I feel so down... DD1 has turned outrageous since DD2's arrival... what to do?

[Carmen2]

DD1 is currently 18 months old. She has been the "attention" in our family since her birth... up until DD2's arrival, everything was so perfect though there are times DD1 would have her rebellious times... but since DD2's arrival, everything has turned into a nightmare. When DD1 sees me cuddle DD2, she wants to be held too... I still spend a lot of times with her during the day as my parents help me out with DD2 when I'm with DD1... but even with that, she's becoming very unsettle. I know at this point, she's at the stage of the "terrible twos", but I mean, she could cry for 1 hour non-stop when I try to put her down to nap. She wants to be held and she won't allow me to hold her while sitting down... I feel so upset some times and ask myself if I have made a wrong decision of having DD2 when DD1 is only 18 months old... I feel guilty that I am now unable to give my full self to DD1... is it normal? what should I do now when I'm faced with this?

[Snacks]

Aw, sweety, I think we will likely have similar problems in this household too. Please don't feel guilty - it is totally normal for kids of any age to act up when a new child comes into the house, let alone an 18mo who has no other way of communicating her displeasure at having to share you.
It has only been a very short time, so give it a little more time and I think you'll find she adjusts and is less clingy to you. From memory, Natalie was particularly clingy at 18mo anyway, even when she was an only child. In the meantime, I am glad you have some support around you - giving her attention when you are not attending to DD2 is a great thing to do. Perhaps you could find some things that DD1 really enjoys doing and save those activities particularly for when you are feeding or settling DD2? I've heard this suggestion before and am planning on making up a box of goodies for Natalie for when I am feeding the new baby once she arrives.
GL and hang in there!

[Ginger]

we found that giving ds1 a baby of his own (a baby born doll) seemed to help cos he carries it around and even tries to breastfeed it! has she got a dolly of some sort?
i try to get ds1 to get me to help out with ds2 as much as possible- he loves helping out and looking after his little bro. we bath them together and ds1 washes ds2's belly and he helps with changing his nappy. i think this has stopped the jealousy a little.
it's a hard time, but just remember, you have given your ds1 the greatest gift there is- a sibling.

[Mak]

Carmen2 - had exactly the same feelings about 6 months ago. So it was completely normal for us.....

I felt horrendously guilty about causing such upset for DD1 as she was completely beside herself. She'd sit on top of me all the time - even getting quite violent when I was trying to BF DD2. I was shocked as she had always been really wellbehaved and seemed quite excited about the prospect of a baby!

I guess the reality of their whole world changing is quite a difficult one to negotiate - especially that special bond with you. Daytime naps dissappeared here and we had huge problems with her going to bed at night also. She also didn't seem to realise that we were spending the majority of time and attention on her (poor DD2 still gets a bit ignored )

I had some great advice from a friend - she suggested we create a new bedtime ritual with myself and DD1 (who was ridiculously clingy and quite violent towards DD2 initially). No matter what we had 'special mummy and x time' and we jumped in bed and talked about how much I loved her still and that I wasn't leaving here - this was to try and get her inner dialogue going each time she felt left out and unhappy. The idea was that this 'special time' could then be used to describe times I was dedicating to her when bubs was asleep also. I was sceptical but it really has helped her calm down and be more positive about her new sister.

It is so hard to manage the anxst of the toddler and look after a newborn - let alone yourself so I had to ignore the housework etc and concentrate on enjoying the kids and looking after me - we have spent lots of time in the pram out in the sunshine despite being exhausted.

The good news is it was temporary - it has taken a while but 6 months later DD1 is definitely in love with her little sister (something I thought may never happen). We have had occasional outbursts still and they tend to be related to her wondering why she is not BF or has a sleeping bag - I have pulled out her baby photo album and she loves looking at herself as a baby too. We also have photos up of us all with her - it seems to reassure her of her special place in our family. She also has her baby to look after and feed.

Take care - it will pass - you just have to remember to celebrate your successes along the way and be kind to yourself.

[aussienic]

It is a big adjustment for some kids. My 4th bub is almost 18 months old and she is starting to show signs of jealousy if I am cuddling up with one of her brothers so I am thinking it must be that age. None of boys did the jealousy thing so im not really sure what to do either. I just tell Olivia Mummy is cuddling so and so and I will cuddle her soon..

