WDYT of this invitation??

Speaking of scary parenting and drug/alcohol issues....

DD just dropped this invite on my desk.

Hay you are invited to xxxx sweet 16th etc etc 8.30pm to 1am
Dress up as you you want to be blah, blah, blah and in bold BYO and if you don't bring you don't drink (no sharing). WTF?

So obviously it means alcohol, which bothers me but why can't you share? What is the deal there?

Anyway, I will ring the parents of this child and I'm sure they will give me enough info to keep DD at home.

My issue - why is alcohol the main focus of the night? What kind of parent promote drinking at a SIXTEENTH?

This is Dumb.

NB - I DON'T beleive teens should drink alcohol before they are 18, I have my views, they have been discussed on here before. I'm more shocked that a childs parents woudl allow this.

Unfortunately it is just the way it is. Lots of 16year olds drink and lots of parents let them.

I suppose in one way the parents were trying to be supportive of different parenting styles and saying OK if you allow your child to drink that is OK and if you don't want them to that is OK as well.

Its a really hard one and quite often drinks will be spiked (a friend had an incident recently where her 16year old sister took a bottle of "lemonade" to a party and it was discovered later that it was mainly vodka)

My advice is, if you really aren't comfortable with it don't let your DD go but this may be a slightly better environment to let her party because at least the parents involved are being open about it rather than hiding their head in the sand.

Another possibility is that you could volunteer to go along and assist as that way you would be better able to monitor your daughter and the behaviour of the other kids that are there.

my issue is the same as yours lulu - what the **** is with the promotion of, let alone allowance for alcohol at a 16th. I understand that some 16yr olds will drink and that some parents allow it but advertising a party in this way doesn't sit comfortably with me

the whole not sharing thing usually has to do with the fact that often there are people in the group that never bring but always want to be "part of the fun" so to speak or that is what I would assume on reading it - and people are sick of the "free loaders"

but as i said the fact that it is there in the first place indicates they plan on drinking and probably not in small quantities and this is my concern and not something i'd be comfortable with either

ETA - It didn't even cross my mind that the parents were trying to control the situation (even if naively) with the no sharing comment - I've obviously known too many "freeloaders" in the past LOL

Dumb :)

They probably say no sharing so that if kids don't BYO then they obviously aren't allowed to drink, trying to be wise IMO but its still stupid because as if kids aren't going to share. Its like trying to put out a fire with gasoline then wondering why there's an explosion... I'll leave it there or I could get offensive LOL!

Have you got an older sister/cousin/friend that could chaperone?

well considering its actually illegal to suplly alcohol to a minor even if it is on your own property i would seriuosly consider after having a chat witht he parents (ifs thats what you are planning on)

then taking the invite down to the loacl police station, they are becooming more and more fed up with what children are allowed to do lately so they may take notice and if they are aware it could inculde a visit beofre or during the party to the parents.

DD is 16 this year, I said she could have a party but now I'm shuddering.

I threw her the worlds BEST 14th party which was copied endlessley through the year, but that was then. Now what?? lol how do you throw a 16th? I was in hospital getting my tonsils out and I can't even remember any of the 16ths I went to - because I'm OLD, not because I was drunk at them....

LOL Lulu! I must be getting old too because I was trying to remember 16th's as well!

I know for sure that we would not have even considered drinking at a 16th

i can't remember too many either..

i don't think we had "sweet" sixteens too often - certainly not among my friends - it was more girls nights in, sleepovers, or dinner ..... none of which involved alcohol

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BYO and if you don't bring you don't drink (no sharing). WTF?

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while I dont like the idea of kids drinking before 18 either, maybe a beer with dad when they are 16 after a hard days work etc........

anyway I read this to mean if you dont bring your own drinks ou dont drink therefore lets say tom and jack, Toms parents give him drinks but Jacks dont the invite says tom can drink but because Jack didn't bring any he isn't allowed to have any, hence keeping the kids who aren't allowed to drink free from alcohol IYKWIM!!!

