thread: 35 weeks and 1 day

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Add Samcougar on Facebook

    Apr 2009
    NSW, Australia

    35 weeks and 1 day

    Riley was born sleeping on the 26th March 2009 at 35 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with contractions and my husband and I were so excited, a little early but we were over the moon!! The midwife tried to find his heartbeat but couldn't (we wern't that worried because he was always hard to find) so they sent us for an ultrasound. When we got back to the room the doctor came in and told us that our baby had no heartbeat and had passed away! Our world just stopped spining! The doctor told us we could go home and wait but i still can't understand why because my contractions were 3-5 mins apart. I chose to stay.

    My Obstetrician was in surgery and we didn't know what to do, Mum and Dad live 8 hrs away (we had already rang them and they were already on their way home) , My husbands parents were 2 Hrs away at a doctors appointment. I don't ever think we have ever felt so alone! So we rang my GP who had been an Obstetrician and he cancelled all of his appointments and came straight to the hospital ( he is a truly great man and i have every respect for him and can't thank him enough for what he did that day)

    Knowing that i was going to give birth to my baby but it wouldn't be a happy time like it should have been was one of the hardest things i have ever done. after 7 Hrs at the haspital Riley James was born weighing 4lb 2oz at 5:33pm. The room was silent except for my husbands sobs, it just wasn't fair Riley should have been screaming the walls down. I was scared to look at him but when i did he was perfect (he just looked asleep) I got no say in his looks, he was his Daddy all over.

    It didn't really sink in untill they took him and dressed him in some baby clothes and then i just broke down and cried and cried. I only held him once and i will always regret that i never held him close and told him that i love him, told him how much i wanted him and needed him, i didn't hold him and said goodbye, I just sat there and looked at his perfect face and cried.

    I went home that night, I couldn't stay there all night and listen to other babys cry it just tore me to pieces. Walking out of the hospital empty handed is something no mother should have to do.

    All of the tests they did came back normal, they couldn't find and reason as to why our little boy had left us and that is so hard to understand and except, but we know we have to move on and keep his memory alive.

    We went to visit his grave the other day and i got out to open the gate and a butterfly flew around my head for ages then landed on my face and hands, then landed on my lips. It flew in the open window of the car and landed on my husbands arm, then flew out, landed on me again then flew away. I just sat in the car and cried again i don't know if im just being silly but i think it was Riley telling us that he is ok. Well i beleive it anyway and it gives me a bit of comfort. So everytime i see a butterfly i think of him and smile.

    Its been nearly 3 weeks since Riley was born and to go shopping and hear a baby cry tears me to pieces, my heart hurts every time. I go back to work next week because i don't like being at home alone but i work in a supermarket so i think im going to have to be very strong.

    Sorry its so long I just needed to talk. Thanks..

    Rest In Peace my Angel Boy.

    Riley James 26/3/09
    Last edited by Samcougar; July 12th, 2009 at 09:39 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User

    Dec 2006
    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes...

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

    Fly with the angels little Riley.

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Dec 2006

    hugs to you, I'm sure Riley was telling you he was ok through the butterfly

    RIP little man

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Sep 2008
    South West Sydney, NSW

    Samcougar, I truly do believe your son was communicating through the butterfly. I am sorry for your loss - words fail me.

    Fly free Riley - may you rest in peace and watch over your mum.

  5. #5

    Oct 2005
    A Nestle Free Zone... What about YOU?

    Welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry it is under such tragic circumstances.

    Thankyou for sharing your's and Riley's story.

    This is such a difficult time and it feels like you will forever be sad - in time the sadness will be manageable - though it will always be there for your little boy.

    You didn't need the right words to say goodbye - Riley knows you love him - and I too think the butterfly was his way of touching you both again and reassuring you.

    Have you been in touch with SIDS or SANDS? Both are great organisations that many families find very helpful.

    Youw will find much loving support in here too - many women who have travelled a similar path to yourself.

    Sending you my love and support... Fly Safely Riley -

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber & MPM

    Feb 2007

    I am so very sorry for your loss .

    How beautiful about the butterfly, it was definitely Riley's way of comforting you.

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Feb 2009
    In the poor house...

    My heart goes out to you !

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

    Fly free little angel !

    Take care

  8. #8
    Registered User

    Jan 2008

    So sorry for your loss! What a lovely little boy to come to you when you needed him the most at the grave site! I will never look at a butterfly the same way again!

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Jul 2006

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. It is true a mother should never leave the hospital with empty hands and a broken heart. Your little butterfly will always be with you.

    Take care
    Last edited by Astrolady; April 15th, 2009 at 12:27 PM.

  10. #10
    Registered User

    Jul 2006
    Perth, WA

    I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prays are with you and your husband.

    You have the support of everyone here at BB.

    RIP Riley

  11. #11
    Registered User

    Mar 2008
    mid north coast, nsw

    I am so so sorry for your loss. I am sure that was Riley come to say goodbye to you. Be gentle with yourself. I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

  12. #12
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    Somewhere Over The Rainbow

    Oh samcougar, welcome to belly belly - but so sorry to be welcoming you in such horrible circumstances.

    I too think that butterfly was your little boy.

    Rest in peace beautiful

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Nov 2007
    moranbah qld

    i'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl last year and often when i am thinking of her or just having a tough day i see a butterfly and it reminds me that she will always be with me. I'm sure your little boy knows how much his mummy loves him and is always watching over you. Be kind to yourself and take the time to heal their is so many wonderful people here that are always ready to listen.

  14. #14
    Registered User

    Jul 2008
    Home with my Son :)

    I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your story.. Come in here for support anytime you need to, unfortunantely there are families who understand and can relate to what you are feeling..

  15. #15
    Registered User

    Feb 2008

    Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us all. I hope you can feel the embrace from all of the women here who have read your story and been moved by it.

    I am so pleased for you that Riley sent you such a clear and beautiful message in the flight of the butterfly. What a lovely calm and peaceful reminder of your little boy the butterfly offers.

    I just don't know what to say... but I am thinking of you and send you hugs. I hope that work is ok for you and that you find some comfort being around other people.

    Love to you and your DH.

  16. #16
    Registered User
    Add aussienic on Facebook

    Feb 2005
    Boyne Island

    I am so sorry for your loss

    I think the butterfly was something magical..
    Last edited by Astrolady; April 15th, 2009 at 12:27 PM.

  17. #17
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2008

    Samcougar - I am so sincerely sorry for your heartbreaking loss . It must be very hard to not only try and deal with your loss, but also to not be given a medical reason. You tell your story with great dignity and love. I also believe that butterfly crossed your path for a very special reason. Please take care of yourself xx

  18. #18
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    Sunny Qld

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks as I know the devastating effects of a baby born still.

    Take care of yourself.