not sure how to cope...

In November of last year I became pregnant for the first time. A week before I was able to take a HPT, I already knew I was pregnant. When we got the first positive (very light), we tried not to get too excited. A couple days later I took another test and it was positive again. I couldn't believe it. When I went in for my first u/s, I saw my little baby, jelly bean, at 6w4d, a little hb and all. Everything seemed great, blood tests all came back perfect (except I'm rh neg). One night after intercourse, I spotted a little. Doctor said it was fine and normal. Then a couple days later I spotted brown, which was "old blood from the first spotting". Then a week later I had pink spotting and I decided I had to go in no matter what they said. I was so nervous. I couldn't stop shaking and I was crying off and on while waiting 40 minutes for the doctor to come in. He said there was some blood at my cervix, but didn't seem worried. When I saw the ultrasound screen, it felt great to see my baby bigger. Then I noticed there wasn't a hb. I asked him, "aren't you supposed to see a heartbeat?". He said yes. I turned my head, covered my face, and broke down. He continued to try to find a hb for another 5 minutes. He then told me the baby was only at 7w5d when it should've been closer to 9w. I tried so hard not to cry and ask as many questions as I could, but the hurt was so severe. Telling my fiance was the hardest conversation. I wanted to be strong for him, but saying the words sent me into a complete breakdown. He came home and we cried together. I opted for medication to "assist" my body pass the miscarriage, which was the most painful 6 hours I've had to deal with. I'm still not sure if it was from the miscarriage or the medication. I still have light cramping and bleeding and I'm just emotionally empty. I feel like I've lost my direction. I was pregnant and I someone to care for and a reason to take care of myself. My fiance and I are dealing with it different as well, and it's hard not to feel alone. At first I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, but now that I do, I don't know how to bring it up. I know other people feel uncomfortable talking about it as well. I'm also nervous talking about it because I've been offended by some people's responses, "at least you didn't have time to get attached", "everything happens for a reason", "you're still young", and it just makes me more upset. I have a wedding to plan, but I can't focus on anything right now. I'm still so numb. I know my baby's still with me, but in my heart instead of my belly. :angel2: I'm sorry for being so long and I'm sure most of this rambling probably doesn't make much sense, but I need a place to relieve some of this grief. I find the only relief I have is when I'm online reading about miscarriage so I don't feel so alone. It's also helping me come to terms with some of my emotions. I just hate this feeling and wish my baby was still growing healthy with me.

:hugs:

I'm so sorry for your loss. You will find lots of support here. There's are many of us who've been through it so we do understand. I found the majority of my support here not in the real world. People don't like to talk about it and for some reason a lot of people seem to think it's less significant if it's before 12 weeks, yet anyone who's suffered even a really early loss knows that's not the case. It takes time to get over it but you will find you will get a little bit better at handling it each day, and after a while you will find it easier to talk about with people if you do have somone who wants to talk about it.

Brings tears to my eyes reading this. I'm sure you'll find good support in here. Even though I've been through what you're going through I don't have any words of wisdom. Time was the only thing that really eased the pain for me. I also planted trees for our little bub's, a Magnolia for our first and a flowering Peach for our second. I'm a bit of a gardening fanatic so I found a lot of healing in my garden.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - its just not fair and nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better. I have to say from experience though, you never forget but the hurt does get easier with time!
I know the girls on BB got me though mine! Just know that we arw all here for you! Look after yourself and DP and remember to cry, scream, talk if ad when you feel like it, Your grief is yours only, so ignore all those comments from people - they dont mean to be insensitive- they just dont know what else to say!

Oh Kelly :hugs:

You're story is so similar to mine that it has made me cry again :( Anyway, I know there is really nothing that I can say that will help ease the pain. But it does get better as time passes.

Take the time to grieve - I found that it was very necessary for me - and try to ignore the stupid comments. I used to hate hearing this when I was at my worst, but most people do really mean well but just don't know what to say and put their foot in it :( I still feel like some of those ignorant comments are a stab in the heart :(

I went and bought myself a little chain with a heart pendant - now my little angel will be always close to my heart.