I would say if she is crying for an hour at nap time then she might not be ready for a sleep or she might be past it so I would suggest putting her down a bit earlier or later.. Its hard to offer advice here as all kids are different and I donb't know what her sleepy signs are

It does get better

oh and congrats on your new bubba

[Carmen2]

Snacks, thank you for your words of encouragement. To be honest, DH and I were planning to have 3 kids... but at the moment, I feel like 2 is over my head already! These past few days, I feel particularly down and just burst out in tears when I look at what has DD1 turned into. At this point, I don't regret DD2's arrival, but I just feel terribly guilty of making DD1 turning out this way. She's become a monster... maybe part of the reason is due to teething, but she certainly has become a lot more clingy and just very hard to settle. She loves her sister as she would kiss her many times during the day. But then, some times, she would try to grab her legs or arms and just be harsh on her. That's when I become frightful and disappointed. What happened to the DD that was so nice and easy going?

Last night, she woke up in the middle from her sleep and started to cry like there's no tomorrow. So, I pad her and picked her up for some cuddling. 10 minutes later, she fell asleep so I attempted to put her back down on her bed then she burst out in tears again. Only this time, it took me an hour and a half to settle her and put her back down. She was never this way before... always very easy to settle back when she wakes up from a bad dream during her sleep. But her sister is not around, so what happened there?

I know that being a mom is not an easy task, but I have never thought it would be that difficult especially when dealing with 2 kids. Now, to think of having a third makes me scared of what will become of the 2 DDs when number 3 comes... I think it will drive me up the walls if I have to care for 3 clingy "babies".

I admire moms who have many children all very close to age as I don't understand how they could manage it... at the same time, I feel like this has become my biggest failure in life as I am unable to deal with this situation. I feel just incompetent.

[Ginger]

carmen, you're not incompetent at all hun. having 2 close together is a LOT harder than i imagined it was going to be, and as much as i don't regret having ds2, i have had moments where i wish we'd waited till ds1 was 3 years old. it's so hard feeling torn between the 2 of them.
if you think her teeth are bothering her, have you tried an amber teething necklace at all? we have found it has really helped ds1.

[Willow]

Carmen, what you are feeling is very, very normal. I felt the same way when DS was born. DD was such an easy going, placid kid and although we didn't have any issues with jealousy etc, she did start waking at night and having disrupted sleep. The good news is it WILL PASS. It's an adjustment period for everyone. Keep your chin up and ride it out - I know it's hard, I'm about to do it again with a smaller age gap this time and I admit I'm a bit scared! I swore when DS was a newborn that I wouldn't have any more. But things get easier and life returns to 'normal' (or a new sort of normal) and when that happens, you will get your confidence back.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job!!

[Inertia]

It always helped me to involve the older child when I am looking after baby. Harry is a very clingy sod, doesnt like sharing mum and dad with his older siblings, so we have been preparing him for the new baby for a while now. We've shown him side slice views of babies in utero so he understands that the huge bump mum has is a little person, and he has become very attached to her. She gets morning cuddles and kisses from her big brother now. When she gets here he can help me with things like passing me the baby wipes, giving her tickles at play time and laying next to her at feed time. That way is our time too. Its family time.

Always seemed to work with the others - until they were about 4/5, and then nothing in the world will make them get on. LMAO.

[Carmen2]

Thank you ladies for all your kind words and encouragements. I don't feel so alone now. For some reason, today has just been one of those days when I could really use some time off. I kept asking myself what have I done to DD1. I think I have used up a box of kleenex just from all my crying spells.

Honestly, I don't mind being tired and overworked. I think the only thing bothering me is just feeling so saddened by the fact that DD1 has become so upset with the changes in her world. Her world was so rosy before DD2's arrival; she was just one happy kid. Since DD2's arrival, I can sense that DD1's resentment. The way she looks at me makes me cry... (she would stare and me wondering how come mommy is spending time with my little sister and not me... and when I would go to her as soon as I'm done feeding DD2, she walks away from me) That breaks my heart!

I get DD1 involved when changing DD2's nappy... I would send her to get me a clean nappy or clothes. But I find that she some times deliberately is harsh to her sister or trying to pull on her feet. Initially, I should tell DD1 to be "gentle", but it doesn't seem like she gets the message. So, when she does it repeatedly after I repeatedly tell her not to be harsh on DD2, I would give a little tap on her hand. Then she would walk away or just sit on the floor and make a fuss. Am I wrong for doing that?

While I am happy to acknowledge through all of your experiences that this hard time will pass, I have to admit that I am scared to think about what will happen to DD2 when she grows up... will she retaliate? Of course, at this point, she's too young to do so... but will she resent her older sister for bullying her or being mean to her?

