Lilah Grace- born still at 23 weeks 26/01/08
Hi all. Some of you may know my story, some of you may not. But I thought I'd write about my experience, think it might help to just get it all out.
I found out I was pregnant when I was only about 3 or 4 weeks in. At first the doctor thought I was about 8 weeks along (as my cycles are crazy and we were going by them), but after I went for an ultrasound and saw nothing on the screen (one of the scariest things I've ever had to experience, seeing nothing) I had to go and get blood test after blood test to see if my hcg was rising and to see how far along I was. Once we found out all was wonderful and my HCG was rising normally we booked in our first ultrasound. DH and I were still pretty nervous after having seen nothing on the screen the first time, but when we showed up and had the ultrasound done we saw a beautiful strong heartbeat!! We were ecstatic, as we hadn't been actively trying, but we weren't NOT trying either.
That afternoon when we got home I started to bleed. I wasn't in any pain but I called the doctor and she told me to come in immediately. She told me that I was probably having a miscarriage and booked me in for another ultrasound the next morning. We were utterly devastated. To see our little one and then so quickly lose her just seemed so unfair. The next morning we went very solemnly into the ultrasound room and the sonographer got to his job. Needless to say we were were in total shock when, sure enough, our little angel was still there, heart beating stronger than ever. The doctor said that it was sometimes known for women to have a bleed in early pregnancy. we decided our little one was just keeping us on our toes and was going to be a cheeky little one.
The moment I hit 6 weeks my morning sickness began. At first it was ok, I vomited a lot but it was bareable. Then the vomiting didn't stop. I couldn't get out of bed or wear any clothes as they would just make me feel even more ill. I was throwing up anything that went down my throat, including saliva. I was admitted into hospital, put on a drip and given some anti nausea medicine. When I got home and took the meds I threw them straight up. After a while I was re-admitted. The doctor tried me on several different medications as I was re-admitted again and again. Eventually they looked at me and said "There's nothing we can do for you, you should just go home, your baby is fine". I couldn't believe it!!
As a last resort I tried acupuncture, but it didn't help at all. Eventually I started turning yellow and couldn't stand up straight. I had lost 13 kilos and had huge black circles around my eyes. At this pint I was about 16 week. I was admitted into King Edwards Hospital and seen by all the specialists. They said my liver was failing and put me on steroids. 30minutes after my first dose I stopped being sick. I could even manage to eat a small cheese sandwich. We were so relieved, as I could finally start to enjoy my pregnancy. I had 4 friends around me who were all pregnant at the same time and due around the same time as our little one.
I finally started going out and catching up with friends, cooking, looking at baby clothes and nursery stuff. It was fantastic! I finally loved being pregnant! My little one kicked CONSTANTLY! But I loved it!!
We had a booking for our 20 week scan, we were a bit late (21 weeks) but it was all ok, we explained I'd been in hospital. When we arrived we went in and the doctor explained what we'd be seeing, and he started. There was our little one. Beautiful, big and kicking away ferociously!! I noticed that it was a bit dark around the brain and mentioned it to the doctor and he said "Yeas, there's some fluid there, a little more than I'd like to see, but we'll get to that" and he continued on. At the end he said he wanted the head doc to see us, so we waited. And waited. About an hr later we were invited in and the head doctor began. He mentioned that there was a lot of fluid on the brain, but I didn't really understand. I quickly dashed to the loo, and when I came back I could see my DH had been crying. The head doctor looked at me and just said "it's not good". I burst into tears. he began explaining to me but I honestly cannot remember a word he said! He booked us in to see another specialist sonographer the next day. As we left I got to the car park and just doubled over crying. I just didn't understand! Hadn't we been through enough? Hadn't our little one (a girl, as the doctor told us) held in and been so strong? What had we done to deserve this?
We went to the appointment the other day and as the ultrasound was happening, the lady explained that our little girl had what was known as "Hydrocephalus" which meant she had too much fluid on the brain and her brain hadn't been allowed to develop. What I thought were kicks was actually here having seizures, pretty much constantly. They said if she were to make it to full term there was no guarantee she or I would make it through labour, and that if she did she most likely would be able to see, speak, hear or walk. But they said it was our decision.
We were just in shock and over the next week we just kind of dazed through. Like it was an actual choice. We wanted our baby to have the life she deserved, and there was no way she would have anything close. We scheduled for me to go into the hospital and give birth on the 25th.
The birth wasn't was bad as I'd imagined it being. Mind you, I did have the epidural which was wonderful!
After she was born I just held her and held her and couldn't stop grinning. She was perfect. Beautiful. Looked just like a mix of dh and myself. She had no other problems aside from the hydrocephalus, and looking at her you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong with her. She just looked like a sleeping angel, with a cheeky grin on her face.
We spent 2 days with our "Lilah-bear", saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didn't want her to be scared, or think I was abandoning her. We went back and visited once more before they did her autopsy and I just grinned like a fool and cried and cried. When we left I just couldn't walk out the door, but dh said it was time to let her go, and that she'd understand.
Since then I've kinda put this constant block up. I can talk about it so easily as it feels like it happened to someone else. I sleep with her blanket every night, though, and her ashes sit by our bed with the bear we kept with her when we left the hospital. I'm heartbroken. There's no other word for it. I worry that people think I talk about her too easily, but that's just my way of coping. If I let myself feel it all all of the time, I'd never be able to get out of bed.
She's our perfect angel and we will always love her with all our hearts. We miss her everyday and hope she comes back to us soon!
