DSD not using sanitary protection

I am in need of a bit of help. DSD is having her second period and both this time and last time she has mostly not worn the pads or tampons I have bought for her. She just chucks the very bloody clothes in the dirty washing basket.

She also doesn't wear them at her mother's house either(she lives with us). Her mother and I have both spoken to her (separately) about how important it is.:wall:

I have bought her about 6 different types to try and find which one she likes. I also got her mini tampons and 10 pairs of dark underwear.

How can I make her wear them?

DH has suggested that we get her do wash everything herself, but I am more concerned that she will bleed through her clothes at school and others will see. She also doesn't seem to grasp that it is a hygeine issue.

HELP!!!!

Has she said why she doesn't want to wear them? I didn't use tampons for years cause I was too scared to put them in... but super thin pads were always fine.

Saslia, may i ask how old she is?

Its very stranget hat she wouldnt want to use them, has she tried at all?

Sooner or later she will have a heavier period and it will all leak through on her school clothes poor thing.....

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Has she said why she doesn't want to wear them? I didn't use tampons for years cause I was too scared to put them in... but super thin pads were always fine.

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She just doesn't like wearing any of them.

She has super thin ones, normal ones, with wings, without wings.......I can understand the not wanting to use tampons

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Saslia, may i ask how old she is?

Its very stranget hat she wouldnt want to use them, has she tried at all?

Sooner or later she will have a heavier period and it will all leak through on her school clothes poor thing.....

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She is 12 1/2 (13 in August)

She wears them sometimes but not at others.

They already are heavy enough and going through her underwear and clothes, That is one of my big worries.

Yikes that's an interesting one! I could only imagine the kind of embarrassment I would have if I leaked period blood on my clothes. The girls I went to school with would have found it hysterical to point it out! Perhaps she doesn't feel that peer thing as yet.

Would making her clean her own clothes help. Wonder if standing her at the laundry trough with her knickers and a bar of soap and scrubbing brush would help persuade her.

Another thing could be loss of privileges but that seems a bit harsh.

Maybe if the issue is discomfort you could see if she likes the cloth pads but it's a lot of money wasted if she doesn't use them.
Is there anyone else you can enlist? A family friend or funky aunt?

Poor thing, she is the same age as i was! Is she even in high school yet?

I was in year six and it totally freaked me out, i couldn't tell anyone!

dach's idea of a funky aunt is good - if this isnt an option, do you know of any teachers at her school who could say something? Or an older cousin, someone under 25??!!

Ewww!!

I would tell her she HAS to wear them!! If she doesn't she can lose priviages!! I think that is what I would do if it were my DD.

Also sounds like she needs to learn a little more self worth... dunno

Ohh what a tough situation..for everyone!!

Maybe deep down she is embarassed about the whole period thing and doesn't want to wear a pad or similar as she doesn't want to recognise what her body is going through..It just seems a bit odd that she won't wear one just because she doesn't like wearing them..

I'm sure she'll change her mind soon..what a tricky situation for you..hope it sorts out soon..

Ok, I'd like to say, when I first got my period I didn't understand that when your period came it stayed for a full five days and you need to wear protection for that entire time...not just when you're bleeding during those days. Especially because the first few times I only had a very short period, and it was very stop-start. It was only when I bled through my clothes (humiliatingly) at school one day when one of the other girls (very kindly might I add) explained it to me. :redface::redface:

Perhaps you could also explain that the blood doesn't really always wash out completely and over time it will ruin her clothes? I also think that encouraging her to put them on to soak (when she does leak) and getting her to do that round of laundry through to foldingup and putting away will help her understand that there are real consequences.

I also suspect she might be in denial, or just doesn't want to mentally deal with it. She's pretty young still! Perhaps getting one of those puberty books and reading it through together and encouraging her to talk about her feelings might help.

Also where does she keep her sanitary products? If they are in the bathroom she may forget to take them to the toilet (assuming you have a separate toilet). Makes sure you have a stash in the bathroom, toilet and also in her room. Give her her own rubbish bin with little sanitary bags.

I really hope she over comes this

Good luck

Did someone actually show her what to do with them, or was she just given the packet of pads?

I think she should have to wash her clothes herself etc.

I must say I've had to keep on DD's back about rinsing her undies etc. My SDD was even worse, just chucking the knickers under the bed etc.

