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When we were having problems conceiving we discussed the possibility of adopting a baby. I would have been happy to do it as I just wanted a baby, but Aaron was apprehansive about the whole idea.
So what I'm wondering is, money / legalities (ie age restricitons etc) aside, if you were unable to have your own children - would you adopt? Would you adopt a baby the same race as you or different? Would you try to get an Australian baby (or one from your own country)?
I would seriously have looked into adopting, Australian or overseas. I wouldn't have waited for an Australian baby (as these can be few and far between I believe) though in preference to going overseas (which I know has its own set of difficulties - but as you said putting those aside). I think my want to love and nuture a child would have seen me want to overcome the issues surrounding adoption
Even now after having two of our own I would consider it (although DH would probably not be that keen now) maybe even older children than just babies although that brings in other difficulties I realise
I am actually considering this after i've had my own children and DF thinks it's a good idea too.
Wouldn't matter what country they were from, if i can give just one child out there a better life, then i will.
I have definitely considered it as an option, although I haven't discussed it with DH yet, as he's still coming to terms with our fertility problems.
It wouldn't matter to me what country they were from, however I have to admit that I'd be a little bit worried that if I adopted a child from another country, I wouldn't be able to offer them the cultural environment and community that they should be growing up in IYKWIM.
My other concern would be for the child ... my Mum found out when she was in her mid-40's that she was adopted .. it has been a terribly difficult road for her, made much worse by the fact that Nana (mum's adoptive mother) had advanced alzheimers when Mum found out, so wasn't able to discuss the issue with Mum. So, from my rambling, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that children who are adopted will probably eventually go through some pretty yucky soul searching times, and if I went into adoption, I'd need to be fully prepared to help them through that process.
I often thought about this before TTC & I have always thought that I would if I couldnt have my own. I believe that adopted children are always very much loved because their adoptive parents wanted them so badly! It would be very hard to adopt an Australian baby though, I imagine.
It's true Cherie, I'd be worried about adopting a baby from overseas because I wouldn't know how to teach them about their culture/background. I suppose though you'd have to learn if you really wanted to do it.
I agree as well at the soul searching, it would be very tough to find out that you're biological parents had "given you away". But as Linda says the adoptive parents obviously loved them very very much to pick them out to call their own.
If I had exhausted all avenutes of trying to conceive and knew I couldn't have a child of my own then I would look into it. I would try for an Australian /English/American baby first if I could.
Love
If I couldnt have had my own children for whatever reason, or if in the future my children are older, and my partner was willing as well, then I would also love to adopt. It wouldn't bother me what nationality my child was, although I know it may be an extra challenge to raise a baby who came from a very different culture and background... I would like to adopt where it is needed the most... the stories of the huge orphanages there are overseas (ie. russia or china) filled with kids that need parents just breaks my heart.
My Dh has an adopted brother & sister, as the mothers were pregnant in the village & had just been accepted to University.
Actually we pay for both to continue schooling now as we can afford to help them. The boy is 13 now & girl is 9, they are very much loved & very much part of our family!
I have no doubt in my mind that I could love anyone that needed/needs love!!!
I could easily & willingly even today would adopt any child of any rade & any health issues into my family.
I believe that when we return to Bali, we will probably look into either helping to raise a child or children from poorer villages & families...
It's just something I know we could do. We have looked into the orphaned children in Aceh from the Tsunami & made our wishes known to various authorities, I guess as my Dh is Indonesian we could give a child from Indonesia the cultural aspects, but I believe Love is just as important.
I have always been prepared to adopt when we were TTC, but I think because I already have biological children and DH didn't that he was very reluctant. I guess, to him, he already loves and looks after 3 children that aren't his biological children, and now he wished to have one that was of his blood.
