Need help to move on and not be critisied

I feel pregnant when I was 18. I miscarried at 9 weeks and was devasted. My partner and my family supported me and I was grateful. Although my parents were angry they supported me. I fell pregnant again and found out on my parnters birthday. We were both very happy but kept it a secret. I had an ultrasound which showed up as twins but i had lost one. I was sad but grateful that i still had my baby. I ended up telling my mum and little did i know what me and my partner had gotten into. I have a rare kidney disease which may affect my baby a 1 in 4 chance. So I planned to have a CVS which can determone wheather my baby had my disease, which was then sent to Belgium. The doctors screwed everything up. They told us one day that the sample was sent and to wait two weeks but when two weeks came they said they hadnt sent it at all. My partner and i decided that if baby was sick we couldn't keep it, even thought I was against terminations, but i didnt not ever want to put anyone threw what i have been through with this illness, if only i was so blind from the start none of this would have happened. but if he was healthy than to obviously raise and care for him. At the CVS my partner held my hand as a needle peirced my placenta and took DNA. My mother saw my baby for the first time and so did my parnter. Watching him kick and punch was the happiest day of my life. Even seeing his big head made me laughing pointing to my partner big moari head. They told us the results would be back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks turned into another 2 weeks till I found out when I was 3 months pregnant. The doctor rang me and told me the news. For 3 months i couldn't buy anything for my boy which i found out at a previous ultrasound. For 3 months i stressed every day only being able to turn to my mum and partner which sometimes just wasn't enough. My belly was massive and i stopped socialising in case people would notice. SO there i was laying on the couch in my mums arms bawling my heart and soul out. Knowing what I had to do next. The hospital rang and said for me to come in the next week and deliver my baby. I was horrified. I couldn't do it. My mind was racing. "I can look after a sick child i have all the support" to "you know whhat he will go through think of the life he'll live." I made the decisions to teminate the baby. I packed my bags and headed to Sydney. For two days I went through the pain of loosing my unborn baby and knowing that I will never feel my big lump again with my little boy. My partner came down with my along with my parents. I sat in the clinac and watched the people pass by. A young girl with her dad, a young couple and a lady by herself. And there i was bawling puffed eyes with a big belly. I wish people just knew my story sometimes. To make matters worse i asked for an ultra sound before the termination when i woke up it was a mess. it wasnt my beautiful bub i saw on the screen, the nurse had told me that there was no detectable heartbeat which i found devastin but now that i think of it i think my little brayden knew what was going to happen and left, i dont know i like to think that happened and not when he left. I woke up and felt so empty, so helpless and so lost. I packed my bags and left to go home. I stayed in bed for days i cant even remember. It's been 4 months since I lost Brayden and still havnt seeked closure. Im scared to seek help and cry often when I think or see babys. I keep a box with his blanket and ultrasounds pictures and regualry view it. Can someone please help me, I don't know what to do. My partners moved on and I don't want to seek help from my parents because i know ive put them through alot. I am now 19 and approaching due date 11th Jan 2008. Help on moving on and how to cope with this day would be a lot of help. Just because I am 19 doesn't mean anything, i still feel the pain every day and a lot of people have said you have your whole life again of you, which is true but the fact is i lost a special life a few and i will always see myself as a mum deep inside.

I hope you can find some closure soon, good luck :goodluck:

firstly emma - i want to send you a massive hug - losing a child is traumatic in any circumstances, but yours were terrible in that you were forced to make such a tough decision

i can't tell you when you'll be ready to move on - it's something only you will know. there are other lovely ladies on BB who will surely drop in and offer you more advice, but the one thing that sprang to my mind when reading your post is that perhaps you need to speak to someone other than your family. your partner and your parents have been there through all of this - i think speaking to someone who wasn't involved (counsellor), so that you can pour your whole story out and seek their advice on coping mechanisms would be a huge help.

take care hun

Hi there i am so sorry to hear what you have been through and your sad loss, why is life so hard?. Men do move on fast then us, just take one day at a time, sending you a big hug , we are here for you if you need to talk.

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Hi there i am so sorry to hear what you have been through and your sad loss, why is life so hard?. Men do move on fast then us, just take one day at a time, sending you a big hug , we are here for you if you need to talk.

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Thankyou very much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I'm glad I found this site a few people have replied in only a matter of minutes. Yes life is hard, but I'm trying. Any ideas what I should do for his due date, to remember him.

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firstly emma - i want to send you a massive hug - losing a child is traumatic in any circumstances, but yours were terrible in that you were forced to make such a tough decision

i can't tell you when you'll be ready to move on - it's something only you will know. there are other lovely ladies on BB who will surely drop in and offer you more advice, but the one thing that sprang to my mind when reading your post is that perhaps you need to speak to someone other than your family. your partner and your parents have been there through all of this - i think speaking to someone who wasn't involved (counsellor), so that you can pour your whole story out and seek their advice on coping mechanisms would be a huge help.

take care hun

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Thankyou! This means alot. It's been hard but I'm pushing on I just need some support because every one has moved on but me. I have seeked helped but because I wasn't "suicidal" i wasn't as important to be be at the top of the list.

i just added a bit more to my story. this is my 1st thread so its abit all over the place. thanks

Big hugs Emma. I am sorry that you have been through so much. I haven't experienced a loss like that so I can't give you much advice. But you sound like a very sensible, together person so I am sure you will get through this and go on to have a happy life, and hopefully more children. Take care.

