Too tough for me...

This is a vent, pure and simple...

I just feel that its all too tough for me. That I am conquered by a tiny baby. I know these are irrational thoughts, but I honestly feel like everything I do is wrong.

I had a mothers group thing today on sleep, and everyone was talking about their babies sleeping habits, and the process of putting baby to sleep in its cot, rather than forming sleep associations. Most of their babies are tiny, and I just want to rewind to when my baby was tiny and just start again. She was a great sleeper to begin with, but I had issues with putting her in her cot, so I let her sleep in my arms always. Fast forward 10 weeks and she is a nightmare to put to sleep. Now she won't sleep unless it is in my arms...

I feel like everyone is saying "I told you so" when I describe my issue, and that I should have put her to sleep by herself from the beginning. I had an issue though with putting her down...almost like I wasn't confident enough to do it...or that my baby needs ME all the time.

Honestly, what is wrong with me???? I feel reduced to a speck of the person I used to be.

I want to solve this issue, but I CANNOT bear to hear her cry...

I feel like I am the problem, not her, and if I was stronger, I wouldn't be in the state I am now.

:hug: you know when she is 2 and pushing you away you will be glad you held her to go to sleep.. Event hough I get tired of always being the one to get DD to sleep.. nothing beats that sweet contented lok on her face.. She does go in her cot from time to time awake but most nights and day sleeps she has a feed then cuddles off to sleep.. I enjoy it because I know it won't last..

you do whats right for you and your Dd.. If it does get tiring maybe encourage Dh to get her off to sleep..

:hug: Its so hard not to compare. You have done a wonderful job making your baby feel safe and secure! You know what she may not have slept well if you put her in her cot either. i feel like this sometimes but when I wake up in the morning to beautiful hugs from DS its all worth the no sleep!
Don't be too hard on your self! Your doing an amazing job :hug:

You know, it really makes me mad when mums are made to feel this way, like there is this "one" way for your child to sleep and if you don't conform to it, you have somehow failed. Its just not right.

I certainly felt that way. Until Peter was about 6-7 months old, I was rocking him to sleep. Then we decided to do some sleep training and it worked fantastically. Now he settles himself like a charm. But I can tell you, I tried to do it when he was younger and he just wasn't ready. He had to be a certain age before he could do it, and all the months of rocking him to sleep didn't ruin his developing the ability to self-settle.

What I have learned is that you should do what works to get through. There is plenty of time to develop different habits when they are older and more ready for it. You are NOT creating some "forever" rod for your back- you are doing what works for you and your baby right now. Over time you can work at developing self settling, when you both are ready. It will happen eventually. Don't be hard on yourself, your baby is still very young, there is HEAPS of time.

BTW, now that Peter self settles, he will NOT sleep in my arms. I really miss it!! Try to appreciate if you can, instead of feeling like you are constantly swimming upstream. I know that feeling, like you are fighting nature- much easier to go with the flow!

Big hugs, you are doing a great job!

OK, so I openly admit I am ranting on this, but this whole "you created a rod for your own back" mentality just makes me really mad. Can you believe that when I was in hospital, just when my beautiful brand new baby was born, I slept with me holding him and I had some (not all, but some) midwives tell me I was creating a rod for my own back. C'mon!

I think the rod thing is nonsense. Rant over, sorry :redface:

anna, you are not doing everyrthing wrong. I think the trying to fight against what works for you and go with this "lay down while drowsy and teach them to self settle from the moment they are born" formula makes you feel like you are wrong. But you aren't. You're being a great mama!

Oh my, I can't believe I am so worked up about this! :lol:

:hug: Will she co-sleep Anna?

Anna :hug: You are doing a fantastic job, and you are providing a warm and caring environment for your DD. If you are happy letting her sleep in your arms, do it, dont let anyone else tell you its the "wrong" thing to do. Do what works for you and DD. If you are wanting to get things done while she sleeps, do you use a sling? If you are wanting to get her to sleep by herself I know many mums on here rave about hammocks.
I let both DS & DD sleep on me for at least 6 months (during the day) and even my mum :wall: used to tell me i was "making a rod for my own back" but twas not true, both of them eventually were ready go to sleep by themselves in their beds without tears.
You are a wonderful mum :hug:

Bah rod shamod.. what a bunch of bullcrap.

