Please say the magic words ...

I wish my husband knew the magic words that would take away my pain.

I have wanted a third child ever since my son was born four years ago. My husband was never keen on the idea until recently, I had to have my IUD surgically removed late last year, which was my first TTC shocker.

I am/was 7 weeks pregnant now. Everything seemed perfect, I conceived first try, most likely on Xmas day. Last Saturday, the most unthinkable horror happened - I started to bleed. I have been bleeding on and off all week. My hcg has gone up, and I had an ultrasound that showed my baby's hear was beating on Monday. My gynae was fairly positive when we spoke to him last. This evening I started passing the tiniest little pieces of grey tissue, which I assume to be part of my baby. I think this one is not going to work out.

I can't eat or sleep, and all I can do is think about my baby dying inside of me. I have turned into a demon mother, screaming all day and picking on the children constatntly. I am just so exhausted, I just want this to be over so that I can grieve and start trying for another child.

I never thought this would happen to me, and my family's 'support' has been so clinical. I don't give a damn about nature's way, or how early it is - this is my BABY I am losing.

I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.

Thank you for reading my story.

Aw hun, you sound so much like me...

I lost my baby at 12 weeks and it totally devastated me. But I don't think there are any magic words, I wish there were. It's almost two years since we lost our baby and I'm still grieving, especially after the recent birth of our son.

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I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.

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I have done or am planning to do the exact same things. I have named my baby (but haven't told anyone out loud). I am planning a tattoo but have decided to wait until I finish b'feeding my son.

Just don't give up hope. After losing our baby I was in all sorts of trouble, had to have multiple surgeries and IVF and we still got there in the end! Our beautiful boy is a miracle that I am grateful for every day but we can never replace the baby we lost.

I'd encourage you to keep posting here, it's the only thing that saved my sanity in those early months. The women here are wonderful. :hug:

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through I wish words could take the pain away but I know all to well that only time can help ease this pain a little. When I started spotting at almost 12 weeks I knew something wasn't right and had it confirmed at a scan that our little girl passed away. Its hard when you know there is nothing you can do to change things. I planted a tree for my little girl which has the most beautiful pink flowers(my mum got it for me) and I also gave my little girl a name Kayla. It doesn't take the pain away but just something to show that my child did exist and I will always be her mother. I think a tattoo it great!
I hope that you can begin your ttc journey again soon and know that your little angel is playing with all our little angels.
Take care

Hi Sweetheart,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds as though you are still waiting to find out for certain what is happening to your baby? The waiting part is tough, even if you are pretty sure of what the outcome will be. I thought that I was holding it all together until I had a scan that proved that I had m/c, then I just fell to pieces. It was better in a way, because I could finally get on and greive and start to put my life back together. ( which takes quite a lot longer than I tought)

I hope that you find the support you need. Although your family and friends have not found the right words yet, there are some wonderful women here who can help you through this painful process. Take care of yourself. :hug:

I wish i knew the magic words, my dh never came up with any, though i know he tried, it just seems that nothing said seems to help!!:hug:

I am so sorry for your loss, i think the tattoo is a great idea, something i am still yet to do, still working on a design. Its so important to recognise this little baby, he or she was only here for a short time, but they will have a huge impact on you.

Be kind to yourself, its understandable that you are feeling a tad out of sorts, are your children of an age that you can share with them what has happened, just so maybe they can understand just why mummy is soooo sad?? Maybe your dh needs to say the magic words of "Go take some time out babe, i will look after the kids, you do what you need to do, i will be in to give you a cuddle soon!"

I wish for the miracle that everything will actually work out ok, and that the worst wasnt happening.... but if thats not going to happen, i wish you a speedy physical recovery and all the best sticky vibes for the future.

Take care xoxox

i am so sorry for your loss. i wish your dh or i or someone had the right, magical words to say -- but i'm not so sure they exist. let your grief come out as it will, because it will either now or in the future. be good to yourself if you can -allow those feelings to surface even if they are negative. may i ask what you have decided to name your little one? that is a good idea, i think. and the tattoo as well -- a permanent reminder of one of your children. big hugs to you, m

Well, today was the day. I went in for another scan, and the baby's heart had stopped. My husband was so sure I was just being a 'prophet of doom' that he didn't even go to the doctors with me. I was so sure that my baby was gone that I didn't eat or drink anything this morning in preparation for surgery. I had a d & c this evening, and got home an hour or so ago. The staff all commented on how calm and composed I was the whole time, from the scan through to the op, but afterward I just lost it and cried and cried. I feel this gut-wrenching loss of my baby, but also I feel I have lost some part of myself too. I am not the same person I was just over a week ago, and I am not sure I ever will be again.

