As a lot of you guys know, we lost our precious #3 bundle this year.... for those who don't - got our bfp on the 5th March - we were pregnant with #3 - had been trying since Dec 2008. Then i started spotting on the 11th of march. I was 5.5 weeks. I know it was early, but still.... (dr did consequent HCG tests which showed we had miscarried)
I didn't end up actually passing the baby until april16th - my body just didn't do it, itself in march.
Anyhow, reason for my post is, we haven't DTD since we first lost the baby. I just cant bring myself to do it. The thought of being even close to DF makes me feel so uncomfortable. When he touch's me i kinda cringe. I am kinda O.K when he cuddles me but even then i do it as quick as i can - and try and get out of the embrace. We havent kissed since we first lost the baby either.
I have been avoiding all physical contact with him and i know he is feeling this. I can see it in him. We have always been VERY touchy feely - at home, out and about - wherever. Be it hold hands, cuddles, kiss etc etc but since march i just cant.
Today i put on a new pair of pants, and he said he can really see the boot camp im doing is working (since loosing the baby i have been exceptionally focused on my health- making alot of changes and so far have lost about 8kg's). He was making gesture's about my bottom (he has always loved my butt and breasts), and ofcourse this led him to touching me, making the gesture's he would like to DTD. I just very quickly got involved into something else.
Later on he came and sat next to me on the couch, i was doing something on ebay, he was snuggling into me - and started touching me again. But this time he was more out there and obviously aroused. Guess he thought maybe i didnt get his 'intention's' earlier.. i am not sure but he was a little more clear on what he'd like this time- telling me how sexy im looking, touching me... and included his normal funny sex dance he does which i have always found stupid but cute and we always laugh at. He was fully aroused, as it is what makes his little dance so funnyily stupid and i just looked at it and felt sick. (i should add, he is fully dressed). Anyway, i just felt sick and so uncomfortable. It was as if he wasnt the man i love, but some other knob who was trying to get me into thier pants or something. Not the person who i love, the person who i am planning to spend the rest of my life with. I dont get it.
I literally feel like my skin is carwling at the thought of anything sexual.
After we lost the baby in march, i asked if he mind we stopped TTC. Because i just couldnt, i just couldnt try again. He agreed. I started the pill when i finally passed the baby in April, so its not like i should be worried about falling pregnant - which for the first time in years, i am terrfied of. thats just not me!
I am even, to the point, considering no more children purely because i just cant go through that pain again, and we wanted 4 minimum. But really, no point in even thinking that far ahead as it definitely wont happen if i feel this way for ever, so kinda pointless ey.
Why cant i DTD? why dont i WANT to DTD? this is so unlike me. I dont get it. And although i know it wont drive DF and i apart by itself, i am feeling as though we have drifted apart in the last few months. Although, maybe its me that has drifted. /shrugs. I am throwing myself into my work.
I just dont get why he is repulsing me the way he is. He is such a sexy, goodlooking guy who i know, i just know i adore him to bits. But i just dont feel it.... AND I DONT KNOW WHY?!!!!!
It's all going to be okay hun. I'm sending you virtual hugs (dont know how to do the emo thing). Maybe you could try telling him that your just not ready for it. Couselling is always a great idea. It's hard as hell but you'll survive and be better after.
I think your body is reacting because your just not ready yet. There is never any rush or time limit on grieving and that may be what your body is doing. When your body and mind are ready everything else will happen. Tell him to be patiant. And maybe do some yoga, I hear thats good for reconnecting with yourself.
I am really sorry to hear about your losses. I can't shed any light for you as to why you feel the way you do. However we all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. You need to give yourself time and I am sure DTD is the last thing on your mind at the moment which might be why its making you feel this way about your partner. Perhaps as he is a reminder of your baby you have lost. Maybe as DTD is a real reminder of your pregnancy and what you have being through. I hope things improve for you with time. I think its also hard for men to understand how we as women feel when we do loose a baby which can also lead to resentment or disgust towards them when normally we don't feel like that.
im so sorry to hear of your losses, i dont really know what you could do in this situation, but i think i would try and talk to DH and let him know how you are feeling, and try a bit of counciling, i lost my husband 9 months ago, and its a bit different what im going though, but i can not touch anyone, let alone alone anyone coming to hug me ( because of what happened) i just cant bare the thought of anyone wrapping their hands around me..not to sure why..we all greive differently..all the best hun xxx
Big Hugs. I empathise. I myself have felt a little the same for a long time.
I have always blamed sex for my first m/c, even though it was a very early loss due to blighted ovum. When I fell pg the second & third time sex was a no no purely for peace of mind in the early stages but then just out of absolute fear when my third pg progressed.
So for me I had lost my sex drive (and is still not back to what I would like it to be) purely because I blamed sex for my first m/c. The fear will always be with me because I know the pain of m/c will always be with me.
I found that it helped being away from home from time to time because for me at home there were just so many memories and shattered dreams.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice but what you are feeling is normal so there is nothing 'wrong' with you. You are grieving for your babies. Your DH may feel the same way but as the other ladies have suggested, he will show his grief differently. Perhaps ask him how he is grieving and even though you may be grieving in different ways at least that may make you feel like you are both on the same wavelength.
