3 year old being bullied, how to deal?

[fatmama]

My 3 year old has been coming home from kindy depressed and sad the last few weeks (very unlike him he used to never want to leave) and waking up with nightmares about a classmate. I've seen this classmate bully him (passive aggressive stuff not pushing or hitting).

I can't get the centre to take me seriously, they just do the "we are watching them its all normal, don't worry" thing. He's never said anything negative about any other child, and he's never been miserable like this before. They won't separate them because they don't want to stigmatise the bully. As a result of the dynamic that's evolved between them they play together nearly constantly.

I'm at my wits end and it isn't so easy to just move. How can I teach a 3 year old to deal with a bully? And that's not counting the director who tried to bully me when I went to discuss it!

[Chocaholic]

Tell the carers that "we are watching them, its all normal" is not acceptable and IS NOT NORMAL, regardless of what they believe. You want something done immediately or you will escalate the complaint to someone who gives a damn about the welfare of your son.

Who "owns" the centre? Is it not for profit or a council one? Complain to the owner about not getting an acceptable outcome, and it being dismissed. Also complain about the bad behaviour of the director.

It nothing happens, contact the Dpt of Community Services (I think this is who monitors accredition for daycare centres) and ask what is your recourse if you can't get an acceptable outcome from the owner.

I would complain long and loud until I get some satisfaction. Your DS should not be unhappy because of the bad behaviour being condoned in this centre.

If all else fails, change centres and in your letter advising you are removing your son, list IN DETAIL, the appalling practices at the centre and CC a copy to the government department responsible for the daycares accrediation. Bullying is not acceptable in any way, shape or form. I would also mention that you would be advising anyone looking for a daycare centre that this particular one is not suitable due to their acceptance of passive bullying.

It is not your responsibility or your sons to try and live with or accept the bullying. I would explain in terms he can understand what you are doing to try and fix the problem. Let him know that nothing in this situation is his fault. Reinforce he is a wonderful little boy and some children are not shown how to play well.

Good luck.

[LionsandBears]

Did a quick google for you:

Bully Blocking - Your bullying and social resilience resource. "Bully Blocking - six secrets to help children deal with teasing and bullying"
Australian Psychological Society : Parent guide to helping children manage conflict, aggression and bullying
http://www.ag.gov.au/agd/WWW/rwpattach.nsf/VAP/(1E76C1D5D1A37992F0B0C1C4DB87942E)~Bullying+Parent s.pdf/$file/Bullying+Parents.pdf

some people have said works well is to teach your child to say in a loud voice "STOP, I don't like that!" and to hold up his hand with palm out (you know, doing the stop motion). This is often enough to make another child back off

You may have to tell him not to play with that child, until they learn to behave nicely. Can you child identify when he feels sad/angry? If you teach him to walk away from the bully when he identifies those feelings (like feeling sick in his tummy), that might help. He needs to know that if someone isn't going to treat him nicely, then he should play with someone else.

Start documenting every time he's sad after childcare, to take up this the centre. Ask them if they have an anti-bullying program. And start researching/putting names down in other centres, if there are any. Preferably with a higher adult/child ratio with staff trained to identify and stop bullying.

GL

[fatmama]

DS does the "no, stop I don't like that" thing already. He says he does that but the child still does it. He says the teachers put the child in a time out sometimes but "he still does it".

I've tried telling him not to play with the kid but its a power thing, this child is younger but bigger and he draws him in with games DS loves, then tells him he doesn't like him or that he can't play anymore etc.

I don't like to speak ill of another 3 year old, it isn't his fault either. But I think it needs to be managed better and I definitely don't want my son becoming a perpetual victim because of this.

[Starfish]

Poor you and your DS. What a horrible situation. Have you tried talking to the other childl's parents(s)/carer(s)? This is something that they may not be aware of, but need to be. I think it is up to this other child's parents to teach him that his behaviour is not acceptable.

I hope things stat to go better for you and your DS soon.

[misty]

I think at 3yrs old you need to step in and stop this before it does some permanent phsychological damage to your child! If the childcare won't treat this as the serious issue it is, then you need to pull you son out and send him somewhere else.

[Leemar]

OMG I feel sorry for your son and hope he will be ok.

I have told my daycare that I have zero tolerance for bullying and I must be told
if my children are doing it or if they are being bullied.

[fatmama]

God I wish I could pull him out. I mean until this we were very happy with the centre, but this is frightening me. But I can't work without childcare and the waitlists are HUGE. I'm scared that we'll end up with me at home and no childcare and not able to pay the mortgage. And I'm also scared it will scar DS.

Yes maybe I'm overreacting. But I don't want to find out years later I wasn't. KWIM?

