Hi there,
I have a 4 month old son who is very very scared and nervous. Someone could sneeze, talk loud or even cough and he starts screaming. Just tonight his daddy accidently scared him and he started screaming, then he started gasping for breath. Of course my natural reaction was to pick him up and calm him down which took way longer than normal. When I got him calmed down it sounded like every now and then he was still gasping for air but he was breathing fine.
Is this normal please help I am a young first time mum and I have no idea if this is normal or not for him to be so jumpy and scared.
Thank you
Mel
Well, if it's not normal I'm an awful mummy! DS starts if you sneeze or cough when he's starting to get tired - luckily he has a song he loves so I sing that and when he stops for breath he hears it and calms down.
I've had to change the ring tone on the house phone as he hated that too. DS is just a bit highly strung, he'll calm down when he's older... I hope!
Zander used to get frightened by loud noises & even now at 2 1/2 he doesn't like it either, if I'm using the blender for example he'll stay far away & will shout "you ok mummy?" I think some bubs are just a bit more sensitive to noises, nothing right or wrong about it, just how they are IMO.
My DH loves remote control cars. He fired one up the other day in the hope it's a hereditary love - it ain't. Daniel totally cracked it.
Oh, he also HATES, HATES, HATES the tickle me Elmo I bought him. He bursts in to tears every time that gets going. Maybe one day he'll like it.
I've noticed that Daniel has gone through hating things and then I put them away. I'll bring them out a couple of months later and all is forgiven. There's always something scary to replace it though.
DS loves cars and motorbikes, but will freak at a toy he loved five minutes before too - and will love the toy five minutes later too. Babies are such strange little beasts!
Thank you so much for answering me. I may have to ask my partner to tone down his voice a lil tho kus I just found out that he scared him by talking rather loudly at him. And its not the first time this has happened.
Will Jonathan (my son) become frightened of him if he keeps this up?
I was just about to ask, Mel, how often your DP spends time with your son when you're not there. I'm not suggesting that there is anything untoward going on, just that when we're not there, it is harder to account for reactions that have been primed during that time away from us. With animals and kids, it is often these times that hold the answers for 'extreme' behaviour.
I don't want to cast aspersions on your DP and his parenting, I would just advise that you be aware of his interactions with DS. Don't be afraid to say when you don't like something, because he is your son, you spend the most time with him, and should anything happen to you and your DP's relationship in the future (touch wood!), you will be the one more than likely 'holding the baby' and dealing with the consequences of behaviour that has an effect on your child.
I am of the belief, from what I have studied, read, and from gut feeling, that for the first 6 months, at least, our babies consider Mummy to be the most important person in the world. This is basic survival. Mummy's got the goods and she does for a good first 6 months. (Babies who lose mummies in that time adjust very well to that loss, but where mummy is in the picture, my theory seems to hold water IMO).
I would just advise that whenever he shows signs of upset, no matter what the cause, you be there to offer an unconditional cuddle. He needs to know that, no matter what, it's ok to come to you when he feels insecure.
It might also be useful to sit down with DP and talk about the kind of parenting you want to do, if you haven't already. Things like discipline (are you ok with smacking? If you are not, then it's important that you come to agreement about this), the kinds of toys you would like for him, if you'd like him to learn music and what kind of school you think you'd like to send him to later (not very important at this stage, but it's good to get some kind of idea of what your goals are for your child).
Sorry if I'm overreacting, I just sensed that you were saying DS was more than just a little jumpy at loud noises, and that he was actually being a fearful child. Sensitive and fearful are distinct symptoms.
I know that people will say that there doesn't have to be a reason for babies to do certain things or behave certain ways. I don't believe that. Babies have better things to do (like survive their first 6 months) than invent conditions and symptoms for our consternation.
It sounds like you need to be aware of the environment DS is exposed to, and whilst you can't control everything all of the time, there are things you CAN do, as his mummy, that he will be forever grateful for
And you know what? Good on you for noticing something is up with your bub Your age doesn't stop you from knowing what is good for your baby and you
ETA: And to answer your last question - Yes, very likely he will become frightened of your DP if he keeps it up.
I recommend you read a very highly regarded book by Pinky Mackay - you should be able to get it in your local library, or ask that they buy it in. It's called "Parenting by Heart" - it will give you the confidence in your parenting skills that you know, deep down, that you have!
Last edited by Smoke Jaguar; August 30th, 2007 at 10:53 PM.
My DD can't stand the hoover, she freaks even at the sight of it. I still hoover when i have to hoover but i do it with a big silly grin on my face and dance about to try to cheer her up. It probably sounds harsh to some but i see little point in over-comforting for her fear of something which isn't fearful - kwim? I'm hoping by my happy reaction to the hoover she will eventually get that it's noisy but harmless.
