Parenting disagreements: discuss in front of child or not?

[amberj]

I was always adament that if DH and I disagreed about how to parent or discipline our child, we would not have the debate/argument in front of our child but in private, so that we could present a united front.

Then real life hit.

The other day DH kind of yelled at DS for something and I thought it was totally inappropriate (nothing major, but still!). Before I even thought about it I was up in arms about it. I know DS is too young to get it, but I am careful about the patterns I set. I didn't like what I did, but then I felt protective of DS and didn't think what DH had done was fair to him.

So I am just curious how others do it? If you do hold your toungue, how?? How do you not say anything right there and then when you feel like your partner's parenting has been unfair and possibly upset your child?

Its so much easier in theory!!!

[Visitor8]

I hold my tongue then talk about it later. If it was something that would really bother you, let DH deal with it then ask to speak to him in the other room and chat about it.

Even at his tender age they know more than we think and he was probably paying more attention than you realise.

[Nelle]

We often discuss this, but disagreeing about parenting choices in front of kids is something we try to avoid too. In practice, because our kids are so young, I can kind of go up to dh and whisper in his ear. As they get older, I guess we'll have to say to the child 'hold that thought, don't go anywhere' and nick into the next room to discuss.
It's not easy if I'm outraged at something dh has done though! You're right, much easier in theory, but I think with practice we get better.

[christy]

oh little ears hear everything!!!

I will only speak up when I hear/see DH say something inappropriate. DD1 gets into a lot of trouble, because she gets into a lot of trouble. If I hear DH get cranky for her for something she hasn't done, I often pipe up and say something because she gets into enough trouble as it is... without getting into trouble for something she hasn't done.

Otherwise, I say something to DH like "Can I talk with you about this later?" so he knows I have an issue with it, but I say it quietly and calmly so as not to perk up little ears...

[Tinks]

We never ever disagree about parenting in front of our kids. I always back DH's decisions in front of them and he always backs mine, even if we disagree. Then when they go to bed we chat about it. He does things I wouldn't necessarily do and I do things that annoy him. We talk about what we've done and come to a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation should it arise again.

[widdly]

I think it would be far better to hold your tongue adn discuss it later in private, that way DS thinks you are together on parenting issues, instead of trying to play you against each ohter.

HOWEVER, I seem always to be jumping to DS defence in the moment....

[Oorki Galoorki]

im happy to discuss things infront of the kids. it shows them we communicate about how we parent, and it shows ways of negotiating.
we then come to agreement together and that is what is inforced..
we also will comment to each other after the fact if we believe it was necassarily the right way to go about it or if one of us thinks it only happened because one of us were a bit grumpier then usual.

[jakodai]

I've decided that if I disagreed with something that my little man's father was doing I'd not say something in front of our son, only because I remember what it was like when I was younger and my parents would disagree.

If Dad was telling me off for something, and all of a sudden Mum was telling Dad off for telling me off, it kind of made me feel a little too powerful, if that makes sense? And then it would be too easy to play Mum & Dad off one another.

Even now my parents like to complain to me about one another (totally different, I know) and I hate it. I really don't want to get involved or take sides.

[kirsty_lee]

I think well.. have a fear lol of if you argue in front of little children they tend to let their little brains work out which parent is going to be the easiest to manipulate kwim? If mummy is always sticking up for me then i'll go to her when I want something .. well that's what I reckon Ava will be like she's a smart little cookie except she won't be coming to mummy, she's a daddy's girl. Plus as a child who came from an abusive home I don't want to see me and dp arguing i'd much rather wait until him and I are alone.

[Roryrory]

Ditto what others said about disagreeing in front of small kids. But I suspect that once kids are older it might be useful to have "staged" disagreements about things in front of them (ie: one parent can "convince" the other about why child should not be allowed out past 10, drink alcohol, go to a sleepover, whatever)

Hmmm, maybe in theory it sounds good - I would love to see if it works though LOL!