[BabyQ]

Tell the carers that "we are wtaching them, its all normal" is not acceptable and IS NOT NORMAL, regardless of what they believe. You want something done immediately or you will escalate the complaint to someone who gives a damn about the welfare of your son.

It nothing happens, contact the Dpt of Community Services (I think this is who monitors accredition for daycare centres) and ask what is your recourse if you can't get an acceptable outcome from the owner.

I would complain long and loud until I get some satisfaction. Your DS should not be unhappy because of the bad behaviour being condoned in this centre.

If all else fails, change centres and in your letter advising you are removing your son, list IN DETAIL, the appalling practices at the centre and CC a copy to the government department responsible for the daycares accrediation. Bullying is not acceptable in any way, shape or form. I would also mention that you would be advising anyone looking for a daycare centre that this particular one is not suitable due to their acceptance of passive bullying.

It is not your responsibility or your sons to try and live with or accept the bullying. I would explain in terms he can understand what you are doing to try and fix the problem. Let him know that nothing in this situation is his fault. Reinforce he is a wonderful little boy and some children are not shown how to play well.

Good luck.

ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY ...couldn't have put it better myself..(coming from a teacher who sees what this can do to a child)

and just to reiterate what another poster has said...DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT...any incidences from daycare to his dreams...if you need to play hardball, take your ds to a child psychologist to get an opinion...then present all your collections to the proper authorities along with the bill from the medical professionals.

FWIW: considering all the news in the media of late regarding bullying and the horrible consequences, they should be taking this more seriously..it all starts somewhere...they're little people whose experiences affect their views of the world just like they do you and me.

[Liz]

I think there's a huge social learning curve for kids at this age. My DS plays both roles at the moment. He comes home and tells me that such and such hits him, or that such and such throws sand at him. He has learnt the "stop, i don't like that" and we talk about walking away and playing with someone else. I do check that he's not doing it back (or started it even!) but it's hard to tell.. he's become a bit of a fibber lately, so it's a bit tricky at the moment. He also repeats the same thing over and over.. so this kid could have hit him once weeks ago, but it's still a current story in his mind, if that makes sense.

I've also seen him be the "i don't like you" and "you're not my friend" kid. He did this other day while we were on our excursion.. a little girl dobbed him in that he was saying she isn't his friend anymore. I told him it wasn't a very nice thing to say and that it makes people feel sad when he says things like that.

I've asked the teachers how he interacts with other kids, and they too say it all seems fine. I expressed concern that DS is a bit of a bully with his sister, and I don't want him behaving like that with other kids. They've reassured me that everything is fine, but like you say, it could be very passive.. just quietly saying things like "i don't like you" or "i don't want you here" (a current favourite) could easily go unnoticed by the teachers. But then they tell me how he is really good at picking up when someone is upset or hurt and is quite sensitive towards that kind of thing (I glimpsed this for the first time just the other day when he was looking after his sister in the playground after a bigger kid hit her.. naaaww..he does love her LOL).

I don't really know the point of my ramblings actually, sorry. Except that maybe at this age there really does seem to be a lot of social pushing & pulling, getting a feel for playing/interacting with other kids etc. I'm just trying to ensure that I emphasise the good behaviour, try to help him with alternatives to hitting & screaming if something doesn't go his way (this is at home more than anything tho I think.. pretty sure he doesn't carry on like that for anyone else ) and helping him deal with other kids doing things to him by walking away or whatever, and I'm confident that his teachers are on that wavelength too. I do trust that they do see how the kids are interacting and encourage better behaviour. They are easy to talk to and are pretty switched on.

If you feel the teachers are fobbing off your concerns and you don't really trust their judgement, then yeah, take it a step further by making an official complaint, or change preschools. But I think definitely keep bringing it up, speak to that child's mum if possible. I'd want to know if DS was pushing his boundaries too far so i could help him.

[fatmama]

The thing is, the individual incident may well be part of normal development. I wouldn't worry too much if he reported a few altercations about various friends over time but seemed happy nonetheless. What worries me is a) its always the same child and b) it is affecting his mood.

I hope it passes and gets dealt with but I think the obvious thing is at least temporarily to separate them, but they won't do that to avoid stigmatising the other child. To me that's prioritising that child over mine!

[Liz]

Surely they can separate them just by asking them to come and join in separate activities or something. Not sure how it stigmatises the other child.. unless they say something horrible like "such & such isn't allowed to play with you". I agree with you, the bad dreams etc are big flags that it's gone beyond developmental boundary pushing! I hope you can get them to listen. I think what you just said here

I wouldn't worry too much if he reported a few altercations about various friends over time but seemed happy nonetheless. What worries me is a) its always the same child and b) it is affecting his mood.

is a good thing to say to the teachers and just continually ask them to specifically watch for anything. I personally think a lot comes down to how you feel about the teachers/carers. If you're sus on how their doing things, then go all the way with the complaints.