Sometimes DD goes to sleep in my arms.... sometimes she goes to sleep by herself... and I just go with the flow - I let her dictate it to me, cos really, what else do I have to do? Housework? Bahhh.. I can do that when she's asleep (well in theory, not easy with a toddler - usually I do it when they are BOTH asleep at night).

If she is happy sleeping in your arms - and you are happy providing that environment - don't listen to anyone else. She is still too young to be "manipulating" you.

You don't want to start doing things that you don't feel is your natural, instinctive parenting - and then regret doing it when she's older.

:hug: She just wants to be with her mummy that's all.... grab yourself a sling and dance around the house.. that'll bounce her off to sleep ;)

Anna, I have felt the same as you. With all of my girls I have rocked them to sleep. I too couldn't bare to hear them cry when i put them into their cots. Other Mums would tell me how their bubs self settled themselves to sleep and would feel like I wasn't doing the right thing, until i was home giving them those cuddles - my absolute favourite.
People would say that they were going to be horrible sleepers as they got older, but they go to bed beautifully.
My 18th month old has only started self settling now, and to be honest , I really miss giving her that . I know that if I could have gone through with controlled crying she would have been doing this alot sooner, but I chose not to .
Know that you are a wonderful mother. Your little girl knows that you are there for her - she'll be feeling safe, secure and totally loved.

I cuddled my DS to sleep and slowly over time we have moved from feeding to rocking to lying next to him. Now he even has moments where he can self settle without company. Yes, we co-sleep and there is nothing more precious than waking with him cuddled up to you or DH. He was always *high need* and CC was never going to be an option. His personality doesn't allow it and I can't do it.

My DD is fed or cuddled to sleep and sleeps in a side car (or tucked up with me).

Your baby DOES need you. You are not making a rod for your back, you are raising your child with comfort and love and in a way that makes you happy too. My theory is whatever works and whatever gets you through the day. They are little for such a short time. Be proud of the parenting choices you make :hug:

I was i the same situation with my dd when she was a baby....All my mothers group would have there kids fall asleep in there cots and not pick them up and yes there kids slept fine but I could never do it...Everytime my dd cried it was instinct for me to go in and comfort my dd ..I had a constent battle going on in my head until after 5 months I decided that I was going to do tings that felt like the right way for me and dd and that was to hold her in my arms while sitting in the rocking chair until she fall asleep..watching her little eyes close and knowing that she fall asleep happy and feeling secure in her mummies arms...sure it took her longer to sleep through the whole night..sure it took me longer to get her to sleep..but next year she is going to school and as you can see i rememebr those moments of her falling asleep in my arms like it was yesterday

Anna one things about babies is they're very adaptable and let you make mistakes, change your mind and negotiate. My little man was a great sleeper who would self settle, blah, blah, blah and then he changed his mind and we would cuddle to sleep and then he changed it back again.

I spose I'm just reinforcing what the others are saying, go with what works for you. You're the one who has to manage it. No matter how tired I am there is nothing more special than cuddling a sleepy baby.

As for sleep associations, my daughter is 16 and still has her 'doggy' that she cuddles when tired or feeling a bit down. Nothing better than having something to comfort you, shame food does it for me ;)

dont be hard on yourself! You are doing te right thing trusting your instincts and cuddling her to sleep. By doing this for her you now have to cuddle her for every sleep, this doesn't suit everyone but it is okay, you can just relax and do it. The other mums who put their babies in the cot and let them cry to sleep have to spend hours each day listening to their poor babies cry. Instead you get to spend those hours snuggling your precious happy baby to sleep. You shouldn't feel bad, you should feel lucky, you are doing a wonderful job!

Oh honey! :hug: :hug: :hug:

I have been there. OH BOY have I been there. And I had the rodders (including my mum!) telling me I'd be rocking her to sleep when she was 16 :rolleyes:

But I couldn't (still can't) bear to hear her cry in her cot, knowing she is crying out for me, wanting me to help her, cuddle her, and just be close.

Fighting your instincts just causes more distress for you AND bub in my experience. For a few days I tried the crying thing, and in the end I was so hysterical seriously just listening to her cry increased my stress levels 100-fold. And everyone said this would be EASIER?!?!?!?!? It wasn't for us. Jazz would cry and cry and cry and I would cry and cry and cry...