I think it's nuts and impractical regardless of views on under-age drinking. How on earth are the host parents going to keep track of who brought what and whose parents allow them to drink and whose don't? This puts too much responsibility on the kids NOT to share. Great party where half are allowed to drink and half aren't! Just won't work.

My SD who is no angel decided for her 14th that she wanted to go to a coolish indian restaurant with no parents allowed. They were allowed to take their own CDs and there was a bit of a dance area and we knew the place didn't serve alcohol and presumably wouldn't a whole lot of drunk teenagers on hand. Plus they promised to not allow anyone in who wasn't invited. And she told us that she was making everyone pay the $15 three-course banquet so we didn't need to worry about paying anything!

I was quite surprised at her lowkey choice given that a lot of her friends parents spent quite a few hundred dollars hiring out reception places. So we let her do her own thing and her dad picked her up at 11pm and there were no dramas.

TBH I think the whole party thing is overdone. Kids don't need to have a party every year and I think they feel the pressure too of having to think of something ever more wonderful than their friends.

Hello
I faced this delemia on the weekend just gone my 16 year old dd an invite to a supervised alcohol friendly 16th birthday!!! I ended up saying yes to the invite but with 3 rules I drop off i pick up and NO DRINKING we also told her we trust her and if this trust was broken things would change. She went her friends drank got sick and she came home told me how dumb they were and how drinking just causes fights (this is how party ended with police) This time it worked out ok but im dreding the next invite. I think if we drop off and pick up they cant get away with drinking without permission as we could tell. so if they follow a few limits and definatly NO SLEEPOVERS and give us reason to trust them then i think this is a good introduction to partys with alcohol.

ok, you might all hate me here - but i think the parents are being pretty responsible by doing what they're doing. i guess they're looking at NOT being there to supply or allow others to supply alcohol to another child and trying to maintain a degree of control of the situation. the hope would be that, if the kid turns up with alcohol, then the parents know about it. i know that won't ALWAYS be the case - but i'll be upfront and say i've had younger friends (15-18) come to my place and drink - when the parents have said it's ok - if the parents haven't told me directly - there is no way in hell alcohol will pass them lips!!

i was the youngest in my group of friends by about 12 months, so when i was 16 they were all turning 17. my parents allowed me to drink with them, on the proviso i only drank what they supplied - it took me ages to drink a bottle of grog cos there was no "thrill" with sneaking around. my friends, who's parents allowed them a small amount of alcohol, didn't binge drink - the ones that were forbidden were the ones that lied about where they were going, and would get older friends to buy for them - they were the ones that wrote themselves off completely - half the time i'd just stop drinking at all and go home cos they were making idiots of themselves....

i'm not saying that a birthday party invite should be worded the way it is - and lulu i completely understand your concerns and why you're contemplating not letting DD go - i'm just thinking that it is good that the parents are taking a degree of responsibility for what is happening in their home....

If that's what the no-sharing rule means I get it now, although I totally disagree with allowing alcohol at a 16th. It's a girl by the way, so it bothers me even more (am I sexist lol??).

I will ring the parents - only one of DD's other friends are going, so I might even talk to his mum too, it's more than likely I'll be doing the pick up/drop off anyway.

Hhmm, still thinking. I mean you have to give them a chance to earn trust....
She better stop being so snotty though, I feel like I have no idea who she is when she gets like that.

