Does your husband or partner help you?

I am interested in hearing from other stay-at-home mums whose DH or DP works full-time. To what extent do they help you with housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children?

My DH works a good 50 hour week, goes out to play poker two nights a week (not for money) and goes for a day-long motorbike ride on one of his 2 days off. He also quite often has a drink at the pub for an hour or so after work with the guys from work. I don't get any help around the house or assistance with hands-on caring of the children like feeding or bathing them.

DH doesn't even take the rubbish out unless I ask. He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around, but he doesn't do an ounce of housework or even handyman stuff. My dad ends up doing the handyman things that need doing. Is there anyone else in this situation?

It seems all my friends have these wonderful, caring full-time working DHs or DPs who manage to also help out at home. My DH gives me the "I work a very long, hard week and I'm the one bringing home the money" routine.

LOL, i think we need to make a hubby training schedule for all BB members ;)

... week 1 - gentle coaxing to take out rubbish of his own accord

Sorry, not much help to you Jenstar, we both have to work :(

I wish I could work to contribute to the family income but I am expecting our 3rd child soon. I am always racking my brains for some kind of business I could do from home. That way I would also have an interest outside of the children (he has work, poker, pub, motorbike).

Honey i work and i still have the same problem!!! Because I ONLY work 3 days a week I have it easy according to DH, this year I am working 4 days but it will still be the same cause HE has to be at work at 6.30am and as a mere school teacher my job is sooooo easy that I shouldn't be tired at all!!! (hear my sarcasm!) I could be mean and point out that in my 4 days i will earn more than him but I'm not that mean but it is frustrating when he completely negates both my paid jib and my unpaid one as being easy.

I am hearing you.. I do the books, ordering and banking for our business and have 3 kids with one on the way and DF just uses the old " I am the worker so I don't have to do anything else, you have it easy ".
DF won't even mow the lawn, I have renovated completely two houses and made a great profit with DF sitting on a chair with a beer in his hand watching me - I kid you not either.
My DF tells me that he pays my wages every week so he can tell me what to do and by that I mean pick up his smelly clothes, clean up his dirty dishes that he leaves all over the house and sometimes even flush the toilet after him( and I mean, flush the toilet ) cause he says he is too tired and forgets to do it.
I don't honestly think anything can change the way they are.

Awww hun :hugs: it is really hard isn't it - especially when it becomes sort of like a competition. DH works really long hours, often 6 days a week so he really doesn't do much housework at all. At the moment I don't really mind but I am back to work part-time in a week or so and I think we might need to have a gentle chat about it then. You both live in the house, you both "work" - its just that one of you gets paid and the other doesn't. He needs to realise that it is a joint responsibility to keep the household running.

Maybe you could just set out a few things that just he does, like its his job to put out the bins, clean the shower (tough to do when you are pg and he can keep doing it when bubs arrives!) etc and that way, even though he goes out you will feel like he is contributing too.
Could you also have one night that is like a "date" night, get a sitter or wait til the kids are in bed and just spend time with each other. We have to do this too - because combined with working 6 days a week and soccer training two nights a week we have to plan time together. Im not looking forward to soccer actually starting because then Saturdays are out too. Ugh its so hard isn't it - I hope you find a solution thats works for you.

Thank god we don't have a lawn to mow and at least mine flushes the toilet although he does leave the empty toilet roll there without replacing (not hard to do when there's a stack of new toilet paper beside the toilet). I have the dirty clothes, shoes and dishes issue. Mine watches TV with beer in hand while I take out the rubbish. He knows his job is the bins (although he thinks it's sexist) but to him this just means taking out for the rubbish collector once a week. He used to even sit there on the couch watching me bring in bags of groceries up the stairs but I nipped this one in the bud. A lightbulb can go unchanged for weeks and other small odd jobs get left undone simply because he doesn't do it and it's horrible having to nag about these obvious and petty things, isn't it?

DH would never clean the shower in a million years!! In fact, he could live with it uncleaned forever. A long time ago when we shared a place with a flatmate, the flatmate and I would do all of the cleaning until we incorporated a plan to involve all 3 of us. It was his turn to do the kitchen dishes. Well, they sat there for almost a week and the kitchen became one huge mess. We just sort of ate and prepared our food around it until in the end, the flatmate and I could stand it no more - we came home from work to find the stench unbearable and maggots everywhere!! It was soooo disgusting. In hindsight, I should've known back then what I would be marrying.

