so dissappointed in myself....

I am sitting here in bed crying my eyes out yet again, making myself type this and get it out. I cant talk to my family or dp about this, they just dont get it.
I have my beautiful little man asleep in his bassinette and I am truly so thankfull that he is here and well, but I feel like in a way I am mourning my pregnancy.
I let myself be pushed into an induction at 1 day past 40 wks, I had been in pre labour for about 2 wks, no sleep for about 5 days due to painfull contractions coming every 10 mins, I was utterly exhausted and just couldnt argue the point, but how I wish now that I did.
I ended up with my waters being broken, I was 3cm dilated, 4 hrs later the drip was started, I made it to 4cm dilated before the drip was turned right up and my contractions actually sloweddown. so I ended up having an emergency c section, apparantly due to my unusually large foetus. (9pd11oz)
sure my blood pressure was up a little, but not hugely, but this was the reason given for admission and induction.
I just feel so ripped off, I never thought I would end up having a c section, my mother birthed all 4 of her children naturally, I have "child bearing hips" why didnt, or couldnt my body do it??
but I blame myself, I should have stood up for myself, I have read every single birthing article on this website, I like to think I was prepared for my birthing experience, but when it came to it, I let myself be pushed into induction which led to my being cut open.
I dont know why I feel so traumatised by this, I understand that some people choose this birthing option, I just never thought I would need to have one.
I never said a word against it, and im hating myself for it now. im in pain, from the surgery and evrytime I even think about the night jacob was born I just break down in tears of disappointment.
I needed a blood transfusion afterwards due to loss of blood, also had some internal bleeding that needs to be monitored incase of infection, I also have oedema just above my belly button (hard swelling that wont subside) and above the scar that is alternatively numb or extremely painfull.
if you have read this thankyou for listening, I just needed to let it out. im sick of pretending that im crying for no reason.

:hug: to you, starrysky.

You don't need to pretend you're crying about nothing. You're crying about a VERY nasty trauma. There are always some people who just don't get it - don't talk to them. It's so hard to keep your head on when you're giving birth, let alone stick up for yourself (which in my experience doesn't work anyway) - I feel just as bad because I didn't give birth and I fought tooth and nail. So I spoke up, but wasn't heard. Was ignored. Was told that what I was saying (ie it wasn't hurting me) wasn't so; I was a liar. Fighting won't make you feel better. You may think "I could have done that" - but tbh I did that and you're still ignored, just a statistic, just a number... who cares what you are actually saying? You probably saved yourself some trauma at the time, although it doesn't feel like that now.

My mother didn't have a hand stuck up her birth canal. Her mother had a homebirth. I didn't - why not? (Because I had crap support? NO!) Because I AM NOT MY MOTHER. I am not her mother. I am not any other woman who has ever given birth (or not).

You let it out as often as you need to. And please don't dismiss your feelings.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Now, now hun .... you need to take a deeeeeeeep breath and calm down. I am not telling you not to cry ... we need that too, hell I cried for a month straight :lol:

The thing about dealing with stuff like this is that it's hard on it own .. but after having a baby, being a new mother AND having your body all out of wack and hurting at the same time ... it's darn near impossible.

Please don't blame yourself. I just wrote on another thread that we do the best with the information that we are given. And by the sound of it you were really tired, so don't beat yourself up. There is really nothing one can say to you now that would make you feel any better. All I can tell you is that EVENTUALLY you will feel better. The physical pain will go away, the emotional pain too ... it might just take a while longer. Your traumatised because you did not expect this and giving birth, c/s or vb, is a BIG thing.

:

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my mother birthed all 4 of her children naturally, I have "child bearing hips" why didnt, or couldnt my body do it??

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You are not your mother. Just because your mother could have VB's, does not imply that you should too. And "child bearing hips" is something someone made up, IMO. Just because you have nice hips, does NOT mean you are naturally inclined to VB. Just like saying someone with blonde hair is stupid ... THAT is stupid.

Don't hate yourself, mourn, cry even yell and scream a little ... but eventually you should write down what you feel, read it throught and burn it, eventually you should accept (don't kill me) that that is the cards that were dealt, that is the way it happend ... you can't change it.

I really do know what you are going through .. I know it's not easy to not get what you thought should come naturally to you ... chip up babe, chip up.

:

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I am sitting here in bed crying my eyes out yet again, making myself type this and get it out. I cant talk to my family or dp about this, they just dont get it.

