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Thread: taking ex to court

  1. #1
    mummycate Guest

    Angry taking ex to court

    How do I go about taking my daughter's father to court for me to get full custody? He has blatantly said that he'll just to haphazard parenting and will "do whatever it takes" to look after El. I can't handle this. It took me ages to get her into this routine and even now, she just WON"T go to sleep. Its breaking my heart.

    I never wanted to go to court but if he's going to f*ck things up for me when I have custody again of a baby who'll probably be back on 2 hourly 100ml bottles and napping for random amounts at odd times of the day. That's what he does. He thinks its better to just do what she wants. And all the advice I have from other mums in my old mother's group, my mother, you all on BB and doctors all have said that routine is important and that structure is essential for development.



    I can't handle this anymore. I love her with all my heart and I can't let her wellbeing get mucked up by her father.

  2. #2

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    Sorry hun, don't know anything about court for custody battles, but heres a big hug for you, hope its all over soon


  3. #3

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    Catherine, I have been in a similar situation to yours.. These days, court is the last resort and mediation has to be used first..It is a new law that has come in..
    The place that deals with all of this is at Strathpine and I can get the number for you to get the ball rolling. Basically if he ignores your attempts to sort this out he doesn't have a leg to stand on at all and it doesn't look good for him..
    I can highly reccomend them and they provide all legal advice and councelling as well... Will dig the number out and pm you..

    ETA Try not to get upset darl, as hard as it is.. He can't just expect to take her from you, it won't happen..
    The service is free btw..
    Last edited by Nicambhar; January 1st, 2008 at 07:45 PM. Reason: add to post

  4. #4

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    if you contact the Family Relationships Advice Line you'll be able to get a lot of advice and referrals to local assistance. As Nic mentioned, court is a last resort - the expectation is that you go through mediation to make parenting plans first - but if that is unsuccessful, court is a last resort - their number is 1800 050 321

    the aim now is to make arrangements for custody that is in the best interests of the child - not the parents. it's not a case of "every second weekend" or anything like that now - it's doing what is most suitable for your child. being that you are in seperate states, there will have to be consideration for the age of your child and the emotional stability of her life if she's being moved from one parent to another with differing routines. when speaking to parenting advisors, make sure you mention your concerns for routines and things like that

    if a mediation session is set up and he doesn't show or no result can be reached, you would be referred to court. if a parenting plan can be agreed upon, but you're not sure that he'll stick to it, you can have it sent before a judge to become a court order, so if he breaches it, it would cary the same penalties as breaching an order decided on by a judge in a court setting..

    hth's - good luck with getting some stable plans in place for yourself and your little girl

  5. #5
    mummycate Guest

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    We've already made parenting plans and custody agreements. But its the actual looking after El that worries me. He says he'll do things to work around her so she's not stressed. I do so much for her. I make homemade baby food, he has never. He'll take her for a "short" walk for more than an hour, not take a bottle or nappy and she'll be awake the whole time although she's tired and needs a nap. But because he doesn't cover the pram, she spends the whole time looking around and then is completely overtired, nappy rashed and hungry and of course that's when I have to look after her and then she fights me.

  6. #6

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    Catherine, try the family relationships number, they really are very helpful. I have used them. Have your parenting plans and custody agreements been ratified at court? if they haven't been they aren't worth the paper they are on. even if they have been , and you are not happy with what is going on you can apply to have them amended, and with more detail. as BG said you have to first go through mediation, and the childs interests are put first and foremost. hth... I know how hard it is when your child's father doesn't adhere to what is best for the child... have had to deal with that one constantly. hang in there hun :hugs:

  7. #7

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    the same happens to my son when he has seen his dad after 2 months of no contact, I have just got Dylan into routine of falling asleep in his cot rather than a walk in pram, patting for half hour or feeding him to sleep (I have had an unsettled year!) After 2 weeks of seeing his Dad almost everyday his routine is buggered, he went 3 days without any day naps and at night had to be patted, he was so tired... Anyway back to the controlled crying. If I try to talk to the ex about routine things he just says shut up, stop bossing me...
    I have to go to meditation with him. But ring the legal aid line for free legal advice to see what the likely outcome will be. I really empathise with the situation. Speak to you soon Vicky

  8. #8

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    Hi mummycate

    It must be very difficult for you but if it's any consolation I'm sure most of us on here would say our DHs left to their own devices do things differently. I know mine gives Katrina a bottle at the drop of a hat because he thinks every cry means she's hungry whereas sometimes she's just bored. He could also quite easily give her 100ml bottles every two hours but I would rather he did that than refuse to look after her IYKWIM. Anyhow, what I'm saying is that unless you think your XP is neglecting your daughter, I don't think court is the way to go. Try to find some common ground. If sleep is an issue then it's no wonder you're feeling upset and angry. But best to get some mediation.

    It is likely that you and your XP will always have slightly different parenting styles - I've heard that's OK even with older children - they understand that at mum's house these are the rules and at dad's they're slightly different.

    By the way, I don't think routine set by the clock is important. What I do think is important is learning to read your baby's hungry signs and sleepy signs. Normally, they naturally fall into a routine and start being hungry and sleepy at the same time each day but if not and as long as the baby seems reasonably happy (ie non-grizzly) then I think it's far easier to go with the flow. Sorry, this might not be your situation but I think we get too hung up on routines so please don't feel stressed if your baby doesn't seem to be following the clock yet. Sometimes mine has a long sleep in the morning, sometimes she has one in the afternoon. Sometimes she has 3.5 bottles a day; other times 4 bottles etc. etc. Sometimes she goes to bed at 6pm; other times at 8.30pm. I would exhaust myself if I tried to get her to go to sleep at the same time each night.