:hugs:

Jase works mon-fri 6.30am-3pm he does no housework no cooking no dishes but he does mow the lawn, take out rubbish and will bath, feed Jack when I ask.

He has always been this way, I am sure when I have #2 and #3 I will expecta bit more but for now I am happy with what he does mind you if he did the dishes occasionally i would be over the moon

I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

Boy I have it easy.

Jo, can we clone him??? Is he good looking as well LOL??

pass on your training schedule jo?

i am pretty lucky too, DF does all of our cooking (he even makes me cheese on toast!!), and many other things, including getting dd to school which is a BIG help here.

the only thing that drives me nuts is that i come home to unmade beds - and if there are dishes on the table i crack!

When I was working I made it clear that I expected domestic stuff to be split 50/50. Otherwise, we wouldn't be together. I could not respect, let alone fall in love with a man who can't cook himself (and me) a decent meal, do his washing or know how to use a vacuum cleaner. Because anything less would not seem fair to me and I don't find unfair, lazy or incompetent very sexy.

Now that I"m a SAHM, I see his job as working and my job as looking after DD and the house. So I think it's fair that I do most things but would also expect him to put in when asked. So, for instance, he does the grocery shopping because I can't stand pottering around supermarkets but DP actually quite enjoys it.

Things would probably change if we had another child though and there was more to do.

But I honestly think this stuff is something that you have to talk about VERY early in your relationship. No point thinking they will magically morph into a domestic god. If they're not that way when you meet them, then you've got your work cut out.

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I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

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That's fantastic JoJo. Never take it for granted. Does he work full-time? It seems all my friends have partners like this. Ho hum....woe is me....
No amount of training will change my DH. No matter what strategy I try it comes off as nagging or that I can't handle things and no husband likes a nagging wife now do they.

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I must be lucky. Dh helps with the housework, cooking, caring for and disciplining the children. On the days he works he does the washing, takes the rubbish out, helps me do the shopping and does anything else I need him to do. On the weekends when he isn't working, he makes dinner, helps with any housework that needs doing, mows the lawn, helps with the kids, if he goes out he takes one of the kids with him. He goes over to mates houses sometimes but normally he does the dishes before he goes and asks me if I need him to do anything and if I mind him going.

Boy I have it easy.

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No way JoJo, that's the way it should be!

Mrsmac - I think his good looking but I might be bias. He has a few pregnancy kilos to lose but. LOL

Catrionalee - He was trained when I got him.

Jenstar - Yes he works full time, Monday to Friday, 2pm til midnight, but he is going to take some time off when our bub is born to spend time with him and to help me.

I'm one of the lucky ones too. My dh works full time, but in his line of work that means 4 days on/4 days off, so on his days off he does heaps around the house and also quite enjoys the handyman type stuff.

Jenstar, I think the saddest thing I read in your post was the comment "He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around..." Does this mean this is the way your kids see him - just as someone who tells them off? I hope he has some fun with them too, for his sake and theirs.

I have to admit that DH is really handy and can build anything I need, he has built a bunk bed when the girls were smaller, many bookshelves, a 3m dining room table that I love, and at the moment is in the middle of a fantastic cubby for the kids. He also changes light globes LOL

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Jenstar, I think the saddest thing I read in your post was the comment "He is a good father and can discipline the kids well when he is around..." Does this mean this is the way your kids see him - just as someone who tells them off? I hope he has some fun with them too, for his sake and theirs.

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Oh no, sorry I wasn't clear. He has heaps and heaps of fun with them. Always horsing around and playing games with them. I am not so good at the discipline thing so I appreciate when he can pitch in and reinforce me in that department. It's not like he's always yelling at them or anything. I just feel they listen and respond to a man's voice better.

I guess some partners are good at the handyman and housework thing but may not be so good in the bond/play with the kids thing. Can't have it all. Gotta think of all those single mums out there too doing it tough on their own with no male support. No, I'm just having a rant because I would love for DH husband to do more around the house and it just annoys me at times. He is an extremely good father though.

