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Thread: Please say the magic words ...

  1. #1
    Stolen's angel Guest

    Default Please say the magic words ...

    I wish my husband knew the magic words that would take away my pain.

    I have wanted a third child ever since my son was born four years ago. My husband was never keen on the idea until recently, I had to have my IUD surgically removed late last year, which was my first TTC shocker.

    I am/was 7 weeks pregnant now. Everything seemed perfect, I conceived first try, most likely on Xmas day. Last Saturday, the most unthinkable horror happened - I started to bleed. I have been bleeding on and off all week. My hcg has gone up, and I had an ultrasound that showed my baby's hear was beating on Monday. My gynae was fairly positive when we spoke to him last. This evening I started passing the tiniest little pieces of grey tissue, which I assume to be part of my baby. I think this one is not going to work out.



    I can't eat or sleep, and all I can do is think about my baby dying inside of me. I have turned into a demon mother, screaming all day and picking on the children constatntly. I am just so exhausted, I just want this to be over so that I can grieve and start trying for another child.

    I never thought this would happen to me, and my family's 'support' has been so clinical. I don't give a damn about nature's way, or how early it is - this is my BABY I am losing.

    I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.

    Thank you for reading my story.

  2. #2

    Default

    Aw hun, you sound so much like me...

    I lost my baby at 12 weeks and it totally devastated me. But I don't think there are any magic words, I wish there were. It's almost two years since we lost our baby and I'm still grieving, especially after the recent birth of our son.

    I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.
    I have done or am planning to do the exact same things. I have named my baby (but haven't told anyone out loud). I am planning a tattoo but have decided to wait until I finish b'feeding my son.

    Just don't give up hope. After losing our baby I was in all sorts of trouble, had to have multiple surgeries and IVF and we still got there in the end! Our beautiful boy is a miracle that I am grateful for every day but we can never replace the baby we lost.

    I'd encourage you to keep posting here, it's the only thing that saved my sanity in those early months. The women here are wonderful.
    Last edited by Willow; February 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 AM.

  3. #3

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    I am so sorry for the pain you are going through I wish words could take the pain away but I know all to well that only time can help ease this pain a little. When I started spotting at almost 12 weeks I knew something wasn't right and had it confirmed at a scan that our little girl passed away. Its hard when you know there is nothing you can do to change things. I planted a tree for my little girl which has the most beautiful pink flowers(my mum got it for me) and I also gave my little girl a name Kayla. It doesn't take the pain away but just something to show that my child did exist and I will always be her mother. I think a tattoo it great!
    I hope that you can begin your ttc journey again soon and know that your little angel is playing with all our little angels.
    Take care

  4. #4

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    Hi Sweetheart,
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds as though you are still waiting to find out for certain what is happening to your baby? The waiting part is tough, even if you are pretty sure of what the outcome will be. I thought that I was holding it all together until I had a scan that proved that I had m/c, then I just fell to pieces. It was better in a way, because I could finally get on and greive and start to put my life back together. ( which takes quite a lot longer than I tought)

    I hope that you find the support you need. Although your family and friends have not found the right words yet, there are some wonderful women here who can help you through this painful process. Take care of yourself.

  5. #5

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    I wish i knew the magic words, my dh never came up with any, though i know he tried, it just seems that nothing said seems to help!!

    I am so sorry for your loss, i think the tattoo is a great idea, something i am still yet to do, still working on a design. Its so important to recognise this little baby, he or she was only here for a short time, but they will have a huge impact on you.

    Be kind to yourself, its understandable that you are feeling a tad out of sorts, are your children of an age that you can share with them what has happened, just so maybe they can understand just why mummy is soooo sad?? Maybe your dh needs to say the magic words of "Go take some time out babe, i will look after the kids, you do what you need to do, i will be in to give you a cuddle soon!"

    I wish for the miracle that everything will actually work out ok, and that the worst wasnt happening.... but if thats not going to happen, i wish you a speedy physical recovery and all the best sticky vibes for the future.

    Take care xoxox

  6. #6

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    i am so sorry for your loss. i wish your dh or i or someone had the right, magical words to say -- but i'm not so sure they exist. let your grief come out as it will, because it will either now or in the future. be good to yourself if you can -allow those feelings to surface even if they are negative. may i ask what you have decided to name your little one? that is a good idea, i think. and the tattoo as well -- a permanent reminder of one of your children. big hugs to you, m

  7. #7
    Stolen's angel Guest

    Default Empty

    Well, today was the day. I went in for another scan, and the baby's heart had stopped. My husband was so sure I was just being a 'prophet of doom' that he didn't even go to the doctors with me. I was so sure that my baby was gone that I didn't eat or drink anything this morning in preparation for surgery. I had a d & c this evening, and got home an hour or so ago. The staff all commented on how calm and composed I was the whole time, from the scan through to the op, but afterward I just lost it and cried and cried. I feel this gut-wrenching loss of my baby, but also I feel I have lost some part of myself too. I am not the same person I was just over a week ago, and I am not sure I ever will be again.

    I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Watching my husband sleep this past week has made me so angry - how can he sleep when our baby is gone? I am crushed that I will never hold this child, and it will never hear me say how loved and wanted he/she is. Sometimes the vicious, ugly thoughts creep in - there are so many women out there intentionally aborting their babies, why couldn't this one that I love so much live? The stupid things that people say are really getting to me, even the seemingly inane ones such as 'next time you must make sure that you eat more healthily'. The implication being that I could have stopped this somehow. And if I hear one more time that is was 'for the best' or 'not meant to be' I am not sure I can be held accountable for my actions.

