growing the compassionate bone

[littlelara]

Hi all
I have been touched and awed by the level of compassion some of you have shown in posts that I have read; not just for those who are obviously deserving, but sometimes for those who are just as deserving but less obviously so and sometimes harder to find it for (if that makes sense?).
It makes me wonder, how did you get that way?
I want to feel compassion, particularly when I don't automatically feel it, or when it's not my automatic response.
I want to develop that side of myself, I just don't know how to go about it.
Any thoughts?

[Bathsheba]

I have a knack of finding really good threads just before heading off to bed

Just briefly and just speaking for myself:

I was a pretty self centered as a kid. I wasn't that good at thinking of anyones else's problems except my own. The few times I felt that a bit of compassion was deserving it seemed that everyone around me thought I was being silly. Especially my parents. Then around age 7 this discordance became more noticable. It all started with the lady that lived next door, Betty. It was 1977 and in our country town there was a very strong mainstream Anglo way of life. There wasn't much diversity... and all the women shaved their arm-pits... except the lady next door. Well that made her the brunt of all scorn and jokes As a child I could see how cruel this was. The shame I felt as my mother and her best friend (a woman that lived on the other side of Betty) gleefully cut out deodorant ads from the catalogues and hand posted them into Betty's letter box made me feel ill. From that point on I kinda became sensitized to my mother's meanness and lack of compassion... like you do if you have an allergy. After a while it seemed that the only thing my mother ever said about anybody was words of criticism and contempt. Eventually I started to stick up for people. It annoyed the hell out of her! It still does.

That's the nutshell version... I'll come back and add more later... it's nearly midnight... about to turn into a pumpkin! Great thread

[Santosha]

I have spent may years in a self-imposed internal anxious rant about all the things I should be doing. Work harder, concentrate, eat better, be neater, be better with my budget, contact friends more... on and on and on...

But recently I've managed to simplify. I've decided that if I achieve nothing else for the rest of my life, that I'll be happy if I've lived mindfully and with compassion. I try to notice the internal rant every day ('should this, should that') and just replace it with the words 'mindfulness' and 'compassion' and try to act accordingly. I now notice (sometimes) the states of mind arising that are the antitheses of these things - a cluttered, anxious mind means that I am not in the present moment. A hard, selfish or judgemental thought means that I am not being compassionate. I try to catch myself doing these things and turn them around. Or actively try to then do something very consciously, or with kindness.

Sorry it's late, and I fear I haven't expressed myself very well but I hope you get my meaning. Just by noticing that you'd like to build on your compassion, you're well on your way!

Great thread.

[Lulu]

Via service to your community. Seen Secret Millionaire?, thats a good one.

[Fleur]

With empathy. If you can put yourself in another person's shoes that's a start.
And then remember, you never know everything that is going on in someone else's life or what experiences they have had.

I grew up with a stepmother who didn't give me what I needed emotionally, and I had a couple of years of being picked on at school, only a couple but it was enough.

As a mother now, I find myself asking how do I develop this in my children (without subjecting them to the emotional baggage that I carry) ?
The other day I gave 14yoDD Dave Pelzer's 'The Lost Boy' - she read the first chapter & then said 'Mum what do we do for these kids?' so that's a good start I guess.

ETA - As an example of not knowing what someone else has been through - I always felt kind of weird about the fact that my mother didn't even try to BF my sister. I mean I FFed 2 of my children, but I couldn't work out why she didn't even try. Then one day she told me about what it was like when she tried to BF me, she was 23, living in the bush, on her own, Dad was away working all day, no family or friends nearby. She was sent home form hospital with her first child & told "she'll feed when she's hungry". There was no support, just a crying baby who refused to latch...after my own struggles I really felt what it must have been like for her & was very nearly in tears. End of judgement - I fully understood her refusal to try again.

[littlelara]

So what you're saying is that it basically takes practice until it becomes your natural state?
I've only recently realised I have never had it for myself or known how to trust or receive it when it was offered from others, so I'm having to reset that programming too, but it's not easy.
Baby steps and being mindful all round, I guess.
I just wish it came more naturally. I want to be kind without first thinking what the kind thing to do would be, you know?