Sarah LMAO! at Zander! That is too cute! "You alright mummy?" LOL.
I think a lot of babies dislike loud noises because it means they can't hear you and you can't hear them and humans rely strongly on verbal communication of danger. So it probably feels dangerous if they can't hear you as well or think you can't hear them.
XP totally terrified DD yesterday. He put the lego tub, full of lego, over his head and as he lifted it off of course all the lego flowed out. She freaked RIGHT out a the sight and sound of all tha lego pouring onto my laminate floors. She was back in love with him 5 minutes later. If your DP was shouting at your DS that's obviously a cause for concern, but if he just happens to have a booming voice then DS will get used to it and realise from the smiles and cuddles that daddy isn't mad or mean, just a bit loud DD used to dislike her gran's loud and very glaswegian voice but now she is used to it and loves her gran. As babies grow they start to understand more what is happening around them and as the unknowns become knowns they are less afraid.
By cuddling him i reckon you're doing the best possible thing. I think the gasping you describe was just sobbing. When DD has been very upset the sobbing can last 5 or 10 minutes, sometimes even longer, after the crying stops - i remember the effect myself when i was tiny. It's hard to hear but it's not harmful.
I dunno maya, sorry to disagree but Seth would definitely get upset to the point of near hyperventilation as would Paris, and they were not being subjected to anything upsetting etc. Paris still hates noise has very sensitive ears and still refuses to put them under water. I think Seth will be the same. Sometimes I do think its just the way they are. I know for sure thats the case with my kids. I think the most important thing is to reassure him and also allow his dad to reassure him too.
If it is just sneezing etc that makes Jonathan start, then that's fine. Loud behaviour can and should be toned down. With DS, it was toys in his face that made him upset with DH; I've spoken to DH and now toys are brought to DS slowly. Oddly enough, DS is fine with me being loud and toys jumping at him when I'm doing it, just no-one else. But he gets scared of anyone else shouting, which is one reason I'm seeing some friends less and less.
One thing made me laugh at DS the other day, he was playing the piano (LOL, he's not a virtuoso just yet) and decided to really go for it. So he hammered the keys and started crying because it was too loud! Time to learn some cause and effect, I think! Luckily when he's not too wound up he joins in laughing.
BTW, there are some positives. Last night DH was *supposed* to be watching DS while I was in the kitchen. I had to shout "Liebling! NO!" as I came in the room to see DS trying to chew on the TV cable. It stopped him straight away and he started on DH's hat. DH then took an interest and said "No! Naughty Liebling!" and DS just burst into tears. So it does make them stop, which if it's life or death (as a cable can be, but a hat isn't IMO) is a really good thing.
But I am going to have to talk to DH about the use of the word "naughty" because I don't use it. DS is a good boy and XYZ isn't a good boy action, so it was odd he did XYZ action. I don't tell him he's naughty.
I am hoping that once babies reach a certain level of maturity loud noises won't seem as scary anymore.
DD is scared of loud noises. She loooooves little people, but as soon as they make a loud noise (which obviously happens pretty much without fail) she gets very upset.
It does seem to be worse when she is tired.
Lestypuss, is it a petrol powered remote controlled car? Aaron has them & Zander absolutely hated them at first & would scream when they started. Now he's quite used to them, but heaven help daddy if he was to bring them close to him!!! He loves to watch daddy race every few weeks but still does jump when the cars start up. Daniel may get used to it yet
Mel, has your baby always been this way, or just started to be nervous recently?
My DS has just started to be more easily startled over the last 2 weeks (since he turned 4 months old). I have just put it down to the fact that his nervous system is developing, including his senses, and perhaps he isn't able to regulate incoming senses very well yet (e.g. loud noises, unexpected touches, overstimulating things to see). For example, he will no longer feed well in a noisy environment, and he starts to cry when other nearby babies make loud noises or touch him unexpectedly. I believe it's just a developmental thing, and he'll probably grow out of it as his nervous system become more mature.
On the other hand, I also believe that some babies just do prefer a less stimulating environment. This is the same for adults - some adults thrive in noisy, exciting environments, other people need peace and quiet to be able to think properly.
Mel, at about the same age my Yasin went through a stage where he would freak out every time DH put a cap on and he also freaked at the vacuum and he wouldn't let one of my friends take her scarf off when she came visiting. He got over it eventually but to this day I have no idea why he decided he hated caps and vacuums. I asked the MCN about it and she said that it was a really normal developmental stage. Some babies hate glasses. some hate beards, some hate the car, some hate vacuums and some hate loud noises.
