35 weeks and 1 day

Riley was born sleeping on the 26th March 2009 at 35 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with contractions and my husband and I were so excited, a little early but we were over the moon!! The midwife tried to find his heartbeat but couldn't (we wern't that worried because he was always hard to find) so they sent us for an ultrasound. When we got back to the room the doctor came in and told us that our baby had no heartbeat and had passed away! Our world just stopped spining! The doctor told us we could go home and wait but i still can't understand why because my contractions were 3-5 mins apart. I chose to stay.

My Obstetrician was in surgery and we didn't know what to do, Mum and Dad live 8 hrs away (we had already rang them and they were already on their way home) , My husbands parents were 2 Hrs away at a doctors appointment. I don't ever think we have ever felt so alone! So we rang my GP who had been an Obstetrician and he cancelled all of his appointments and came straight to the hospital ( he is a truly great man and i have every respect for him and can't thank him enough for what he did that day)

Knowing that i was going to give birth to my baby but it wouldn't be a happy time like it should have been was one of the hardest things i have ever done. after 7 Hrs at the haspital Riley James was born weighing 4lb 2oz at 5:33pm. The room was silent except for my husbands sobs, it just wasn't fair Riley should have been screaming the walls down. I was scared to look at him but when i did he was perfect (he just looked asleep) I got no say in his looks, he was his Daddy all over.

It didn't really sink in untill they took him and dressed him in some baby clothes and then i just broke down and cried and cried. I only held him once and i will always regret that i never held him close and told him that i love him, told him how much i wanted him and needed him, i didn't hold him and said goodbye, I just sat there and looked at his perfect face and cried.

I went home that night, I couldn't stay there all night and listen to other babys cry it just tore me to pieces. Walking out of the hospital empty handed is something no mother should have to do.

All of the tests they did came back normal, they couldn't find and reason as to why our little boy had left us and that is so hard to understand and except, but we know we have to move on and keep his memory alive.

We went to visit his grave the other day and i got out to open the gate and a butterfly flew around my head for ages then landed on my face and hands, then landed on my lips. It flew in the open window of the car and landed on my husbands arm, then flew out, landed on me again then flew away. I just sat in the car and cried again i don't know if im just being silly but i think it was Riley telling us that he is ok. Well i beleive it anyway and it gives me a bit of comfort. So everytime i see a butterfly i think of him and smile.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since Riley was born and to go shopping and hear a baby cry tears me to pieces, my heart hurts every time. I go back to work next week because i don't like being at home alone but i work in a supermarket so i think im going to have to be very strong.

Sorry its so long I just needed to talk. Thanks..

Rest In Peace my Angel Boy.

Riley James 26/3/09 :angel:

:crying: I am so terribly sorry for your loss. :comfort:

Fly with the angels little Riley.

hugs to you, I'm sure Riley was telling you he was ok through the butterfly :comfort:

RIP little man

Samcougar, I truly do believe your son was communicating through the butterfly. I am sorry for your loss - words fail me.

Fly free Riley - may you rest in peace and watch over your mum.

Welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry it is under such tragic circumstances. :comfort:

Thankyou for sharing your's and Riley's story.

This is such a difficult time and it feels like you will forever be sad - in time the sadness will be manageable - though it will always be there for your little boy.

You didn't need the right words to say goodbye - Riley knows you love him - and I too think the butterfly was his way of touching you both again and reassuring you.

Have you been in touch with SIDS or SANDS? Both are great organisations that many families find very helpful.

Youw will find much loving support in here too - many women who have travelled a similar path to yourself.

Sending you my love and support... Fly Safely Riley - :comfort:

I am so very sorry for your loss :hug:.

How beautiful about the butterfly, it was definitely Riley's way of comforting you.

My heart goes out to you !

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

Fly free little angel !

Take care
xxxxooooo

So sorry for your loss! What a lovely little boy to come to you when you needed him the most at the grave site! I will never look at a butterfly the same way again!

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. It is true a mother should never leave the hospital with empty hands and a broken heart. Your little butterfly will always be with you.

Take care

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prays are with you and your husband.

You have the support of everyone here at BB.

RIP Riley

I am so so sorry for your loss. I am sure that was Riley come to say goodbye to you. Be gentle with yourself. I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

Oh samcougar, welcome to belly belly - but so sorry to be welcoming you in such horrible circumstances.

I too think that butterfly was your little boy.

Rest in peace beautiful

i'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl last year and often when i am thinking of her or just having a tough day i see a butterfly and it reminds me that she will always be with me. I'm sure your little boy knows how much his mummy loves him and is always watching over you. Be kind to yourself and take the time to heal their is so many wonderful people here that are always ready to listen.