Im probably another one who's going to be shot for her views LOL but oh well here goes... although no one wants their children to drink until they are mature age (if 18 year olds these days are even mature anyway) but seeing as im still young i've seen the current generation and also i know from my generation teenagers REBEL... the more you dont allow something the more curious they get and the more they want to do it especially behind your back. Lots of mothers *think* they know their teenagers and their teenagers make their parents believe that they never do anything their not allowed to. Been down this road with my sister.. she swore black and blue she didnt drink at parties only water.. stupidly my parents believed her.. turns out she was doing acid. Some parents can be really neive. I know from personal experience when your told not to do something your going to do it as a teenager. I've seen it with my own eyes, i was allowed to drink from the age of 14 i would go to parties and cause i wasnt needing to rebel against anything i would quite happily sit and drink a few drinks and enjoy my night and then there were the ones who's parents explicity said NO to drinking who would majorly wipe themselves out be vomitting in the corner, making an arse out of themselves and losing their virginity. And this is at parties even with parent supervision. Either way, you can't wrap your child in cotton wool, they WILL drink with or without your permission, i just think if the trust is there they can do it responsibly and like i said there's alot of 18 year olds who are more immature than 16 year olds. This post isnt meant to offend anyone or start a fight.. just a pov from a younger gneration who knows what teenagers get up to in our era...

i agree with Briggst's girl...

from the teenagers perspective, when i was 15/16 i used to have a drink with my parents on the weekends (sometimes with my best friend over, we would have a great time with them!) and when all the 16th birthdays came around, they always bought me 4 cans to take (i never finished all four) i was happy, they were happy. i never got drunk and did stupid things, the main reason being.. i didnt want to make a fool of myself in front of mum and dad! i never wanted them to get a phone call saying 'Rach needs to be picked up.... blah blah'
i've always been really close with them(and still am), maybe thats why, i hope i have the same relationship with Krystal when she's older..

but then again, being the parent is different than being the teenager!!

I'm just wondering.... do the parents even know that this is what the invite says? It's possible that the invite was entirely the work (and therefore wording) of the soon-to-be 16yo girl!

Don't worry - us oldies also got up to mischief so it's not a recent thing. I was in pubs at 13 - not a lot to do in our town! But I'd only ever have two drinks and thought it was ridiculous when my peers would write themselves off at parties. I don't think it's about age, it's about why people are doing it. I was actually a very responsible drinker pre-18 because I was around friends and didn't need to prove myself. Then when I went to uni with a whole bunch of new people, different story and although it was now legal, I drank STUPIDLY because I was shy and booze was a way to control my nervousness.

Actually, I think it's realistic. Any gathering of 16 year olds is going to end up with people drinking - that's today's society whether we like it or not. I think the parents are accepting that this will happen and enforcing a no sharing rule is a good idea.

Although, I probably wouldn't have put the BYO bit on the invitation. I probably would have simply put no sharing of alcoholic drinks and left it at that.

It's realistic that they're going to drink but isn't it very unrealistic to think that they're not going to share?

Im actually a bit confused as to what the big deal is over them sharing?

Well, presuming we're talking about alcohol some parents will 'allow' their kids to drink booze and others won't. The host parents seem to be saying kids can bring alcohol but they're not allowed to share it with other kids whose parents don't want them to drink.

So how is this going to work practically? Are the host parents going to monitor who came in with alcohol and who didn't? What if they see a kid sharing whose not meant to have alcohol? Who is held responsible if a kid gets drunk who promised their parents they wouldn't drink? Is it the hosts' 'fault', is it the kid who shared their alochol's fault or is it the kid who took the alcohol for breaking their promise?

I just don't think it's very practical.

This is a good point.. but will parents really be that nieve to send their children to a party thinking there wont be drinking?

Well not since the invitation makes it clear that they will. So that leaves parents with a choice - either my kid can drink and I facilitate that by sending them with booze OR I send them and tell them that even if a friend rocks up with booze they're still to say no because the hosts have said no sharing.

Bloody minefield I reckon.

Indeed it is.. although i dont see a problem if you trust your child etc.. BUT i think it's stupid if your going to send your child and say no alcohol.. cause once again it will be done whether they like it or not.. if your not comfortable with sending your teenager cause of the alcohol, then dont just send them saying not to drink.. dont send them full stop.

