Help! I'm lost.

Hi all. I'm new to BB.

I've been married for 3 1/2 years. Six months ago DH and I decided to start TTC. After only 3 months we conceived, but at 10 weeks I started to bleed. I went to the hospital for a u/s and my baby was only 7w5d in size and there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C on the 1st of August.

I surprised myself by how many positive (or not entirely negative) things I could find in this situation: We have more time just the two of us....At least we won't have a child with a deformity/disability (although if I hear the "it's nature's way speech one more time, I'll scream)....I wasn't 100% sure I wanted kids, so now I know....I won't be heavily pregnant during the summertime....I'll be able to drink at my cousin's wedding....etc. Anything to make me feel better.

But none of it makes me feel any better.

Now I'm just really confused. I don't know anyone among our friends or family who have been through this. I can't make up my mind whether or not to try again. I keep telling myself I need to give myself time, but its so hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do get up, go to work and try to do the best I can (not easy when I spend a couple of days a week at a perinatal clinical trials centre). I feel lost...I don't know what I'm aiming/working for.

Then last night my DH (my darling, sweet, supportive husband) brings home the number for the employee assistance program at his work. Apparently they have a counselling service and his manager suggested we speak to someone. I don't really know why I'm so upset by that. Maybe guilt that I'm causing him worry...or shame that its so obvious I'm doing so badly that outsiders are suggesting we get help...or just so so tired of feeling like crap...

How do you mourn the loss of something the size of a paperclip?

:hug: I am sorry for your loss..

I have had 2 so I do know how you are feeling..

Hannah,

I can recommend the counselling. It may be your husband wants to talk about it, or hopes it may be a way you two can deal with it together. I know when we had counselling the sessions ended up being more about how we deal with each other than actually talking about our baby.

People mourn loss very differently, so however you're feeling is your way of dealing with things. If you're not sure you want to try again, give yourself some time until you do. There are many women on here who've had losses so don't hesitate to reach out.

Love Rozzie

Hannah - So sorry for your loss :hug: To answer your question - how do you mourn something the size of a paperclip, I guess you need to put it into perspective. Yes, that bub was tiny, but it was still your bub, a part of you and your DH. What you mourn is the lost dreams that you had for that bub and the family you become.

After I had my m/c, my GP actually said to me "you've lost a child" and he was right. For us, our little bub was a dream, we had TTC for ten long years, our close friend had been murdered a month before we found out we were pg, it was like a message from her, we had decided on our bub's name. We felt that bub was a girl and were already deciding how to fit her into our two bedroom home with two big brothers. We saw our bub's flitting heartbeat, our bub had also failed to thrive, at 8w, she was the size of a 6w.

Everyone grieves differently and there is no "right" or "wrong" way. You do what you need to for yourself. You will find that some days or just fine and others you just don't want to get out of bed or you'll find yourself crying over nothing. You'll look at pg women and wish that was you. Probably a good idea to talk to someone even to work out why you don't want to mourn.

Hi Hannah,
So sorry for your loss and welcome to BB. We all grieve differently, just let yourself feel whatever you may, anger, sadness. Maybe counselling will help you and your DH, even if it's just talking about your precious angel, it may help you both. Wishing you all the best.

Regards,
Dianne

Thankyou all for your kind words and support. Yesterday was a really bad day. Today I feel a little sheepish for whinging when I look around BB and see so many women who have/are experiencing their own losses. Especially those who have lost more than one. My Mum knows of a woman who has had 8 m/c and is now pregnant with #9. She's still smiling and sometimes I wonder, why can't I?

I guess it just comes down to the fact that a loss is a loss is a loss. But today I think I just might be able to smile.

That's it Hannah - a loss is a loss and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. It's not a competition - pain is pain pure and simple. Take heart from the other women on here and draw strength from their experiences. I hope you can smile today sweetheart.
:hug:
Adele

Hannah, Chin up sweets I can't say I know what you are going through but maybe you and you DP need to talk to someone about this! It might make you feel better!

I agree with the above posts. I haven't been where you are, however I do know that counselling is there to help normal people who are dealing with stressful events...they will help you with stategies to help you both grieve individually and as as couple. It is worth it - not an overnight cure, but it will help.

Thinking of you:hug:

Adele (dellydoo), I read your story and I too am sorry for your loss. I'm sending lots of :hug: right back at ya! I've been a bit teary today (especially after reading your story), but I have been smiling too.

I thought that today I might get a tattoo to remember my little one. I already have a guardian angel tattooed on my shoulder that I got after my dad died. I'm smiling as I try to picture the look on my husband's face when I tell him.

What do others do to remember their little ones?