    Anyhow, I wish you all the best - things normally come good in the end so keep the faith - you're doing a great job!!!

  9. #9

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    Hugs Darl, I hope everything works out for the best!
    You've been given some great advice from these fine ladies! I have nothing more to add
    Take Care

  10. #10

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    Cate, i've been through all that custody/papers/lawyers/fighting [email protected] so talk to me about it any time.

    Basically as its been said it doesn't go through a court anymore unless every other option is exhausted.
    Secondly, unfortunatley, there isn't much you can really do about what happens in the fathers contact times. You can ask for things to be done a certain way but there is nothing to force them to do it your way. I had issues with my ex's partner, who was just simply a nasty person. When I spoke to my lawyer I was told I had no say in who are around DD when she is in her fathers care, and that unless there was some form of abuse happening I had to put up with this person upsetting my child and saying awful things about me to DD.
    The last thing is that the laywers and courts believe it is in the childs best interest to see their father regually except in exteme cases. They don't care about the 'petty' little stuff that as a mother we see as big issues. They believe kids adapt to the changes and to the different parenting.

    Sorry that this was a pretty negative reply, i'm just going by what I have seen personally and with my closest friends that have all been through the same system.

    The best thing to do is contact a family laywer and get some advice.

  11. #11

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    It's sad that fathers and/or mothers bad mouth each other in front of their children... it's just not right. And another thing that bothers me is Fathers that only want custody to get at the mothers, thats not in the best interest of the child.

    Cate, in one sense you are lucky that with Terry, he wants to see his daughter and although his parenting ways are different and he believes to do things by demand, he loves her and wants to see her, not just get at you. I'm sure all will work out and you guys can come to an agreeable plan, but unfortunately like the others said I think you are going to have to grit your teeth over her routine.

    Big Hugs

  12. #12
    mummycate Guest

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    Terry is the sort of person I can't rely on. He'd say things like, I'll be back in 20 minutes and be back in 45. He never has his phone with him when out, his reasoning, oh the battery is playing up. Well get a new phone then! I did! He just is so much different to a normal person. He's becoming very green, and in a difficult way. I mean, he doesn't shower but uses a wet washer every day to wash himself, he saves every drop of water (I have no problem with that) but then there are buckets everywhere, he's a vegetarian and would probably not give El any meat, he works late at night and has said, I'll quit those shifts and work in a hospital 1-2 days a week AND HASN'T DONE THAT. So I cannot rely on him. When we were together he said that he could take El to uni with him. I asked if he was certain it was ok and he said, I'm sure its fine. NO. Not I'm SURE, I want certainty. Because I don't want him to have to leave the lecture and go home and miss uni, and I don't want El mucked around. He delivers newspapers each week and he takes El with him in the backpack carrier. She does enjoy it but she doesn't get to nap well that day. Her naps would only be 30 mins and 3-4 a day because he'd pick her up as soon as she made a sound. I'd leave her to see if she settles herself back down, and that way she gets 2 naps of at least one hour each. He has not read anything on parenting or talked to other parents about stuff. I can understand how bending around her needs is good, but only if you never leave the house. I can't do things that way, which is why I took her with me when I came to Brisbane, rather than let her go with him to VIC for Christmas with his family, as was the plan. Because I needed to fix things up with her, as he mucked up her whole routine in just 3 weeks.

    I seem so bitter, but its more frustration and sadness.

  13. #13
    mummycate Guest

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    My routine is not rigid, but its just more timing. She should nap 2-3 hours after waking, and nap twice a day for hopefully 2-3 hours total. If she won't nap then I just have to let her play. I put her down when she's tired or if she's been awake for 4 hours straight. If she won't nap after 1 hour of settling, I get her up. Its not rigid, but I try to get her to sleep by 8pm so she gets enough. This just means I have to start settling her before 7pm. I think the teething is mucking up her sleep, but she's not got any tooth bumps. So I can't be sure if its teething. I think perhaps she has the chickenpox. Taking her to Dr today. Thanks Fiona, every little bit of advice helps.

  14. #14

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    Hugs Darling. Big big hugs.

  15. #15

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    One thing I would suggest is start to keep a diary of things that are happening just incase this does end up having to go to court that way you have some evidence to support your arguments (especially if you're this worried about how he is with her).

  16. #16
    mummycate Guest

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    She's been doing really well last 3 days. Napping much more easily.

  17. #17

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    Hi Catherine, Glad Elouise is doing well hun.

    Mellybubz suggested keeping a diary. This is a really good idea, as it actually documents times and dates when there have been issues.

    Its hard dealing with an ex, it can be so emotive and draining. Just try to remember that it takes to people to have an arguement, so try not to engage with him in argument. State what you would like to happen, and try not to respond to whatever he comes back with. Its hard, I know, and its taken me 5.5 years to finally figure this one out for myself. Save yourself some stress, and start practicing now.

  18. #18
    mummycate Guest

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    I seen legal aid for some advice this morning. They've advised me its better to keep it out of court, as court orders are set in stone. I just bloody hope Terry talks with me so we can work this out.

    He threw me out of his house yesterday and I went to the police station and they said wait an hour and go back and talk to him and they said to him to let me in. So I had my mate come for moral support and his mum and her friend were there too. So we were talking and get this, he said, "let's make a time limit for talking about this. 10 or 15 minutes?" I responded with "No Terry we're not setting a time limit. We'll just talk". I can't believe he does this! He wants timetables for everything but when I've made one for Elouise, going from what she does generally each day, he said he won't follow it. I'm so depressed. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to do all this.

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