Cuddles and rocking just worked so much better, and you know, she's not going to be this little forever. One day she'll be too big to be rocked to sleep. To big to fit inside our arms. Enjoy it, they're only this little once, and know that you are following your HEART and your INSTINCTS. There came a time where all of a sudden she was ok to be asleep on the bed. She did have a little whinge when I put her down but I turn on the mobile music, let her know I'm not going far, and she is used to the bed...

BTW, even though nights are an issue for us, getting her to sleep during the day is generally not an issue at all. Most of the time I do feed to sleep, BUT she has learnt that bed = sleep, and I say to her "good night Jazz, I love you, have a good sleep and I'll see you when you wake up" and she has a little whinge/protest, a little coo at her bed teddy and then its snoozy time. So you WONT be rocking forever, or holding her forever, I can promise you that!

Its hard when you feel so tied to a baby, like you don't have any space of your own, but I promise most of us have had MANY MANY MANY days like that, with a velcro child who refuses to be anywhere else but attached to you!

You are doing a FANTASTIC job. Your daughter knows she is loved, cherished and above everything else SAFE. She loves you so much and feels so safe and secure in your arms that its the only place she wants to be. Its an honour! (Sometimes it doesn't feel like that but it is an honour ;)).

Even at 2 yrs old i still have probs getting my son to sleep. its never ending u probably dont wanna even hearthat sorry, lack of sleep

Thanks so much everyone for your responses! I really appreciate the support!

The thing is, she sleeps really well at night. 6 hr stretches even. I feed her to sleep at night, but was trying to stop it in the day because some "professional" told me to...

The battle of instinct v professional is seriously screwed...I can't believe I fell for it.

Thank you again for your wise words and loving hugs...I feel so much more supported in my decision now!

Trust yourself hun, trust your instincts. Do what YOU feel is right xxx

I tried to post this last night but was having dramas with the net - thought Id post it anyway :)

anna - you are doing a wonderful job and dont let anyone tell you otherwise! :hug:

You are the perfect mummy for your gorgeous girl

Its normal to not want to hear her cry

She is a teeny tiny baby and she needs you and there is plenty of time until you have to worry about her "sleep habits"

There is NOTHING wrong with you!!!!!!! :hug:

They grow up so fast, trust your instincts as you will never get this time back again.
You are doing a fantastic job!

anna - I read somewhere (not going to get the quote quite right) that whatever you do with your baby (well provided you aren't harming them in any way) isn't a problem unless it's a problem for you. Does that make sense? I mean that if you are happy to rock your baby to sleep then it's NOT a problem. If you aren't happy to rock your baby to sleep then it is a problem. I was rocking my DD to sleep and I was happy to do it, but it got to a stage where rocking her to sleep wasn't working any more and nothing I tried was working (sling, pram, rocking, etc). So she was getting extremely over tired and I was having no time out because I have no one around to help during the day. It got to the point that I wasn't happy to rock her to sleep any more so I got help to learn new settling techniques (not CC - there's no way I could leave her to cry). I still love rocking and cuddling her and we do plenty of that. I wish I could still rock her to sleep because I did enjoy it. But when I was rocking for two hours and she wasn't sleeping at all it just got too much for me. It's early days in using the new settling techniques so maybe they too will fail at some point, but for now I'm finding she gets much more sleep and I'm having some time out, which we both need. HTH

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The thing is, she sleeps really well at night. 6 hr stretches even. I feed her to sleep at night, but was trying to stop it in the day because some "professional" told me to...

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Sounds to me like you've hit a pretty magic formula then! You are clearly doing something very, very right!! Good on you for listening to your instincts.

When I was having trouble settling Clare, I too couldn't bring myself to just put her in the cot and let her cry, but I also had a shoulder injury that meant that holding her as much as she wanted to be held was not an option either. I would swaddle her and put her in her cot next to my bed and pat and stroke her until she went to sleep, instead. She was never crying unaccompanied, and didn't cry much, to be honest, but it saved my aching arms and back a bit :)

I'm not saying you need to do that - but I'm backing the previous poster who says the most important thing to do is what works for you and your baby, and other people's opinions just don't come into it. They aren't the ones taking responsibility for this child, you are, and you're doing a great job of it.