Precious Angel

Last Tuesday my obstetrician sat on my bed and said "You are going to have a baby today". I always thought I would hear those words in the midst of an amusing story that you can then relate to your family, friends and children - when DP took you to the hospital and you had your beautiful baby. But No.
My waters broke on Sunday 2 weeks ago when I was 17w 4d. We were told that I had lost most of my fluid and usually mothers went into labor within 72 hours - our chances were less than 5%. I have never seen my DP cry but we both lost it when we heard this. Our first child after 3 rounds of IVF - surely they could be wrong.
I was put on total bedrest and was monitored every 4 hours. I have to say the staff at Mater Mothers - Antenatal in Brisbane were just the most amazing people they held my hand, cried with me and could not do enough for the fretful woman in room 902.

Still in hospital, I went to bed on Monday night alone as DP had flown back to Sydney for work. I woke at 2.30am desperate to go to the bathroom. There was bleeding and I was in pain. I tried to convince myself it was nothing and even tried to go back to sleep. I let the nurse know but tried to make it sound less serious than it was. We both knew.
At 6.30am I was in true pain and my obstetrician was called and she said those fateful words.
Charles James was born at 4.45pm 26/08/08. He was perfect and even though he was so tiny you could see he would have looked like his father.
The last week has been a blur - I had to drop out of Uni (I left a high stress job to start studying when I found out I was pregnant) and I honestly do not have a clue what I want to do with my life.
Today has been hard and I made sure I was asleep for 4.45pm.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family but sometimes I find myself wondering if anyone gets how painful this really is.
I just needed to write this today.
Thanks
Adele

Dellydoo- So so sorry to hear of your loss, really teary reading your story. Unfortunatley there are ladies on this site who know the pain you are feeling. The ladies on here are really supportive and i hope they can help when you need a shoulder. I had 2 m/c last year and know how hard it has been to cope, although its nothing like what you have been through. Take care :hug::hug:

I'm so sorry to hear of your angel Dellydoo. take as much time as you need - no one expects you to make life changing decisions in the midst of so much pain

thinking of you hun

BG

I am so so sorry. :hug:

Adele - I am so sorry for the loss of your son. No, a lot of people don't really get it. They try but unless they have been through the experience the depth of the pain you feel is only something they can imagine. I am pleased you do have the support of family and friends. That is so important at this time.

Unfortunately, there are many of us who do understand the depth of your pain and the devastation of your loss. Please feel free to join us in the forums and take care of yourself :hug:

:hug: know i am here if ya need to talk :hug:

Thank you ladies it is strange how comforting it is to know that your pain is shared. It was beautiful to open this page and drown in a sea of hugs and support. It is so cliche but actually thinking that if I take it one day at a time I just might get there.
I spoke to a wonderful girlfriend today who gave me the same advice she gave me when I was getting divorced 4 years ago; Whatever you need to do to get through this is OK.

Love
Adele

Hi,
So sorry to hear of the terrible loss of your son Charles James. There are many of us here on BB who have angels. Sending you lots of :hug:. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne

Hi. Your story is so sad and really hits home with me, hearing those terrible words "you are going to have your baby tonight". It is such a hard thing to go through and you will find lots of support here. Do what you need to get through it, for me it was by not talking about it with my insensitive in-laws and not talking about my next pregnancy until i was nearly due. (sounds strange but what i had to do).

For me it is 2 years on and although I never forget, it has gotten easier with time. My subsequent preg was scary, but I got through it. Do you have a cause yet? I never got a reason, but went on to have a healthy bub.

best wishes. cry as much as you need.

Waterlily
I read in your signature of your loss at 19 weeks and it my heart lifted to see your subsequent success. I know what you mean about not telling people. Everyone tracked our IVF journey and was with us for the ups and the downs and so excited when we announced the good news. I think we will be keeping things under wraps next time. Please God let there be a next time :pray: :pray: :pray:
A

Adele I'm so sorry your precious Charles passed away :hug: I hope you find the support and momentum to step into the future.

Dear Adele,

I am so sorry on the loss of your beautiful angel Charles James.

It broke my heart to ready your story.

:hug:

xxx Sue xxx

Ladies - today has been a better day.
Thank you so much for your beautiful support. I climbed one Everest today - I went out for lunch with my heavily pregnant friend whom I love to pieces but have stayed away from because it felt too hard. It was my first time out for any significant period and only had a few meltdowns.
I went back to see me acupuncturist today and feel so much more relaxed after an hour with him.
Cannot fight the demon grief so I have decided to give it a comfy chair when it arrives so we ride out the storm together.
Love to you all.
Adele

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Charles James

take care
Emma

I am so very very sorry for your loss. Just take your time and cry when you feel like it - you don't have to be strong for anyone - just know all the ladies at Belly Belly would like to wrap you up with :hug: right now.

Thanks Lissie - considering I have spent the entire day in the fluffiest robe I can find I reckon I have been hugged all day.
Thanks you wonderful ladies!
Adele

that is so unfair i am so sorry, omg now im crying:hug:

I get your pain Adele. Glad you found the TTC thread. Stay with us, grieve with us and heal with us.

