taking ex to court

How do I go about taking my daughter's father to court for me to get full custody? He has blatantly said that he'll just to haphazard parenting and will "do whatever it takes" to look after El. I can't handle this. It took me ages to get her into this routine and even now, she just WON"T go to sleep. Its breaking my heart.

I never wanted to go to court but if he's going to f*ck things up for me when I have custody again of a baby who'll probably be back on 2 hourly 100ml bottles and napping for random amounts at odd times of the day. That's what he does. He thinks its better to just do what she wants. And all the advice I have from other mums in my old mother's group, my mother, you all on BB and doctors all have said that routine is important and that structure is essential for development.

I can't handle this anymore. I love her with all my heart and I can't let her wellbeing get mucked up by her father.

Sorry hun, don't know anything about court for custody battles, but heres a big hug for you, hope its all over soon :)

:hug:

Catherine, I have been in a similar situation to yours.. These days, court is the last resort and mediation has to be used first..It is a new law that has come in..
The place that deals with all of this is at Strathpine and I can get the number for you to get the ball rolling. Basically if he ignores your attempts to sort this out he doesn't have a leg to stand on at all and it doesn't look good for him..
I can highly reccomend them and they provide all legal advice and councelling as well... Will dig the number out and pm you..

ETA Try not to get upset darl, as hard as it is.. He can't just expect to take her from you, it won't happen..
The service is free btw..

if you contact the Family Relationships Advice Line you'll be able to get a lot of advice and referrals to local assistance. As Nic mentioned, court is a last resort - the expectation is that you go through mediation to make parenting plans first - but if that is unsuccessful, court is a last resort - their number is 1800 050 321

the aim now is to make arrangements for custody that is in the best interests of the child - not the parents. it's not a case of "every second weekend" or anything like that now - it's doing what is most suitable for your child. being that you are in seperate states, there will have to be consideration for the age of your child and the emotional stability of her life if she's being moved from one parent to another with differing routines. when speaking to parenting advisors, make sure you mention your concerns for routines and things like that

if a mediation session is set up and he doesn't show or no result can be reached, you would be referred to court. if a parenting plan can be agreed upon, but you're not sure that he'll stick to it, you can have it sent before a judge to become a court order, so if he breaches it, it would cary the same penalties as breaching an order decided on by a judge in a court setting..

hth's - good luck with getting some stable plans in place for yourself and your little girl

We've already made parenting plans and custody agreements. But its the actual looking after El that worries me. He says he'll do things to work around her so she's not stressed. I do so much for her. I make homemade baby food, he has never. He'll take her for a "short" walk for more than an hour, not take a bottle or nappy and she'll be awake the whole time although she's tired and needs a nap. But because he doesn't cover the pram, she spends the whole time looking around and then is completely overtired, nappy rashed and hungry and of course that's when I have to look after her and then she fights me.

Catherine, try the family relationships number, they really are very helpful. I have used them. Have your parenting plans and custody agreements been ratified at court? if they haven't been they aren't worth the paper they are on. even if they have been , and you are not happy with what is going on you can apply to have them amended, and with more detail. as BG said you have to first go through mediation, and the childs interests are put first and foremost. hth... I know how hard it is when your child's father doesn't adhere to what is best for the child... have had to deal with that one constantly. hang in there hun :hugs:

the same happens to my son when he has seen his dad after 2 months of no contact, I have just got Dylan into routine of falling asleep in his cot rather than a walk in pram, patting for half hour or feeding him to sleep (I have had an unsettled year!) After 2 weeks of seeing his Dad almost everyday his routine is buggered, he went 3 days without any day naps and at night had to be patted, he was so tired... Anyway back to the controlled crying. If I try to talk to the ex about routine things he just says shut up, stop bossing me...
I have to go to meditation with him. But ring the legal aid line for free legal advice to see what the likely outcome will be. I really empathise with the situation. Speak to you soon Vicky

Hi mummycate

It must be very difficult for you but if it's any consolation I'm sure most of us on here would say our DHs left to their own devices do things differently. I know mine gives Katrina a bottle at the drop of a hat because he thinks every cry means she's hungry whereas sometimes she's just bored. He could also quite easily give her 100ml bottles every two hours but I would rather he did that than refuse to look after her IYKWIM. Anyhow, what I'm saying is that unless you think your XP is neglecting your daughter, I don't think court is the way to go. Try to find some common ground. If sleep is an issue then it's no wonder you're feeling upset and angry. But best to get some mediation.

