Desperate Help with Dobbing 5 yr old

[alias4abit]

ok

Old member new identity for this post cause its really hard to deal with.



OK i have a 5yr old DD, literally any time when she is playing with any other children she dobs all the time, simply over so and so touched me etc so and so not sharing.

It drives most kids and any other adults I am with absolutly insane and I myself am at my wits end about it.

specially recently with the event that occured.

Now I KNOW i have acted wrongly in the instance but She also needs to understand that there is telling the truth and telling half the truth.

In this instance i had a report made about me to DOCS by her teachers after she had told them i had hit her with a object in the eye, which had left a mark.
When in truth I had been telling her for over 15 mins to put the item away an threw the item, which hit her. Now it was not intentially aimed at her (and yes i can see you all now going sure sure , where else was it aimed then?) but I mean it when i say i did not by any means want to hurt her i just wanted her to do as she was told and lost my temper.

After school i spoke to the principal about the instance and they asked DD more questions about the incident and then DOCS was rang by the school again, and I was given a follow up call saying no action would be taken by DOCS but there is a report now on file about it all. and they just spoke to me about services i could use if i needed help.



and after typing all that it now looks like i want her to stop dobbing so I dont get into any more trouble, but I need her to understand the seriousness of her actions and there is a time and place for dobbing.

my main concern is the dobbing when playing with other children.. so any ideas how to stop that?



(oh and if you are going to tell me I did the wrong thing as a parent I already know so please dont, i feel sick with myself for my actions already)

[Pandora]

The rule of thumb that my mum used for us was that if the other child has done or is doing something that will hurt themseves or someone else, then we should tell, but if its something less than that like 'she said this' or something that you define as trivial then we should let it go.

It's a fine line though and a 5 year old might not always unstand or be able to make that disctinction.

[Liz]

My only suggestion, I guess, is to not take any action on the dobbing, just teach her how to deal with the situation herself. If such & such isn't sharing.. then just say "oh well, go find something else to play with for a while". Or if such & such hit me "well, just tell them you don't like that" or "play with someone else".

There's one boy at preschool that Tallon tells me is always throwing sand or hitting him or something, and I just tell him to walk away and find someone nicer to play with when it happens (after asking if he was doing anything to that boy in turn!!)

I think it's important to keep them honest so they do 'dob' when it's important. I'm not sure at a young age they would really be able to distinguish between what should & shouldnt' be told to other people.

I think with the situation you're upset about, it was a good thing that she was so honest really. Yes it nearly got you into a bit of hot water, but I wouldn't like my child to feel like they couldn't say how they got an injury or why they're feeling sad or something, even if it meant I was pulled up on something I did, as mortifying as it would be.

*big hugs* to you. We all make mistakes, best thing is that we can learn from them

[helle]

Do you think maybe your DD was just being honest and it was taken out of context a bit?

The teacher may have asked her what happened to her eye and she has just said "mum threw X at me" Which isn't really dobbing, it's just telling the truth, and being 5 she may not understand what impact it would have on you or think that it required any further details or explanation.

I think with the situation you're upset about, it was a good thing that she was so honest really. Yes it nearly got you into a bit of hot water, but I wouldn't like my child to feel like they couldn't say how they got an injury or why they're feeling sad or something, even if it meant I was pulled up on something I did, as mortifying as it would be.

:yeahthat:

As for the other dobbing, I think what rayrays mum said is excellent advise but I dunno how you'd go with explain it all to a 5yo.


My mum threw a cup at me once in sheer frustration - plastic, luckily! - so don't beat yourself up too much about it. It's just unlucky that it got her

[alias4abit]

yeah i know I am completly mortified about what i did, but i also know my daughter and she is such a attention seeker that (and i was also told by her teacher) she walked straight up to her and said look what my mum did.

i am glad for one aspect though, that she is able to talk about stuff that happens.


its more so trivial dobbing, drives me bonkers. I have told her so many times that she needs to learn to sort out her own problems and try not to even acknowledge the dobbing unless its relevant.

[Sweet Bliss]

My DD, also 5, has been sort of going through this also, but mostly about her Daddy!

They will be playing and he will accidently knock her on the arm or something silly and she will come up and go "Muuuuuum, Daddy hit me...etc etc" which I know is not the truth, because I saw the whole thing!
The best way we have found to deal with this is for me to say to her "You need to talk to Daddy about this not Mummy" and she usually then says "But, but, but" and I am then firm again, and say "This is not to do with Mummy, please talk to Daddy about it", in which case she realises that there is no point. Since I have been really firm about it, she has stopped a lot.
I know when she is just being silly as opposed to when she actually has something serious and important to tell me -her tone of voice is really whiney, where if it is something that is seriously bothering her, she has a really quiet voice, and I know to take her seriously......and she knows Mummy will listen to her and take it seriously, and she knows she can tell me anything.

When she has done it about other children (if it is something silly like such and such took my toy etc etc), then I always tell her not to worry about what they are doing, you just need to make sure you are doing the right thing, and she generally just leaves it there.

I think that it is just an age thing really, and it makes them feel a bit important!

As for dishonesty, the few times she has tried to be dishonest, she has been found out, so she doesn't even bother trying anymore, and is honest even when she knows she might get into trouble!

[Visitor8]

my 5 year old is a dobber too. And although sometimes it drives me bloody crazy, there have been many many times when it has been a great thing, stopped Ashton or Chase getting really hurt, or something similar.

I say go with it. If she dobs and it's something stupid tell her that it's not important and to go play. That's what I do anyways.