HannahD,

In July last year my partner and I lost a baby boy due to a heart condition. It took me roughly 8 months to acknowledge that I wasn't ok and certainly not dealing with the situation very well. I ended up going to talk to a physcologist and surprisingly it felt good. Obviously it did not take the pain away but it made it easier to think about his death and I also found myself doing things that I would normally never do.

Even to this day I still shed a tear but I am lucky enough to have great support and a great physcologist who does not mind listening to me carrying on about life.

I am really very sorry for your loss. Obviously a physcologist is not right for everybody but just remember it is ok to talk to about it and it is certainly ok to cry.

By the looks of it you have got plenty of shoulders to cry on in the forum.

Thank you Hannah, I hope today is better for you. It is grey and raining here in Brisbane which suits my mood. It is actually a great thing as we are in drought - damn silver lining mentality.
I spoke to a counsellor yesterday and am going to go and see her soon. In your first post when you mention the size of a paperclip, that might be a way of minimizing what you feel.
You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to grieve darling.
All the best
Ax

hello,
There are so many hoops life can toss us through.
Your loss now will make you value your next childs life all the more, even if you thought that was impossable.
When the day comes, you'll hold your little bundel and more then likely think....
wow your here, safe.
Nothing going on around you will matter (apart from hubby crying, for some reson?)
Who said grown men don't cry.

Well the sun is shining in Adelaide today...so its kind of hard to feel miserable.

I lost my dad when I was 13. My mum keeps trying to help by telling me that I got through that so I can get through this, but its just not the same. When I lost my dad there was a definite void, a personality to miss, but I had lots of memories to cherish too. Losing a baby at 10 weeks just isn't like that. There is no physical void. Since this was my first pregnancy, in many ways our life is just as it was before I was pregnant. But I'm not the same. I think I'm taken by suprise at how quickly I felt like a mother. And just as quickly, I'm not one.

Anyway, it took me 8 years to really deal with my dad's death. Even now I think I'm still dealing with it. I guess you kind of absorb the experience so that it becomes a part of you. There's no putting it behind you. Over time the ache gradually fades. Its only been 5 weeks since I lost my little one (I'm sure he was a boy). I just need to give myself time.

I'm so grateful to you all and BB for giving me a place where I can talk about it with people who understand.

Reply to: What do others do to remember their little ones?

I live life that little bit more, its what they'd want..
Yes cry, but don't let it eat you.

well it's miserable in brisbane and i really wanted to go for a drive, humm fish and chips by the bay. (in the rain?)

Dear Hannah,
It is horrible to hear of your loss, I hope you are getting by ok. As for the counselling, it won't hurt.... I wish I had of had some after my first loss when it was offerred. I thought there was no way I needed it, that it was for 'crazy' people.
You must remember that you are a mum, you just don't have your baby here anymore. Its up in heaven now with all our angels as well.
I know what you mean about the 'Its for the best' or 'nature is just doing its job' comments. I still get people saying them too me now, even after so many losses. And you do belong here just as much as women who've had multiple miscarriages etc. We're all here to help and listen. I don't believe in keeping these things hush hush. All my friends turn to me first for pregnancy advice.
I have a book (just an blank art book with that I've covered) that I have details of each pregnancy and things I had from the hospital & test results for my angels. I look at it every so often and get a bit teary. I have a seperate one for my 2 year old daughter, with all her birth records etc in it. I get a bit sad leading up to their due dates, one is in about 5 weeks from now. I also talk about them a lot and have a laugh with my husband.
I wish you the best of luck in the future :goodluck:

Thanks LittleOne. I'm starting to give myself permission to feel what I feel. My DH gets so upset when I cry that I feel guilty for distressing him. But he just holds me til it passes and thats all I need really.

The hospital offered me the u/s pic but I said no - it seemed kinda morbid. Now I wish I had it, just as evidence that my baby was here for a short while. My Mum and DH just looked at me funny when I asked if the hospital would still give it to me. I guess all that matters is that we hold our little ones in our hearts - not much else to do.

God it feels good to know there are people out there who get it!

Hannah - phone the hospital and ask if you can still get the u/s pics. Trust me, if they can they will get them for you and they will understand.
Whatever you need to do to get through this is OK.
Hugs
Adele

Hi Hannah,

I know what you are going thru, I thought I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant but lost our baby at 7 weeks 4 days.My thoughts are with you x

Thanks kittycat. I'm so sorry for your loss :hug:. If you need to talk at all I am here. I wish it weren't so, but our stories are so similar.

Hi,

I think you are probably indecisive because you are grieving and thats ok.

Allow yourself to grieve, its very important.

Try talking to a counsellor if you can. Otherwise talk with your DH.

When you have had a bit more time you will know more what you want to do.

I spent the first month pretty much crying (19wk loss) and then i knew exactly what i wanted to do and went for it. I was pregnant again a few months later.

Its important you allow yourself to feel the feelings you have though. Very important.