Im so Upset and angry and now confused!

I was almost 2 weeks late for Af, which sometimes is normal, but I felt different this time. On Sunday I did not feel myself at all, now I know why.

Rick was home yesterday as he was painting the bathroom, toilet and hallway. Af came yesterday morning, I had some cramping but thought it was cos' af was late (as they generally happens to me), it was reasonable light, then at about 4, Rick begged me to go to the shop so I said yeah just need to go to the toilet first and change my thing, (i love grossing him out it makes me laugh), I went to the toilet and there was this pretty big clot.
I knew what it was (this is the way it happened last time). I cried a bit in the toilet. Then Rick come banging saying he needs to get into the toilet, I freaked out..........How am I going to tell him? (i'll explain why a bit later), so i got out and went to wash my hands in the kitchen sink and just stood there, i couldnt help myself and tears started streaming down my face, Rick came in and was like if its going to make you upset you dont need to go, I smiled a bit, He kept asking what was wrong, then I think he just knew, I told him why i was going to the toilet and went into the toilet making jokes and came out really upset, he kept trying to get it out of me, but he also just kept hugging me and giving me a kiss on my forhead every time I was in the same room, he would even come seek me out making sure i was ok.
Then his mate come over and went fishing, he kept asking me to go but i kept saying no i just want to stay here.
Thats when i got angry at him and over the whole friggin thing, although Ricks mum was here when he left, I still got angry being left alone.
I went to bed shortly after Rick and his mate got home, was fast asleep when Rick finally made it to bed, and I was extreamly tired to even really focus this morning when he came and said goodbye and went to work.

I now sit here crying for the fact I have the title 'Mummy' taken away from me yet again, and wondering how do I tell anyone. I know we arnt ttcing for a while, but still we could have managed we wouldve made it work.
I want to tell Rick but the words dont seem right 'hey babe had another miscarriage yesterday', or 'sorry I killed your child again!'
Dont quite make it easy to tell him.

When I first joined BB, Rick always kept asking me who I was writing to when I was posting to someone in the miscarriage thread. So i told him thats what i was doing. Finally the other night he was like, 'why do you keep talking to girls who have had miscarriages? Have you had one?' I said 'yeah, but you know about that' and he said 'So you havnt had one since?' and when i said no, he looked so relieved and happy and then said 'good, cos the next thing that happens in your belly will be our kid, full term and healthy, whenever that happens' so i promised him that he would be the first to know if i have another miscarriage, now i have broken that promise and i still dont know how to tell him, and its making me feel worse, cos i know he wants to know.

Im so upset yet so angry at the same time, am I not supposed to be a Mummy????????????????????????????????????????????? ?

Naomi big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this again.

If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to email and please don't feel alone. We can always meet up for a chat and a cuppa.

I feel so sick in my stomach, i dont know if i am actually sick or if its just knots over the whole thing.

Im so angry at him, why couldnt he have just said no mate dont want to go fishing tonight lets just stay here, would have made me feel a little better having him by my side.

Its my fault anyway, should have told him last night, but i didnt want to upset him with the whole thing until I was atleast capable of telling him without breaking down.

I just dont know what to do with myself now........................... I go into little staring moods when my head runs 1000 miles per second................... make the pain stop.........someone please make it go away................................

Thankyou Michelle you dont know how much that means to me, Im really crying now, thankyou, I know Im not alone but still............ it hurts so bad, i really want to hold my baby but the man up stairs doesnt think that.

Naomi i wish i could come and give you a big hug and take your pain away.

You will one day hold your baby in your arms.

I wish you could to Michelle

I know one day I will hold my baby in my arms, but how many heartbreaks do I have to go through to have that ONE day.

It didnt hurt this much last time, I cried the night I found out with Rick, then I was a bit sad but didnt cry over it again and managed to get on with it, but now I cant stop crying, I feel real bad, like I've doen soemthing wrong and I just feel plain useless............

You have done nothing wrong and you are not useless. Please remember that.

I wish i was able to say to you that you won't go through this heartbreak again but i can't.

Will your doctor not do tests to see why this has happened again to you ?
I know mine told me they would if i have 3 m/c but that is only it they are one after the other. Because i was able to have Alexander they won't look in to my last one and said i can go on to have more m/c's.

I spoke to my doctor and she said that its normal to have m/c, and because the two I have had are almost 3yrs apart, there is no connection (apparently). if they were closer in time then she said we would have to have a look, but for now its your body rejecting what was probably a unhealthy baby.

I dont know, my head is not all there at the moment, so i dont know anything.