I have my beautiful little man asleep in his bassinette and I am truly so thankfull that he is here and well, but I feel like in a way I am mourning my pregnancy.
I let myself be pushed into an induction at 1 day past 40 wks, I had been in pre labour for about 2 wks, no sleep for about 5 days due to painfull contractions coming every 10 mins, I was utterly exhausted and just couldnt argue the point, but how I wish now that I did.

if you have read this thankyou for listening, I just needed to let it out. im sick of pretending that im crying for no reason.

---

I hear you sweetie. Other people do not get it. It's so hard to find ANYWHERE to talk about it. i've tried CARES and it was more focussed on resolving the first negative labour experience with a positive one, for the next labour. but i'm not having any more kids.

i feel very alone with the traumatic C-section i went thru too.

i totally agree, you MOURN for it.

i do hear you.

Hi Starrysky
You should in no way blame yourself for submitting to a cs. It was not your fault that it happened. You may well have read every single birthing article on this website but you came across some very powerful and persuasive people who may not have had your best interests at heart. It is very easy for these people to persuade you that your baby is in danger. They only need to hint that there may be a problem and that the only way to save your baby is to go for a cs. What mother would not agree to anything they suggested if that mother thought, (or was lead to believe) that the only way to prevent the death of her baby was to do as they say.

Big comfy hugs for you hun :hug:

What happened isn't your fault. You hadn't slept for five days and had been having contractions all that time!, you were already worn down and probably not thinking clearly. You did the best you could at the time and really shouldn't feel guilty.

Having said that, you absolutely have the right to mourn the birth you didn't get to have. My daughter is 14 months old and I still get upset about her birth sometimes. Get it all out! Keep talking about it, keep processing it, and we'll always be here to support you and understand even if others find it hard to. *hugs*

Oh honey :comfort:

Please take the time to grieve for the birth that you didn't get.. cry... vent on here... stamp your feet around the house - take a long shower, crawl into a ball on the floor and just bawl your eyes out. Thats what I did.

But this was nothing that you did. Seriously, after that much prelabour AND being over 40 weeks - its no wonder you were tired and were willing to give it a try. I mean, the people that told you to do it were professionals right? Its easy to put all your faith and trust into professionals when you are sick and tired of being pregnant!!!!! (And this is coming from someone who got to 42 weeks - and was over it by about week 38!!!)

Huge :hug: cos I know what its like to deal with the disappointment - and to feel that it was your fault. My mum had 3 kids naturally, and couldn't understand why I wanted a VBAC so much - so along with my feeling of 'she did it, why can't i get the chance' - is also my mum telling me that I don't NEED to do this because a c-section is a better way to go. Crazy mothers!! lol

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Just remember that. And remember that we are all here for you. And we don't mind if you cry ;)

Cry. Yell. Scream. Let it out.

:hug: You're not alone in grieving and mourning the loss of your birthing experience :hug:

I feel exactly the same as you... so many 'what ifs' and 'whys' running through my head, and I also cry when I think about Jasmine's birth. I feel jealous and resentful when I hear of other peoples births, how 'easy' they got it, when it didn't even matter to them how it happened, when I invested so much time during pregnancy.... People saying "at least you're both ok" and wanting to say "I'M NOT OK" and rip them from limb to limb...
It is getting easier though, very slowly, and I have hope that it will keep getting eaiser. And it will get easier for you too hun. It will take time.

We are here for you :grouphug:

(Oh, and the numb/painful section above the scar... try using a belly belt like people use during pregnancy... I found it helped with the pain of my pants rubbing on that skin. It does lessen eventually too)

I really, really second Alan on this. Once you are in that setting, when you are tired and apprehensive - the weight of the words of a medical professional seems so much HEAVIER than if you were at home in front of the PC talking to BB about it all.

They are good at making it sound serious, yet simple at the same time. Its hard to fight, think or even voice yourself effectively, and tbh I think thats what they rely on.....

Thinking of you hun xxoxoxoxo

Awww sweety :hug: let it all out hun, cry, scream, shout, cry some more because it is ok to grieve the birth you didn't get.

These gorgeous people have said it all, you are not your mother, and in the hospital when you are so tired, so excited about meeting your little one, so terribly afraid that you will make the wrong decision, so confused about what is the right decision, it is easy to make decisions that you question later. It may not be the wrong decision or seem like that until later - hindsight is a wonderful but also frustrating thing. At the time i'm sure you weighed it all up and make those decisions based on your emotions and feelings at the time, as well as with the medical professions warped view on things that can be so convincing and reasonable.