[Patooties]

It depends on the circumstance - there are times when DH may jump the gun and disicpline one of the girls for something they haven't done. If I have proof of it - I will calmly act in defense of them in front of the kids. Dh will then apologise to whichever dd - and back down. I think in this instance it's good to hear their Dad say sorry to them for misunderstanding.
On the weekend though - we handled a situation very poorly - in front of our eldest - who is 7. We reflected afterwards though, which I think is very healthy for all of us.

[Rouge]

I have in the past slipped up and disagreed in front of the kids, and as my psych said to me its important to do so. Children do need to see conflict as often children who do not do not know handle it well as adults... HOWEVER this is a biggy... don't have conflict without resolution. We make it very clear in front of our children that we are resolving it and when their is resolution (which always ends with us both apologising, acknowledging each others feelings and showing intimacy through cuddles etc) we include them in it if they have been there. One thing I will never forget is my psych said to me its important for children to see all aspects of our relationship, but it is important for us to show respect in doing so to each other and our children.

But if there was a parenting thing, if I couldn't subtly show an alternative without coming across as putting him down or undermining his parenting I'll do it later. And DH does it with me. And if either of us have acted inappropriately its our responsibility to explain that to our children and resolve that as well. And in most cases then the other parent will praise the other parent in front of the child to show support and consolidation. It is important to show a unified front as a parent but its also important (IMO) to teach a child how to speak up in a respectful way if something isn't ok.

[Astrid]

I have in the past slipped up and disagreed in front of the kids, and as my psych said to me its important to do so. Children do need to see conflict as often children who do not do not know handle it well as adults... HOWEVER this is a biggy... don't have conflict without resolution. We make it very clear in front of our children that we are resolving it and when their is resolution (which always ends with us both apologising, acknowledging each others feelings and showing intimacy through cuddles etc) we include them in it if they have been there. One thing I will never forget is my psych said to me its important for children to see all aspects of our relationship, but it is important for us to show respect in doing so to each other and our children.

This is so important. DH never saw anyone in his family argue and as such has no idea how to behave during an argument. I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution. As a result of him not knowing how argue, we often have more argument than necessary as nothing gets resolved from the original one.

I try not to disagree too much in front of the kids, but if I think something is going to far, then I do step in. If anything though I tend to step in more in front of others, as DH has a tendency to "show off' his parenting and goes overboard.

[jakodai]

I saw a lot when I grew up (too much really), so am used to a good barny to get things out in the air and get some resolution.

So am I - but since being pregnant I'm trying to tone myself down a bit, mainly because the arguments that I'd normally start (I'd generally always start them...) just weren't worth getting stressed about. Now I try and calm myself down doing the whole counting to 10 thing and then try and tackle whatever problem we're having. I guess I'm just really bad at over-reacting. A guy I work with told me that you should always say the second thing that comes into your mind, because most of the time the first thing is the wrong thing. And the more I think about it, the more I believe it's true.

Having said that though, I also don't think it's healthy to keep your feelings & emotions inside. If you have an opinion or you disagree with something that's happening, you need to be true to yourself and voice that opinion. Whether it be later on your own, or if you think it's bad enough to warrant something being said straight away - you have the right to say what you have to say.

[Mrs Jak]

I do sometimes challenge DH about things in front of DD, when I feel he is being over the top, but I guess I don't get defensive as such. I just come out and say what I think, but calmly. He doesn't love it, but usually takes it in or has his say again and we haven't majorly argued in front of her.

It's hard to have previously discussed how you will both deal with each and every little issue that will arise before it happens and one parent may have already set a precedent by dealing with an issue in one way and then the other comes along and deals with it in a totally different way, totally confusing the poor kid. That's when I say, 'Well, usually we say this or do this'.

[krysalyss]

It depends. Sometimes I think issues need to be addressed then and there, otherwise one parents makes a decision and then later the rules change for no apparent reason. If you have a valid, logical reason for disagreeing and can present it respectfully I can't see it as a problem. If you start attacking the other parent or belittling etc then it is always going to be bad. Big issues/rule changes we tend to discuss beforehand when possible to avoid chopping and changing what we say.