*vent* public tantrums

We just had an exciting trip to the shop with Matilda having a melt down over not being able to have a sausage roll (I had no cash on me & no $$ in the bank because I spent it all doing the food shop)

Anyway... she wound up tantruming. So I stopped and let her express herself over her dissappointment and I tried to explain that I had sausage rolls at home she could have when we got there... not good enough. Which is okay, she's only 3.

But the thing was I had one lady say very loudly as she walked by "my goodness can't that mother control her child? Imagine doing that in the shops" I had another lady stop when I was trying to stop Matilda running away. She said "just give her a whollop, go on..." I put Matilda in the car & came back for Jovie as it was too much with two and then suddenly Matilda escaped the car & was running on the road. An older man went to grab her & another old lady who was watching us started yelling "DON'T TOUCH HER!" and so he shrunk back & she followed Matilda while I came back (there were stairs & I had a trolley full with Jovie in it) I found her near the sausage roll place & the lady yelled at Matilda "STOP!" Matilda turned around & couldn't see me and freaked out. I ran up & grabbed her & the lady said that I needed Matilda to be afraid of me. That obviously she didn't respect me because she wasn't afraid of me. I thanked her for keeping an eye on Matilda & went back with Matilda kicking & screaming the whole way. As I was in tears trying to manage a 3 yr old who lost it & a baby in a trolley the old man from outside grabbed the trolley & asked me which way. He put Jovie in the car & packed my groceries away while I was managing Matilda. He came around and patted me on the back & walked away.

I think if it weren't for him I would have disolved. I just can't believe people who have to judge you for a tantrum. Its so frustrating.

If only they could walk a day in your shoes Christy then they wouldn't be so damn judgemental. Thank goodness that man was there for you - what a lovely thing to do for you. I think you do THE most amazing job parenting Matilda and you should be given praise, not judgement.

*hugs* for you hun, I hope your day gets better.

:hug: it's hard enough to deal with the tanties without putting up with other people passing judgement.
I think you do an amazing job.

:hug: Christy. That mad old bat might not understand what you go through, what you put in, what you strive for every single day but we do. Fear is not respect, it is fear. When your girls are grown they will be beautiful strong people who do good because they know themselves inside and out to be good people. There are too many people in the world living in fear of something or other. Today the universe sent you a pat on the back for your success in not creating more fear. Here's a cyber:hug: too. You're bloody brilliant. Know it. :)

Bx

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Oh Christy, big hugs. I have tears in my eyes - I totally understand how you feel. I am now feeling guilty that we weren't able to catch up today (especially as Jack seems ok now - he has eaten a sandwich without throwing up and I can't get him to keep still :rolleyes: ), it sounds like you could really use it. I hope your weekend without DH improves hun. Take heart in knowing that the lovely man is not the only one who thinks you are doing a fantastic job. Give me a call if you want (need?) a chat!

some ppl have no idea...im so glad that the man was there to give u a helping hand..good to know there are still some ppl like that out there!

hope ur day improves hun :hug:

:hug: We all have had those sorts of days .

Bugger the old bat abd good on the man for helping you,,

I may not do gentle parenting but I don't smack my children willy nilly ( maybe once a week if that ) and I certainly do not want my children afraid of me.. You do not get respect that way

Sometimes humans leave me speechless..... :hug:

Yeah I can't get over the fact that she thought my child had to fear me. Thats the last thing I want. I would hate it if Matilda was afraid of expressing herself to me, afraid of letting go around me. I want more than anything that Matilda learn about her emotions and the best ways to get them out. We all have tantrums, I had one a few days ago ;) its just learned the most acceptable way of dealing with your emotions and thast a huge lesson I'm still working on myself.

I just wanted to add, that I think it is really sad that more people aren't supportive in these situations. Where has the sense of community gone? I am lucky that my boys are good shoppers, but I know that when I have had a crying baby or a tantruming toddler, I am more stressed by what other people are thinking and how they are reacting, than I am about the situation itself. Wouldn't it be lovely if we lived in a world where people would always help us out and never criticise or give unsolicited (and usually terrible) advice?

MY Dh worries what other people think when we go shopping but I said to him.. they have all been there and done that so they should know whats going on... We get a few laughs but you get the older ones who stare and tsk tsk..

I find the older ladies who smile and say it gets worse make me laugh, it brings a smile to my face as you know they went through the same thing and were reliving thier younger years.

Christy,
We both have spirit girls and that scenario happens on a regular basis..although I am not juggling another infant. Big hugs hun, its difficult and so many times I have been told that DD needs a good smack it doesnt help.
Big chukkas for the man ....nice to see there are good people around
Bec

I don't know how ppl think whacking a kid who is having a tanty is going to help - most of the kids I have seen get smacked are in the middle of one and it never makes them stop!!

Christy know how you feel.

I went through this yesterday at the shops with Kimberley screaming for a book and Alex throwing himself on the floor. I now try and walk with my head held high and hold back from crying as much as i can.

I've only had one rude comment so far and DS hates shopping, but loves people admiring him (like us all really!) so if the rude old woman had smiled at him instead he would have calmed down!

Thing is, our babies are screaming because they want a sausage roll and old bats are whinging because there is a child... both are tantrumming in their own way. I like to picture the old women kicking the floor and laugh at them, they are behaving just as childishly as the children.

Anyone who thinks childern should feel fear instead of love and acceptance... I feel sorry for them. Imagine being raised to fear your parents. And makingg your own children fear you. So little love in their lives, they try to take our happiness too. Poor, sad, alone them.

Oh Christy. I feel your pain, I really do. I think, in light of those other people, and the juggle with the girls and the trolley, that you stayed remarkably sane. Hugs to you babe. xx

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My mum still tells the story of when I was little I was chucking a major tanty, kicking screaming the works and a little old lady came up to Mum and patted her on the back and said 'you're doing a great job, love'. She said it absolutely made her day to have a little bit of positive reinforcement.

Chrissy, the bit of your story that galls me most is her yelling to the man to leave your daughter alone. What if he panicked because of it and didn't grab her when she really needed it, ie car coming along. People are scared to touch other peoples kids (and rightfully so in some cases) but its still important that people can react and grab a kid in an emergency. I hope this doesn't stop him from reacting, if needed, in future.

Thank you rolymogs :) That brought tears to my eyes.

BabyLove, thank you as well, I did tell that man that I would have been much happier had her grabbed Matilda, he said he thought that lady may have been related so backed away but thanks for letting him know.

Christy, I was talking to my DH about what happened to you and when I mentioned that your old man was scared off from grabbing your daughter, my DH said that he wouldn't have picked her up either unless she was in mortal danger because he wouldn't want to have a mother yelling at him for touching her child....I think thats really sad :(

Oh dear, I agree, it's very sad. I would have preferred the man grab her if she was my DD if she was headed for a road. I also agree with Ryn, the old lady was tantrumming in her own way. Probably because she leads a lonely existence, maybe she has never had children of her own and thinks that solutions to problems like this ought to be straightforward and easily fixed. Pfft, I feel sorry for her and if she had said that to me about giving a good whallop I would have said "that will make it worse and you're making me feel worse too... you don't know what my child has been through today!" I can't stand it when people make snap decisions about situations :angry:

Like everyone has said, you are a great mum! I'm reading The Science of Parenting and have just read about using your Reptilian brain when making poor parenting decisions like smacking in public (or at all, Just my opinion)... sounds like that old lady is a true DRAGON! And the old guy is a saint... there needs to be more people like that these days!

Sorry to be bumping this and commenting so late, I've only recently discovered this section and have been back reading a lot... nothing much else I can do when one arm has been claimed as a sleeping prop. :p

Kids have tantrums, it's natural, it's normal and sometimes it's needed. Sometimes you just need to let out some excess emotion. Hell I had one just the other day, literally. I burst into tears, dropped to my knees and cried uncontrollably for 5 minutes. Thankfully I was in my living room. :p

What parents don't need when faced with this situation is strangers (or even relatives) butting in and putting their 2c in. I'd loved to have stopped the woman who commented loudly that you can't control your kids and ask her what she thought that might have achieved? Was she hoping you would physically remove your child out of embarrassment? Gag her? Would that woman have felt proud to have brought another human down just because she could?

And as for the "just whollop her" comment, I would have told her I'll whollop her in public instead and she can tell me how it feels. It's funny that the comment a child should fear you immediately took me back to my child hood and the fact I was always petrified of misbehaving in public for what it might bring on later. I'd be MORTIFIED if my DD ever feels like that with me.

My mother and I don't have a good (or healthy, for me) relationship now, and for me, fear became "issues" and resentment. Fear is never something to instill in a child and I feel very sorry for anyone who thinks that it the way to get your child's respect. We respect our partners because we love them, why should the parent / child relationship be any different.

Christy you did wonderfully that day and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I've seen children having moments in public and parents looking around embarrassed. I always make an effort to give them a sympathetic look and let them know it's ok. If people are bothered by kids being kids, then they shouldn't leave the house.

I'd certainly ask if a mum with a young child chucking a huge tanty and another in tow if she needed a hand...but that's me.

Isnt it sad that so many people felt the best help for you was to judge and comment (and women at that) and only 1 person saw fit to actualley get in and help out. What a society we live in when peoples first reaction is to judge and comment with unhelpful comments.
Christy how terrible for you to have to go through to scrunity of strangers when all you are trying to do is be a good mum. Good on you for not tell each and everyone of those interferring strangers where to go!

I'm curious, and sorry if I've missed it - how old (roughly) was the man that helped you? I picture a 50's or over gentlemen. Every now and then I've met a few that have remained in the "good old days" of helping and respecting women. Remind me of what grandad's would be like.

Thanks again!!! The older man was over 60 I'd say, definately a gentleman.

Oh Christy hon, I too have only just read this as I don't really come into this section of the forum very often.

I'm so sorry to hear that amongst all the gawkers & judges there was only one person that tried to give you a hand with the kids. I honestly believe it's a sad indication of our society when that poor old man tried to grab Matilda for you (to stop her being hurt on the road) was told to leave her alone by the woman?!

I'm sure I'm guilty of at some point 'judging' another parent mentally when watching a scene in front of me. It's not intentional and more than often it's the parents treating their children badly in public that I tend to form an internal opinion over. I certainly never say anything because as a parent there's nothing worse than having people vocally berate you over what you 'should' be doing in their books.

I have offered help to parents with their hands full and a tantruming baby/toddler and been shot down; but I suppose more than often I've had people take me up on it. What takes a few minutes of my time can be the world of difference to a parent with their hands full.

Christy, you are such a strong woman and brilliant Mummy hon. Please don't ever doubt your parenting instincts.

As for offering help, I wouldn't. Well, I may now, but not pre-DS. Even when pg I got evil looks and mummies rushing their babies away if I so much as greeted a baby who was looking at me. Even if they had been parked at the end of an aisle in a supermarket with no parent nearby. So offering to help or picking up a child? I'd be scared that the police would be called or I'd get abused, tbh. And that's the saddest part of today's society - we're all to scared to offer compassion and help.

I so know what you mean Rosehip. I'd love to offer help to anyone I thought might need it, but sadly do not as I have had my head bitten off in the past, and when it comes to children, too many people are too quick to think you're going to hurt, abuse or kidnap the child.

But then in the same mind, if a stranger was to come up and offer help, I'd be hesitant too. Goes both ways I guess...