Heartbroken.....did I do something wrong?

I found out yesterday that at 6wks and 5 days my beautiful baby had no heartbeat.

What an absolutely horrible thing to have to endure...the vision of that empty cold space will stay with me forever.You know even thoug my hcg wasn't rising properly and I was told to expect the worst...I still FELT pregnant,I still hoped until that very last sec that it would all be ok. The embryologist and doctors joked with me at my transfer that I should be prepared for twins because they looked so healthy...and now look at me without even one.:cry:
I am so very sad,so angry and feel so guilty. Did they not know how much I wanted them,did I do something wrong? It was all looking so good until they came to me.:cry:
We told so many people and now already have had to deal with them looking at me aukwardly because they don't know what to say.I should never have told anyone,it's made it harder...although those I did tell for the most part have been amazing....am blessed to have them.
We have no embryos left,no chance of eggs and no donor.
I feel like I have let my husband down and denied my DD a brother or sister...and God she asks for one nearly every day.I am so very lucky to have them both and my DD thankfully means I have to pick myself up and get on with it. 5 year olds have no time for sitting!:)
My emotions range from being totally lost in space,to pure rage where I could just throw something accross the room and then to a sobbing mess feeling so sorry for myself.But I am sure you all know what this feels like,some so much more than others and I am truly so sorry that any of us have to go through this horrible sadness.

:hugs: to each and every one of you and I :pray: that we never have to experience this again.

Claire

Oh hun, I'm so, so sorry!

Oh Claire, I'm so sorry for your loss, it's just heartbreaking. Do you have a sister or a close friend that you could ask to be an egg donor for you? I don't know what your circumstances are but maybe, just maybe there is still some hope for you out there.

I wish you all the best and hope that a miracle stops by your house very soon. xxx

Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. Please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault.

Just be kind to yourself, it is ok to be sad/angry/guilty/mad/heartbroke


Big :hugs: coming you way.

Lv Spring

I AM just SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!!!!
take care and we are here if you need us
odette

Claire
You didn't do anything wrong!!! Write it on the mirror so when you look at yourself you can see it, tell yourseft It wasn't my fault.
I understand it is hard, I haven't gone through IVF or anything like that but I have difficulty to falling preg. Due to medical probs.

What do you mean by no eggs???

Big Hugs :hug:
Take care
Chris

Claire, you did nothing wrong. We mums tend to blame ourselves because we are usually the glue that holds things together. I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your little babies. HUGS.

oh sweety this is so heartbreaking. Im sorry for your loss and we are all here for you whenever you need us.

hugs
treelo

clairebear, so sorry to hear your sad sad news. I know how you feel having just been through the same thing myself (and yes, still trying to get back on track physically and emotionally).

I know exactly what you mean about still feeling pregnant despite the m/c and also about feeling so silly and awkward having spread the good news already and now having to spread the bad.

This forum has helped me alot to see the encouraging replies and stories of people who have been through the same (or worse) and have survived.

I hope it helps you just as much to know that there are many of us out there who can share and feel your pain.

Good luck in the coming days trying to come to grips with your loss and extra extra HUGS for you!!!

I'm sorry for your loss. You know deep down you didn't do anything to cause it, but we all think that way from time to time. It's really hard when you've told people and trying to get those few words out after a m/c is incredibly hard to do but it has to be done.

Grieve your loss, cry as much as you need to. I still cry now and then over my losses, usually completely out of the blue.... in fact I've done it a lot lately. I found the support I got in the m/c threads was what got me through as no one IRL seemed to understand what I was going through. Be prepared for some heartless comments from people who just don't understand at all. Just take it on the chin and write about it in here. We understand. Take care.

Claire you have done nothing wrong honey and dont think that you did i am so so sorry to hear of you loss it must be so heartbreaking and it does make it harder the more people you have told as it feels like you have to repeat everything and tell them what happened i really hope that as time goes on it gets a little easier for you my thoughts are with you at this sad time sending big :hug: to you honey take care of yourself.

Munchy xxx

Claire - I've just got one thing to say - YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

I know all too well the empty screen, it's a heartbreak nobody deserves to endure, yet there are all too many who have. I wish I had more to say, but I'm crying tears for your loss as well as my own right now - it's all too familiar.

Claire, I hope you don't mind me answering the following... Caro, if you read Claire's sig you'll see that she has suffered premature ovarian failure. She cannot produce her own eggs. If she has no donor, there's no chance of another go. Which makes the heartbreak all the worse.

BW

oh hun,
i am so sorry to hear this news. this TTC thing is so hard and i think especially when you have done IVF cycles. if you need to chat just PM to let me know or anything.
my heart goes out to you and your DH. you didn't do anything wrong hun, you know that, but it is so hard to find understanding in the unexplainable.
give yourself the space to grieve and use BB to vent etc if you need to. there are many here that understand your pain and anger and can give to you.

:hugs:

dusty (your LTTTC2WW buddy)

So sorry claire- sending you a great BIG hug :)

oh, i am so sorry for your loss. you are normal to feel the way you do, but you did nothing wrong, my dear. hugs to you, m

Claire I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve before you decide where to from here. Sending you a big :hug: as you walk through this difficult and very sad time.

Clarie i am so sorry for you loss. There are a lot of us in this forum who have endured pain similar to yours and are able to offer advice from our situations. Take time to yourself, don't place any blame on yourself at all and take comfort in those around you. My thoughts are with you at this time.

