Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 18 of 23

Thread: Lilah Grace- born still at 23 weeks 26/01/08

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    White Gum Valley, WA
    Posts
    318

    Default Lilah Grace- born still at 23 weeks 26/01/08

    Hi all. Some of you may know my story, some of you may not. But I thought I'd write about my experience, think it might help to just get it all out.

    I found out I was pregnant when I was only about 3 or 4 weeks in. At first the doctor thought I was about 8 weeks along (as my cycles are crazy and we were going by them), but after I went for an ultrasound and saw nothing on the screen (one of the scariest things I've ever had to experience, seeing nothing) I had to go and get blood test after blood test to see if my hcg was rising and to see how far along I was. Once we found out all was wonderful and my HCG was rising normally we booked in our first ultrasound. DH and I were still pretty nervous after having seen nothing on the screen the first time, but when we showed up and had the ultrasound done we saw a beautiful strong heartbeat!! We were ecstatic, as we hadn't been actively trying, but we weren't NOT trying either.

    That afternoon when we got home I started to bleed. I wasn't in any pain but I called the doctor and she told me to come in immediately. She told me that I was probably having a miscarriage and booked me in for another ultrasound the next morning. We were utterly devastated. To see our little one and then so quickly lose her just seemed so unfair. The next morning we went very solemnly into the ultrasound room and the sonographer got to his job. Needless to say we were were in total shock when, sure enough, our little angel was still there, heart beating stronger than ever. The doctor said that it was sometimes known for women to have a bleed in early pregnancy. we decided our little one was just keeping us on our toes and was going to be a cheeky little one.

    The moment I hit 6 weeks my morning sickness began. At first it was ok, I vomited a lot but it was bareable. Then the vomiting didn't stop. I couldn't get out of bed or wear any clothes as they would just make me feel even more ill. I was throwing up anything that went down my throat, including saliva. I was admitted into hospital, put on a drip and given some anti nausea medicine. When I got home and took the meds I threw them straight up. After a while I was re-admitted. The doctor tried me on several different medications as I was re-admitted again and again. Eventually they looked at me and said "There's nothing we can do for you, you should just go home, your baby is fine". I couldn't believe it!!



    As a last resort I tried acupuncture, but it didn't help at all. Eventually I started turning yellow and couldn't stand up straight. I had lost 13 kilos and had huge black circles around my eyes. At this pint I was about 16 week. I was admitted into King Edwards Hospital and seen by all the specialists. They said my liver was failing and put me on steroids. 30minutes after my first dose I stopped being sick. I could even manage to eat a small cheese sandwich. We were so relieved, as I could finally start to enjoy my pregnancy. I had 4 friends around me who were all pregnant at the same time and due around the same time as our little one.

    I finally started going out and catching up with friends, cooking, looking at baby clothes and nursery stuff. It was fantastic! I finally loved being pregnant! My little one kicked CONSTANTLY! But I loved it!!

    We had a booking for our 20 week scan, we were a bit late (21 weeks) but it was all ok, we explained I'd been in hospital. When we arrived we went in and the doctor explained what we'd be seeing, and he started. There was our little one. Beautiful, big and kicking away ferociously!! I noticed that it was a bit dark around the brain and mentioned it to the doctor and he said "Yeas, there's some fluid there, a little more than I'd like to see, but we'll get to that" and he continued on. At the end he said he wanted the head doc to see us, so we waited. And waited. About an hr later we were invited in and the head doctor began. He mentioned that there was a lot of fluid on the brain, but I didn't really understand. I quickly dashed to the loo, and when I came back I could see my DH had been crying. The head doctor looked at me and just said "it's not good". I burst into tears. he began explaining to me but I honestly cannot remember a word he said! He booked us in to see another specialist sonographer the next day. As we left I got to the car park and just doubled over crying. I just didn't understand! Hadn't we been through enough? Hadn't our little one (a girl, as the doctor told us) held in and been so strong? What had we done to deserve this?

    We went to the appointment the other day and as the ultrasound was happening, the lady explained that our little girl had what was known as "Hydrocephalus" which meant she had too much fluid on the brain and her brain hadn't been allowed to develop. What I thought were kicks was actually here having seizures, pretty much constantly. They said if she were to make it to full term there was no guarantee she or I would make it through labour, and that if she did she most likely would be able to see, speak, hear or walk. But they said it was our decision.

    We were just in shock and over the next week we just kind of dazed through. Like it was an actual choice. We wanted our baby to have the life she deserved, and there was no way she would have anything close. We scheduled for me to go into the hospital and give birth on the 25th.

    The birth wasn't was bad as I'd imagined it being. Mind you, I did have the epidural which was wonderful!

    After she was born I just held her and held her and couldn't stop grinning. She was perfect. Beautiful. Looked just like a mix of dh and myself. She had no other problems aside from the hydrocephalus, and looking at her you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong with her. She just looked like a sleeping angel, with a cheeky grin on her face.

    We spent 2 days with our "Lilah-bear", saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didn't want her to be scared, or think I was abandoning her. We went back and visited once more before they did her autopsy and I just grinned like a fool and cried and cried. When we left I just couldn't walk out the door, but dh said it was time to let her go, and that she'd understand.

    Since then I've kinda put this constant block up. I can talk about it so easily as it feels like it happened to someone else. I sleep with her blanket every night, though, and her ashes sit by our bed with the bear we kept with her when we left the hospital. I'm heartbroken. There's no other word for it. I worry that people think I talk about her too easily, but that's just my way of coping. If I let myself feel it all all of the time, I'd never be able to get out of bed.

    She's our perfect angel and we will always love her with all our hearts. We miss her everyday and hope she comes back to us soon!