Take care of yourself xx

Hi Kelly,
I think you need some big :hug:
I'm pretty much in the same boat as you at the moment so can completely empathize.
Take care of yourself, you can always talk with us, I have found it very cathartic to share my experiences with people who know what I have been through.

...Laura

In tears reading this. i went through the same thing on november 11th,it was my second m/c in 6 months. I also was 9 weeks and had been bleeding off and on from 6 weeks,i had scans for three weeks and when i went for the last one there was no heartbeat. I too had medical management and bled for two weeks after.
I am still devastated and know what you mean by feeling alone.
heart goes out to you both.:cry:

Kelly, my heart goes out to you.
We had our second MC in November too - its so damn hard, especailly once you have seen that beautiful little flicker flicker of the heartbeat! I just fell in love the minute i saw that - i didnt really allow myself to feel anything before that because i was scared taht it would end up just like the first MC. But then there was the HB! And two weeks later there wasnt. I my heart broke in 2 as soon as the us came up ion screen, i knew it was gone.
One of the hardest parts of trying to cope was that DF didnt see the heartbeat, so for him there wasnt really a "connection" - just made it so much harder. Correction, still makes it so much harder.
I had counselling, and still have one more session to go to if i wish - if it wasnt for her i would probably have had a breakdown by now - she helped me to see all sides, and to help me to help myself get out of the rutt i was in.
I have bought a candle for each of my lost bubs. I dont know when i will be albe to light them.
Forget those stupid comments - i know its hard, personally i cant be bothered any more with a couple of ppl who said dumb things to me, they are written off as far as i am concerned!
BB is so therapeautic

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss
Fly free, little one ^-^
I found it extremely hard to cope with the loss of my first baby back in September. It's been over 4 months and I still find myself crying from time to time and whenever I'm at work, I spend at least 1/3 of my time surfing the net about the loss of a child or reading th posts on this website.
Have you thought of TTC'ing again?
There's a great forum called "Trying to Conceive after Loss" - where you can get some great support from the ladies that have been through whatever you have been as well as focus on getting pregnant again. Once you start watching yoru cycle and charting and chatting to other ladies who are doing it as well - it will really help to take yur mind of things and give you a new sense of direction.
Have you also thought of seeing a councellor? I've been very against this idea until a few weeks ago, where it has just been getting "too much", so wil be going to see one tomorrow, hopefully that should help as well - I have gotten some very positive feedbak regarding councelling from other ladies who have suffered a loss.
I also found that creating a memory box for my little angel also helpe me a lot - I have put a few letters that I wrote for him in there, as well as my ultrasound pictures, pregnancy tests, poems, etc... I've come to terms that noone but me is feeling whatever I am feeling and that my little bub is pretty much forgotten - this is why this memory box is so prescious to me.
Hope that helps sweety, feel free to talk to me whenever
xoxoxo

Kelly I am so sorry for you loss.

Hi Kelly. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. This is such a difficult time for you and it is easy to often feel alone in your grief. Please take good care of yourself. If you find you need someone to talk to, there are organisations that can assist. I found talking to a counsellor from SIDS to be very useful.

I hope you are doing okay and if you need to talk or vent, please feel free to come on here. We all understand what you are going through and are hear to listen.

Kelly I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find support from the ladies and men on these forums :hug:

Kelly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are no words that can really give you comfort.
I did just want to reiterate what some of the other ladies have mentioned about counselling. I waited four years after my son was born with a servere disability to seek counselling and although I was coping I had so many issues around unresolved grief. It can often be hard to discuss our really deep emotions with those around us so a counsellor can be a wonderful, compassionate listener who will also have some coping techniques that can help if you are finding it hard to get through the day.
Of course you need to give yourself time, you may find you are seeing things in a better light in a week or more but please don't let things go too long if you're suffering.
Take care.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss rizo. I lost my little baby at the end of December at 7 weeks after emergency surgery. Like AJC I plan on planting a tree for our baby (magnolia is a great idea, I was thinking japanese maple...so many options). I didn't make a memory box but I did start a scrapbook type thing where (in my most depressed moments) I cut out the word baby from about 50 magazines and made a collage out of them and then put in the u/s picture (at 6 weeks :/) and my hospital bracelets and some sympathy cards etc. Just anything that reminded me of my little baby.

like mumofanangel I spent most of my time looking up information about miscarriage and reading posts here and at one other site (rarely posting...I never know what to write!). I found it to be the most therapeutic. I didn't go to counselling, though I can see it being beneficial. In my lowest points I know it would have been a great tool.