Give yourself time, it really hasn't been that long. If you still feel this way in another 2 or 3 months or so then perhaps speak to someone professional (GP?).
I find the spark can return if we do some of the favourite things we used to do when we first met, like go to an old favourite restaurant or watch a movie you may have seen.
Big big hugs - you have been through tremendous heartache so don't be too hard on yourself.
Last edited by Phteven; May 21st, 2009 at 05:38 PM.
: signature - pls read guidelines re tickers.
Oh Pap I have just seen this thread today. Sending you a massive cyber darl.
I don't have any more advice than has already been said by the other ladies except to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Just go with how you feel atm and see if it continues. It hasn't been all that long and your loss was a drawn out one. You're so busy with your kids, your work and all the other things happening for you lately that you've probably not had much time to grieve.
Did you talk to your man about how you're feeling? Men and women really do grieve very differently a lot of the time.
i followed your story all the way through in March and i am very sorry this happened again to you and I totally understand i have been there myself.
after trying for 18 months naturally we got our BFP but it was not to be we found out at 3 months there was only a sac and had a D and C. I didnt want to touch my partner for 2 or 3 months and couldnt even kiss him. I literally told him it made me feel sick like i was going to spew which was the truth. I told him im sorry i just dont feel "into" it and explained that anything sexual based felt wrong to me and i also told him it wasnt his fault and i didnt know why i felt this way and he was very understanding and in fact very supportive. He was happy enough to take long showers.... anyway the point is talk to him tell him what you are feeling just make it clear you dont know why and if he could be there for you through this rough time and when and if you are ready to be intimate you will make that move. I hope all goes well and I understand the not wanting to concieve again also. I did the same thing but after a few months gave in and it did take almost another year but we got there and all the pain of years before just seems to go out the window. Take care of yourself.
try telling him your not ready body or brain wise yet...its not that you dont love him any less.....its the emotional bagage connected to the act..eg...DTD, fall pg and then having that chanch of another loss.
cleansing yourself with exercise is great and maybe even try going for walks together to re connect
in the meantime... with no sexual favours intended
Papy, as the others have said I don't think there is anything wrong with you, you are simply coping with something that is extremely personal and people deal with these things differently. Maybe try and talk to DF about what is happening so he can at least be more sensitive.
I know what you are going through its an aweful part of the grieving process. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I know it will be difficult but I would definately suggest talking to your DH about what you are feeling and reassure him that you do indeed still love him and find him desirable and that atm you are just not ready to be intimate with him. Talk about the losses you have had and how they are affecting you emotionally. Women are an emotional species and we need that connection as part of our love making, when we are not right emotionally we cannot be expected to be amorous it is impossible.
He will know that you are still upset about the loss but he may not have a clue how all the losses are making you feel and how sad you are deep down.
I am not sure if I have offered anything helpful, but I can assure you I do know how you are feeling, I have been there and it can take some time to heal.
If you choose not to try in future for more children thats quite ok, but I want to add that if you do think you would like to have more children in future, please don't give up. We all have our roads to travel and our crosses to bear. There are lessons to be learned with every loss and there IS light at the end of the tunnel you just have to have faith and believe something wonderful is not too far away.
So for me I had lost my sex drive (and is still not back to what I would like it to be) purely because I blamed sex for my first m/c. The fear will always be with me because I know the pain of m/c will always be with me.
I found that it helped being away from home from time to time because for me at home there were just so many memories and shattered dreams.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice but what you are feeling is normal so there is nothing 'wrong' with you. You are grieving for your babies. Your DH may feel the same way but as the other ladies have suggested, he will show his grief differently. Perhaps ask him how he is grieving and even though you may be grieving in different ways at least that may make you feel like you are both on the same wavelength.
Pap, you have been through so much. I know how it feels. It takes time to work your way through it, but I have found that the best thing to do is to talk. Tell your DF how you are feeling and that you are going through a really difficult time at the moment and need his support. Chances are he needs to talk too.
Let him know that you aren't interested in DTD at the moment and probably won't be any time in the near future, but that you do want to DTD again someday.
My other advice would be to talk to a counsellor. After my first two miscarriages I had no one to talk to and was in a bad way for ages. Eventually I made some really good friends in a new town and was able to talk to them and they helped me through my third miscarriage.
Just take it easy, try to relax and talk about your feelings.
And remember to take it one day at a time. It won't all just go away overnight, but after a while you learn how to work beyond it. You never forget it, but you can get past it.
Just my two cents, hope it helps a bit. If it doesn't, then I give you permission punch me in the arm.
This sounds so awful for you. I hope you are getting a lot of support through this.
I think counselling is a really good idea - this is something you will have to face at some stage, when you're ready, and counselling might be able to give you some strategies to help with that.
Meanwhile, would it help at all to make sure your DF knows that this is an issue, and maybe let him know that you are completely open to some self-satisfaction while you get through this? I knwo that every relationship is different, and I think that only you can work out what will be right for you. Big hugs and I hope you can get through it.
Please - whats wrong with me?
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