Now with soon-to-be four children, another child seems a distant and unlikely undertaking. Though if money was no object and I could stay home to look after the children, I expect I would love to adopt a Chinese girl, as there are just so many out there that have been abandoned. And as our family is a race-blended family anyway, I am not too worried about the child being exposed to different cultures.
love
sushee
We'd like to adopt if all other avenues of having children was exhausted. Is it harder to adopt these days? My DH has 2 sisters and a brother that are all adopted and they all grew up knowing. His mum also had 4 boys of her own. DH's parents have been positive role models so I don't think it would be a hard decision for us.
hmmmm - adoption's kind of problematic in Muslim families because of the whole hijab thing. If we adopted a girl, when she hit puberty she would have to wear hijab in her home, and if we adopted a boy when he reached puberty I would have to cover in front of him - you can get around this by breastfeeding because if you breastfeed an adopted child (not nessescarily for ages - a few drops will do it) then they are considered to have a familial relationship to you so you don't need to worry about hijab.
If DH and I were unable to have children and assisted conception hadn't worked for us then we probably would have considered adopting from Afghanistan.
This is a topic that DH & I have never discussed, even when there was a time we weren't sure we'd be able to have kids of our own.
But as for me I have often thought that if it were a possibility then I would love to follow that path. And to me it wouldn't matter where the baby came from either, as long as I was helping a child have a better life then that would be all that would matter to me.
Hi everyone, I've just posted our story in the 'introduce yourself' thread, so I won't go over that again, but in answer to the question 'who would adopt', we would and did.
My husband and I adopted internationally from South Korea - what a journey that was! At the time it was all just doing what we had to do to get to our DS, but now looking back it's like, wow - we did that - what a buzz.
We know that there will be hurdles in the future due to the difference in the appearance of our family, and the fact that our boy has a 'Korean family' too but hey, we will address these as they arise. All I can say is that it's the most momentous, wonderful, worthwhile and rewarding thing that we have ever done.
Good luck to anyone considering adoption.
If we for some reason could not conceive our own child and assisted conception was not working, we would look into adoption.
We have an adopted Australian child ( with several adopted and older half siblings over 18 ) - we explained his mother didn't 'give him away' - she loved him so much she wanted to do the best for him because she couldn't look after him.
He has had written contact with a few siblings and in future he may meet them -though his mother has never attempted any contact with any(even with older ones to our knowledge).
I would have adopted another child.When he was three we went through the inital procedures/course but in the end I couldn't bear another childless couple missing out on our having two.
Overseas adoption was considered but never pursued for same reasons. There are far more willing families than children available. Though in Australia a few years ago disabled children and children with challenges were always available to suitable parents but again more children than willing families.
Wow, Dach that's really interesting about the hijab issue. Is it possible to breastfeed if you haven't given birth I wonder?
Wow Katherine, that's great. I'm off to read your intro thread now!
I never knew that Shannon.
Our friend adopted her husbands sisters daughter as our friends in early 40's had not been able to conceive, she was told to stimulate her nipples & the baby was fed formula through a tube which was strapped to her chest & the baby suckled the tube taped to her nipple, I never asked, but maybe she took drugs also, but she fed (not exclusively) there was formula top ups, but she definately had breastmilk & they did that for 8 months! (once the breasts produced milk, the tube was removed).
I've read a bit about adoptive breastfeeding and it was recommended to me at the time we adopted our little boy by someone who had done it. What I've read suggests pumping to express many times a day to stimulate the milk supply, as would a suckling baby. I had horrible visions of being in Korea with mastitis and a new baby who didn't know me and that put me off the whole idea. Not only that but as soon as you are handed the baby it's off to the airport and straight home, so a long flight also with a baby who may be fretful (luckily ours wasn't). Since breastfeeding my daughter I know now what I (and he) missed, and really wish I had tried, even if I only started the whole expressing thing after returning home from Korea. That said it may not be easy with a 5 month old who has been used to the bottle since day one.