    The baby's name is Sasha Skye. As soon as I had found out that it was truly over I went out an bought a Winnie The Pooh notebook to stick my one precious scan picture in, and to write to my baby. It is a shabby second to the Winnie the Pooh bedroom I had planned

    The tattoo that I have planned will be in the form of fairy wings on my shoulders, with the symbol for the star sign that my baby would have been in the middle. My husband is having a dragon done at the same time, also for the baby.

    I did end up explaining to my 7 year-old daughter that mommy was so sad and angry because she had a very sick baby in her tummy. She has assured me that next time the baby will be perfect, and I do so hope that she is right.

  8. #8

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    I am really sorry that you have lost your baby. Sasha Skye is a lovely name.

    I hope that you find some healing, and feel able to talk about it with your partner.

    Take care,

    Kate

  9. #9

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    Hope you get some sleep tonight.

    take care,

    K

  10. #10

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    so sorry to read your post, my heart goes out to you as another of many who know and share your pain.
    that is a beautiful name you have chosen and a lovely idea with the notebook.
    I wish there was more I could say to help you heal.

  11. #11

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    I am so sorry you went through all that. I'll keep you in my prayers and send a cyber hug.

    I wish I had the magic words, too. All I can say is you're not alone, and you can come here to cry, vent and rant all you need to because we've all been through it too.

    It's wonderful that you're going to commemorate your baby that way.

    Be really good to yourself while you're body and emotions are healing.

  12. #12
    Stolen's angel Guest

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    I am shocked by how quickly my body has gone back to normal. I haven't bled at all since the morning after the d & c. My little baby bump is totally flat. Sometimes it feels like it was all a really bad dream.

    I am battling to get anyone to talk to me about it, everyone seems to have adopted this 'life goes on attitude' like maybe if they ignore it I will just forget.

  13. #13

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    so sorry to hear about your loss, sending you a big hug, just take one day at a time and it is ok to cry, we are all hear for you.

  14. #14

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    Hi Stolen's Angel
    I am so sorry for you loss, it is a heart wrenching journey for you and your DH. You will both grieve in very different ways, particularly you as you were the one carrying the baby. After all 3 of my m/c's I always felt like someone had whipped the carpet out from under my feet and I had fallen flat on my back. You start to plan things, like the winnie the pooh nursery, and then all of a sudden that road has a great big brick wall at the end of it and you stop so suddenly.
    We can all relate to what those people who have never been through any of this say and that is why so many of us are here, because each and everyone of us know what you are going through in some kind of way.
    Take care of yourself and your family.

  15. #15

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    It sounds like the people around you are at a loss for words. And some people just don't do well with emotional stuff.

    Is there anybody in your real life who's been through an obstetric loss? They might be a good person to talk to. Some hospitals have support groups, too.

    And of course, you can always talk to us here. Sending a cyberhug and wishing you all the best.

  16. #16
    Stolen's angel Guest

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    Well, it is 3 in the morning, and again I can't sleep. I hope I never see another sun rise ever in my life again.

  17. #17
    HH Mama Guest

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    Hi Stolen's Angel. I had a blighted ovum for my first bub in Dec after 6 months of TTC. I know eaxctly the feeling of people not wanting to talk about it, life goes on, you're too much of an emotional basket case to deal with, ey? It's not true!!! Not true at all. You say or scream whatever you need to. Dont feel bad about telling people you miscarried because they freak out. It's reality and it's grief. Your baby was real and precious. I hope your DH is there for you. It's a long long journey ahead and you can walk it however you like.

    My heart knows your pain....

  18. #18

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Stolen's angel View Post
    I wish my husband knew the magic words that would take away my pain.

    I have wanted a third child ever since my son was born four years ago. My husband was never keen on the idea until recently, I had to have my IUD surgically removed late last year, which was my first TTC shocker.

    I am/was 7 weeks pregnant now. Everything seemed perfect, I conceived first try, most likely on Xmas day. Last Saturday, the most unthinkable horror happened - I started to bleed. I have been bleeding on and off all week. My hcg has gone up, and I had an ultrasound that showed my baby's hear was beating on Monday. My gynae was fairly positive when we spoke to him last. This evening I started passing the tiniest little pieces of grey tissue, which I assume to be part of my baby. I think this one is not going to work out.

    I can't eat or sleep, and all I can do is think about my baby dying inside of me. I have turned into a demon mother, screaming all day and picking on the children constatntly. I am just so exhausted, I just want this to be over so that I can grieve and start trying for another child.

    I never thought this would happen to me, and my family's 'support' has been so clinical. I don't give a damn about nature's way, or how early it is - this is my BABY I am losing.

    I will always be this child's mother in my heart, and I know I will always think of this little one that couldn't be with me. I have chosen a unisex name, nothing too fancy, just right for someone who will never be bigger than a bean. I am going to have a tattoo for this little one, a permanent reminder on my body of the child that couldn't be with me.

    Thank you for reading my story.
    my heart goes out to you. i just had the whole works...a missed m/c at 9 weeks, only days after my 15yr old daughter left home screaming at me that she hoped i'd lose the baby, and most of my friends asking my why would i want another at 43? people don't realise that you know instinctively that yes, your baby is leaving your womb because it's just not viable, but it doesn't diminish the pain in any way when you loved that child BEFORE you even concieved it.

    this is your CHILD. you grieve however helps you, and don't listen when ppl tell you otherwise. i had a tattoo years ago after my then husband bullied me into a termination and it helped me even tho i never forgave him. my fiance and i planted a tree for ours, the joshua tree, right outside our bedroom window.

    we'll add you to our prayers. take care of YOU.

    karan

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