Jenstar, when my DD was born after emergency c/s DH went back to work when she was 2 weeks old. He was driving 75klms to get to his then job, to start around 8am i think, finish at 5, home around 6ish and would then hang out clothes, bathe DD and help me get dinner ready.
Now he works a different job where by the time he wakes up then gets home from work he has been up about 15 hours, working 12.25 of them. He doesn't feel like doing much when he gets home, can't really blame him there though, but sometimes he helps with dinner. He always has 'his' time when he gets home, 5 minutes to himself then DD and I can unload whatever happened during the day on him. depending on what day it is, DD might read a school book to him instead of me.
On his days off he usually cooks. I always do the dishes, he has on occasion helped me out with that, not many though. He is learning to take the rubbish downstairs before the bin is overflowing all over the floor, but I still yet to train him to bring out the old toilet rolls LOL!
My DH has lots of other little pet hates, like leaving dirty clothes on the bedroom floor then wondering why he has no clean clothes?? I explained to him recently that it's the little things like the rubbish, loo rolls and dirty clothes, that take less than 2 minutes to do, that I really appreciate. I think it shows that he is willing to make some sort of effort and not just leave it hoping I will do it, a little bit of help goes a long way and also makes me feel just that little bit more appreciated.
Once I felt like he appreciated me then the housework didn't seem like such a chore, don't know if that makes sense or not?

Goodluck! :)

Nic

Marc's currently putting the dishes away and re-stacking the dishwasher ;) He is a gem though, I am very lucky. He also thinks he was well trained :D I'll post more later...

My DH works FT Monday to Friday and since the birth of our baby girl I am now a SAHM. He works .. I keep the house clean and look after the kids. He does the lawns .. although he wanted to hire someone to do the gardens and because I am so stingy with spending our money I said I would do it. He then went and did the lawns because he didnt want to see me out there while he was relaxing on the couch!
When DH gets home from work (about 4pm or so he has an hour of his own time - usually exercise) then he looks after the baby while I cook dinner. This is REALLY helpful for me to make a nice meal because our little one is sooo demanding she needs constant attention otherwise she cracks it.

When I say my job is the house.. that dosent always mean you can eat off the floor so to speak .. I am constantly struggling with getting everything done and having some 'me' time also.

:heartbeat:
Jen

wholy moly don't get me started. My hubby complains that I "chose" to stay home therefore I "chose" to do all the housework also. it doesn't matter that I now run my own business - that according to him is my hobby. Recently my MIL (on my side for once) told him to get off his butt and help out it lasted hmmmm - 2 days

That's good he plays with the kids a lot. I can relate to you saying they respond to a mans voice better - ds is the same. I can tell him no 3-4 times and he just ignores me, but dh walks in and says it once and ds stops whatever he's doing.

Maybe you could find a hobby that means you get one night off a week (like a book club at your library, or a session at the gym or whatever) so at least you get one set night off and he'll have to be at home that night. After all, if he's working 5 days a week then riding for a whole day, that means he's gone 6 days a week. You really do need some time out yourself.

We also have a deal in our house which started when we both had full-time paying jobs (as opposed to my fulltime job as a sahm) that whoever cooks the other does the dishwasher. How do you think he'd respond to a suggestion like that? After all, the dishes only take 10 mins, but it could be s good start?

My husband works 4 days on and 4 days off.. During the working week he doesn't do much except help put the kids to bed and on his night shifts he cooks tea..

On his days off he cooks tea every night so 6 nights out of 8 he cooks. I wash up for all meals breakfast lunch dinner ect.. We share the kid duties except for our bub. I usually do all the caring of her as he is busy with the boys. He also mows the yard every week.. We both do the housework but he does the big cleaning as our little one is a bit of a handbag at the moment so while he is vaccumming ,mopping and dusting I am dealing with the kids. and when the kids don't need me I am helping him.. So we pretty muc do things 50/50 except for the care of one child..

I once asked him if he thought he did too muc around the house. He said no but you could get me a beer :lol: so I get the drinks at night .. silly little things..

I work 4 days a week and DH still does nothing. I was even mowing the lawn until my mum called him and told him he had better do it or have her to deal with hehehehe.

I agree withon the competition comment (sorry can't remember who said it) but that is exactly what my DH is like.

We have a dishwasher and he still puts his plate on the bench GRRRRRR!!!

Some men are good at getting out of these things. Doesn't matter how much i nag and complain still nothing!

I too am a sahm my husband works 14 hour days 5-6 days a week and is away from home all week. So I am on my own most of the time.

I do everything around the house. I do everything with the kids. He will play or disipline them when he is home. I used to feel resentful of this. But mostly I try to remember how hard he works and how much he sacrifices so that I can stay home. It is easier for me as he doesn't have any free time either so it is fair although I think I gave the better deal.