The one other thing is this - DD is 15 and would rather DIE than buy her own pads or have anyone else acknowledge that she has it at all. Perhaps she is still in denial....

this is hard i was so young too at the time didn't even know they existed i was almost 10.

if she is in denial it will be tough for her to accept but a little teesing from other girls if it seept through her clothing will open her eyes.
i agree with the own washing idea too. tough love my mum used to call that sort of thing. she will have to do her own washing sooner or later anyway.

and also maybe get her one of those teenage self help books. there are heaps around, facts of life books that help teach teens to be healthy individals but in a way they understand, any parent to a child is daggy and wouldn't understand in their eyes. i was looking at some in a book shop not too long ago, there was heaps about periods and cycles sex and boys and all sorts of things.

Good luck hope it works out

Has a teacher etc explained what to do with the pads at school? I can remember we were told what to do with pads at school (primary) which was a bit weird as (a) girls had to take their pads into the teachers' toilet to dispose of them and
(b) my mum hadn't told me about puberty etc!

If she's not understanding what to do with them when she's at her school, and at home, and out ... then that could lead to denial.

Much as I hate the products, maybe get her onto the Carefree etc websites that are aimed at young teens? They do have a lot of great info on there...

Oh what a tricky one. I think cover all bases:

1. Give her the 'what you're going through is normal' chat and show her how to use the pads. Tell her they should be comfy, if they're not, she's putting them on wrong.
2. Gently explain that everyone has accidents now and again and you don't mind washing her undies when that happens BUT not when she's made no attempt to wear a pad/tampon. Also explain that after a while blood smells and it will show through her clothes. When that happens, she is likely to be teased.
3. Tell her that if no pads are worn, those undies don't get washed and she will have to wash them herself. If she doesn't do this, eventually she will only have dirty undies.
4. Tell her that she will NEVER have to buy her own pads/tampons if she's embarrassed, that you are happy to buy them for her and she can keep them in her own room.
5. Ask her if she would like to come shopping and choose them (with you paying at the counter so no need for her to be embarrassed).

I do sympathise - my 14yo DSD did wear pads. Which she then left (used) on the bathroom floor. I'm sure Freud would have had a field day with that one!

OK, its a tough one, but its really important that someone get through to her on this. It is really unhygenic for her to do that - not only for her, but tell her to think of the people who have to sit on the seat she just got out of if she has leaked onto it - now I know seats are grubby but that is just downright grotty kwim?

Although I do understand the embarrassment of it all. I was just over 12 when I got mine and the first few times it was so uncomfortable to wear pads and I felt like everyone could *see* them because I was so self conscious of wearing them and back in those days there were no ultrathin alternatives. So I pretty quickly moved to tampons and coped with it all so much better. I was also very embarrassed and my dad only knew I had my periods when I was 13 and we moved towns (my parents were separated and I always went to mum to get pads etc - we lived with dad)

So her reasons for not wearing them I suspect would be 1 she is only 12.5yo and hasn't really *explored* herself down there yet (as most 12yo's wouldn't have I guess) and is completely unfamiliar with her vagina, hence probably being really scared of trying to insert a tampon - for the age old reason of 'will I lose my virginity' or will it be gross/dirty/naughty to put something in there kwim? 2 she is self conscious about wearing a pad like I was or 3 she just doesn't understand the whole concept of it all yet.

Teenage girls can be cruel and boys can be crueller still - tell her that she will more than likely never live it down if she did bleed onto her school clothes at school etc and that would be very hard to deal with on top of everything else. I really loathe having to take that road of almost belittling her, but it might be the only way to get through to her.

I'm pretty sure another member had a similar problem last year or the year before, maybe they could offer some advice as to how they combatted this problem. Goodluck!

Thanks for all the advice....I have spoken to her again.....we will see how it goes tomorrow:pray:

saslia

Just wanted to recommend a really good book that my daughter and myself have - called Girl Stuff, by Kaz Cooke. Check it out. Its fun, funky, and incredibly informative. on all sorts of stuff.

I have found it a great point of departure for conversations between my daughter and myself.

When my DD gets her period I'm planning to take her out to dinner to celebrate becoming a woman. I wish someone had done that for me. Another good book, Celebrating Girls. Love it.
Hope things improve.

I'd be tempted to encourage her into some counselling. Many girls grieve when they reach menarche, and do not deal at all well with their periods. (Sticks hand up.) There may be a rebellious denial in what she's doing. Lack of personal hygiene in that age bracket when it is to that extent can also be indicative of greater mental health issues.

I think in the meantime expecting her to do her own washing is perfectly reasonable and doesn't have to be done in a punitive way. Just, "It's really unpleasant for me to be cleaning up after you like that, so you'll have to wash your own clothes when you've got your period, I'm afraid."