It is likely that you and your XP will always have slightly different parenting styles - I've heard that's OK even with older children - they understand that at mum's house these are the rules and at dad's they're slightly different.

By the way, I don't think routine set by the clock is important. What I do think is important is learning to read your baby's hungry signs and sleepy signs. Normally, they naturally fall into a routine and start being hungry and sleepy at the same time each day but if not and as long as the baby seems reasonably happy (ie non-grizzly) then I think it's far easier to go with the flow. Sorry, this might not be your situation but I think we get too hung up on routines so please don't feel stressed if your baby doesn't seem to be following the clock yet. Sometimes mine has a long sleep in the morning, sometimes she has one in the afternoon. Sometimes she has 3.5 bottles a day; other times 4 bottles etc. etc. Sometimes she goes to bed at 6pm; other times at 8.30pm. I would exhaust myself if I tried to get her to go to sleep at the same time each night.

Anyhow, I wish you all the best - things normally come good in the end so keep the faith - you're doing a great job!!!

Hugs Darl, I hope everything works out for the best!
You've been given some great advice from these fine ladies! I have nothing more to add :D
Take Care

Cate, i've been through all that custody/papers/lawyers/fighting cr@p so talk to me about it any time.

Basically as its been said it doesn't go through a court anymore unless every other option is exhausted.
Secondly, unfortunatley, there isn't much you can really do about what happens in the fathers contact times. You can ask for things to be done a certain way but there is nothing to force them to do it your way. I had issues with my ex's partner, who was just simply a nasty person. When I spoke to my lawyer I was told I had no say in who are around DD when she is in her fathers care, and that unless there was some form of abuse happening I had to put up with this person upsetting my child and saying awful things about me to DD.
The last thing is that the laywers and courts believe it is in the childs best interest to see their father regually except in exteme cases. They don't care about the 'petty' little stuff that as a mother we see as big issues. They believe kids adapt to the changes and to the different parenting.

Sorry that this was a pretty negative reply, i'm just going by what I have seen personally and with my closest friends that have all been through the same system.

The best thing to do is contact a family laywer and get some advice.

It's sad that fathers and/or mothers bad mouth each other in front of their children... it's just not right. And another thing that bothers me is Fathers that only want custody to get at the mothers, thats not in the best interest of the child.

Cate, in one sense you are lucky that with Terry, he wants to see his daughter and although his parenting ways are different and he believes to do things by demand, he loves her and wants to see her, not just get at you. I'm sure all will work out and you guys can come to an agreeable plan, but unfortunately like the others said I think you are going to have to grit your teeth over her routine.

Big Hugs

Terry is the sort of person I can't rely on. He'd say things like, I'll be back in 20 minutes and be back in 45. He never has his phone with him when out, his reasoning, oh the battery is playing up. Well get a new phone then! I did! He just is so much different to a normal person. He's becoming very green, and in a difficult way. I mean, he doesn't shower but uses a wet washer every day to wash himself, he saves every drop of water (I have no problem with that) but then there are buckets everywhere, he's a vegetarian and would probably not give El any meat, he works late at night and has said, I'll quit those shifts and work in a hospital 1-2 days a week AND HASN'T DONE THAT. So I cannot rely on him. When we were together he said that he could take El to uni with him. I asked if he was certain it was ok and he said, I'm sure its fine. NO. Not I'm SURE, I want certainty. Because I don't want him to have to leave the lecture and go home and miss uni, and I don't want El mucked around. He delivers newspapers each week and he takes El with him in the backpack carrier. She does enjoy it but she doesn't get to nap well that day. Her naps would only be 30 mins and 3-4 a day because he'd pick her up as soon as she made a sound. I'd leave her to see if she settles herself back down, and that way she gets 2 naps of at least one hour each. He has not read anything on parenting or talked to other parents about stuff. I can understand how bending around her needs is good, but only if you never leave the house. I can't do things that way, which is why I took her with me when I came to Brisbane, rather than let her go with him to VIC for Christmas with his family, as was the plan. Because I needed to fix things up with her, as he mucked up her whole routine in just 3 weeks.

