I was almost 2 weeks late for Af, which sometimes is normal, but I felt different this time. On Sunday I did not feel myself at all, now I know why.

Rick was home yesterday as he was painting the bathroom, toilet and hallway. Af came yesterday morning, I had some cramping but thought it was cos' af was late (as they generally happens to me), it was reasonable light, then at about 4, Rick begged me to go to the shop so I said yeah just need to go to the toilet first and change my thing, (i love grossing him out it makes me laugh), I went to the toilet and there was this pretty big clot.
I knew what it was (this is the way it happened last time). I cried a bit in the toilet. Then Rick come banging saying he needs to get into the toilet, I freaked out..........How am I going to tell him? (i'll explain why a bit later), so i got out and went to wash my hands in the kitchen sink and just stood there, i couldnt help myself and tears started streaming down my face, Rick came in and was like if its going to make you upset you dont need to go, I smiled a bit, He kept asking what was wrong, then I think he just knew, I told him why i was going to the toilet and went into the toilet making jokes and came out really upset, he kept trying to get it out of me, but he also just kept hugging me and giving me a kiss on my forhead every time I was in the same room, he would even come seek me out making sure i was ok.
Then his mate come over and went fishing, he kept asking me to go but i kept saying no i just want to stay here.
Thats when i got angry at him and over the whole friggin thing, although Ricks mum was here when he left, I still got angry being left alone.
I went to bed shortly after Rick and his mate got home, was fast asleep when Rick finally made it to bed, and I was extreamly tired to even really focus this morning when he came and said goodbye and went to work.

I now sit here crying for the fact I have the title 'Mummy' taken away from me yet again, and wondering how do I tell anyone. I know we arnt ttcing for a while, but still we could have managed we wouldve made it work.
I want to tell Rick but the words dont seem right 'hey babe had another miscarriage yesterday', or 'sorry I killed your child again!'
Dont quite make it easy to tell him.

When I first joined BB, Rick always kept asking me who I was writing to when I was posting to someone in the miscarriage thread. So i told him thats what i was doing. Finally the other night he was like, 'why do you keep talking to girls who have had miscarriages? Have you had one?' I said 'yeah, but you know about that' and he said 'So you havnt had one since?' and when i said no, he looked so relieved and happy and then said 'good, cos the next thing that happens in your belly will be our kid, full term and healthy, whenever that happens' so i promised him that he would be the first to know if i have another miscarriage, now i have broken that promise and i still dont know how to tell him, and its making me feel worse, cos i know he wants to know.

Im so upset yet so angry at the same time, am I not supposed to be a Mummy????????????????????????????????????????????? ?