I am sitting here in bed crying my eyes out yet again, making myself type this and get it out. I cant talk to my family or dp about this, they just dont get it.
I have my beautiful little man asleep in his bassinette and I am truly so thankfull that he is here and well, but I feel like in a way I am mourning my pregnancy.
I let myself be pushed into an induction at 1 day past 40 wks, I had been in pre labour for about 2 wks, no sleep for about 5 days due to painfull contractions coming every 10 mins, I was utterly exhausted and just couldnt argue the point, but how I wish now that I did.
I ended up with my waters being broken, I was 3cm dilated, 4 hrs later the drip was started, I made it to 4cm dilated before the drip was turned right up and my contractions actually sloweddown. so I ended up having an emergency c section, apparantly due to my unusually large foetus. (9pd11oz)
sure my blood pressure was up a little, but not hugely, but this was the reason given for admission and induction.
I just feel so ripped off, I never thought I would end up having a c section, my mother birthed all 4 of her children naturally, I have "child bearing hips" why didnt, or couldnt my body do it??
but I blame myself, I should have stood up for myself, I have read every single birthing article on this website, I like to think I was prepared for my birthing experience, but when it came to it, I let myself be pushed into induction which led to my being cut open.
I dont know why I feel so traumatised by this, I understand that some people choose this birthing option, I just never thought I would need to have one.
I never said a word against it, and im hating myself for it now. im in pain, from the surgery and evrytime I even think about the night jacob was born I just break down in tears of disappointment.
I needed a blood transfusion afterwards due to loss of blood, also had some internal bleeding that needs to be monitored incase of infection, I also have oedema just above my belly button (hard swelling that wont subside) and above the scar that is alternatively numb or extremely painfull.
if you have read this thankyou for listening, I just needed to let it out. im sick of pretending that im crying for no reason.