I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your story.. Come in here for support anytime you need to, unfortunantely there are families who understand and can relate to what you are feeling.. :hug:

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us all. I hope you can feel the embrace from all of the women here who have read your story and been moved by it.

I am so pleased for you that Riley sent you such a clear and beautiful message in the flight of the butterfly. What a lovely calm and peaceful reminder of your little boy the butterfly offers.

I just don't know what to say... but I am thinking of you and send you hugs. I hope that work is ok for you and that you find some comfort being around other people.

Love to you and your DH.

I am so sorry for your loss :hug:

I think the butterfly was something magical..

Samcougar - I am so sincerely sorry for your heartbreaking loss :comfort:. It must be very hard to not only try and deal with your loss, but also to not be given a medical reason. You tell your story with great dignity and love. I also believe that butterfly crossed your path for a very special reason. Please take care of yourself xx

:crying:

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks as I know the devastating effects of a baby born still.

Take care of yourself.

my heart goes out to you samcougar - no mother should ever have to go through the pain you are feeling right now

I am so sorry for your loss SamCougar, my heart is breaking for you and your husband.

Rest in peace beautiful Riley, and may you always watch over your mother and father x

SamCougar - I am so saddened by your and your DH's loss.

Oh honey, I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss :hug:. This should never happen to anyone. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Rest in eternal peace little man. Riley was definitely with you that day at the cemetary, how very special hun.
Beata xxx

I'm so sorry SamCougar & totally devastated for you & your DH :(

Words can not express how sorry I am for the loss of your precious boy.
You're right, no mother should have to walk away empty handed after giving birth, it's just not right and so, so unfair.
May you rest in peace little angel.
xxx

I am so incredbily sorry for the loss of your precious son, Riley James.
May he rest in peace and play with the other angels.

i am so so so very sorry for your loss, words cant express how sorry i am

rest in peace Riley James, your mummy and daddy love you very much and you will forever be in there hearts

samcougar please be gentle on youself, if you need to talk, cry ,vent, we will be here to help you through it

take care

Samcougar, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing yours and Riley's story with us here.
There are many supportive organisations that are around to help you through this difficult time. Please don't be afraid to reach out and to talk more, if that's what you feel you need to do.
I loved hearing about that butterfly. That is one of those special moments that you can treasure in your heart.
Know that we are here for you if you need to talk, and I wish you all the best as you return to work. :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Riley will always be with you I am sure of it.

Your beautiful butterfly boy will be with you always.

I pray that you and your DH receive all of the love and support you need at this time.

Blessings and strength to you both :comfort:

My heart goes out to you and your DH on the tragic loss of your beautiful baby boy.
Take care, xx

Thankyou all so very much! It's comforting to know there are some wonderful people out there who really care!
Thankyou for all of your support and kind words. We will get through this and Riley will forever be in our hearts. We can only hope that this will never happen to anyone else but sadly it does, we never heard anything about stillbirths untill we lost our little Riley, but as we found out after it happened it has touched so many people close to us, they just don't talk about it untill something like this happens.
Our Riley will be talked about and remembered fondly because he's not just a sastistic, he our first son and always will be.
Thankyou all once again.

I'm so sorry Samcougar - my heart is breaking for you. I'm glad you can find some comfort from the ladies on here. Goodbye Riley, you must have been far too beautiful for this world. Take care of yourselves, I wish you all the strength you need to grieve for your beautiful baby boy. xx

Samcougar, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious son Riley. You and your DH will be in my prayers :hug: How very beautiful that your son was communicating with you through the butterfly. He is truly free and at peace. Take care of yourself.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Reading your story was like reliving my own all over again my first baby, my daughter Isabel was born sleeping 9 weeks ago at 30wks and 5days. It was like you were putting words to my feelings. So please no that you are not alone.
If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here and like you I work at a supermarket. I went back 3weeks after Isabel was born and it still hurts me to this day. So if you need any advise or just someone that knows what you are going through and will be going through just let me know.

Oh samcougar, i have tears streaming down my face!

I am just so so so very sorry.... :hug: for you and DH..

Oh i dont know whatelse to say... but i am so sorry...

Much love and light healing to you and your husband...

:hug:

oh I am sooooo sorry to read you story, I have tears streaming down my face.

The message that Riley sent you via the Butterfly is gorgeous and so touching.

May he RIP with the other angels

Huge hugs to you and be strong

Hope you find support and comfort in BB its a great place.

xoxox

Hi samcougar...