Absolutely kirsty lee - I think there's a difference between trust and putting your kid in a situation where there is so much temptation that it's actually unfair on them. But it does depend on the kid too and how they feel - I'm sure SOME kids could be trusted to say no and I'm sure others would be honest enough to say "look mum, I don't want to let you down but I'd actually rather I could just say to my friends that you're the big bad mamma whose put her foot down and WON'T LET me go so I don't have to make those decisions."

DH does security (occasionally) for a company that specialises in parties, the kids have their ID checked that the door, the get funky fluro wrist bands to indicate that they are on the guest list, there are strict rules for the consumption of alcohol. This company recommends that all parties are registered with the police.

Now, I have no issues with under-18s drinking, but I do have issues with under-18s being drunk (anyone being drunk tbh), and this would appear to be an "it's OK to be drunk" type of invite.

If there are 5 kids going then the "no sharing" thing may be OK, but to put it on an invite like that... hmm. I don't know, it just seems to be an alcohol party with no other activity. What happened to a weak punch and a sleepover, or a murder mystery game? Or a few songs on the CD player and people dancing and playing swingball in the garden? Can't you tell I went to wild birthday parties at 16 LOL.

LOL rosehip fairy.. you make my teenage days seem like i was a total deviant!! hahaha

IMO it is our jobs to be a pain in the a** to our teenagers. We need to set the boundaries because hindsight is 20:20. We've all been there and done that and seen that not everyone gets through the teenage years unscathed.

I know one girl who isn't having a 16th because her mum doesn't allow her to drink and knows that no one will want to come because there is no alcohol. Her mum always rings the parents before she goes to the party and does the drop off and pick up. Lucky they have good communication and the daughter has seen what her friends look like when they've had too much.

We've made it clear to our teenagers what we expect but no matter what state they find themselves in, no matter what time of night they can ring and we will come and get them. My dad's rule was you can drink but don't get drunk which, of course I did and then didn't feel I could ring him to get me coz I would get in trouble (teenage brain remember;))

Have you spoken to the parents yet?

I was talking to friends that had only 3 people turn up to there daughters 16th because there was no drinking. They were totally happy with that, and I would be too. Which is why dd can go out to a resturant (top idea fionas!) with a few friends for her 16th. I would rather they do something more age appropriate than fall about watching friends throw up all night. Like learing to function in an adult evironment, by learning manners and social skills.

Why does drinking seem to be the only "rite of passage" into adulthoood??????

P.S - haven't rung yet, will soon.

BYO and if you don't bring you don't drink (no sharing).

Not that i agree with a 16th and drinking thing but atleast if you send your child to the party then you know that they will not be drinking as there is not sharing. (well hopefully). Not that i would let my daughter or son go. It does sound a little responsible of parents. I just can't believe how young children drink these days i was 18 and i am not that old to think that times change sooooo quickly these days.
This is my opinion and it was not put here to offend anyone else's opinion.
Thanks Nikki

I concur wholeheartedly with Lulu2.

I have a problem with parents condoning underage drinking, combined with condoning the fact that one needs to drink (translate "get ****ed" - because a 16 yr girl lacks awareness of impact, sorry) to be able to "have a good time".

YES - these things go on. YES - that is what a lot of the kids are doing now. But what message are we sending out to kids to merely be throwing up our hands and saying weakly, "oh well, it is going to happen anyway".

My husband is an ER doctor and has seen SEVERAL DRUNKEN teens coming in to his department - often accompanied by moronic parents who say, "We don't understand. It was only ONE bottle of rum we supplied!" He has seen teenage girls, inebriated, and found NAKED in parks - again, with bewildered and naive parents who have been shocked at the prospect of perhaps being treated for possible STDs due to sexual interference in such a state.

Where does one draw the line? Do we, as parents, allow drug taking in our homes next? The old "Better under MY roof" excuse??

Tracy

Right ON Lady Penelope (and welcome to BB newbie!).

This is precisely why I feel this way. I went to a Drug and Alcohol info evening at DD's school, and learnt a hell of a lot about what is going on now, the price many teens are paying and how little these effects are being publicsised as they should.

