenting powers, that's fair enough. I think to put DS into DP's arms and then snatch him back when DS cries will make DS think he is justified in being nervous around DP and DP feel like a failure. I know how hard it is but it's better now to say "Honey try rocking him or walking with him, don't just sit there, it's ok to try stuff to comfort him." and let them find their own way together. If DP is going to be his daddy he NEEDS to learn how to care for him as you do, and DS needs him to be able to. I know so many women who are birned out because they do everything for their kids and households but when you see the family in action you realsie that the reason she does all the work is that she won't LET him help and if he tries he gets "You're doing it wrong!". It's an easy trap to fall in, but for me it's better long-term to let DP learn now how to help out and deal with parenting challenges so he is as fulfilled in his role as father as I am as mother.

Bec

hey girls!
the talk went well, all i said was that I need to know that you can comfort DS when I am not around. So last night DP was holding DS when he started crying. DP moved him into a different position that didnt work so he got up with him spoke to him softly and DS calmed down. DP wont admit it but you should have seen the look on his face when he was able to calm him down by himself without me interfering. It was a look of "I did it"!! It was great!
Thank you so much for all your help.
I will be starting another thread on a different issue, I would start it here but it has nothing to do with this lol. Feel free to help in my new thread its called Routines and sleeping.

Thanks again
xox

I know - how awesome is it when you see their confidence boosted like that!
Great work, he really does sound like a good egg :)