Thanks Hammi - today is going to be a better day!
Beautiful Madness - I did not mean to make you cry sugar!
Hugs
A

Adele,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little man Charles James.
Please know I am here for you if you ever need to talk, vent, cry or scream.
You're very right in taking it one day at a time. Allow yourself time to grieve and to do whatever feels right. For me, I screamed into my pillow until I was purple in the face, I cried until I felt sick, and I didn't leave the house or talk to anyone. That was my way of dealing with losing Noah. We all grieve differently, but as you said, you can't fight it, just ride it out.
Thinking of you and keeping you in my heart.
Lisa

Thanks Lisa

Honey, did you get any answers? I am sweating on the results of the investigation. Did you have a cerclage for your next pregnancy. Sorry if it is painful to ask, all I can think about is getting pregnant again.
Thanks
A

Welcome to Belly Belly Adele - I am so sorry to read of the loss of your son Charles. :hug:

It is very difficult for people to "get it" - many just don't understand - but sadly (or thankfully) you will find many of us who truly understand.

I am glad you were treated kindly and with respect - where to go from here is always so difficult/confusing. I am sure you will find lots of loving support from the wonderful women in here.

Sending you big healing hugs my love... :hug:

dellydoo--I'm so sincerely sorry for the loss of your angel son Charles :comfort: Thank you for sharing your story with us. While I know it was very painful to share, I hope that it helped in some small way in releasing it onto paper... I know for me it was terribly hard sharing my story, and I sobbed the whole time I wrote it, but I felt so relieved afterwards, like some weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And the amazing support I received from the great women here at BB is what helped me find a thread that I felt comfortable in--you posted in it the other day--it's absolutely the best, most amazing girls you'll ever meet! I :pray: that you find all the support and comfort you need to get thru this time, please remember we're all here to help you get thru it. Feel free to vent, whine, cry, ask questions--we've been there and remember all too well the sadness and loneliness that can be so overwhelming. I wish you all the best on your journey, and I look forward to getting to know you should you decide to hang around in the TTC after m/c thread! Sending big :hug: You're in my thoughts and :pray:

Hi Jen
It was really tough to write it but the words had been hanging around in my head driving me crazy and I was scared I would just unload all this pain on to my friends/family and it frightened me too much - how would they possibly understand.
BB seemed the safe way to go and I am so glad I did. I get up in the morning and sit at my computer and am just glad to read that out there in the world; someone got some good news, someone got some much needed support and everyone gets welcomed. I will be in TTC full time soon!
Flowerchild - thanks so much for the welcome, I am humbled by the support I have received.
Have a wonderful Sunday and Fathers Day!
Love
Adele

I'm so sorry you lost your precious baby Adele :(

I'm bawling :(:(

Beck

Hi dellydoo,
I am so so sorry for your loss. I really do hope you get some answers to what happened. There is nothing so say to take the pain away. Just take one day at a time and know that everyone at BB is here to help/listen.

I went through a very similar thing. My waters broke at 17 1/2 weeks. I had to be induced 11 days later. If I can help in anyway at all please don't hesitate.

:hug::hug::hug:
Stanas
:angel: Ava Lesley 18 weeks 4 days

Stanas - thank you so much and I am so very sorry for your loss - Ava is such a beautiful name.
It is getting easier but I still have lots of downtime and I keep thinking I should go back to work to take my mind off things. Am still a little sore and still bleeding a little. Did you get any reasons? I hate not knowing.
Hugs
A

Hi Adele. Don't hurry back to work unless you feel ready. I went back to work within a week and wish I had given myself more time. I think thats why I had my little melt down last week.

I want you to know that, for me, this week things look better and I feel stronger, mainly because of what you said about not fighting grief but just riding it out. I'm touched that you could reach out through your own grief and help me in mine. Now that I feel in a place to return the favour, I'm here if you need me...

Hannah

Hey dellydoo, unfortunately we didn't get any answers and the docs told us to stop looking. Yeah right! One doctor told us and this is his words "***t happens". It constantly played on my mind for the first 8 weeks or so. I read anything and everything but found no real causes. I did have a lot of bleeding weeks before but not one particular reason for the waters breaking.

Ava's tissue test results were fine as well. There is not a great deal of research I found that was under 20 weeks. Mainly pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membrane) studies around 24 weeks onwards. I am sorry I couldn't tell you I got results but all that got me through the answer stage was holding onto the precious 4 hours we had our daughter in our arms.
I had about 5 weeks off but you will know yourself when its time. Working with customers is a little tougher but you will know in yourself. We can't run and hide when we need a minute.
Your in my thoughts :hug: :hug:
Stanas
:angel: Ava Lesley 18 weeks 4 days

Hannah I am so pleased that something I said helped. I worry that I rave a lot of the time!:D Thank you so much for your sweet offer, I think I need you guys now more than before.
Stanas - Thanks for being so honest, I know it is unlikely that I will get anything I just wish they could say to me that's it - that is what you did so I don't do it again. Or if they can tell me that a stitch will guarantee the safety of my next pregnancy. We have to go back to IVF and part of me wonders if that was my chance.
Sorry being a bit maudlin now - must think positively and all that!
Love
Adele

Stanas - I had bleeding too from 8 weeks and they said it was unrelated...hmmmm.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost a little girl at 19wks 5 days. We went to the 19 wk scan and she was gone.

We didnt get any answers either, its hard isnt it.

All i can suggest is allow yourself to just go with the grief, dont fight it.

Did you get any keepsakes? Prints, scan pics etc? I did a scrapbooking album of all that for my little girl. It was therapeutic. I also bought a necklace with a ruby in a heart, cos we named her Rubee.

I hope things get a bit easier for you soon.

Kristi.

Thanks Kristi
I have photos and the blanket I held him in and have packed it all away in a box that is beside my bed. I still haven't added my pregnancy journal as I am yet to say goodbye to Charles in it.
I am getting there today!
Thanks
A