[littlelara]

In the mean time, you guys feel free to pull me up, ok?

[Bathsheba]

I'd say that for me it took time to grow... I wasn't born naturally compassionate.... but maybe I did start young Having children really enhanced my sense of compassion too. After the trauma of giving birth it dawned on me that EVERYONE has been a small vulnerable baby at one stage of their lives... even the "bad" people started off helpless.... and over time they have become damaged people. Other "bad" people have a brain chemistry that makes them come to very wrong conclusions and some people were raised so poorly that history is bound to repeat itself when they have children unless they are conscious not to. Everyone has a story. The more I learn about child development the more I realise how things can go terribly wrong. It's amazing that so many get through life given what they have had to endure. It's like my signature quote says: "everyone is fighting some kind of battle". When you walk through the shopping centre and encounter rude and oblivious people it might seem that they fully intended to behave that way but I bet that mostly they don't. The lady that frowned at your baby crying might be suffering from dementia... the checkout chick who ignored your pleasant greeting might be distracted worrying about how she can escape an abusive relationship.

I know many people who would roll their eyes at me saying that kind of thing... but at the end of the day I would rather live in a world where everyone gave the benefit of the doubt and therefore compassion than a cynical world where everyone suspects everyone is out to get them.

I would also rather be accused of giving somebody the benefit of the doubt when they infact don't deserve it than make an accusation and have to told of a tragic reason behind the poor behaviour. I know which situation I would find more humilating and that would be the one where I lacked compassion.

There's not alot to lose by being compassionate And you'll probably find that if you establish a reputation for being compassionate then you too will be on the recieiving end of "the benefit of the doubt" and compassion when the roles are reversed. Some people will always be prone to criticise the deeply compassionate, labelling them bleeding hearts etc... but in my expereince that's more a poor reflection on their state of affairs than yours... and I actually feel sorry for them too.

Well done Lara it starts with a bit of awareness... it will grow

[Lulu]

Although you don't have to have the crap kicked out of you to gain empathy (but it seems to help), having the desire to understand someone else or a situation different from your own goes a very very long way.

We can all have an immediate reaction which turns out to be the wrong one, but stopping and thinking about it a bit more before you act/say will help alot too.

I still think putting yourself into service is A1.

You don't come across as unkind or thoughtless - is there something in particular that you want to change?

[~Kim~]

I agree with everyone else and what they've said, but I also am conscious of how I am going to say or do something and how that will impact another person....kind of naive I guess, but I try to live by the line in Bath's signature.
I have 2 'trades' and in both of those you become acutley aware of your impact on others. I guess for me it was always there (compassion) but it's been honed somewhat.
I also think tact has a lot to do with it do. You don't have to have compassion for everyone everywhere, but it can be conveyed without heartless thought IYKWIM, just by using a bit of tact.

[Roryrory]

I just wish it came more naturally. I want to be kind without first thinking what the kind thing to do would be, you know?

Lara hun fake it til you make it!

I got to the age of 27 before I realised that just like I am inside my head looking out, other people are inside their head looking out at me

[littlelara]

Rory, I feel like I've been faking it an awfully long time.
I'm pretty good at the obvious stuff; I give to charities, was a member of the aust tibet council and wspa when I could afford it, and I give what I can to those who need it - if I see that they need it (though it doesn't always occur to me), it's more the emotional stuff.
And Lu, right now I don't have time to dedicate externally (although down the track I can see myself mentoring or fostering, but even that has only occurred to me recently).
It's not that I think I'm a bad person, I'm just not naturally compassionate or kind unless I already love someone. And then I will do anything in my power to help if I can.
I guess all this started when I posted about a little girl in dd's daycare who really set my hackles twitching. A couple of people pointed out that she probably wasn't evil at all, just a little girl (sounds rediculous that someone even needed to point that out to me, but they did) and I just felt awful and aware that it wasn't my natural reaction, and not just because it involved dd.
I want to be kind, compassionate, not just so others will think that I am (which has motivated me in the past)
Does any of this make sense?
I'm trying not to beat myself up, to see that I'm a work in progress, but even that's a struggle.
Anyway, thanks for all your replies, you really are lovely people and I'm lucky to have you
Hugs to all xox