Claire- Im so sorry for your devastating loss. Please take care of yourself and dh, and give your little girl an extra big hug, she'll really help you through this. Big hugs

Hi Claire
Still thinking of you i hope your ok and i wish you the speediest of mc's and recovery. With the emotional side it will take alot of time, so be good to yourself. i hope your family are ok too, iknow its so hard on them as well, luckily my little man is only 3 so he doesnt know whats going on, which is a blessing. big hugs to you and your family and i hope you are thinkin of giving it another try, because you sound like you would be the most awesome mum and i think you deserve to be blessed. take care and hope to hear from you soon

I am so sorry for your loss we miss our loved little ones so.

don't feel bad about telling people. Although it is hard to tell them in the short term over the next few weeks and months you will find that they will be more sensitive and understanding of you. Your friends although they don't know what to say are there to support you and will be ready to help you if need be

Hang in there.

I am going through the same thing at around the same point in my pregnancy. At first I went totally numb but now I hurt so badly I wish for the numbness to return.....I feel your sadness and anger. My heart is with you.

Hi Girls,

Hope you are all doing well.Gosh this has been a very hard journey,but you know what they say "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger".I cannot thankyou all enough for your lovely messages and inspiration,it really is a blessing to have all of you and BB. I am slowly but surely getting back to normal,feel heaps better and although confused a little more positive about the future.:)
I have to go to my clinic 2moro for hopefully my last scan of this cycle...I hope it's all gone and there's no need for a D&C. Then all going well it will be back to work and try to move forward.

I was told at my clinic about a place called Cape Fertility in South Africa,who have a very successful egg donor program.Apparently there is no waiting list and it's possible to have very good donor matching...the donors are young uni students.My clinic said they have the technology to freeze EGGS and have them transfered to the clinic. My Dh and I are now weighing up the pros and cons of wether this could be an option for us......it's not cheap....$17,000 all inclusive.:rolleyes:
Anyway,wishing you all the best of luck with any upcoming transfers or treatment :pray:.....keep us up to date and I will let you guys know what info I get about the whole thing.

Hugs to all,
Claire

Hi claire
I hope you don't mind me asking but what do you mean by no more eggs??
I thought all wome were born with enough eggs to last till they go into menopause. I am 37 also and am TTC and never thought about not having enough eggs. How do you find out how many eggs you have left???
Take care
Chris

Claire,
Gosh i am so sorry you must endure this. I know only to well how you feel. Its one of the worst or should i say the worst emotional pain i have ever felt so you are not alone and most of us feel this way. All i can say is you did nothing wrong hun, i hate the saying but when this happens "its just not fair" - i know you want to scream, through things, just cry but know with time the pain will dull and you will be able to live with whatever you are feeling right now. I wish you luck with your decision making and all I will add is go with your heart - for me i never want to look back and say should of could of but why didn't I? I don't want to regret any decision as far as TTC - take care Claire. I really hope your dream comes true.

Hi girls,
Thank you all so very much for your replys and concern.
I had my last scan and last blood test and everything is back to normal.I MC naturally with no major pain or problems,which was a huge relief. I got a msg from my clinic today to let me know it's all over and wishing me luck for the future,it all felt so awfully final and sad. BUT....i'm not quite ready to give up,there's fight left in the old girl yet!:lol:

We are very seriously considering placing an ad for a donor and if that fails we will try the international clinics...probably S Africa. I am still very emotional about everything so am trying to stay as grounded as possible but I really can't accept it's over!

Chris,to answer your question and sorry for taking so long! I was diagnosed with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) at 26. One month I had a period as normal then the next nothing and I haven't had a natural period since!Yes you are right in saying that the majority of women are born with enough eggs to last until menopause.However what you get at birth is it,they don't renew and they can't be grown again.For me ,they ran out at 26 very early and very young.Science does not know why my condition happens I either had very few to start with or lost too many too quickly. My ovaries are now very small and shrivelled. I finally after many years of trying everything from HRT to accupuncture to stimulate them had to accept that my eggs were gone.I miraculously found an amazing anonymous donor and she gave me 4 eggs.They were fertilised with hubby's spem and I gave birth to a wonderful daughter who is now 5.I recently had a transfer of the remaining 2 embryos and fell pregnant again but as you know lost them.So that is why we don't have any more eggs to try without finding another donor.I think that for some reason infertility is becoming more and more common.More tests should be done on young women to keep them informed about their fertility,so that what has happened to me and many others can be prevented.

Hugs to you all,
Claire

Hi claire, just wanted to say hugs too you...I have just read your journey, and I had know idea this could happen with eggs...Im so sorry you had to loose a very much wanted and precious baby....What a lovely brave strong woman you are.I hope you find donor eggs very soon, and you can continue with your dream.Hugs and much love to you.xxooxxoo

Oh Hun, My heartbleeds for you.:hugs:
I'm so sorry. But believe us all when we say IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! It isn't anyones fault.
Every one on here has said it all so well, so I can't add really add any thing.
With the loss of my first two pregnacies, I felt like I was a failure as a human being. I resented all around me, especially pregnant women and new mothers and myself. Then someone in town started a rumour that I was pregnant, so I had two weeks of people coming in to congradulate me. THAT was the hardest.:cry:
Cry, scream, do what ever you feel. Just stay in bed if you want to. And try not to resent others, remember it's no ones fault, not theirs and definatly NOT YOURS.
We are all here for you.
Remember you have another guardian angel looking after you.:angel:
Lisa

I'm so sorry for your pain and I'm keeping you in my prayers. I've had four mis's, but even with our first child (which I thankfully brought to term), we were always afraid to tell people. And for just the reason you cite--that's it's painful and awkward to tell them your sad news. But with my third miscarriage, due to some circumstances beyond our control, people had found out and I was surprised--miscarriage is a very common experience. I had people coming out of the woodwork to offer their emotional support and share their stories. I didn't even know they had ever miscarried!!! Good luck and I hope you find the support you need at this time...