Anyone else with depression/anxiety - how are you dealing with it?

[LionsandBears]

I thought I'd be a lot better by now - I don't know why, I've never gone through this before. It's been 7 weeks today since the D&C. I'm going for counselling this afternoon, as I'm just not coping. I keep crying, I obsessively research everything to see what could have caused our baby to die, to the point that I feel like a nut. I've developed a certain level of social anxiety - I feel embarassed about crying in front of people & I never know when I'll start, so I've started to avoid people.

One of the hardest areas is fitness. I've stacked on the weight with comfort eating and I want to get it off. Exercise makes me feel better, but I just can't get myself to do it. I've signed up to group personal training, but the couple of times I've been, I find tears running down my face from time to time. It's like I think I should still be pregnant, I should be doing Preggi bellies, not this running up & down. Even with eating - I've been eating all the things I wasn't allowed to when I was pregnant, like prawns and soft cheese, but then I feel bad about it.

I've got this mix of- I want to get fit & healthy to get pregnant again, cause I'm scared of another m/c, but also, it's like I'm mourning that I'm not still pregnant and I'm punishing myself by eating all the wrong things. I feel so fat and I look pregnant, but I'm not.

Sorry for the ramble, just want to know, am I the only one who feels like a nut? When does it start to get better? I've just lost so much self-confidence and I hate it.

[human bean]

Hi Tash, can I just say that you are definitely not a nut, and what you are going through is completely normal. You are grieving for the loss of your precious angel, and you will continue to do so for as long as you need, just do know that it will eventually get easier. Slowly but surely it will, in your own time.

When reading your post I felt like it could have been written by me last year after our loss.

I hope you find the counselling helpful - I went to several sessions after losing my lil one, I could talk to others but I just couldn't find the release I did when I spoke to my counsellor. I really feel it helped me so I hope you find it helpful too.

I treated my body so badly after my m/c, because I was angry at it, so why should I be good to it? It took about 3 months before I had a really good look at myself and thought if I didn't snap out of it I would never be healthy enough to even try for another baby. It was hard, but I eventually turned things around. I will be honest when I say that for me, I really didn't feel like I moved forward until after what would have been our due date. So it was a long slow process, but passing that date felt like turning a corner for me. It was a horrible day, but it felt like such an emotional release.

Maybe instead of personal training, just tackle smaller things, like a good long walk, with or without DF. I can't tell you how many days I just walked and walked, with my dark glasses on and listening to my ipod, crying as I went. Noone knew and I felt safe just doing my own thing, and taking it all one day at a time.

I wish I could tell you when it will start to get better, but I can't, just know that it will eventually get a little easier every day, and I hope that happens for you soon

[bookworm12]

Feeling sad is normal, Tashybabe, and everyone goes through the grieving process in their own way. It takes time, and counseling can be helpful. I'm experiencing some similar things right now. I lost my baby about two weeks ago, and I'm still not sleeping well. I can usually keep my composure at work, but at home I let myself cry. I've missed a few weeks of church, and that may be difficult when I get back this coming Sunday. I'm worried that kind words of condolence may set off the tears afresh. I'm mostly taking life one day at a time.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to pack up the maternity clothes I have stacked over a chair in the bedroom. A kind coworker had given me her entire maternity wardrobe, saying they were done having kids. I knew I wouldn't need them for a while, and hadn't decided on where to put them. Now I have a couple of plastic storage bins to keep them until we try again, and I think it'll be hard to take the bins to our storage unit. I may even ask DH to take them for me. I have a followup appointment with my OB on Monday, and I'm putting together a list of questions. I don't know how long he'll want me to wait before we try again.

Take care of yourself and don't set a time table on when you should be feeling better. Sending kind thoughts and prayers your way.

[bookworm12]

Grrrrr, ignore the subject header on my previous post. I typed the image verification in the wrong box...

[LionsandBears]

Ladies - thank you for your responses. It helps to know I'm not alone with this. I had counselling Friday arvo - it helped to get it all out and I will continue with it. I'd prefer someone a little less warm & fuzzy, as I respond well to practical steps to deal with things, but I'm trying to accept having a safe place to let it all out, rather than quickly moving forward to "how to I fix this" mode. The weekend was good - I'm measuring accomplishments like cooking a casserole or doing the ironing as great things atm. Still ended up teary, but I'm trying not to judge myself for it. I didn't want to be alone though, so when DH wasn't around, I hung out with my Mum. Hopefully, that will start to get better.

I've also worked out I need to make an effort to try positive thoughts. Everything is negative at the moment and I'm getting really pessimistic. I'm trying to focus on the positive side of things. But the negative self-talk seems really insidious, like getting scared DH will leave me if I stay sad (he's assured me he loves me no matter what). I've noticed it gets worse when I'm tired, so trying for early nights.

Human bean - the walking is a good idea. I did go training on Saturday - it was a street run. When the baby thoughts started, I just let them slide by. I said to myself, this isn't a rejection of the lost baby and it's not for any future babies, I'm doing this for me. That helped me finish. I'm thinking I should start aiming for a 10km run in the next couple of months as a goal to work towards.

bookworm - I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you were OK at church and you're starting to feel better. I found I'd have a week I'd be OK, followed by a week of deep sadness. Wishing you healing from your pain.