I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Watching my husband sleep this past week has made me so angry - how can he sleep when our baby is gone? I am crushed that I will never hold this child, and it will never hear me say how loved and wanted he/she is. Sometimes the vicious, ugly thoughts creep in - there are so many women out there intentionally aborting their babies, why couldn't this one that I love so much live? The stupid things that people say are really getting to me, even the seemingly inane ones such as 'next time you must make sure that you eat more healthily'. The implication being that I could have stopped this somehow. And if I hear one more time that is was 'for the best' or 'not meant to be' I am not sure I can be held accountable for my actions.

The baby's name is Sasha Skye. As soon as I had found out that it was truly over I went out an bought a Winnie The Pooh notebook to stick my one precious scan picture in, and to write to my baby. It is a shabby second to the Winnie the Pooh bedroom I had planned :(

The tattoo that I have planned will be in the form of fairy wings on my shoulders, with the symbol for the star sign that my baby would have been in the middle. My husband is having a dragon done at the same time, also for the baby.

I did end up explaining to my 7 year-old daughter that mommy was so sad and angry because she had a very sick baby in her tummy. She has assured me that next time the baby will be perfect, and I do so hope that she is right.

I am really sorry that you have lost your baby. Sasha Skye is a lovely name.

I hope that you find some healing, and feel able to talk about it with your partner.

Take care,

Kate

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

take care,

K

so sorry to read your post, my heart goes out to you as another of many who know and share your pain.
that is a beautiful name you have chosen and a lovely idea with the notebook.
I wish there was more I could say to help you heal.

I am so sorry you went through all that. I'll keep you in my prayers and send a cyber hug.

I wish I had the magic words, too. All I can say is you're not alone, and you can come here to cry, vent and rant all you need to because we've all been through it too.

It's wonderful that you're going to commemorate your baby that way.

Be really good to yourself while you're body and emotions are healing.

I am shocked by how quickly my body has gone back to normal. I haven't bled at all since the morning after the d & c. My little baby bump is totally flat. Sometimes it feels like it was all a really bad dream.

I am battling to get anyone to talk to me about it, everyone seems to have adopted this 'life goes on attitude' like maybe if they ignore it I will just forget.

so sorry to hear about your loss, sending you a big hug, just take one day at a time and it is ok to cry, we are all hear for you.

Hi Stolen's Angel
I am so sorry for you loss, it is a heart wrenching journey for you and your DH. You will both grieve in very different ways, particularly you as you were the one carrying the baby. After all 3 of my m/c's I always felt like someone had whipped the carpet out from under my feet and I had fallen flat on my back. You start to plan things, like the winnie the pooh nursery, and then all of a sudden that road has a great big brick wall at the end of it and you stop so suddenly.
We can all relate to what those people who have never been through any of this say and that is why so many of us are here, because each and everyone of us know what you are going through in some kind of way.
Take care of yourself and your family.

It sounds like the people around you are at a loss for words. And some people just don't do well with emotional stuff.

Is there anybody in your real life who's been through an obstetric loss? They might be a good person to talk to. Some hospitals have support groups, too.

And of course, you can always talk to us here. Sending a cyberhug and wishing you all the best.

Well, it is 3 in the morning, and again I can't sleep. I hope I never see another sun rise ever in my life again.

Hi Stolen's Angel. I had a blighted ovum for my first bub in Dec after 6 months of TTC. I know eaxctly the feeling of people not wanting to talk about it, life goes on, you're too much of an emotional basket case to deal with, ey? It's not true!!! Not true at all. You say or scream whatever you need to. Dont feel bad about telling people you miscarried because they freak out. It's reality and it's grief. Your baby was real and precious. I hope your DH is there for you. It's a long long journey ahead and you can walk it however you like.

My heart knows your pain....

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I wish my husband knew the magic words that would take away my pain.

I have wanted a third child ever since my son was born four years ago. My husband was never keen on the idea until recently, I had to have my IUD surgically removed late last year, which was my first TTC shocker.