[Arimeh]

It is really hard going. But it does get better. DS was almost 19 months when DD was born, and OMG... he is the clingiest toddler in the world - still. This is an almost 2.5 year old that doesn't like to walk if we go down the shops - he wants to be held - he always wants to be carried - arghh does my head in.

But his sister - is the total opposite. She isn't clingy. She is just the cruisiest little bub ever. So I got a clingy, whingy, tantrum chucking toddler - and a cruisy, nothing ever bothers her, happy to play alone on the floor 9.5 month old.

So even though it may not feel like it - it DOES get better.

Now - remind me of this post when I have a meltdown with 3 under 3.. LOL

[Carmen2]

Now - remind me of this post when I have a meltdown with 3 under 3.. LOL[/QUOTE]

Wow, I admire your courage... 3 under 3! Hopefully, when DD2 turns older, she will be like your DD too... that way, I won't have 2 clingy children. Then, maybe a number 3 will happen! I assume you are close to your due date... all the best with your pregnancy, and remember to look after yourself, courageous mom of 3 to be!

[Snacks]

Carmen, I hope this doesn't sound like I am belittling your feelings, but I just want to point out that your baby is less than a month old! That in itself is really tough going what with the new patterns and routines for you, your hormones still being all over the place, and your having to adjust and get to know this new little person. Give yourself a chance, babe!
It must be very hard to have your DD walk away while you are trying to give her some attention - I so understand how that would break your heart. But she WILL adjust - she is still very young and she is also very resiliant. While she may not be the same person she was, she will settle back down again and find her groove.
Re the sleeping, that's hard for you, but TBH I am sort of expecting the same thing from my toddler as well. When there is disruption in life, I have found DD's sleeping suffers. When she was 18mo we started her at childcare and she became very difficult to settle and I needed to attend to her each night, patting her bottom for sometimes close to an hour while she settled back down to sleep. It was very frustrating for me (and I didn't have a newborn as well!) but she did get into a better sleeping pattern and now she is a great sleeper, even though she can be reluctant to go to bed some nights. I think it's normal for kids to need additional reassurance at night time when there is any sort of disruption in their lives.
As I said, I really don't want to give the impression that I'm telling you you shouldn't feel like you do. I just wanted to remind you that it is still very early days and I am sure things will get better for you very soon.

[Arimeh]

Wow, I admire your courage... 3 under 3! Hopefully, when DD2 turns older, she will be like your DD too... that way, I won't have 2 clingy children. Then, maybe a number 3 will happen! I assume you are close to your due date... all the best with your pregnancy, and remember to look after yourself, courageous mom of 3 to be!

Nah I'm not close to my due date - DS will be 3 next January - and this baby is coming before xmas - so I won't have 3 under 3 for very long - but it still counts!!! ROFL

I found that things got A LOT better when DD was 12 weeks old... its just a matter of finding your feet. You are still getting to know your new bub - and thats hard enough without the toddler thrown into the mix.

[Carmen2]

Snacks, you are right. I think at the moment my hormones are really completely out of place! I can't keep up the number of times I find myself crying. DH is startled that I have turned into a crying machine. I was not the crying type, but now, things have changed obviously. Thank God this WILL go away otherwise it would completely drive DH up the walls seeing me cry for every single thing that upsets me.

Last night was a very pleasant night. I really needed that from DD1 just so I get reassured that I am still a good mom to her. She slept between DH and I... and she was so peaceful! I woke up this morning feeling much better. I am aware that DD2 is still a young bub whom I will need time to get to know. I honestly am not worried about DD2... I think I just needed the reassurance that things will bounced back to normal. It's funny how I don't feel so uptight about DD2, I remember I was really nervous when DD1 would cry as a baby. Since DD2's arrival, I have become a lot more chilled. At least, when DD2 cries while waiting for a nappy change I don't get all nervous when she cries. Gosh, back in the days when DD1 was crying, I was completely insane trying to stop her from crying as quick as I could.

I am glad that this is only temporary. While it's hard to imagine the challenges ahead of me, I am ever so pleased that BB has so many supportive people to hear me vent.

[Mak]

I had a bit of a meltdown around 3 weeks too - I think everything hit at once!
Amazingly DD2 is so relaxed and chilled out - I too was worried about her - BUT she idolises her bigger sister - DD1 makes her laugh and 'helps' with everything. It sounds like you are doing a great job!!!

xx