The evening was run by an ER nurse who felt the need to contribute this way and even she admitted she thought that "allowing the kids to drink at home" and/or supplying under 18s' was Ok until she saw the effect for herself every weekend.

SO I really don't want to debate about the rights and wrongs of it all, I know how I feel. It gets a little harder when you need to actually enforce these beliefs....

is it possible that the parents are not aware what went out on the invites?? i certainly wouldn't have shown my parents my invitation to my party, but at the same time, we wouldn't have been allowed to drink at 16 anyway (although we did)...

i was never really officially allowed to drink when i was under age (but you would shudder to hear the other things i got up to in my room, much worse than alcohol)... anyways, while my parents wouldn't allow it, other parents would, the difference being, the parents who allowed it to happen, although not necessarily thrilled about it, had a lot more control over their kids and insight as to what was going on, whereas my parents had no clue (well they did, but had no way to broach the subject as i denied it)... while allowing kids to drink underage is obviously not ideal, there are significant benefits to being open to it, as it is in a controlled environment with an adult around who can monitor and make sure things stay safe... the alternative alot of the time is kids drinking in dodgy places like parks with who knows what lurking, and also approaching complete strangers to buy them alcohol..... i know what i would rather.

Interestingly, both myself and my sister were allowed to drink underage (me from 10 months, which I VERY MUCH disagree with).

I think that a glass or two of wine with a meal is nice (that has been cut back a LOT over the last couple of years!).

My sister thinks that there's no point doing that, what's the point of drinking and not getting drunk. She was getting trashed in pubs from age 14 and that was OK.

I hope to bring my son up to drink the odd drink for the taste and not get drunk. If he cannot respect that, I will say (and mean) no alcohol - even grounding him to stop him going out and getting drunk. It's not always if you're allowed to or not, but how the parents deal with it.

You can't say one stance is better than another, it all depends on the child AND the parent. While I don't mind the odd drink, Lulu does and that's the point of the thread, not whether she should relax her stance on alcohol.

At least by putting it on the invite, they have made parents aware that there will be alcohol there - I would feel misled if there was always going to be alcohol there but I had not been informed about it.

I dont agree with it (underage drinking) by the way, and I come from a family where we were allowed to drink (a little) at family occasions, and and family friends' houses/parties since mid high school, so I guess 15 or so for me.

I neber got really hammered but I can remember som of the things I did and comtemplated doing well enought to not want my kids drinking underage IYKWIM.

In fact I think the legal drinking age in Australia should be raised..

Coming into this late but wanted to say I absolutely agree with you Lulu. I haven't made a secret of the fact that my DD has had her demons with drugs, and from all we're been through, I know alcohol was very much the gateway addiction for her.

I had parents who not only allowed us to drink underaged, but used to always say they'd rather we drank at home where they could keep an eye on us than outside where they wouldn't know what we were doing. Our home eventually became the place where all our teen friends came to get drunk. Since then, all my siblings have had our demons wih alcohol, as it was very much a part of our lives for so long and therefore 'normalised'.

I do not allow my kids to drink at home, but my older kids regularly went to friends' homes where those parents decided to usurp my parenting role by supplying them with alcohol. I don't think it's up to someone else's parents to set bounderies for my kids. It was also with this group of friends that my DD was introduced to marijuana, portrayed to her as an 'edgier, cooler' way to get high, and pretty soon it was all about looking for that bigger, better high, and down the slippery slope she went. Don't get me wrong, she holds much of the responsibility for her addiction, as do I, but I'm frustrated by the 'normalcy' with which alcohol consumption is viewed by many teens and their parents.

Now I know that not every child gets addicted, not every child will have problems with alcohol in later life, but there is definitely a frustration as a parent when you're undermined by other parents who insist this is 'just something kids do'. Speak to any parent of a drug or alcohol addicted child, and the idea of saying 'it's just what they do' sounds like a poor excuse for allowing something that by law, you're not supposed to allow.