I seem so bitter, but its more frustration and sadness.

My routine is not rigid, but its just more timing. She should nap 2-3 hours after waking, and nap twice a day for hopefully 2-3 hours total. If she won't nap then I just have to let her play. I put her down when she's tired or if she's been awake for 4 hours straight. If she won't nap after 1 hour of settling, I get her up. Its not rigid, but I try to get her to sleep by 8pm so she gets enough. This just means I have to start settling her before 7pm. I think the teething is mucking up her sleep, but she's not got any tooth bumps. So I can't be sure if its teething. I think perhaps she has the chickenpox. Taking her to Dr today. Thanks Fiona, every little bit of advice helps.

Hugs Darling. Big big hugs.

One thing I would suggest is start to keep a diary of things that are happening just incase this does end up having to go to court that way you have some evidence to support your arguments (especially if you're this worried about how he is with her).

She's been doing really well last 3 days. Napping much more easily.

Hi Catherine, Glad Elouise is doing well hun.

Mellybubz suggested keeping a diary. This is a really good idea, as it actually documents times and dates when there have been issues.

Its hard dealing with an ex, it can be so emotive and draining. Just try to remember that it takes to people to have an arguement, so try not to engage with him in argument. State what you would like to happen, and try not to respond to whatever he comes back with. Its hard, I know, and its taken me 5.5 years to finally figure this one out for myself. Save yourself some stress, and start practicing now. :hug:

I seen legal aid for some advice this morning. They've advised me its better to keep it out of court, as court orders are set in stone. I just bloody hope Terry talks with me so we can work this out.

He threw me out of his house yesterday and I went to the police station and they said wait an hour and go back and talk to him and they said to him to let me in. So I had my mate come for moral support and his mum and her friend were there too. So we were talking and get this, he said, "let's make a time limit for talking about this. 10 or 15 minutes?" I responded with "No Terry we're not setting a time limit. We'll just talk". I can't believe he does this! He wants timetables for everything but when I've made one for Elouise, going from what she does generally each day, he said he won't follow it. I'm so depressed. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to do all this.

mummycate, when is the little one when he does te night shifts? This sounds like a worry to me.
Also, you havementioned you are in different states - how far? And if you dont mind, what are your arrangements?

I know she is only little now, but the cost of having to fly backward and forward will probably have him stop coming to get her so often in future - ir might just be to get back at you just now.
A friend of mine's X moved about 3 hours away when they broke up, now he has her for at least half of all school holidays - so it doesnt affect her routine.
How are you supposed to get yourself and bubs into a stable routine if it is quite haphazard as to when he has her?!

cate - i hope you can find a way to come to an agreement amicably. this may sound unlikely, but Terry might find after a while that routines work better for him anyway! it sounds at the moment like he's doing this to get to you, and maybe to give El the impression that he's the "good parent" that caters to her every whim - but it might be a case of him trying this for a while and realising that she a much better little girl when she arrives than she is when he is doing everything on demand.

good luck at getting through this - i hope for your sake (and even more for El) that you can keep this out of the courts

Brisbane and Sydney. He won't care how much it costs if she lives with him 50% of the time. He's being so pedantic and stubborn. He has someone babysit for him on his night shifts, perhaps his mum for as long as she's in Australia. But I don't know what he'll do when she's not here. He said heaps of times, "next year I won't be working those shifts" etc. But he hasn't told me otherwise. I had to go to Ryde today to go to the post office (which i didn't do as i wasn't going to be able to go home until one of my mates get home to let me in, so didn't want to carry a parcel around all day) and went by the house (had to, to get from station to bus stop) and no one was there. It was the time of his mediation but I expected El to be there being babysat. He probably took her with him, even though they told me to have her babysat for the appointment. He could have brought her to try and make them sympathetic to him. I don't know. He kept saying ages ago he has heaps of friends who can babysit. He probably took her over to his mum's friend's place (xmil is staying there).