My SIL/BIL have successfully adopted children after being long-term foster carers... it worked well so DH and I would consider it :)
Dachlostar: i also found your post really interesting... are many children adopted in Afganistan?
DH and I looked seriously into adoption before undergoing IVF as I didnt want to head down that path. We looked at adopting overseas, (Asia). From my understanding, there are not alot of children/babies available for adoption in Australia...The wait is sooo long. Overseas adoption (9 yrs ago) was a 6 Month wait. We got an adoption package from Anglicare. The only reason we didnt go ahead with it, was because I am a terrible traveller, and you had to go overseas and stay in the place of adoption, to do the adoption process etc.
Even having had DS now, I would love to adopt another child from overseas, (money and legalities as you say aside)
I think its the most unselfish, beautiful gift anyone could ever give a child in need.
Interesting thread Sarah!
I would definitely go through for adoption for sure. In fact its something I'd love to do at some point in my life. Who knows if it will happen though!
My ex and I considered adoption but when we looked into it we found it far to invasive, they practically wanted to know what colored undies you were wearing. This was for Aussie adoption. We also had doubts that my ex would get approved. This was when I was in my early thirties and things may have changed since then. Also it was very difficult to even get on to the waiting list and then people often sat on that for years. We were also told that most Aussie adoptions were for special needs children which we were just not prepared to deal with. It's one thing to naturally conceive a special needs child but a completely different one to choose one. I tip my hat to those couples who do this.... they are very special people indeed. The low number of children put up for adoption also scared us so we decided not to go through the whole process. I don't regret this for one moment.
We also looked at overseas adoption but with all the red tape and the costs involved it just wasn't viable for us at that time. We also had concerns about our ability to bring the child up considering you really need to take their own culture into account.
My DF & I have discussed the possibility of adopting recently. It seems like Aussie adoption is no easier than it was when I last looked into it so that's out. The costs of adopting from overseas has raised as well and unless our financial situation improves dramatically I can't see that we would be doing that either unless we were to sell our home. I also wonder if my age would go against me now.... at 41 (tomorrow) I may be considered too old to adopt and as I am in an agegap relationship many overseas countries may find that a little odd.
We adopted a child from China last December. It has been a very happy experience, we were blessed with a beautiful child.
Inter-Country Adoption can take anywhere from 2 years to 5 years, from the time you start to the time you bring your child home. Cost in Victoria just for the Australian part is around 10 thousand and then the country you go with also has their own fee's which can be anything from 1 thousand to 20 thousand. The Australian costs are paid in set amounts, such as $2000 for this, $1600 for that and so on.
So all up you could be looking at anything from $11,000 to $30,000 for Inter-Country Afoption.
Local Adoption is much cheaper with the only cost in Victoria being fee's for your medicals and then the court costs at the very end of the adoption. So total cost is only between $2000 and $3000 for Local Adoption.
But there are only around 10 to 15 babies adopted in Australia each year and there is no actual waiting list as all couples go into a general register and the Birth Mother / Birth Family are given the profile of 2 to 4 couples that the social workers feel match what the Birth Mother / Birth Family are looking for, then they choose which couple they would like to adopt their child.
So you could be matched very quickly, one couple I heard was matched within a couple of days of their approval(very rare for that to happen) and one couple I talked to were still waiting after 12 months.
At our Local Adoption education group we were told that after the age of 40 to 45 the chances of being chosen for Local adoption are a lot lower.
Where as some countries in the Inter-Country adoption program take couple right up to the age of 55.
But in Australia there is also Permanent Care available, the children normally live with you until they are 18 but they are not legally adopted and we were told that this is normally a better option for older couples, but there do seem to be more children needing Permanent Care than Adoption in Australia.
So this is also an option for people thinking about adoption.
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We would definately consider adoption, there are so many beautiful children out there in the world who deserve to have a caring & loving family to nuture them.