My DH has managed to scare my little ones on more than one occasion but it hasn't stopped him from building a fantastic relationship with them. He has a very differant kind of relationship with the boys than I do - he is much more physical and prone to jumping out at them from behind doorways and having screaming competitions. Even though I don't always agree with DHs style of parenting I try not to interfere because I think that it's up to him to choose his parenting style not me (although we agree on the big issues like discipline, schooling etc). Obviously it's working for him because both my sons drop whatever they're doing whenever he comes home to open the door and give him big hugs (Mum's just can't do bear-hugs like Dads can ) and try and engage him in a wrestling match. That said, if he jumps out from behind a door a little too enthusiasticly and causes tears it's up to him to comfort them.
I think for some babies it is just 'them' kwim? I remember when I was 8, my baby cousin was always a very jumpy baby and quite easy to upset, so natually my brothers and I took great delight in making him scared/upset and even making him cry - and all we had to do was shout "BOO" at him and the bottom lip would start quivering and that would be the end of him. This started when he was only a few months old and lasted right through until late toddlerhood. But it got the the point where he would totally over react in a situation too and his mother (my Aunt - who was also a naturally nervy personality) would mollycoddle him to the point where all loud noises, strange voices/people would upset him as he became so sheltered from them in his day to day life. he was also her first child.
I am not saying that by comforting your child you are going to 'ruin' him as what I have told you is based on my own personal experience of it and was merely to provide an insight, but in my experience with my own children I have learnt that sometimes yes, they need to be comforted when upset, but they also need to learn that whatever it was that upset them wont hurt them. My eldest was deathly frightened of loud noises, which was a catch 22 for a long time as he loved watching tractor pulls, car races etc but we would have to go armed with ear muffs to dull the noise. All three of my children have at some stage been terrified of their uncles (my brothers) as they are quite big sollid men with loud booming voices - but now they are fine with them.
Unless your Dp is doing something to deliberately upset/frighten your little boy, then it could be a case of him just needing to learn that this is how Daddy is - sometimes loud and sometimes scary kwim? (but loud and scary in a good way) And in no way do I mean for you to expose him to a situation that is obviously terrifying him, but he wont ever learn to be comfortable around his father if his every moment with him is guarded.
In no way was I generalising my response to other people's babies who are scared of loud noises. I was responding directly to the OP
Whilst I hope that it is a simple case of becoming sensitive to noise as a developmental phase (that still isn't 'no reason', it is fear due to sensitivity to noise, not just to exercise lungs!), I was thinking that it may be a case of DP being a little insensitive to the bub and not realising the effect it could have on him.
Yes, bub will still love his daddy, and he can incorporate his fear of daddy's voice into that love. I know kids whose fathers love them dearly, and come from the 'old school' of 'smacking has its place', 'I turned out fine by being yelled at and smacked' (ummm, according to whom?) - their kids hide and run (VERY fast!) when they have done something they know they shouldn't have done...because they are scared of their beloved daddy's reaction. I love my mum, but I think that whenever she raises her arm to scratch her head I will forever draw away and cringe, from the time when I was young that I would cop a slap or whack for the smallest thing (she of the school of thought that to 'punish' the smallest thing would prevent bigger transgressions from happening...). I've accomodated that conditioning into my interactions with her.
I hope I'm way off and that Jonathan is just a sensitive baby who needs stimuli in his environment to be presented to him sensitively (certainly not eliminated or he might become a bit intolerant to change later on!). Otherwise, listen to your gut instincts
Thanks everyone for your replies.
Mayaness - Thanks so much for the message it made so much sense to me. My DP hasnt actually yelled at my DS and I dont think he ever would, he just has a bad habit of talking loudly at him or around him. For example, My DP was talking to me one day just normal and his phone rang so he answered it but rather loudly and my DS looked at him and the bottom lip just dropped and he started.
Last night was something different though because my DS has been very upset the past few days because he is teething, last night just seemed to be the worst time of all to get scared. He just seemed so much more freaked out then normal. To answer your question of how much time he spends with him, He is here every afternoon after work then he goes back to his place but he stays here every weekend and I am always around the only person I have ever left my DS with alone is my mum. In January we are moving in together though my DS will be 9 months old then
Cherie - My DS has always been jumpy but just recently he has gotten worse, I had a pretty stressful pregnancy as my DS real father was on my back about having an abortion and then when I didnt he was on my back constantly about not having a child, and getting custody of him. Would this have some effect on the nerves of my DS??
My DP has been with me since I was 5 months pregnant and he was there at the birth and has been here ever since, he accepts my DS as his own son. He really is a kind loving man but quite a BIG kind loving man with a deep voice.
We do need to have the parenting talk though I think because I am sure there are a lot of things we are going to dissagree on in the future. I know he wants the best for him and he wants him to grow up to be a big strong boy but I am more of the type to cuddle him all the time and mother him too much I think lol. I think maybe next time it happens I will calm him and then I wil give him straight back to DP because I really dont want him being scared of his father, I want them to have a really close relationship.
Scared Baby
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Your age doesn't stop you from knowing what is good for your baby and you 
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