this is all so overwhelming for me.

catherine, when it comes time for school, or even just preschool, shared care WILL NOT work with an interstate father! So myabe it will all settle down later, rather than sooner?
You poor thing. It kills me everytime DD is picked up by her dad, i know he is her dad and all but he just doesnt take care of her properly (no abuse, just lazy). He loves her with all his heart, i know that, but its like a stab in the gut each time she goes.
Big huge hugs, try to keep yourself strong and get as much advice as you can - especially on the whole interstate shared care thing.

I'm going to suggest through mediation that he move to Brisbane. We can both afford it there and she will be closer to both of us. And he has mentioned how easy it is to transfer uni (this was a while ago when there were no problems).

Oh cate! Deep breaths hunny, calm thoughts.

My DD has been living between me and XP since she was 4 months old. He too will not stick to routines or discipline her (i don't mean smack or anything, i mean prevent her from ripping books up!) or do anything which isn't what she wants. I too get a child back every monday which doesn't want to nap or behave herself and throws a huge fit when she hears the word no. BUT, it DOES get easier! When she was El's age it probably took until Thursday for her to be back in her routines (which was incredibly frustrating as she'd go off to her dad again on Friday night) but now it's more like Monday afternoon! SOmetimes she's fine as she's beggining to get now that muma and dada have different rules.

Please don't feel i'm attacking when i say this, because it's not a revalation that came easy to me either, but he's not WRONG about parenting. He has a different style to you, and that's annoying because it means your style is more difficult to implement but the same is true for him - he wants her to nap when she's tired but because you have a sleep routine she gets cranky when he doesn't stick to it. Would you drop your style and do it his way? NO, because you do it how you find it easier and better. But so does he.

Over time my XP has realised that some of my overbearing strictnesses, like changing her nappy as soon as she poops even if she's busy playing, or putting her to bed every night at the same time, or giving her breakfast as soon as i get her up and not 2 hours later when i have my own, actually works better and makes more sense. And slowly slowly he has come more over to my way of doing it, but he still has his own quirks. He still never ever disciplines her directly, he might swap what she is wrecking for something else but he never tells her not to do it. The other week DP asked her not to drag her baby bath out of the bathroom (i'd asked him to stop her) and she came running through to tell tales because a man has NEVER said "no" to her before! Obviously i told her sorry, but mumma agrees with DP, no playing with the bath!

I really sympathise as i've been there but finding a way through is the only realistic option unless he behaves in a way that is dangerous to El. My XP never made food for DD until she was fully eating normal adult foods (not even mashed up - he just bought jars), he simultaneously verbally beat me up over weaning off the breast and wasted EBM by forgetting to chill it because formula was easier for him to use.

I have had big struggles about it, but THIS is DD's family. There are lots of times when i wish i could just say "forget it, you can't have her, you muck everything up" but i can't. The differences between us which we couldn't work out to stay together we HAVE to work out to parent DD. She is ours. They always say you can't choose your family - XP is family now, a blood relative of yours through your beautiful DD and you are stuck with one another, you CAN make the best of it, i promise.

I educate XP as i go - every single time she comes back with nappy rash i SMS him and say "did she poop? Did you clean her really well? SHe has nappyrash..." and the next time he pays more attention. I told him again and again to give her her own room to sleep in at his and he refused again and again until eventually he tried it one night and discovered that it ISN'T normal for her to get up and want to play from 1am-3.30am! The things he doesn't get on board with i continue doing in my time and she knows how i want her to behave. She is less well-behaved for him, but it is his problem, not mine. All those weeks of insisting on a routine when she was difficult because he let her do what she wants were so worth it because she TRUSTS me now, she knows how reliable i am - even if he let her nap until 6pm i still put her to bed at 7pm. She knows i'll be here because i always am, mama is utterly reliable.