Rick just sent me a msg all it said was I love you babe, It made me cry, He knows something is wrong, but im scared to tell him.
Oh why does this whole thing have to be so hard?

This whole thing is just making me not want to wait 2yrs to ttc for #1, I want to try and have one now, I dont know if its because of this but I really want to start ttcing now, well atleast after af goes of course.

Did anyone else feel like this after they m/c?? Wanting to try right after they found out?

Oh Naomi, I am so sorry to hear your news. I really feel for you.

You sound so distressed. I wish there was something I could do to help you.

I've had 3 m/c's myself - 2 before Jacob was conceived, and 1 just a few weeks ago. So take my situation as an example of the fact that you CAN have a healthy baby following 2 m/c - I did. I don't think I believed it would happen until he was actually born, but he is here, and healthy and happy.

You're not useless Naomi, and you've done nothing wrong. This is NOT your fault. I can't emphasise that enough. And just because your little angels aren't physically here with you, doesn't mean you're not a Mummy. You ARE a Mummy. You are a Mummy to 2 very special little angels.

I really think you should sit down and tell Rick what is going on. Perhaps you could show him this thread (or print it out) so he knows why you didn't tell him straight away. Communication in a relationship, particularly during these hard times is essential, and you need his love and support.

Thinking of you Naomi........

Thankyou Melinda for your kind words.

I wish it was all a horrible dream and that I might wake up real soon.

This m/c has really knocked me off my feet this time round.

I have exahusted myself out today by crying so much and doing to much thinking. I might put my head down for a quick 1/2hr nap or so, just to try and lift my spirits a bit. Im so not myself right now, i need to do something to calm me down and relax me.

I will talk to Rick tonight, I think that by that stage I will be ok to talk about it.

Aww Naomi, I am so sorry you are going through this again. :hugs:

Please know, it definitley wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do to prevent this. I wish there was something I could do for you, to take the pain away.

I would definitley suggest you talk to Rick and let him know what has happened. You may find it will help you with grieving , esp if you grieve together. I know for me it would've been ten times harder to heal if it wasn't for Rob and all the wonderful girls here on BB. Sometmes it does help to talk about things and let it all out. By the sounds of it Rick is a very caring and supportive guy and will be there for you no matter what.

I totally know how you feel about wanting to TTC again, after a m/c. I know after my 2 m/cs all I wanted to do was TTC again and become pregnant again. i wanted to start to straight away but was told to wait for 2 AFs which I admit was so very hard seeing and hearing of all these people getting BFPs and being pregnant. You will be p againoneday and give eirth to a beautiful healthy little baby, so please do not ever feel it won't happen, because it will.

Please take time out to grieve. Scream, yell, punch a pillow, do whatever you feel you need to do. Also remember we are all here for you if you ever want to chat.

Take Care of yourself.

Thinking of you.

Love
Kazz
xoxoxox

I hope having a bit of a nap helped Naomi. Sometimes it helps you feel a bit recharged doesn't it.

Let us know how the talk with Rick went, ok?

Sweety Im so very sorry, you've had this stolen from you again.
If you can't find the words to tell him then maybe let him read what you've posted.

Dear Naomi. I am so so sorry to read your posts. I missed them earlier when I replied to you in my own thread. You are amazing to have posted for me when you were also going through a MC and your own pain.

I know that with my last 2 MC that we tried again straight away. I just couldn't wait. It was too hard.

I also went to bed this afternoon, hoping it would all go away while I was asleep. But it didn't. Nothing can take away your pain, but time.

Good luck with Rick. Remember that you are not alone.

(((HUGS))) Tash

I finally told him, about 1/2 hr ago (he's in the shower at moment). I kept being quiet and then looking like i was going to tell him but then didnt, I cried a bit then finally said it, he just said 'i know babe, you didnt have to tell me' and just held me. I cried and to make me laugh he said 'your leeking on my shoulder, i must wipe your leekage off my shoulder' he said you knew that i knew before you told me, i noded but said, i still had to tell you.

He's been really good about it

Have to go he is out of shower and we have a soccer game to get to

So thankyou girls you have been great

Tash you did the same thing O:) Thankyou, you are just as amazing

That's great Naomi. It sounds like you guys have a great connection.

oh Naomi I am so sorry I didn't see this earlier,
I am so sorry for your loss you know I am here for you if you need me, and please remember that in no way is this your fault and you will one day have your little baby in your arms.
I hope you feel better soon {{HUGE HUGS}} for you I am thinking of you :flower:

Naomi ~ How are you today ?