I am/was 7 weeks pregnant now. Everything seemed perfect, I conceived first try, most likely on Xmas day. Last Saturday, the most unthinkable horror happened - I started to bleed. I have been bleeding on and off all week. My hcg has gone up, and I had an ultrasound that showed my baby's hear was beating on Monday. My gynae was fairly positive when we spoke to him last. This evening I started passing the tiniest little pieces of grey tissue, which I assume to be part of my baby. I think this one is not going to work out.

I can't eat or sleep, and all I can do is think about my baby dying inside of me. I have turned into a demon mother, screaming all day and picking on the children constatntly. I am just so exhausted, I just want this to be over so that I can grieve and start trying for another child.

I never thought this would happen to me, and my family's 'support' has been so clinical. I don't give a damn about nature's way, or how early it is - this is my BABY I am losing.

I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.

Thank you for reading my story.

---

my heart goes out to you. i just had the whole works...a missed m/c at 9 weeks, only days after my 15yr old daughter left home screaming at me that she hoped i'd lose the baby, and most of my friends asking my why would i want another at 43? people don't realise that you know instinctively that yes, your baby is leaving your womb because it's just not viable, but it doesn't diminish the pain in any way when you loved that child BEFORE you even concieved it.

this is your CHILD. you grieve however helps you, and don't listen when ppl tell you otherwise. i had a tattoo years ago after my then husband bullied me into a termination and it helped me even tho i never forgave him. my fiance and i planted a tree for ours, the joshua tree, right outside our bedroom window.

we'll add you to our prayers. take care of YOU.

karan

Big hugs to you :hug::hug:
I am sorry that you are going through this awful experience.

I learnt the hard way after my first m/c that my DH grieved in a totally different way to me.

This is my story:
We had the most terrible terrible fights after our first m/c. But I learnt alot about myself and him in those fights. I learnt about he grieved and amazingly he learnt about the support that I needed/wanted.

So on Tuesday I wasn't offended that he chose his mother to cry with, I just gave him hugs as he cried down the phone - we haven't cried together yet. And I sent him off to work today despite having a D&C yesterday - he needed to be busy. He asked me today if I needed him tomorrow as I am off again, but I said only if he needed to be at home. He did write a simple and very meaningful card to me and bought me chocolates and wine the night of the D&C. (he learnt this in our fights - me yelling at the top of my voice for all the neighbours to hear; embarrassingly funny now. I thought my marriage was going to end then.)



You will never forget your child - I have named all of mine - DH is sort of aware, but I don't feel he is ready to understand so I don't push the point of the names I have choosen. I know that one day he will come to accept that these special angels have names.

I suppose what I am trying to say in all of this is that it is true that men and women are very different! Talk to your girl friends or online friends who have been through all of this - they will be there for you. Online may be anoymous, but sometimes they are the most understanding of all - in my experience. Give your man time to grieve. He may never understand and neither may your family - I have seen/experienced that happening. My father never understood my mother's grief over her m/c. My sister was very very rude to me after my second loss. If it hasn't happened to them they really just don't get it at all.

Once again I am sorry that you have had to join the 'club'. It's a terrible thing but know that there are lots of us out there and we share in the grief of never knowing our little ones.

I hope that the passage of time heals some of your wounds with this experience, it will never rob your memories, but maybe take away some of the sharp pain you are feeling.

Sending a cyberhug because you're in so much pain. words are so inadequate right now.

Hi Stolen Angel - I have read your story and could not go past without posting.
I am really really sorry for your loss and I hope that you will find all the strength you need to get through it. This is one of the msot horrible htings that can happen to a woman, I believe, a loss of a pregnancy is also loss of a child (well for me anyway) - whether it was through a miscarriage or stillbirth . And I can see for you it is also so.
There's no words that can take away your pain, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand you and I'm here if you need to talk. I too was devasted by my loss at 11.5 weeks 5 months ago and I can surely say that I will never be the person as I was before, I will never look at life the same, my innocense and sense of humor are long gone. I still think of my little one every day and cry very often still. Bur slowly-slowly, I'm gettign used to my new "being" and it is not so bad I msut say. I have grown a lot from this experience and now, rom knowing what real pain is, I appreciate the good things in life a lot more and I'm wishing you the same.