It is a difficult time just now, everything is in flux and your XP has not been patient or reasonable in his treatment of you, but things will get easier, you will find the strength you need, sometimes you will feel like you're squeaking through with nothing extra, but eventually you get to look back at and think "Hey, i did good here". Hang in there hunny. :hug:

Bx

Mediation went very badly. Terry and I could just not agree or come to a compromise about where Elouise will live. We couldn't even agree on which city to live in, Sydney or Brisbane. He had several factors that prevent him from moving to Brisbane and I have a huge financial concern about living in Sydney and he just had little things that added up but were not really much to concern himself with.

So his problems are:
I can't apply to transfer uni until November.
What's going to happen with the cats?
I have a support network here (Sydney).
My dad hasn't seen Elouise since she was 3 weeks old.
I don't think you can cope looking after Elouise.
My income is now only $250 a week as I had to cut back on work, so I can't afford to rent.

His positives are:
He lives with his parents so he has a roof over his head without having to do much for it.
My mother can help me out looking after Elouise.

My problems are:
My income is not that much, purely on welfare.
I will need to pay rent, electricity, water, gas, phone, internet, food, clothing, Elouise' other thingies and private health.
I also don't have a lot of support in Sydney.
I will have to work to earn enough money to pay all my bills, so then I will hardly see Elouise.
Sydney is one of the most expensive living cities in the world, ie income and expenses are almost the same. The rent is high, is rising and there's not much available and high demand.
He collects most of the water used in his house to put on garden/flush toilet. It sits stagnant and smells revolting. (On sunday I refused to go into the bathroom because of the stink).
He has a german roach problem, yet they have been removed because his mum got pest control in.
His parents will soon be renovating the house, making it 2 storey.

My positives are:
In Brisbane I can afford to be a SAHM.
I can afford my own place.
Elouise will not be bounced from home to home each day/week/month etc.
I will not need to rely on my parents or any of my friends or family from day to day.
I will live in a stable home.
I have been Elouise' main caregiver and I will continue to be.


So of course we could not agree. The mediator rang me a little while ago to say that she will make the certificate (that says we tried mediation) so I can take it to a lawyer. The legal advice I had gotten beforehand was actually wrong and was in fact the opposite of what I'm entitled to. The mediator was trying to hint to me that but she couldn't do more than that as she's meant to be impartial and not allowed to give legal advice. So I saw legal aid after mediation and the lawyer (different lady to Monday) said that I can get Elouise back now and can keep her until the courts have come to an agreement about where she is to be placed. Bear in mind that proceedings can take anywhere from 6 months to 18 months to reach a conclusion. So I'm going to fight for Elouise, becaus I feel its in her best interest to live in one home at least for the next year or so, and have a stable home life without financial struggle and constant upheaval and uprooting. The mediator told me on the phone this afternoon "I think you'd be pleasantly surprised" regarding the court proceedings.

So today I was completely distraught during mediation, about the things Terry was pulling out against me, and then I feel very confident about court.

Btw I see a solicitor tomorrow! The legal aid lawyer picked up the phone within 2 minutes of seeing me to refer me to a solicitor. She said I qualify for legal aid and that I'm very likely to "win". Ie that I'll at least get Elouise now until the whole matter is resolved in court. So with the first lawyer saying that if I move to Brisbane and take Elouise, Terry can file to have her returned to him as she'll be too far from her dad. Yet the second legal aid lawyer said that it doesn't matter and what matters is who is the main caregiver and who will be the majority caregiver in the future (both me).

So going rom a totally **** mediation to being confident in getting Elouise back, I feel pretty good now.

Thanks for reading this saga and for all of your support and advice.

Oh and he tells me that Ellie's rash is back. Thanks for telling me :rollseyes:. And yesterday she had 24 scoop of milk. Normally she has 3x4=12!!! "She was hungry, she's going through a growth spurt". I told him, offer her more water and more food, 3 meals and two snacks, because we're meant to wean her off the formula not increase it! And she was having a bottle every 3 hours! I can't believe it. I'm not saying I told you so, but I did mention that he'd have her back on snacking. I knew it would happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I bloody hope I get her back into routine. At least he is getting her to have 2x1.5hr naps and she is sleeping well.