Hi there....
My heart broke reading your story. I'm 26 and there is no way in the world I wouldve been able to be as strong as you have been in this situation. I havent been where you are, but thought I'd send you some love and support.
Perhaps you could find a counsellor or a support group in your area which could help you to deal with the emotions. It might help just to have that sounding board there and to talk about it with someone. And when you are ready to try again- whenever that may be- seek the help of a genetic counsellor or specialist early. No one can tell you when to move on- that is something only you know. Take care and take the time to remember your little one.

Perhaps you could plant a tree in memory of your little one. Or you could name a star. On the day itself I'd recommend keeping as busy as possible. On my first EDD this year I planned to take the day off as I thought I'd be a mess, but I was unable to due to work commitments and I found keeping busy really helped me. I did find however the next day I was very emotional, so just be warned that it might not even hit you on the exact day. Good luck with getting through your difficult day.

I have a rose in memorie of my last little angle or even a soft toy, it will be are sad day but you are strong and it is ok to cry, maybe a pamper day for you , get you hair done.sending you big hug.

I am so sorry for your loss and what you have been through. It is such a long and heartbreaking journey being a grieving mother. Men and women grieve differently. It doesn't mean that they don't love or care or miss their baby, they just cope differently. Different things set their emotions off and they grieve in their own time...........I think it is because society expects the men to be strong and supportive but sometimes they need supporting too. If you don't think that you can talk to your partner perhaps seek a counsellor. Contact your local SIDS as they will be able to help.

On your EDD perhaps write a letter telling Brayden of all the hopes and dreams you had for him and keep it in a memory box. Light a candle, plant a tree, release some balloons, buy a teddy.

Take care, big hugs :hug:

Hi Emma

I am so sorry that you have had such a hard time. Your words speak of your love for Brayden, and your mothering ability in that you wanted to protect your son from any pain.

If you want to talk to a professional, a genetic counsellor might be a good person to talk to. They would have experience with talking to women who have had similar experiences, and may be able to put you in touch with other supports. I'm not sure what state you are in, but you should be able to contact your local genetics department (Women's hospital) to find one near you.

Take care,

Kate

Emma,

:hug:Big Hugs to you babe, i am at a loss as to what to say, i think you have been through so much and i really feel for you. Your son Brayden will always hold a special place in your heart xoxox

It is very hard sometimes to find support from people who havent experienced something similar to you, that is why i have found Belly Belly to be my Life Saving Place of solace and comfort, as you have already found out alot of ladies here have had similar experiences- (not exactly the same) and can understand your pain and loss.

I would also recomend some of the things that Lynn suggested for Braydens Due Date, i am a fanatic canle lighter- i buy special candles each year on my Angels Due dates and Angelversaries, i have also got them each a special Christmas Candle which DH and I light each night in the lead up to this "festive" season....

For my son Darrens first due date i sent all my family and close friends a little note asking for them to please light a candle in his honor on his Due date, i dont send them every year- some family (well only my mum) will still light one each year with out being asked, but others have since i guess forgotten- but i did it as a way to show them that to me my little boy wasnt just something that "happened" to me, he was a little life that was sadly lost.

Also a teddy to add to your collection of memories or to even put out on a shelf somewhere for you to look at and remember him by is a nice gesture too.

I didnt want to dwell on how young you are because i dont beleive that age plays too much of a part in how we deal with certain things, and i am sure with living with your illness you are probably considered "wise and older" than your age by the things you have already been through, but i just wanted to say that i think you have done well coping as you have (even if it hasnt felt like it to you) and as i tend to recomend to people in this situation- (i think someone suggested it to me when i arrived here, just passing on wisdom....)

is to CRy when you feel like Crying, Scream when you feel like Screaming and laugh when you feel like laughing (its ok to be happy sometimes too) Try not to bottle things up coz if you are anything like me, it just makes things worse!!! You have every right on this earth to grieve and you need to feel this pain to eventually learn to live with it.

More big hugs hun!!