I am so sad to hear that your Little Angel Riley has flown to the Angels :hug:

I got the biggest shivers all over my body when reading about your butterfly- i am even getting them again now just thinking about it- i know for sure that was your little man making a connection with you.

I have two Angel Children- Darren (18weeks) and Zahra(34 weeks 5 days)- and butterflies are my symbol for my son as well- after i lost him i would see them everywhere- they would fly around my car as i drove and when i find mself thinking about Darren- sure enough a butterfly is never far away.

I agree- you will need to very strong to go back to work so soon- and i would almost recomend you dont- even though i know all to well how hard it is to be home alone- i also know what it is like to try and go to work in a very public place. I was working in a pub when i lost Zahra- and i went back to work about three months later and customers- though the mean well will break your heart.

I had the problem of some of my customers not knowing what had happened.

The would approach me with the best of intentions asking me how the baby was- did i have a boy or girl? How am i enjoying motherhood? And that was sooooo hard to handle. I lost count of how many times a day i had to tell someone that my baby had died. And then continue on with my shift with tears welling and attempt to be friendly and serve more cutomers.

I dont mean to scare you- but no matter how many people you think may know and no matter how small the supermarket- i can almost gaurantee that this will happen to you and i know how dificult it will be for you- and i just think you should be prepared and maybe take it one day at a time- if your employers are understanding that will be a huge help- but just make sure you have the freedom to be able to say "im sorry i have had enough today i am going home" :hug:

I didnt spend alot of time with my angels either- with Darren i didnt see him at all- he was born with the sac intatct- and i have a photo of him that the midwives took, but thats all. and with Zahra i had an emergency c section and was very out of it for some time- i did spend some time with her- but looking back not as much as i would have liked- but at the time it was enough as like you all i could do was cry :(
Try not to feel bad about not saying all that you wanted to, Riley knows how much you love him and wanted him and would have cared for him- and you can still show him that by remembering him- and visiting his grave often and talking to him still. He will always live in your heart and be a part of your life forever- and he chose you to be his mummy- and he knows that you miss him and love him. :hug:

I am rambling now and crying just thinking of you- if you ever want to talk please dont hesitate to pm me.

I am so sorry that you came home from hospital with empty arms- it is one of the hardest thing you will ever do in your life oxox

Goodbye Riley- May the Angel Babies Welcome you with love :hug:

Take Care
StarBright
xoxox

oh hun. Hugs to you both. How tragic :(

RIP angel Riley

I have tears streaming from my face. I can't even begin to imagine the heart ache. I'm so terribly sad for you, I don't know what else to say.

hi

So sorry to hear about your story, it is the worst thing a mother could imagine. Riley was a beautiful little boy and will always be with you in your heart and in your thoughts.
I had my daughter Milana at 41 weeks, she was with us for 43 too short hours, just to let you know I empathise and know exactly how you feel, you are in my thoughts.
Try and do things to remember your son now, it really helps me with the grief over Milana.
I visit the grave often, I write poetry for her, paint pictures, write in a journal, am about to start a scrapbook with pictures thoughts and feelings in it, have had a piccie names in the sand (google it) done, and am in the process of collecting teddy bears in memory of her (google - bears of hope or teddy love club). I also have had a locket made with a butterfly on and am having her name put on the back, I will keep a lock of hair in it.
My daughter is also known as the butterfly, everything I do for her is connected to butterflys, here is the poem I have for her, I printed this out for her funeral, you can use it if you want, just change the 'she's to 'he's', hope you like it.

The Butterfly
They had her there, resting on the palm of their hands for a while.
She was all they ever wanted.
Sometimes her wings were closed.
Motionless.

At other times, in their dreams, she spread her wings open in the bright sunshine,
displaying her colourful patterns.
They truly loved her.
She knew that.

They told her she was special and beautiful, they saw the beauty.
They appreciated her true colours.
But they couldn't keep her.
They knew that.

She was born to fly.

She had been beautiful in their hands, but in flight she soared.
In the garden amongst the colourful, sweet-fragranced flowers.
Her habitat.
Free.

In letting her go, they made her happy.
But she would always have their warmth and love.
Always and forever.
For all of eternity.

or there is this one, that I am hoping to put on the grave stone:

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam,
and for a brief moment,
its glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again,
and though we wish it could have stayed,
we feel lucky to have seen it at all.

Please be kind to yourself and contact us whenever you feel the need, if you would like to talk, just post a message on this thread and I will briefly post my email address on here, as I realise you are unable to pm anyone at the moment, as you only have a new account.

Thinking of you and your gorgeous little buttefly Riley.