[Lulu]

1) I don't believe in faking it till you make it when we are talking about compassion and empathy.
2) it was a one off type thing - you were being a mumma bear. I consider myself full of empathy but also threatening to burn someones house down tonight lol. No one can wear a halo all day long...
3) You don't have to make a gesture as grand as fostering etc, it's the everyday stuff like helping little old ladies across the road, or a kind smile to a harried mother - or a kind word to another BB member (see you are already doing it!).

Free Tibet!

[smiles4u]

... Lara this is gonna come from an odd angle but i will try put it best i can without it sounding insane ....

I have thought of what would it truely be like to be laying on my death bed, my very last days or moments on this planet breathing and how i would want people to treat me whom are all coming to see me & imagine they would be at their highest level of kindness & compassionate towards me ... and RIGHT THERE i think that's the level of compassion i would give others myself whilst I AM here on this planet during my lifetime & nothing else less than i would want for myself at those last few moments in my life

Yes, the emotion rips into your heart but it makes you really, really FEEL deep down and feel at the deepest level that YOU CAN for that compassion to become stronger !!!

[Fleur]

I don't think I read the post you are talking about. But I do think if people pointed all that out to you & you 'got it' then that's a good start in itself, kwim? There are people out there who never get it, even when it is put in front of them.
Having an open mind leads to an open heart.

I think you are on the way anyway. Once you start questioning yourself, you will ask yourself "is there anything else that might be going on here... any other point of view"... you will find yourself putting yourself in other peoples shoes, & after a while it will become automatic

[littlelara]

Thanks jasp, that's what I'm hoping at least.
Lu, the little things I can manage; like the smile at the struggling mum, offering up a seat, whatever, it's more the mindset beyond that, I guess.
When someone is rude, or hurtful, or abrupt, or cruel, up til now I haven't looked beyond 'screw you'. It just doesn't occur to me.
I'm going to try, though.
Smiles, isn't that exhausting?
You've all been so helpful, thank you
Hugs xox

[Bathsheba]

I understand what Smiles means. I know it might sound morbid to a lot of people but I lead my life from my death-bed too a lot of the time.

Also, when somebody does something hurtful... if your knee jerk reaction is "screw you" that ultimately just extends and prolongs your own pain. If somehow you can get to a place where your knee-jerk reaction is: "I wonder what horrible thing has happened in their life for them to feel like doing that???" then I find that I am ultimately the better for it.

Forgiveness can actually be self serving: it converts the anger = pain feeling to a neutral wondering. It's taken me 40 years but I've worked out that whenever I get get angry I feel crap. A lot of people don't seem to get this. Why do people want to feel crap unless it's REALLY worth it or going to be productive somehow eg at a protest march etc. Maybe some people think that geing angry is empowering somehow? I think that being able to move on is more empowering than anything. Don't mean to make this a lecture Just sharing how I deal with situations that involve the choice between angst and forgiveness.

[Fleur]

Bathsheba that is so true. I spent years being angry at my mum (different issue ), until I realised that it was taking up a lot of energy & effort to stay angry, I really had to work at holding onto it & it only made me feel like crap. As soon as I let go & started to accept that she is not perfect & she probably had regrets over that particular incident, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. It was a great lesson for me; I was never really one to stay mad but this particular thing was so bad I didn't think I would ever get over it - but I did.
Anger serves a purpose in the short term but long term it's kind of useless - JMO.

Lara, I also wanted to add - I am not perfectly warm & understanding all the time - I still have to work at it sometimes. I quite often grumble about the rude person I encountered before asking myself if there might be a reason they are having a bad day! I think that's ok don't expect too much of yourself. The fact that you want to be more compassionate & understanding gets you a long way there, iykwim.