Please talk as much as you can and get it out hun. In many ways I am still grieving my induction with Izzy and subsequent 2 c/s and I don't think I will ever truly get over it...accept it yes but stop wondering the why's?? probably not. :hug: You are definitely not alone and I don't think anyone who hasn't had a traumatic or disappointing birth ever gets it. it is frustrating and so dismissing to be told "well your baby is healthy what more do you want" especially as that brings more guilt. We are all here for you love and if you need to PM me do so anytime. :hug:

:grouphug: Starrysky, there are many of us here who can empathise with you and understand how you feel. As the others have said you need to cry and grieve and get it all out but it doesn't mean that you have to ever 'get over it'. Almost 3 years on and I am still wondering what I could have done differently etc. I think I have accepted it but I will never forget it and I will always wonder what would have happened if I have done a, b or c.

So come in here and vent, rant, cry, grieve, debrief as much as you feel that you need to - we are all here for you and we do understand!

Sending lots of hugs. No wonder you're so upset and traumatised by your experience. You were vulnerable - no sleep for a few days, continuous contractions, possibly at wits end? You went to a hospital, armed with all sorts of info and ebliefs in your ability, and instead of being supported, it sounds like they did everything to see that you would not get the experience you desired. You could have stood up for yourself, but with what resources after several days of no sleep???

"im sick of pretending that im crying for no reason." - you're grieving for the birthing experience that you did not have. This was unexpected and occurred at a time when you were vulnerable and trusting. I'm not sure where you are in SA, but there's an amazing independent midwife there - Lisa Barrett - who I'm sure would be happy to do some birth debriefing with you. If you contact me off list, I can also give you the link to an article I wrote that might be of some help (Belly Belly staff, I'm not sure if it's ok to say this - please edit this post if we can't say things like this on this site).

:hug::hug::hug: I agree with everyone here... grieve for the birth you did not get- if you dont acknowledge it and deal with your feelings they will consume you. Let your partner know that you are upset- you are not crying for no reason- you have a reason- and its a valid one.

Yes people can say the main thing is that your both ok- but as Leasha said- right now YOUR not ok with it, in time maybe you will be.

I know you are quite apt at writing your feelings down, so maybe try that- get it on paper- let go of all the things that disapointed you- and then..... as hard as it may be- look back and try and find something ANYTHING that was good and special about your experience, even the smallest things and focus on them.

Take care know you are not alone in your feelings
SB
xoxoxo

i know what you are going though
i have had 3 c/s and i feel ripped off something bad i could of had a v/b with my son now 12 going on 13 in 2 weeks but they didnt
let it out scream your heart out we are her for you hun remember that
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
sarah

I just sat here and wiped away tears for you hon.

There is nothing worse then the dissapointment and anger at your self for 'failing' when you have research and studied everything under the sun to have the perfect birth.

Im a little disapointed that your family and husband dont understand your feelings. Having a baby is a hard enough job let alone going through something as tramatic and emotional wrenching as an emergency c-s. I spoke to my MCHN about my feelings....she then lead me onto a councillor at the hospital so I could de-brief. It didnt get any better for me with each pg....each c/s I had reminded me of how much I had failed as being a woman and birthing my children naturally.

Allow your self to greive the birth you wanted so you can try to move forward. Little, tender steps hon

thankyou all so much for your overwhelming support and quick replies. im sorry I didnt reply sooner but every time I read this I break down in tears and just cant do it.:doh:
im still sad but I feel I am slowly accepting the fact that its happened and there wasnt much I could have done about it. I need to stop the voice in my head that keeps saying "I didnt give birth to my son, They cut him out of me..." I am trying to focus on that first gurgling cry of his I heard at 12:13am 3 wks ago today, that made me catch my breath and think omg im a mother, I have a baby... thats a nice memory.;)
thankyou too leasha for your tip with the belly bands, great idea, at least now I can wear pants that arent around my neck.