Hugs
Katia

i too could not go past without posting, i am sending you a bundle of hugs at this time adn really hope you find the support you need. So much of what you have written i could identify with, as i had always wanted a 3rd child and the horror of losing Jack has hit hard espo after it took my husband so long to agree to another pregnancy also. so i hope that you can find some one in your life that you can lean on, even for a bit. it is really hard for our partners to understand our side of our loss, i remember mine asked did i really want to name our baby jack or did i want to save it for another baby (who might survive). I was shattered that he would think this baby meant any less to me than one who was full term. You HAVE lost a baby, no more no less...i just wrote in another post that people don't understand and they do turn their backs as they are unsure of what to say but someone will come along for you in terms of family, a friend, a counselling service or even here. Support here is amazing, so use all of us! Take care of yourself, eventhough you don't want to as it is a difficult time and we do need to remember to take time out for ourselves. xxx

I was getting so much better ... and then I discovered that my husband's version of grieving was flirting outrageously with some woman on-line while I slept in the room next door.

Oh Stolen Angel, i am really sorry. :hug:

Escapism is their favourite way of coping, not to make any excuses for him, what he was doing was not nice, but i have noticed with my DH that completley ignoring things and doing out rageous out of character things was a big thing for him!!

I wouldnt take it too seriously, unless he attempts to meet this lady, but i would ask him not to talk to her anymore and try to let him know how much it;s hurt you. My DH's fave is to just leave me alone for hours, some times days, he takes off with his mates and calls to say he is too drunk to get home, or sometimes doesnt even call, and when i call him he makes it out like i am keeping tabs on him, he is just with his mates, but still, i hate it when he just ups and goes knowing i am sitting at home on the verge of tears 24/7 and his way of coping is to just simply run away and hope i am in a better mood when he finaly returns.... which doesnt usually happen, i sit there and spend the whole time remembering things he has done to annoy me, or more importantly things he HASNT done around the house or said he would do, and i am furious by the time he gets home, which you guessed it, makes him get the poo's and leave again!!!!! Vivious curcle, which over the last few eeks we have been both trying to remedy.

Good luck, and i hope you sort things out dear

take care
xoxoxoxoxoxo

I have no words - I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you :hug:

I"m so sorry you've been having such a crappy time of it. Sending encouragement vibes and a cyberhug.

But as long as I live, I'll never understand why sometimes men feel the need to act out like this...

and sending you hugs. i know some men feel their masculinity has been challenged when they can't give their wife a healthy baby. look after your emotional state, talk to your girlfriends if you can, and maybe when you can forgive him a little, try to draw him out about how hes feeling.

but he has NO right to add to your pain.

Hi Stolen's Angel - I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and I understand that the pain runs deep and hurts in a way no one who has not gone through this would understand.

I am so sorry that your husband is not offering the support you need or deserve. I have come to learn that men grieve very differently to women and this can be a huge challenge. It seems so unfair that in a time in our lives when we need them to be there supporting and sharing, they choose to close up. My DH and I had a big talk on Friday night and it has really helped clear the air - one thing he said which may apply to you and your partner, is that he has come to realise that I love our baby as much as DH loves me. He said that sometimes he felt excluded - like Nathaniel and I were our own little team and he wasn't part of it. I told him that we wanted him in our team but felt he had distanced himself. He agreed he had put up walls to protect himself from being hurt. Once we got this out, we were able to see how we were both frustrated at something that could be solved just by talking.

I don't know if this is maybe how your husband feels, but you need to talk to him and tell him what you need from him. He has no right to compound your grief by flirting with other women. It sounds to me like he may be hiding from your and his own grief.

I hope you are okay and sending your a big hug :hug: Take care.

Hi,

After reading the logs on my husband's computer that weekend, I totally lost it. In true Jerry Springer fashion I raged for hours, flushed my wedding ring down the loo and had him in tears by dawn. I sent the kids to his mom for the weekend and just had a total emotional collapse. By Sunday morning we were really talking to each other for the first time since I had started bleeding, he felt by not showing me his grief he was being strong for me. Ironically it was only when we were both lying sobbing on the bed together that I started healing. He has made it impossible for this female to contact him again. I feel incredibly betrayed by this stranger, as she knew I had just lost my baby and how I would be feeling, as she had a stillbirth of her own last year.

Life seems more positive all around right now, although I still get these moments of total agony every time I see anything remotely baby related. I get physical feelings of panic when I think about losing another baby, but if I want another baby this is something I just have to get through.

Sending great, big cyberhug. I'll keep you guys in my prayers.