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    In my own private paradise
    Posts
    15,281

    Default

    thanks for sharing your story - and don't ever feel bad about being able to talk about your little girl - she is, and always will be, a part of your life - hiding your feelings away and pretending she never was just doesn't make sense

    good luck in your TTC journey - Lilah is surely watching over you, and will continue to watch over you and her baby siblings always

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,667

    Default

    Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful little Lilah.
    Sending you strength and lots of prayers.
    x.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    5,920

    Default

    Thank you for sharing your story of your daughter Lilah, she sounds like she was absolutely beautiful . And such a gorgeous name.

    I am so sorry she had to leave so early . Wishing you all the best in your new TTC journey.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Adelaide, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
    Posts
    784

    Default

    I'm so sorry to hear the passing of your beautiful baby girl Lilah Grace, my heart goes out to you and your hubby. Thankyou for sharing your story and I doubt that you could ever talk too much about her for she is a very important part of yours and your hubbys life!
    Snoopea

  6. #6
    Peach Guest

    Default

    It's so hard to know what to say when someone has experienced a loss like you have. Do not feel the need to explain or justify your actions to anyone as know one know what you have been or are going through unless they have walked in your shoes.

    Lilah is such a beautiful name and I am certain she know how much she is loved.

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Perth
    Posts
    2,088

    Default

    I am so sorry for your loss tutmae. I cant begin to understand what you are your DH are going through. What a beautiful name!

  8. #8

    Default

    RIP Lilah. May your princess look over you for life and know she loves you so much.

    I am very sorry for your DD's passing.

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    SE QLD
    Posts
    2,325

    Default

    thank you for sharing your story. Sorry for your loss, may she look after you from above.

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Funky Town, Vic
    Posts
    7,082

    Default

    Im a toughie but that had me in tears. I'm so so sorry xoxoxoxo

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    White Gum Valley, WA
    Posts
    318

    Default

    Thankyou so much everyone! Thankyou for all your beautiful comments!

  12. #12

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    In the Rainforest, FNQ
    Posts
    508

    Default

    I am so sorry you have been through all of this. You sound like and amazingly strong woman, I am in tears just having read your story so how you lived it is just too much for me to imagine.

    What a beautiful name you chose for your little girl. My heart goes out to you and your DH

  13. #13
    RubyRed Guest

    Default

    tutmae, thank you for sharing your story , I totally understand your need to talk about her constantly, you had 25 weeks together and she will never been forgotten , she will always be with you and so she should.

    My mother lost a baby at 6 months , I grew up knowing that I had a sister who was always there looking after me.

    Life can be devastating and I wish I had the words to help mend your broken heart

  14. #14
    stanas Guest

    Default

    Oh hun I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Hold onto the time you got to cuddle her as it's the most precious time in the world.

    We too have lost our daughter 2 months ago and you couldn't have said it better. When you saw her you were overtaken by a warm, happy feeling. None of my friends understand that, but I understand exactly how you felt.

    Take each day at a time and the teddy close to your heart.
    Stanas

    Ava Lesley, 9th May 08, 18 weeks 4 days

  15. #15

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Dapto, Illawarra...NSW
    Posts
    2,010

    Default

    I am so, so sorry that you lost your beautiful Lilah Grace. Please do not feel bad for finding it easy to talk about her, i think it is wonderful. My SIL lost her beautiful son at 20 weeks and we talk about him all the time. She finds it very comforting and wants us to remember him and use the precious name that she gave him when he was bought into this world that he was just too special for.

    My SIL now has a beautiful daughter who will grow up knowing she had a big brother and you will one day be able to hold your precious baby in your arms and he/she will have their very own guardian angel named Lila Grace watching over them.

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    262

    Default

    Oh Tutmae. I am sorry for your loss but that is a beautiful name you have given to your daughter.

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Down Under
    Posts
    1,625

    Default

    oh wow ur story is amazing, i am so sorry for your loss u had me in tears!!
    i found this poem ages ago and i think it fits perfectly
    An Angel from the Book of Life Wrote down the date of Lilah's birth And whispered as she closed the book "Too Beautiful For Earth"

  18. #18

    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    19

    Default

    DearTutmae,

    Firstly I am so sorry for your loss, your story is heartbreaking, I wish you all the best with your continued healing. You have been very courageous, and WE will never get sick of hearing about your little lilah grace.

    I also wanted to say with respect to your hyperemesis (extreme MS) I too have suffered from it and am just appearing out the other side of it for the second time. If you do decide to TTC again you should consider taking Zofran Zydis (ondansetron). I would not have survived my second pregnancy without it.

    The first time round (4 yrs ago) I thought MS was something you just had to endure no matter how bad it got. I really think without the drip in hospital, with the IV maxolon, I would have died from dehydration, followed closely by malnutrition.

    This time not even the drip/IV combination would stop me vomiting so my DR suggested zofran, which has NOT been used widely in pregnancy but mainly for chemo patients who also have dreadful nausea. So far it has presented no problems for those that have used it. (Not many people reach the extremes of MS like we have) What I can say is that for me it was a life saver, both physically and mentally. It never took the nausea away completely but it did allow me to take one first thing in the morning and then after an hour or so, get up, have something to eat and drink like there was no tomorrow until somewhere between 11am - 1pm when I would be back in bed with my bucket still very sick,but only about vomiting about 6times until the next morning, instead of at least 12. This was a big improvement for me and it at least enabled enough fluid and food in, to get me through till the next day

    I was on the minimum dose of 4mg and only once a day, and now at 17 weeks only take it every second day.

    Anyway talk to your doctor about it, there is also some info on the internet, but if you suffer as much next time round, like me, you may feel like it's worth a try.

    Good luck

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •