I'm just now able to "talk" about it.

Hi ladies. I'm new here...I don't even know where to begin. But it has helped to be able to read some of your stories and know that I'm not alone in this grief for a child. It's only just now that I feel like I can start talking about it. It's all I want to do now.

I delivered our 20 week old son Thomas on Dec. 6th and everyday since then has just been so empty feeling. He had the cord so tight around his little neck that the doctor couldn't even cut it off. As traumatic as it was to see him that way, it was helpful to my husband and I to know what had happened. I think the only thing that has really gotten me through is my other two children, daughter 2 and son 5. My daughter seems to have this weird sense of knowing whenever I feel sad. She'll come and find me even if I'm hiding out in the bathroom and ask me if I'm ok. It's very sweet. But sometimes I get angry because I AM sad, and I feel like I NEED to cry and she just won't let me alone. The last few nights I've waited until everyone is asleep and then went downstairs where they couldn't hear me, to be alone with my tears and sadness. I miss feeling him kicking and moving around.

Leaving my house is so hard right now. We live on a Marine Corps base and it seems every where I turn there is someone pregnant or with a brand new baby. It just makes me long for my son even more. My arms feel so empty. My belly is so flat already. I know it will become easier with time to bear this sadness...Someday.

Thank you for letting me share here. I feel like no one really understands despite their efforts at help and support. I know you ladies understand though. You are in my prayers. Please hold me in yours.

Celeste

Dear Celeste,

Thank you for sharing your story. Although I haven't experience a loss such as yours, my heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers,

Ruth

Dear Celeste. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I too lost my baby at 20 weeks on 3 Dec, so I understand the pain of watching your stomach flatten and your body return to normal. It is such a difficult time and no one can ever really understand the pain and grief you feel. It is a great comfort to me to be able to talk to other women on this site.

I will keep you in my prayers. Look after yourself and take the time to cry. Big hugs.

Celeste I'm sorry your little boy passed away. I hope you can find the space to grieve. :hug:

Celeste, you have come to the best place dear, the ladies on here are amazing "listeners" and it will help to hear other stories.

I am very sad for you and your little Angel Thomas :hug:and the rest of your family, you will all miss him in your lives forever.

If you would like to check out my TTC journal, https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=44320

i have shared some of my stories of my own losses xoxox

It will take time, be kind to yourself, and cry with your little girl.. xoxo

CelestEB, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.

celeste - Like you I found out I lost my son at about 20 weeks. I know what you mean about seeing your body go back to normal. It made me so angry that it was all gone so fast. starbright is right. we are all good listeners. It can be a good feeling just knowing you are not alone. I will keep you in my prayers.

barbara

Celeste,

All i can say is cry, let it all out and cry.

And when you can talk some more, BB is here to listen.

Take care.

:hug: Celeste, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Celeste - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This is a good place to bring out your grief. We are all here for you. you're in my prayers too, love. xoxoxox

so sorry to hear of your loss, you are in my prayers

Celeste, I am so sorry to read of your loss. I too lost a son due to a cord accident. He was 16 weeks. I truely understand how you are feeling.

Big hugs,
Debbie

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Cry as much as you want to and grieve the way you want to.

Thinking of you

Celeste im so sorry for your loss.

Celeste,
I truly am sorry for your very sad loss. All I can say it dont be afraid to let yourself cry in front of others. You need to let it all out! Let others be there for you.
I am thinking of you through this very hard time.:grouphug:

Celeste, I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling at the moment. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Celeste I am so so sorry for the loss of your son Thomas. I lost my son Cooper to a cord accident at 37 weeks and like you while it was hard to see the cord tightly around his neck, it gave me a reason as to why I lost my precious little boy. It still doesn't make sense to me how it happens or why.

When you lose a baby it is like all of sudden there are pg women and babies everywhere - it is so hard. I didn't go out for months because the pain was too much. Your arms and heart will be empty and it will take time to heal. Let yourself grieve, cry, scream, be angry. Do whatever you need to do to grieve for your son. There is lots of support here from women in similar situations that can help you travel this lonely and heartbreaking path to make it just a little bit easier each day.

It has just been a year since Cooper was born sleeping and the pain is still so raw, I still think of him every day and I still cry for him every time I think of him.

Big big hugs to you and your family :hug:

May Thomas play peacefully amongst the stars with all our angel babies :hugs:

Hi Celeste

i am sorry to hear of your loss my heart goes out to you honey sending big :hug: your way its such a hard thing to go through i only no to well i lost my little girl at 23 weeks over a yr ago now but the pain is still so raw you have come to a great place of us girls who truley no what you are going through and we all support each other throught the good and the tough times i hope the pain eases in time.

