Dreaming of baby

[LionsandBears]

This is not a logical post, but just wanted to write it down.

We lost our angel early July. He was a honeymoon baby and we were surprised but thrilled, making plans to move to a new house etc. At the 10week appt/scan we saw bub but there was no heartbeat. Just still and small. The OB dated him at about 8wk4days. The next day I had another scan to get a 2nd opinion, same result, so had a D&C on the 3rd July. Much grief, blaming myself, tears, anger.....

I always thought the baby was a boy. I don't know why, just had a feeling. The bub was tested for chromosones and I wanted to know for sure if it was a girl or boy, but they couldn't tell me - it was all inconclusive. I wrote him a letter and let it go into the ocean. I'm getting better, but even writing this is making me cry again.

I named my baby Angus, cos I've always liked that name. DH didn't want to name the baby, so I used a name I liked but he didn't. For him, it wasn't really a "baby". For me, it was and always will be our first son.

Last week I had a dream - it was like an ultrasound or x-ray picture of a baby girl. She was curled up with her little legs crossed and two holes at either end of her spine. In the dream I heard the words spina bifida and frank breech. She was a lot further along than the baby we lost. I woke up feeling sad.

I don't know how to interpret dreams, so I realise it may just be my sub-conscious processing all the information I've absorbed since losing bub (I've obsessively research to find out what went wrong). Part of me wonders, was it a dream about the baby we just lost and he was really a she, so do I need to change his/her name? i know there is no logic or real answers to this, it's just there in my mind that I may have given my baby the wrong name and it upsets me.

Or, even worse, is it another baby to come? It just seemed so detailed. There she was all curled up so peaceful, but she wasn't going to survive. Is it just my fears coming out? Could it be real? not that there's anything I can do about it except keep taking folic acid.....I'm just terrified of losing another baby and so much further along than our first.

Anyway, it's just been on my mind.

[luna moth]

It's a dream... Your baby's out there, somewhere.

It could have been your baby, it could have been someone else's.

Angus is a great name. Stick with it.

[Matthew's Mum]

tashybabe-I was having dreams a little while ago ,when i spoke to my pyhscologist about them she told me it was that my body's way of dealing with the sadness,basically she said if you were awake you'ld cry but because your asleep the feelings manifest into dreams.I think you should go with your first instinct on the name.I'm sorry you are having to go through this grief,hugs.