I'd soooo love to be a fly on the wall at preschool some days to know exactly what is going on.

[Rouge]

I wouldn't be attacking the carers here. Bullying isn't something IMO a 3 y.o. can even do. If you define bullying... a 3 y.o. isn't even that aware. They might be enabled to behave in a certain way, but its not the same as waiting behind the bushes to beat the geeky kid up KWIM?

I know how you feel don't get me wrong, I've been there. But there are things YOU can do that don't even involve the kinder at all. Why not talk to the other child's mother and see about making a play date... have the mum over for coffee but get down on their level and play. Give your child the tools to stand up for himself. We taught DD that if someone couldn't respect her space and an adult didn't respect her by intervening when asked then she could yell as loud as she wanted for the offending child to stop/leave her alone/go away. We even roll played it. And I still help her with the social tools at 7, to stick up for herself, say what needs to be said and build her own self confidence. We can't be there to stop everything but we can provide them with the tools so they can do it without us. But you'd be surprised but often a toddler that appears to be a bully, doesn't have the tools themselves, is just excited or really wants to play and is actually pretty sensitive and it displays as anger or nastiness.

One great word of advice my DD's old principal told me is this Bully's are not lurking around every corner... an altercation between two children even when there is a struggle of authority is NOT bullying. But children CAN be emotionally affected even by these altercations. So its ALL our jobs to prevent that situation from becoming a bullying situation.

[fatmama]

I was pretty shocked at the passive aggressive behaviour from this child. I didn't think they could bully either. I assume there's some bad modelling going on at home but that's not my problem.

As for teaching DS the skills, obviously I will as much as I can but there's a limit to what a 3 year old should even have to deal with.

And my criticism of the teachers is mainly that they say "oh we're perfect you're overreacting go away" not that I think they are per se bad at their jobs. I can imagine this happens even with fantastic teachers but they need to face up and deal imho by separating the kids for a while to give my DS time to get a bit more mature and recover basically. I think if it was intermittent he would probably be fine but it seems to be every day.

[Chocaholic]

Re-reading my post, I may have been a bit strong in my wording . Probably the reason I am so against the bullying is my (just) 3 year old was a target at his daycare a month or so ago. It went on for a while as I assumed it was just a boy not knowing how to control his frustration as he is bigger than Cooper but not as articulate. I thought he was about 8 months younger than Cooper just very tall but it turns out he is a couple of weeks younger than my son. This boy was scratching him, mainly on his face (Cooper has a scar on his cheek which is fading slowly) and biting with a lot of force, leaving perfect circles with individual bruises where the teeth were. I am amazed he never broke the skin because it looked like he tried hard enough. This is more aggressive that what you described but after the fourth incident in a fortnight I had enough.

However, in my case, the carers were fantastic. They took my concerns onboard, spoke to the childs mother (who is a single mum of 3 boys, one who is intellectually disabled) and separated the boys. It is not obvious that they are not allowed to play together but they are encouraged to participate in different activities with different carers so they do not interact more than is necessary. The carers also reinforced the "hands to ourselves" policy when playing every day and spoke every day at 'mat time' that you need to play gentle and nicely otherwise children will not want to play with you.

They carers have spoken to this boys mother about getting him assessed by a Dr as he seems 'slow' compared to the other children his age but he could just be developing a bit slower. The mother was a little upset but agreed that this is the best course as his older brother has a disability. She also apologised to me which was lovely of her.

This has turned into a story all about me. Sorry!

What I am driving at it if you feel that you need to do something, then do it. You are protecting your child. It could be the other child doesn't know better and is modelling behaviour from home. However, he needs to learn somewhere that it is not appropriate and at this age, is perfectly capable of learning this. Daycare should be a safe and enjoyable place for all!

[Rahjah]

Gosh what an awful situation for you.

I think that because you cannot "not" use the child care your son is in, you have every right - and in fact, MUST- demand more of them in protecting your child.

"Bullying" is a loaded label these days and maybe they are reacting to the idea that a child could be accused of "targeting" another child so young etc. Bullying or not...what you are saying is that YOUR child is showing signs of behavioural change and emotional distress from whatever is going on with the other boy at CC. It is their DUTY to address this and protect your son.

It's not sounding like overt hitting etc so maybe they need help with what to do about it. You can request that when the boys are together, so is an adult...you can request that they are encouraged to be apart wherever possible. You could potentially find a helpful worker (if there is one!) and talk with her/him and your son, so your son knows someone else there knwos and maybe he can trust them too.

There has to be ways to protect your DS - geesh, sometimes I think workers like in this story just get defensive that maybe their professionalism is being challenged. It's not about that but it is their job to take your son's concerns seriously and start looking after him!