Reality or not, making drinks available to kids, or even saying it's okay for you to drink here, normalises something that should not be normal at that age. If you believe it's the best thing for your family, then go for it, but please don't assume that it's the best thing for my child, and do not circumvent the boundaries I've put in place in the process.

Lulu I had my DD's 16th as a pool party (before the drugs), and 16 people turned up of the 16 I invited. I think any kid who doesn't turn up because you're not condoning alcohol is a kid you don't want around anyway. And as for this invite, if it was me, I'd speak to the parents and if they're allowing alcohol, I'd probably be having a long discussion with DD about why she can't go.

Who wrote the invitation? Was it the parent or the 16 year old? If it was the parent Mabe"no sharing" means they will leave the decision of who will be drinking up to the other parents. If it was the 16 year old, I think "no sharing" means I will get my hands on as much alcohol as I can for myself so I'm not sharing as I want to get blind drunk. Why are parents condoning illegal activity anyway? I know that 16 year olds drink, I'm sure I did, but not with the approval of my parents. Whats next, do the kids start pulling out their crack pipes and smoking and Mum and Dad say it's ok because everyone else does it and we like to see what our children are doing. I may be a bit harsh but where are the morals and values here?

I think it's a bit full on to be honest- it does ring a little like the implication is binge drinking. I am not against 16 year olds drinking in supervision as it seems sensible to me. But couldn't the parent's make a weak punch or something and everyone gets one or two glasses and that's it... I dunno- they would need all the parents to know about that too of course but at least they wouldn't be encouraging binge drinking.

Hi Lulu,

Hope you don't mind me dropping in and saying my bit.

Ok, so I don't agree with underage drinking AT ALL (in fact, I think the legal age should be 21, once their bodies ... and minds ... have [theoretically] matured).

That said, I was one of those allowed to drink alcohol at a young age (first drink of Southern Comfort at 12). From 16, my parties included alcohol. And on the invite it would say BYO and no sharing... which mum and dad used to make me write so that other parents would feel better about sending their child if they didn't allow him/her to drink. My parents would also monitor who brought alcohol, the alcohol was kept inside in an esky next to where they were, and if you wanted your alcohol you'd have to go in and get it (of course, once the drinnks got outside it was another issue... lots of sharing lol!), but basically my parents decided that was pretty much all they could do...

To be honest though, and even though I don't agree with underage drinking, its unrealistic to think they won't drink at all, ever, and pretty irresponsible to keep them away from alcohol until the day they turn 18 and then let them go out and go wild with it. I've seen a lot of people from high school go that way, and go completely stupid on alcohol as soon as they were able too. But of course what can you do? Damned if you do damned if you don't really..... respect for alcohol and responsibility with drinking alohol needs to be taught more as some kids just don't know what it can do, only that it makes them laugh loads and makes their friends do really funny things (until someone gets hurt...).

Sushee..... I'm really glad you were can share your daughters struggles with us... I also had my own struggles with, among other things, alcohol, which i do take responsibility for as I choose my actions, but it makes you think about how people view alcohol, and my own sister struggles with alcohol as well (she just turned 20 and has liver damage already :() and I have to wonder if its because to us it was seen as normal... as well as always seeing 'drink to get drunk' view of alcohol... that if you weren't drunk then you weren't drinking 'properly'. I think if you don't want your daughter to drink at all (and she probably will have even a little at parties like this) put your foot down, but don't just say no. Say no, because... and give her a little education on why you don't want her to go. Why you don't want her to view alcohol as a past time.
P.S. Jo+3... there not so far off there...

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Whats next, do the kids start pulling out their crack pipes and smoking and Mum and Dad say it's ok because everyone else does it and we like to see what our children are doing.

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As this is the attitude my parents had (as long as you do it at home and I know what your doing just in case something happens etc etc) and also my parents friends.

But you know I respect you as a mum Lulu and you'll make the best decisions that are right for your daughter. It's not easy, and I'm not really looking forward to parenting teenagers let me tell you!!!!!