In the spring he is off work for 3 month straight. 24/7 he could help but really doesn't much. That drives me nuts. He plays pretend poker on-line, and sleeps and putters around. I find that I get mad that he goes out and has fun and I am at home all the time. But if I make plans then he steps up and will look after our little monkeys. I always feel better when I get out and a make those plans. Especially when the youngest poops everywhere or something crazy happens that I deal with all the time that he never has to deal with.:D

So My only advice is to plan outings for yourself and I am sure he will step up and surprise you.

I'm a lucky girl as well with a fantastic DH who works 6 days a week and still comes home plays with the girls helps feed,bath them put them to bed..Will occasionally help with the dishes fold washing etc..Does all the lawns puts rubbish out etc...

Alot of people ask me "how do you do it with twins" and my response is I have a fantastic,hands on DH.Without him I dont think I could have "done it"

I think I'm one of the lucky ones too. No kids for us yet though.
DH works usually 28 out of 31 days a month (6 days a week, and 1 week is all 7 days) - he has 3 jobs. I'm full time at uni and also work 3 days a week.
We have a cleaning lady who comes every week for 2 hrs and does the major stuff. But as far as cooking, we take it in turns, but more often he'll cook as he gets home before me. Whoever doesn't cook does the dishes/dishwasher. He does the back lawn (I refuse the learn how the mower works) and we have a guy who does the front lawn for just $12. Part of his Saturday job allows him to do our washing (family drycleaning business) so I pretty much don't do any washing, the trade-off is I do the grocery shopping (which we both hate).
I tend to be the one who will empty the bin (it does annoy me that he nevers seems to notice it if full, but he'll take it out if I ask him), change the sheets, and do the general de-clutter each week before the cleaning lady comes.
Plus we have 2 indoor cats which are totally my responsibility - litter tray, feeding, grooming etc. Also I'll usually do a vacuum in-between the cleaning lady's visits, to clean up the fur!

I am quite sure that when we have kids and I'm a SAHM that he will be a great help to me - and if he doesn't he better look out lol.

I have a wonderful DH who helps with everything. He is a wonderful dad and husband. I feel very lucky to have him.

I'm lucky too - DH works 5 days a week, at least 12 hour days (leaves at 5/6am, home at 6pm).

He does the dishes every single night, often baths DD after I've bathed DS and am putting him to bed. He does washing, cleaning, takes clothes off the line etc etc. Probably the only things he doesn't do often is actually put clothes away or vacuum. Since DS has arrived he does a lot with DD while I'm with the baby ie baths her, dresses her, puts her to bed, gets her breakfast and lunch on weekends etc etc. He also cooks on weekends. He does all the mowing etc outside, washes the cars etc.

My friends are often surprised how much he does around the house because he is VERY blokey - they call him Neanderthal! LOL.

Hi Ladies,

As a Dad, I feel somewhat compelled to present the male perspective but the fact is that I can't really defend Dad's who don't help out. As a counsellor, I recommend to new parents that they have a really clear discussion on roles and expectations. This way all the cards are laid out on the table and you can work through who does what when. It is really important that you both communicate your needs so that you work towards meeting them. Sometimes, it is not possible to meet both persons needs at once. That is where negotiation comes in. The process is - identify needs, work through options, set up a plan, follow through.

To communicate your needs it is best to use an I statement ie When I am left to all of the housework alone I feel..... What I would really like is if we could work on this together... This makes the statement about how you feel and what you want rather than about what he has/hasn't done. Sometimes people will say Why don't you help? or You play poker all day and expect me to do all of this work?.... He will get defensive becasue the emphasis is on what he hasn't done rather than on how you feel.

A good way to encourage Dads to be involved is to positively reinforce them ie thanks for bathing bub that really helped out. It is just like training a dog. Give him a reward for doing the right thing and he will do it more often....

I wish I had my partner to help me. But he was really insensitive when he told me to abort when he found out that I was expecting. But I am really lucky to have wonderful and supportive parents. My dad and mum help me out everytime with the kids.

.... I saw a show on telly few mths ago where a new Mother mentioned when her DH comes home after work he tells her to just give me 5mins alone b4 he can help her in any way .... This woman made a good point in saying "Why am I not getting my 5mins & U do " ???? :doh:

In other words - Why is HE more important to get HIS 5mins & SHE does NOT ??? mmm, ... makes U wonder :rolleyes: Has SHE not had as harder day at work ... being a full time Mum is no easy work. I know as I worked for ova 20yrs a 6day 10hr job until I became a 1st time & full-time Mum at 40 ;)