stressing about ExP

[Melly01]

Sorry this is a long rant, but figured I should get it out on here before I explode

ExP phoned on the weekend. He called to organise when he is coming to visit DS for his birthday. Which even that on it's own is stressing me out. He is so passive-aggressive, and sometimes just plain verbally aggressive, that the thought of having to see him makes me want to "run for the hills" lol.. So we tried to have a chat on the phone. I was civil and offered some ideas on what he could get DS for his birthday, told him what I am giving him so he knows what not to get.. I told ExP that DS is also getting a present from Santa for Christmas to encourage him to swap his dummy for a present (he just uses his dummy at night now). I also mentioned to ExP that DS has recently started stuttering, that it may just be a stage in his development, but that I have him on a waiting list to see a Speech Therapist at the local Hospital.. I just told him so that he wouldn't get a shock when he comes.. Well, he turned around and said "You know my new GF is a primary school teacher? She teaches year 5.. Maybe she could give him some lessons."

Oh my! Even though he was joking it sure did not go down well with me, but I tried to stay civil and said "Ah, no.. Early childhood teaching is completely different to primary teaching, I'm happy with what he gets right now, but um thanks..." I especially felt like maybe he was saying it because I am in the middle of Bachelor of Early Childhood Teaching, and he usually tries to say at least one thing each time we talk to try and "put me in my place".. Usually he plays the "you're depressed" card though.

So I was seething after that and I don't remember much of what else he said, but I managed to get through the rest of the conversation without hanging up on him or screaming down the phone (like I would love to do, but don't want to upset him).

And then he must have consulted his GF because he sent me an sms saying: "If logan is still using a dummy even if its just at night it can be a big factor in why he stutters. The dummy changes the shape of hes mouth and words are spoken differently when he has it in hes mouth then its taken out and there spoken differently again" (ExP seems to have a problem with his & he's, he even speaks like that, it's so annoying! Maybe his GF should give him some lessons!)

So I sent an sms back saying something like a speech therapist I talked to told me that is not a factor since it's only recent. And saying that I was only telling him about the stuttering to give him a heads up, but also thanking him for the information.. Which was kind of a lie, as I forgot to ask the therapist about that on the phone, but I cannot see how a dummy could cause stuttering. He sent me an sms back saying "So was i, put your claws away "

ARGH! Why do I let him do this to me? I'm still annoyed by it, and annoyed that his GF is trying to give me "advice" through him, which is just not on. If I wanted advice from her or anyone he knows I would have asked for it. I also felt like when he sent that, it was more of an attempt to attack me and my parenting skills, like he chose the one thing I have control over and singled that out as the cause of the stuttering.

I talked to DS's teacher at childcare yesterday, as she specialises in speech development and disorders, and she said that in all the time she has been teaching she has never seen a link between the use of a dummy and stuttering. I talked to my dentist today and he said that while the use of a dummy isn't recommended after the age of two, it doesn't cause stuttering or change the shape of the mouth. It can sometimes cause a lisp if it is prolonged use and it interferes with the normal growth direction of the teeth, but that is so rare. So not only was the advice unsolicited it was completely wrong! I have looked up so many medical journal articles and none of them mention dummies.

Should I send him an email with some information on stuttering? Or should I just leave it alone? I don't really want him spending time with DS, even if it is just a few hours, when he has no idea about what is going on with DS. I feel like because he only sees DS once or twice a year, it's like he's taking credit for what a wonderful boy DS is, "He's MY son" is one of his favourite sayings it would seem, but as soon as something is not quite right, then it is solely my fault because he lives with me and hardly sees ExP. Although I keep reminding myself of something my friend said "It takes two people to make a baby, but only one person to shape him in to someone as wonderful as your DS"

Ok, sorry about that LOL I think I've finished ranting now.

[AliBaby]

Hi hun,
You were only trying to be a good muma nd inorm your ex about what is going on with your DS. He is the one with an attitude problem. Dont email him back about the stuttering info. I think he is only trying to make you bite at him as it seems like it is a game to him (after hearin the "put your claws away" comment.
I think maybe for your own sanity you need to think of your ex as a joke and anything he says that is biting at you you need to treat as a joke. I would have maybe written back to him "My claws are always out. You should know that by now" or something that makes him think that you are not taking what he says to heart.
I know it would be hard but you will get through this. I hope that you have a good Christmas and that the present swapping for the dummy works. I think that is a great idea!

[Trillian]

I wouldn't worry about it anymore than what you have - and I wouldn't worry about his GF either. Remember she only has HIS version of what's going on with your DS and he could have twisted it round etc. So she may have genuinely tried to be helpful kwim? You've done the right thing by letting him know when there would be plenty that wouldn't kwim?

[Lulu]

Good on you for seeing exactly what he is trying to do to you. Yep, he is trying to put you in your place - wherever that may be .

AAAhhhhhhggghhh - how to deal with stupid passive-aggressives ? Actually you are doing a pretty decent job already though I know its tiring. Don't bother sending him the email because then he'll know that you have faffed around trying to find the info because his stupid comment and useless information from his GF put you off guard. Same with the 'claws out' txt. Don't respond to that type of thing at ALL. You are going to have to be teflon about these comments for awhile, and he is going to get worse to get you to respond.

back later gotta go buy paint....

[Beatrix]

hun,

You have done all you need to do.. best bet is just to now ignore him.

dont you love it when they pick and chose when they want to play daddy?


Good luck with everything

[Lulu]

I can't stand passive aggressive people, and I take great pleasure in calling them on it. They won't say things clearly, just infer it. They want you to get defensive so they can sit back and watch you defend yourself and lead the conversation either where they want it to go, usually away from their own idiocy.

It can be hard dealing with them without buying into the game though - SO when you have to talk to him and he starts up, completely ignore the comment and keep the conversation on track yourself. Its also handy to visualize him with a penis on his forehead while you do this.

Then come in here and vent about the childish manner in which he carries on and thank heavens he has a new GF to distract him away from you.

[Kazbah]

Its also handy to visualize him with a penis on his forehead while you do this.

Then come in here and vent about the childish manner in which he carries on and thank heavens he has a new GF to distract him away from you.

I think you've given me a way to deal with some people at work!

[Melly01]

Thank you all so much. I haven't emailed him or contacted him. It was great advice you all gave about him realising he had gotten to me if I start getting defensive and sending him information.. That is so true, and exactly how he seems to work. It's taken me a long time to realise when he and his family are trying to play me..

I have been getting information so that I can keep informed, but I certainly won't be going out of my way to inform ExP or his family of anything unless it is very serious (like when he broke his leg).. Unless they ask of course, which they never do! They just like to sit back and wait for information and then send me whiney emails that "it would be nice if we could get some emails or phone calls with updates on Logan".. It's a two way street, you know? But anyway, there I go off on another tangent!

Thank you so much Lulu! I am thinking this will be some kind of "genetic growth" since I think I could actually visualise all of that side of the family with penis' on their foreheads! That made me smile, (I almost laughed until I realised that I am surrounded by people at uni so that might look a little crazy ) thank you so much! That made my day.

I am desperately hoping that he & his GF stay together to take some of the focus off me.. I know that sounds horrible, but if he's happy then maybe he won't be so annoying towards me LOL

[Melly01]

oops double post sorry

[Melly01]

LOL so didn't see the third post.. was probably the internet at unii, or something i did no doubt! Sorry