as for debriefing....I have spoken to a few people in my life who have had c/s, surprisingly (for me) they have all felt the same way, why dont people talk about it? why are there so many things in pregnancy and childbirth that are almost taboo to be spoken of?
anyway, my aunty had 3 cs, her first being an almost exact replica of my experience, it was great to discuss with her the emotions involved and how she has dealt with them.
also my sister in law, again a failed induction, failure to dilate, and my brothers girlfriend same story again.... point is I am reaching out, I am talking to these people and getting my feelings out there.
I love my mum to bits and my dp too, I think that unless one hasthe experiience of having a cs, its a bit hard to understand, I know it never crossed my mind beforehand.
I did actually write out my birth story on here but then lost the whole post and cried buckets of tears in frustration :rolleyes: eventually I will try again.
once again, thankyou for your kind words, hugs and thoughts, they mean the world to me and I dont feel so alone.
xxx

Please arn me when you do your birth story honey...I'll get my box of klennex first...I find the whole c/s thing very emotional for me...your feelings are still very raw but I wanted to bring you to attention to a thread I started al ong time ago

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ever-knew.html

I to had no idea about c/s like you and I wanted to let anyone and everyone know about the 'joys' and aftereffects of having a c/s.

I wish you well...I hope your heart heals enough to enjoy the first few months of your darling Jacob's start in life. Dont let the negetive expreience of this effect his and your relationship.

YOur BB riends are only a few taps of the keyboard away :)

oh Starskky I felt the same way & thats one of the reasons BB now has a birth debrief forum!! Not something you want to read while you are pregnant, but important for those of us who felt like our births were taken from us. :hug:

Just wanted to drop in and give you a big :hug:
I'm glad you've found some people IRL as well as on here to talk to about your feelings. Take care, matey. :hug:

I too had an emergency c/s but I am sorry I don't understand the ripped off disapointed part.

I have a healthy baby (now 8) and their is nothing second rate about that.

Why are c/s viewed as such a failure any birth regardless of how it happened is wonderful

STARRYSKY I wish you all the best and that you get all the support you need

Um, CD its because it isn't what she wanted. No one said anything about c/s being second rate.

Did you read the OP at all? There are many reasons Starry feels like this and all valid. I'm sure 8 years from now she will be over it all (I hope anyway hunny xoxox), but its still raw.

CD - Many women need to debrief traumatic and disappointing births, vaginal and c/s. Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean you can dismiss how someone else is feeling after a birth that they found upsetting or disappointing. As this thread and many in the debrief forums have shown, lots of women need to grieve and talk about how they are feeling about what should be the happiest day of their lives but for whatever reason goes different to plan.

I have a healthy, loving boy, now almost 2, and still can't face thinking about his birth. I think it depends not only on your own wishes but how you're treated and if you're respected at all, not just if you end up in theatre or not. Your care has a lot more to do with it than how your baby arrives - if you can even acknowledge you have a baby after all of that.

I'd love to think that in another 6 years I'd be able to view DS as my son, that I could think about our stay in hospital without crying and shaking and the like, but just because you don't experience that doesn't mean it's wrong so to do.

Oh Starrysky, :hug:. I felt exactly the same as you sweetie. It is totally normal to grieve your lost birth experience. Thank god for Bellybelly because no-one seemed to understand how I felt until I found this site and got it all out.
The sadness of what you lost may never go away but time will help you come to terms with it better, I promise.

Thankyou so much for your support girls.:redface::D
spice- I so know what you mean, if not for bellybelly, I dont know how I would cope!
I am starting slowly to feel better about the whole thing, like someone said earlier, there is no point on focusing on the what ifs, what could I have done differently and so on. I just tell myself I will know better next time, and not beat myself up about the day that should be the most wonderful day of my life.
I do understand that for some people a c-section is an accepted birth experience and I have nothing against them or that fact, I am sure that it potentially could be a fantastic way to have a baby, but for me it was not expected and not a welcome surprise. I never even once entertained the fact that I would be having a cesarean. I t is definately something I would tell any pg friends to think about.
so anyway- emotionally, I am coping a lot better, I had it out with dp about how I really felt and why I felt that way, I cant say he understands but he at least listened.
physically- I am still sore, just a walk to the shops with bubs is enough to wear me out and make me very sore the next day, somedays even walking properly is hard, I have appointments next week for repeat ultrasounds to check on the blood collection from the internal bleeding, and also my 6 week checkup. lets hope its all ok.
the swelling is finally going down but still is alternatively numb or extremely painfull, that is probably the worst bit, dp had a habit of rubbing my belly when I was pregnant and now when he does it I could just about scream in pain.
so, thanks again, you people are great, :grouphug: I hope that one day in some small way I can help you the way you have all helped me.
xxx