Take care

Munchy xxx

hi celeste,
you made me cry reading your story as your feelings are so simliar to mine. we lost our little baby jack on nov 30th (aged 17 weeks 5 days) and the night is the worst time for me. I too sneak into the toilet when my kids (aged 3 and 5) and husband are in bed and i can grieve in my own time on my own terms. My kids talk about "baby jack" quite often as they got to hold him in hospital and in a small way it is a comfort to know that he has impacted on them as much as me and my husband. I have just gone back to work this week to support my girls in a busy time of year and even today proved i am not ready to be there as I saw a newborn in my store and had to go to the toilet to have a quick cry. I feel bad when i don't cry but i feel bad when i do. its not a great moment for you now but know that there are many of us who will connect with you in some way and be thinking of you too. please take care...x

oh, Celeste, i am so sorry for the loss of your son Thomas. i wish no one ever need feel this horrible pain. i have no words to make the grief less, but can offer ears to listen to your grief. we lost our son, Yeti, 9 months ago due to a cord accident. the searing pain, loneliness, anger, jealousy, depression and confusion are so much to bear. let your grief happen, whatever feeling is upon you, let it come now so that you can grieve now rather than later. your little girl will be better off for your living through grief and learning how to grieve from her mom. i can tell you that i feel better now than i did, but it took so long and got worse before it got better. after 4 months, i started to have some good days, so please take what hope you can that you too can make it to some better days. i still have horrible days, and miss Yeti terribly, and cry at inopportune times, but some times are actually good.

the empty arms and belly are feelings i too went through, and even now feel them when a newborn is close by. i tried to stay away from those pregnant bellies and newborns, because they hurt so much. whenever i ran into them, i cried without caring who saw me or what they thought. do whatever you need to do, my dear.

i am so sorry you have to be here, but glad that you have found this site. the folks here have helped me through some dark, dark times. i hope you too find support here, and hopefully at a support group and with a special friend or family member. big hugs to you, xxoom

Celeste, my heart goes out to you and your DH. I know the feeling of not wanting to go out because of all the baby bellies and new babies around. I also cry of a night not as often as I used to but it still happens when I have had a bad day.

Is there any support services for you at the base your at. If not there are great councelers /psycholigists around who will help. I have 3 services who are helping me get back on track and it is slowly working. They come to me so I don't have to leave the house when I am haveing a bad day.

Take care
Chris

Thank you so much for all your kind words or support and encouragement. It's comforting knowing things that I'm going through are normal and ok. No one really tells you how to live through this so some days I feel like I'm just walking around in a daze, often wondering what to do with myself.

We've had some great people from our church call and offer their support and let us know about the local support groups for grieving parents. The man who called actually had lost his daughter at 24 after 10 years of suffering through cancer. I can't imagine. It was so kind of him to call. I haven't been to any meetings yet, nor have I visited with any counseling but now I'm feeling it may be a good way to really begin getting out of this fog I've been in.

Lately I had been wondering if I had handled things correctly with my son, by not having him come to the hospital to see the baby. He asks often about his brother, and so I wondered if perhaps he had needed that closure by seeing him. But after discussing it with my mom who had come to be with me after labor, she assured me I had done the right thing. I thought perhaps in my state of horror and despair I had robbed him of something that he had needed, but she assured me that it had indeed been very traumatic for her to even see our Thomas as he was after birth and that it would have just been cruel to have put him through it. With time he'll come to accept his brother won't be coming home...it's just the times now when he asks when he'll be coming home that break my heart.

Peace to you all,
Celeste

It so hard to make decisions when you are sad and stressed, you just do what you think is right at the time, dont be so hard on yourself, sending you a big hug.

Hi Celeste, i thought i would point you in the direction of some other ladies who are recently suffering through a 20 week loss..... the thread is the Trying to concieve after late loss thread, https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=53215

A few of the girls in there are in a very similar position to you, it might help you to meet them.... you dont HAVE to be trying yet, i just thought it might be of use for you to meet them!!

I hope you are doing ok. :hug:

StarBright
xoxox

Celeste,
I lost my dd at 20 weeks, and everyday I wonder if I did things the "right way". All I can say after 4 yrs is that I'm sure I didnt and now I would do it different, but I cant. You would be suprised at how much not too graphic information children feel like they need. I had nieces and nephews that would talk to me the most frank way and it made me feel more validated as a mother as "other" people would often avoid the subject.
You have been through alot and life is cruel in the way that one day we can be laughing with bulging bellies only to wake from a nightmare with flat tummys and milk flowing...my heart goes out to you
Bec

Celeste there are so many things that I would have changed but we all make the best decisions we can at the time. You never think that anything like this can happen to you so you don't prepare yourself. As long as you include Thomas and tell your son about his little brother and one day he will understand that his brother isn't coming home, but that he will always have an angel watching over and protecting him :hug:

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. This forum eases a little bit of our grief. xx

I am so sorry to hear about your son Thomas, it must be so hard to be constantly confronted by other peoples babies :hug:

You have come to the right place for support, the ladies here are wonderful and will help you get through the very dark days that just keep appearing.

Look after yourself and your DH.