Catherine

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. I've never been in your situation but I would think it's VERY unlikely that the courts would remove Elouise from you, even temporarily. I know family courts are moving more towards shared care but I would think the onus would be on your ex to move to Brisbane, not vice-versa. As I say, I have never dealt with the law on this topic but that's just what my gut and brain both tell me.

I once had a very wise boss whose attitude to situations like this (both at work and in personal lives) is to take each piece of your 'opponent's' argument and calmly and rationally pull it apart. I think this is what you're already doing so keep going with that. Once you have countered and crossed out each of his arguments, I'm sure you'll feel better.

Having said that, you're in the early stages of mediation and you're at very early days in co-parenting Elouise. Often things take a while to work out so don't lose hope that there is an amicable solution and take heart from Hoobley's very sound advice. If you find things that you CAN agree on, it's often much easier to then work through what you disagree on.

I haven't had time to read through all the posts so big apologies if this has already been covered, but is there any solution that you can come up with that you think deep down he would be relatively happy with?

We tried so hard to understand the other. I understand him and if need be I would move to Sydney, but I feel that I have to sacrifice so much and he doesn't but if that's what I have to do then I will do it. It will be a very hard struggle but to be the best mother I can be to my daughter, I will do it. But he doesn't seem to think that moving to Brisbane will help Elouise. He's shutting his eyes to reason and compromise. Which is not good.

Hi Catherine,
I'm sorry to hear that things didnt go too well. How is Elouise coping?. Also do you have any family in Brisbane?.
Mel.

Most of my family is in Brisbane and most of his are in Melbourne. But his "support network" in Sydney will be his parents when they return from Europe and his friends who he rarely sees and hardly ever calls. At least I'm not claiming I need to be with my friends and family. I need to live with my parents until I can afford my own place. And I guess I could afford Sydney its just going to take a really long time to find/get something. Which means I'm in limbo until then. He's really put me between a rock and a hard place. I saw the lawyer, she said I have a good chance of getting her but I could be forced to live close to Sydney or best case, in Sydney so terry has often access to Ellie. Which means I have to make all the effort and he does nothing. And to top it off my mother's father said some awful things to me in an email in response to my Christmas thankyou letter. So that really did not help my mood at all.

Catherine im so sorry it has came to this, I cant imagine what your going through ATM. I really hope it works out in your favour though for both you & El's sake.

I thought Terry was really nice etc, this is deff a side I didnt see. Have you tired talking to his mum?

BIG HUGS!
*sending you strength* to get through this

Take Care

I'm afraid to talk to his mum. I really feel it would make things worse.

If he won't move to Brisbane the only workable solution I can think of is that he (or his parents) subsidises the difference in rent between what you would pay in Brisbane and what you would pay in Sydney ESPECIALLY if he will be living rent-free.

Also, what's the deal with child support - I know he's going to uni but presumably he will still need to contribute to Elouise's upkeep?

Look, your "case" is sound, fair and reasonable. Who cares what he thinks, only worry about what the court will...


hugs for the meantime ooooox

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, so stressful I know. Do you have any orders in place which say you can live in QLD? Living on welfare is hard but I manage, and with a young baby, it is difficult to work and you are not always better off financially as a single mother.
Brisbane is definetly a better option as you have a bigger support network, I hope he can manage to transfer, maybe you could agree that you will fly down every month for a long weekend, split the cost of fares until November.
Renting is much more expensive in Sydney, I am paying 195 a week in clayfield for a tiny unit but you wouldn't get anything like that there.
My lease expires in october so I will be looking for a single mum to share a house then..... get a much bigger and better place.
Sounds like you have a good lawyer, what would happen if you just went to Brisbane?
Good luck, I hope this week goes well for you
Vicky

Also what are his plans for after he finishes uni, is he going to stay in Sydney, what if he moves to Melbourne will you have to move there too? It sounds like you are the only one can give your daughter a stable environment at the moment, even if you are living with family, you will get on your feet. Hope everything goes your way.

Actually now thinking about it, talking to his mum could make things worse.

Lulu is right hun!

Hi Mummycate...
was just scrolling through and wondering how things are going...
Mellybubz.