Take Care
StarBright
xoxoxoxxo

Emma, BellyBelly has a termination support forum which is private, and only accessible to approved members. If you are interested in this and feel it would be beneficial, please email me at slyder@bellybelly.com.au and I can help you to start the ball rolling. :hug:

oh emma i dont know you but you are in my thoughts and prayers its big honey take your time cry think spend quiet time alone and loving time with your friends and family ,as everyone has already said "moving on" is up to you i cant say when t will happen for you angel baby's due dates are hard and personal i have 2 tiny star tattoos so i feel that they are always with me and i bought myself a charm bracelet adding two charms to represent them:( if you want to talk to someone feel free to add me to msn i will pass on contact details
SANDS also have support services availabale in most states if you need or want it
(((huge hugs)))

oh god. im sitting in a bunch of tears. thankyou everyone who has left me comments. your ideas are amazing and your support you will probly never know what youreplys mean to me so im telling you thankyou. im finding this easy to talk about. i'll let everyone know how EDD goes. xxx.:redface:

thankyou guys. im sitting in a pool of tears but it is so good to have support and know im not the only one. merry christmas. you have helped alot.

Hi just posting again. i have left my boyfriend because i just cant cope anymore. I asked if we could do something special for 11th Jan (EDD) and he asked what for? I said EDD and he said why would you want to do something. So that there was a breaking point for me. I have turned to my mother for help and support and am now seeking help. For my lil boys "remberance day" as my mum likes to call it I am heading off to Sydney for the day by myself. I'm going to wear no mascara and feel what i feel. I am going to set some balloons off (thanks lyn) and write a letter to him. My mother is buying me a pandora charm braclet and i'm going to buy a lil B which stands for a will honour my Baby Boy Brayden. I'll let you know how it goes. x

i just wanted to give you a massive big hug Emma you sound like a very courageous woman you've been through so much so i wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts

Hi Emma

I love the balloon idea. I lost a childhood friend, and took a big bunch of helium balloons to her funeral, and still like to release one on each anniversary date.

I'm glad you have your mum for support. Will be thinking of you on Jan 11.

Take care,

Kate

Hi Emma. I have found my local SIDS and Kids to be amazing. They offer free counselling and support groups for people who have lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth and SIDS. I would suggest you call them and if they are in your area they could send a counsellor around to your house to talk to you.

We had a woman come and see DH and I, and she was amazing. She just let us talk and occasionally asked questions. She gave me an outfit that would fit a 20 week gestation baby, which is beautiful. These are made by woman who has generally lost babies as well. I am also going to attend the support groups.

I hope you find the help you need.

emma - I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad your mom is getting you a bracelet and "remembrance day" is a wonderful idea. Big hugs

Emma, I'm sorry that your boyfriend has not been supportive but I'm glad that you have your mum. It sounds like you have planned some beautiful things to do for Brayden on his remembrance day. Jewellery is a beautiful way to remember your angel. I had a pendant made which is a star with Cooper's name across it. Will be thinking of you on the 11 January :hug:

I am so sorry for what you are going through Emma, I hope you find lots of support and you have people around you to give you the strength you need to get through the days :hug:

Hi Emma - I have read your post and could not pass by without replying.
I am terribly sorry for all 3 of yoru losses. May your litle angels always watch over you form heaven.
I have too had a termination when I was 19, and also have broken up with my partner at that That time ? I just could not handle being next to him. I hated him with all my heart for not wanting our baby. And also hated when people told me of my age. Things like that hit you even harder when you are young, because you are no experienced enough to cope with them. It has taken me almost 3 years to get over the loss and the guilt until I fell pregnant again. I was on top of the world, until mu bub has passed at 11.5 weeks, which has made it absolutely unbearable ever since. We have also almost split up with my (ex) partner, mostly because of me not coping and him not understanding, and him not coping with me. It has been almost 4 months and I?m still suffering. There are some days, when I think that I have moved, and many times, when I wish I will never wake up in the morning, but I am hoping it will pass. We still have many years ahead of us and many more chances to make perfectly healthy babies. Thinking of you
xoxoxo

emma- i am so sorry for your loss of Brayden. i have no words to make your pain go away, no matter how much i wish i did. you have made difficult choices to the best of your ability, and of course they are the right choices. no one else can know your circumstances. we all do the best we can at the time we are presented with painful situations, and you are a strong lady. i know only too well that you probably don't feel strong, i even wanted to pop someone in the head for saying i was strong because i felt so horrible. but you are strong, and you can make it. this is such a painful journey, and it never ends. but perhaps it might become less painful someday. for now, please be good to yourself, find the support you need and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. i know that sounds silly, but the emotions of grief are so painful that it is tempting to run and deny them. allow yourself to feel them, and then perhaps you can get through some of them. you will always remember your Brayden, and love him because you are his mother. you have protected him the best way you know how, and he knows that too and loves you. i am so sorry you have not found support with your boyfriend, please seek it elsewhere -- your mom, a support group, here at bb, and/or a private counselor. all of these things can make the biggest differences when you are faced with the darkest days. big hugs to you, my dear, xxoom

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to me.

Emma - huge hugs and best of well wishes for tomorrow. Sending you some strength to help you get through it.

Hi Emma

Hope your day in Sydney goes well tomorrow. Sending positive vibes to you that you are able to remember and honour your boys the way you want to and you end the day feeling energised and full of love.

take care,

Kate

Emma, hope you doing okay today, darling. Thinking of you xoxoxo