If my DF and I couldn't conceive, and we'd tried IVF a few times, then we'd adopt a baby for sure... not necessarily from Australia either :) I think it would be so special to do it, look at the bond Angelina Jolie has with her little one's... they're beautiful kids... very spoilt too!! LOL.
But that would be the last resort! Hopefully we can conceive naturally.... we'll find out soon when we start TTC...!
Thanks Jacinta.
I agree that a lot of people think that adoption is the 3rd step in the process of trying to have a family - 1st you try naturally, then you try IVF a couple of times - then you adopt.
Of course, sometimes it happens that way, but I don't think that's the way everyone should view it.
There are so many more issues here, but i don't want to be seen to be bagging people, when i know that their intentions are good.
Adoption isn't something for everyone who just wants a child - and it should be considered just as much by fertile and infertile couples alike. That's because i believe now that adoption is not about the couple - it is about the child.
Like i said, i know peoples intentions are good. If they truely understood the process they would know that they wanted to adopt whether they have their own biological children or not. People might think that they'd rather adopt that try Assisted Conception, but until they have been put in that situation they really can't say.
I have no intention of offending anyone, i'm just adding my PoV.
Hi, We had already decided before we started naturally that we would enlist to be considered for international adoption if we couldn't conceive. We became pregnant the first month we tried though this year and our son is expected in February. At some stage in the future we would still consider overseas adoption because we think we have something to offer and know our family would benefit too.
What I mean is that we had decided assisted conception was not for us and we thought there were other ways we could build a family. Lots of lovely IVF babies in our immediate circle though - just not a process we were willing to go through. I don't think there is any specific process in terms of managing fertility - I think it comes down to the individual parents.
My DH was adopted at birth and so was his sister. He found out when he was 9 and went through a stage of not understanding but he got over it.
Dh and I have considered adopting after our youngest gets old enough and we are more financially stable.
We decided that we would foster kids if we couldn't have our own. My thinking was that it is so hard to get a child for adoption, there are huge waiting lists and lots of willing families. Whereas there are so many kids needing temporary families who just can't get them. It would have been incredibly difficult, many kids have problems (understandably), and more than likely you would just bond and make progess with them and then they would have to leave, but can you imagine how much good you could do? And how fulfilling that could be?
It is still something I would like to do, but not something I could emotionally or physically take on yet as the boys are keeping me too busy. Maybe down the track if I am not considered too old by then.
We were going to adopt when we got home from our over seas trip in 2004. We had just been to Hong Kong & seen what its like over there. We had tours etc & were told about the little Chinese girls, well everyone knows the story but when you're there its like it kinda really hits home IYKWIM.
We had been TTC for a while & had lost our first baby the previous year so we had discussed adoption previously.
As it turns out we came home expecting DD so we didn't adopt. But I definately wouldn't rule it out for later in life, given the right circumstances (DH is still young enough to adopt etc)
I have friends (actually my DD's God Parents) who adopted 2 children from Korea. They are now about 19 & 21 yrs old but we have known them for about 10 years & they are so close, I have never seen a family with so much love & respect for each other.
So my answer would be "yes" I would consider adoption & I would probably adopt a Chinese girl ideally between the ages of 0-6yrs.
For a while my ex and I believed that I was unable to conceive, so did look into adopting. This was when I was living in New Zealand. I was told that Russian adoptions were popular in NZ, so was thinking of adoptiong a Russian child (Russia being close to my ethnic background, this seemed like the right thing to do).
Caro, I didn't mean it like that!
What I'm trying to say is that he "understands" to a point why his birth mother gave him up ( even though I couldn't). I support him as much as I can even to the point of trying to find his birth parents. I have read extracts of that book and I agree it is a great book.
I haven't read all of this post yet but i thought i would share my thoughts.
When i was younger, and perhaps more naive, I had always told myself that i would consider adopting, if the need became necessary, but now that i am actually pregnant and have had some considerable dealings i'm not sure that i would be able to.