If you want somebody to talk to one on one feel free to message me! Im newly married and this was my first baby so we have some things in common :) Sometimes I needed to just vent and I know that if it wasn't for my husband being so supportive some kind, possibly unlucky lady, from this forum probably would have had to deal with me :)

Thank you all for all of your sympathetic words and kindness. Just hearing "I'm sorry for you loss" makes me feel better. Unfortunately, I know a lot of you have angel babies and truly understand how painful it can be. I am also sorry for all of your losses. :grouphug: Maybe they're all somewhere playing together. I feel my baby "with" me and it's helping me cope. I have started to open up to my mother and sister, and my fiance and I talk about it briefly sometimes. I think he still needs time to swallow what has happened and I don't want to force him. This is still new to us, only a week ago, and I think we both need more time. If it does go on too long however, we will seek counselling. We do want to try again and I don't want any unresolved grief keeping us from moving on. I think we will probably plant a tree as well and a necklace is a great idea also. Thank you all again for all of the support. I truly do appreciate it. I'm sorry we have gone through these losses but thankful we're all here for each other.

i am really sorry to hear of what you have been and are going through. You will find alot of support and comfort through this site, it has been amazing for me to be able to have a place where people don't judge but are accepting of anything you are feeling. I am sending you loads of hugs and you will find that it will be hard for people to accept your feelings of grief. But try and talk about it and the right person will come along eventually :hug:and give you a chance to off load. Your baby was real, your feelings are real so please ramble anytime you need to!!!! xxx

Hi Kelly
Everything you are feeling is normal. You have come to a great place for support, so many of us have been through the same thing, some worse. You will get through this but you just have to allow yourself to grieve. Your Fiance will grieve very differently to you but you need to keep the lines of communication open with each other. Let him know how you are feeling and encourage him to let you know how he is feeling. It is a tough road.
Make sure you look after yourself and take comfort in this wonderful place BB. We are all here to help and make you realise that you are normal.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It is so important to grieve, and to talk about it for as long as you need to. It helps you to be able to keep going.
I spent some time with my 85 year old grandmother last year, while I was trying to endure a hard time myself. She told me about her angel children, she had three mcs. She said that she still knows their names, still thinks of them every day, still remembers the days that would have been their birthdays. She said they never ever left her, but after a time she could think of them without pain, just love.
Kahlil Gibran has some true, beautiful words on Joy and Sorrow, I can't read them without welling up:

"...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the
potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was
hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it
is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see
that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight..."

bellelass, those are very beautiful words and so very true. thank you very much for sharing them. i am "healing" much quicker than i expected myself to, mostly credited to you wonderful and supportive women. i guess sometimes we don't realize how strong we really can be. i still look at the u/s picture everyday, but my tears are slowly turning into smiles. i also talked it over with my :doctor: and he helped a lot. He has been very supportive and understanding with me bothering him with emails and questions every other day. wedding plans are consuming much of my time right now and helping me to feel hopeful. unfortunately, jelly bean was not able to enjoy this beautiful world for long, but my fiance and i are stronger, closer, and understand each other even more because jelly bean was in our lives. i believe when we ttc again, we will be "extra" appreciative and treasure every moment. now the hard part is waiting until we can ttc again. until then, i will try to get into a regular exercise routine and hopefully it will stick!

Hi Kelly,

[QUOTE=rizo945;1102099]... "I'm just emotionally empty. I feel like I've lost my direction. I was pregnant and I someone to care for and a reason to take care of myself.
... I can't focus on anything right now. I'm still so numb."

I so know where you are coming from, sitting here with tears plopping off my chin and onto the laptop! Glad that you have found BB and all of these wonderful ladies to turn to. :hugs:
Taka care