Thinking of you heaps and sending you lots of :hugs:

Aww Naomi, thats great you managed to tell him and what a wonderful supportive guy he sounds like.

Thinking of you :hugs:

Love
Kazz
xoxox

Amym Thankyou. I have sent you an email too. I know its not my fault, but it still doesnt quite feel right.
Its crazy how this has affected me so differently then the last m/c i had.
I was out all day yesterday so I didnt have a chance to get on here til this morning. Its not your fault you didnt see my post asap, you wernt expected to, noone was, it was such a suprise to me as it was to you. Its ok I know how you feel. I know you would have rushed over here to be with me if you could, and I love you for it.
Thankyou.

Michelle I too have sent you an email. Thankyou for your concern, I am doing better today thankyou. Just little steps at a time.
As Rick said 'It'll happen when its ment to', I will feel like that to real soon I hope.

Melinda I cherish the connection we have, I have never had that before. So yeah it is a great connection. I wouldnt change it for the world, only maybe parts of it sometimes prehaps on loan, men can still be just men!! lol

I was wondering if anyone knew if it was normal or not, to stop bleeding completely (even when wiping) 2 and 1/2 days after m/c? Im not in any pain today, just had a few more heavier pains then normal on tuesday and normal AF pains yesterday, and nothing today.
I dont know if Im supposed to be worried or not. Last m/c i bleed for about 1 wk with normal AF pains throughout.

Ok have slightly started to bleed again.
Mayhem over!!!!

From yesterday afternoon, i didnt feel like myself, I felt like the way I did on Sunday just before the m/c.
Is this normal?? Not feeling your self 4 days later??
I am a bit concerned about it, not feeling myself has only led to trouble! i.e dont feel myself and I get sick, dont feel myself and I m/c, not once have i felt like this and had a positive outcome, but is that just me being negative??

I sure talk alot dont i??? I just hope im not dribbling cr@p

Naomi - I think it is perfectly "normal" to not feel right several days after the MC. Your hormone levels are fluctuating and this can greatly affect you physically, emotionally, mentally. Not to mention just the emotional upheaval from the loss. Hang in there as best you can.

Tash

Aww Naomi, it is perfectly normal to be feeling the way you are atm. Losing a baby is a heartbreaking thing to happen Everyone takes time to grieve in their own way. As Tash has said your hormones are changing, so of course your emotions are going to be everywhere.

Give yourself time to grieve, try not to be hard on yourself in anyway. If you feel like you need to scream, go for it or punch a pillow do that but please don't make yourself sick in anyway. We are all here for you if you need to chat, cry or whatever.

Love
Kazz
xoxox

Thankyou Tash and Kazz,

It is funny I felt fine half the day then earlier this evening i was an emotional wreck, crying over anything, now Im ok again.
It was no where near the same the last time, its like im m/c for the first time.

Awww Naomi, it is good you are allowing yourself to grieve, by crying. its the best way to help you heal. I know I was an emotional wreck for days esp. whe we lost ~Matthew~ sometimes I was just sitting doing nothing and all of a sudden I was an emotional wreck all over again.

It will feel like you m/ced for the first time all over again You will be feeling different and even grieving differently with this m/c as it was another baby you were having and all those hopes and dreams you had for your little ~angel baby~ have now sadly gone. Please don't punish yourself for this as it is completley normal.

I am glad you are feeling ok again, and if you do have another breakdown, let it all out and don't feel bad in anyway.

Thinking of you.

Love
Kazz
oxoxox

Thanks Em
Im better today. It was a week last night, and Rick took me out with his mate to get my mind off it. It worked I didnt even think about it last night (although yesterday itself i did), until I woke up this morning and went wow.
Hope you are feeling better to Emma

naomi,

I want to say that i am so sorry for your loss and have tears from reading your posts up until you told him and then the flood gates opened.

Hoping that your dreams will be fulfilled as a mum soon.

Please take care of your heart.

Your DH is so great the way he tried to cheer you up and support you.

Chris

Thankyou Chris your kind words and thoughts mean alot to me.
Ricki is a great support for me and i know one day he will make a great dad!

naomi: without a doubt he will make a great dad. That shows within the love that he has for you.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Thinking of you, like the other ladies have said, if you need to talk we are here.

Chris

Thanks Chris.
I have my good days and my bad ones, but the bad ones are becoming less and less frequant, which is good. I think.
There are days when i think, i wont be a good mum, thats why it happened, but then other days im like its not my fault and i will be a good mum.
I just want this Dr app to hurry up and be over, so i can get on with life and do what i need to, IYKWIM. But am dreading the dr app too.