(Please note, that what i am about to say, is not intended to offend, it is just my experience, and i think it is valuable for me to include to convey where i stand.)
The idea of adoption was destroyed for me, by my biological father. He himself, was adopted, and would never understand in the slightest why his parents gave him up (this is coming across wrong, im not stipulating that "not understanding" is bad, JIC anyone wants to attack!). Funny that he finds his birth parents so unforgivable, because the <insert any combination of rude insult here> chose to have me, chose to stick around when my mum kept the baby, and yet the <insert any combination of rude insult here> has probably forgotten he even has a daughter. I think his parents possibly had to make a really painful decision in giving him up, and yet he's thrown me away with the blink of an eye. Anyhow, i'll keep this short and sweet, i'm in the middle of posting some history blogs and this will come up further if anyone would like to take a gander...
My point was i don't think i could adopt because i've been hurt by someone that is. And he completely detached himself from the rest if his family as well. I'm sure one day it is something i would overcome, but for me i think i would rather do foster training and social work and temporarily raise lots of little angels...
Hi All,
I just wanted to say thanks to Caro for your post!
DH & I recently applied to adopt, and we have been thinking about all the ethical implications...are we really doing the best thing for the child (and not just the selfish thing for us!). So it is very reassuring to know that you would consider adopting, having been through that experience yourself.
Also thanks for the reminder to read Primal Wound, I have been meaning to grab a copy!
Cheers,
RG
If I couldn't have my own I think I would. Not sure if I'd try from here or over seas though.
I am also considering fostering. A few people I know do it or have done it & alot of them have mentioned that now that there is all the extra money recieved for having a baby there are going to be alot more babies out there born just for that reason. It's a horrible thing to think about, but I think they will be getting desperate for foster parents soon. There are some selfish people out there.
I also would try to adopt a child no matter what if something happened to someone I know & their child/ren were left orphaned. eg. If something happened to my brother & his fiance I would fight to the end for their daughter even though she is not biologically his as I know that where they come from in New Zealand & all the childs family including her father are dangerous people & thats why they came to Australia.
I just thought I would join in as an adopted child myself. As with all adoptions there are so many reasons to adopt and to adopt out your child. Equally there are many different experiences of the adopted child. This is my personal experience.
Both my brother (not biological) and I were adopted in the 70s as babies and we both have very different views on our adoption. My mother had severe endometriosis and in that day and age the only cure was a full hysterectomy at the age of 24. So having children of her own was not an option. We were told right from the start, before we even had comprehension of adoption and so we grew up feeling 'normal'.
My brother couldn't care less about the adoption - 'whatever' is his response. In fact, I believe that he doesn't think of himself as adopted at all. Kind of weird to me, but I also understand due to our upbringing. I also have a friend who was adopted as well as her brother, and he is quite similar to mine - although I think he has a bit more anger towards his biological mother. This may or may not be more of a 'boy thing'!!
Myself, I don't think my adoption is any big deal. I don't feel like I am missing a part of me or there is a gap or anything. I was brought up in a normal family environment and although I was told I was adopted I never thought of myself as any more special than the next kid. As I have grown up, and particularly now as I start TTC, I do find a certain curiosity creeping in. Genetics, medical history, background history - these are the only things missing in my life. I have made certain moves to try and find out a little more, but the QLD govt was very secretive in the 70s and so all I have is a name for now and the rest can wait until I can be bothered!!
So I guess, if you do decide to adopt, my only advice would be - be upfront from the word go. Don't think about waiting until they are old enough to understand to tell them - introduce it as normal! It will save heartbreak all round!
We were looking at options. But as DH has already had kids, we were ineligible - also our ages were against us. AND the Qld list is currently closed.
We have looked at overseas adoption - maybe if IVF doesn't work for us, then we'll move to Kenya and adopt (DH is Kenyan) or see if we can adopt as Zulu baby (I'm part Zulu).