***Not sure if this in the right place - mods feel free to move.***
(sorry if I offend any smokers - it's not intended )
My FIL has a big birthday coming up, and DH, DS and I have been invited to the big birthday bash. FIL and his partner live 3 hours away, we're not close with them at all (they've seen DS all of 3 times)... when we see them it's always rather awkward, and we only see them out of family obligation (sounds awful, but it's true ). FIL has invited us to stay with them the night before the big party so we don't have to do too much traveling in one day. That's very nice of them, except FIL's partner is a chain smoker, and she smokes inside the house. In the past DH and I have stayed there, and we always leave reeking of smoke (actually, everything we take with us ends up reeking). We hate it, but out of politeness have never said anything (besides, we only see them a few times a year). However, now that we have DS, I don't want us staying there. I don't want to expose DS to all the smoke (even if she were to smoke outside while we were there it doesn't matter - you can't escape the smell).
DH and I have decided that we won't stay with them, but we need to work out how to tell them without offending. Like I said, we only see them a few times a year, so it seems silly to make things any more awkward or strained. Also, FIL's partner is the type that doesn't see anything wrong (well, unhealthy might be a better word) with smoking, so I can imagine she'll be like "Why, there's nothing wrong with it - my parents smoked around me, blah blah blah". I feel like we can't make up any other excuses, cause this is the second or third time they've asked us to stay with them.
Any ideas how to go about this? DH and I terribly polite people and usually wouldn't say anything - but things change when you have a little bub to think about.
I think that you should tell them the real reason why you don’t want to stay in their house. Yes it may initially cause some awkward moments but if you try to find an excuse this time what excuse are you going to use the next and the time after that. You are trying to do the best for your baby and if they do not like it then so be it.
"Sorry - we are really looking froward to seeing you but all scientific evidence says that it is very bad to expose DS to smoke so we will be staying at ..."
It doesn't matter if she smokes outside it sounds like it has permeated the very fabric of the house and that just isn't good for you or DS.
I think it's great to be honest but in the same time make them feel as though you don't want to put them out.
Maybe just say look we would love to stay but it's best not to have DS around the smoke and we really don't want to put your partner out in her own house!
HTH, i wouldn't be offended if i was them and if they really want you to stay i'm sure they will say that his partner can smoke outside or something for the night and maybe they can deodorise..
DH and I are heavy smokers and I definitely think you're doing the best thing for your little man I don't smoke around my kids and know full well how risky it is (which is why I'm trying to quit, DH isn't being very helpful ), I think even if it offends the in-laws your best course of action is to just be straight.
Some people will come up with any excuse to make them feel better about what they know is a bad habit (eg 'My mum smoked around me and I turned out fine' etc), but that's all it is - excuses. And if their behaviour is something you are uncomfortable with or don't want your child exposed to, then you have every right to be honest and say, 'Hey, I don't give a rat's about your smoking, but I won't be staying in your house or exposing my son to it because it could very well be dangerous to his health, and it's a shame that your parents weren't privy to the evidence when you were a child, they may have made a different decision when it comes to smoking around children.'
Just let them know that your decision not to set up camp at their place had nothing to do with *them*, just that there is overwhelming evidence proving that smoking and children do not and should not mix, and if your in-laws smoke indoors, then those toxins are going to be found in the furniture, curtains, carpets etc and you would prefer to limit your child's exposure to such chemicals.
HTH, good luck with it. But I definitely think be honest with them, say it's not that you have a problem with them, it's just that you would prefer to limit your child's exposure to those toxins and chemicals
ETA: ^ Ava'sMum has a great one Makes you guys look like your ultimate consideration is their comfort, not yours
Last edited by Glamourcide; September 18th, 2009 at 04:36 PM.
I probably wouldn't tell them the honest truth, just because I would hate for them to feel bad about what they are doing, and that I'm judging them in some sort of way But I'm weird like that.
I would say that I have friends in the area that I haven't seen in ages and we have plans to catch up with them, and they offered us a spot there for the night. I'm usually an honest person, but I dunno... I'd hate to offend people about stuff they do in their own home ya know?
While being honest is always good, i am always worried about hurting peoples feelings and offending them so when it comes to situations like this i opt for not being completely honest.
I say be honest because if they know straight up the reason i think they are less likely to be offended. if you say that you have friends in the area that want to catch up then they find out otherwise it would be more hurtful in the long run.
I will not stay at my FIL's place for similar (but different) reasons, instead we either stay at a different relatives (which he doesn't mind) or stay at a hotel. If we stay at the hotel we tell him that we would be much more comfortable ith the kids and routines etc if we could go to a hotel, we also mention that that way it feels like a holiday for us and we can relax more. It is all true, if not the main reason for staying elsewhere. Maybe you could try something like that?
Thanks for all your replies - you've given me some things to think about. There's no doubt in where we're staying (at another rellies)... now we just have to try and work out how to tell them... DH and I are such chickens for confrontation .
Oh hun, I have NO IDEA how to tell them, but we are planning on visiting some friends when Shel gets some time off in October, and we usually stay there, but they are heavy smokers and smoke inside, and we won't stay there with Jazz... but am finding it hard to tell them as they have two young kids themselves (5yo and 10mo) and we don't want them to think we are judging their parenting, but I just won't expose Jazz to that... no idea how to say that too them... I guess we will use the old "Jazz is very full on, so we really need to somewhere without other kids..." I dunno, thats all I've though of!!!!!
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Would you be offended?
). FIL has invited us to stay with them the night before the big party so we don't have to do too much traveling in one day. That's very nice of them, except FIL's partner is a chain smoker, and she smokes inside the house. In the past DH and I have stayed there, and we always leave reeking of smoke (actually, everything we take with us ends up reeking). We hate it, but out of politeness have never said anything (besides, we only see them a few times a year). However, now that we have DS, I don't want us staying there. I don't want to expose DS to all the smoke (even if she were to smoke outside while we were there it doesn't matter - you can't escape the smell).
), I think even if it offends the in-laws your best course of action is to just be straight.
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