Ladies, I'm sorry if this upsets any of you but I think by making her wash her own clothes b/c of this seems as punishment like" if you don't use these, then this will be your punishment",kinda like you won't listen to me or use what I'm telling you to then you can clean up your own mess, this is just my point of view and mine only.

Also my opinion again only mine is that maybe you can or her mum can show her how they work, maybe it's just she may feel uncomfy with them on, which lets face it they are.
I think tendernesss however frustrating it maybe, encouragement is needed, she's obviously frecked out about it so tenderness maybe the way to go. Ask her how she's feeling and see if any others (her friends) have theirs yet, maybe they can talk to her, she may feel better about that, more relaxed, cos she sounds confussed and scared.

Good luck honey.:hug:

Yes this happened to my best friend actually she is a step mum.
I'm sure the reason that the daughter wouldnt use them was denial;because the start of menses highlights many issues for them. All my girlfriend did was have a couple of talks with her to no avail and the birth mother did the same because she wouldnt use them at her house either. My girlfriend would find wrecked undies underbeds and stuffed in the back of wardrobes. My girlfriend just made sure there were pads everywhere. some in her bag discreetly, some in the toilet and some in the bathroom and some in her bedroom. eventually after a few cycles she succumbed and started using them,whether its because it was a natural progression or one of her peers at school advised her though i'm not sure. Maybe its just one of those gently gently issues. I personally dont think i would have the heart to make her wash her own clothes because if she is having trouble proccesing puberty i would think this might further heighten her embarrassment(only a guess),but she really is just a kid and i would think it would gross her out.As mums we tend to see and clean and do everything so for us it really isnt a big issue. A gross issue but for us mummys its just another chore. I previously used cloth sanitary napkins and hand washing is gross but it is a lot more funky and comfortable then disposable products but that again is just my own personal experience. my own daughter is 8 and she admires mummys pad stash as they are in her words cool-and yes i've had indepth talks with both my kids about everything from lactating to birth to sex to ejaculation to wet dreams and voice changes and pimples and hormones,and safe sex and bras and periods and mood swings. i think i covered all the bases without terryfying them. They are very interested in all the human body can do. As much as i dreaded these coversations they were all very gradual and very easy. I guess i have very QUICK kids that i didnt need to go over things constantly. But often i'll get the private one liner,like my son saying as he walks into the toilet"oh mum youve got your period!" "Does your tummy or back hurt?"I think he is great partner material for his dream girl when he gets older. Mr emapthy.

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Ladies, I'm sorry if this upsets any of you but I think by making her wash her own clothes b/c of this seems as punishment

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Have to admit, that's what I think too. And if she is feeling bad about it for whatever reason (teenagers have reasons that reason knows nothing of!), that might only heighten it. I'm sure there's some level of embarrassment and maybe denial about her period. Is she perhaps the first in her class or circle of friends to get it?

Seeing as she spends time between two households, do you know if her mum and her have an open/close relationship? Has anyone chatted with her about periods? And not just the biology, but the realities - as you get a little older they can become quite regular, for some women it gets a little lighter, after a while it won't be the big deal/inconvenience that it is now (although she might struggle to believe that one just yet). That might help take some of the bewilderment or discomfort out of it perhaps?

I'm not sure that I've said anything new, but hope you have a breakthrough with her soon.

I had only recently turned 12 when I first got my period. But to be honest, I wasn't embarrassed, more excited. I had to wear our neighbour's pads for the first day, then my mum bought Mini Tampons. She had the "this is all normal talk" with me, then she let me choose whether I wanted help with the tampons or whether I wanted to try for myself. i just followed the instructions (it had little diagrams) and didn't end up needing help. I never looked back and the next time I had to wear pads was after giving birth to DD ;-)
Now, that story won't help you. But I just find it hard to believe that your DSD is so embarrassed or in denial that she won't wear pads or tampons. Is she usually a very shy girl? I would definitely try and reason with her (hygiene, piossible leakage, extra work, etc.). She's old enough to understand. Had she been told about puberty and periods before getting her first?
If she claims she doesn't want to wear the because she doesn't like them, then I would ask her to specify: "What don't you like about them? How could they be improved?" to try and get to the root of the problem. Wouldn't walking around with bloody undies be very uncomfortable, too?
I found pads extremely uncomfortable, too. So maybe she might need some help with the tampons? I don't know how close you are with your DSD, maybe this is something her mother should help her with???

I hope you can sort this out.
Sasa

How did things go Saslia?