this is a spin off from my thread in which Bath raised the topic of core values and whether my core values are the same as my husbands.
So I am asking all of you, what are your core values and do you share them with your other half? How important is it to share the same core values as your other half?
oooh this would have been a good thread for the Emotional Growth & Development section
The ones I share with my DH include: (it doesn't mean we are prefect examples of these values... just that we value them highly)
Honesty
Reliability
Compassion
Open mindedness
Respect for cultures and religions that are not our own
Education and Learning (as an ongoing process and something to be invested in)
Respect for people's privacy and personal space
Respect for nature and "green" issues
Respect for Animal rights (neither of us eat mammals)
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
we both share Christian values
being a part of something bigger than ourselves
being outward looking and not focusing everything on oursleves
faithfullness ( i mean this in being faithful in position you are put in, like being reliable)
kindness
giving
our parenting styles as well as discussing and coming to a common agreement if we do disagree on anything to do with parenting
ideas on pregnancy and birth (lol thats very important to me!)
we do share our values and I find it to be sooooo important I am very lucky in that regard as alhough we certainly don't agree on everything all the time all of our important values are shared
my DH & I basically believe & hold true what Bath said. We're from different relgious background (me - none, him - JW), but it has never been a singel issue. It did make for one really funny conversation about creation vs evolution!!
Yep I will get this moved I think if that's okay Widdly???
Now, this is a great topic and I will give a long rambling response! When I got married I was in love with my husband but I didn't really make a conscious decision on what I was marrying. I loved him, I was attracted to him and I could "see" him growing old.
He told me his values were deeply held belief in the sanctity of marriage, commitment, children, supporting me to study and work as I needed etc etc. He openly revered my convictions on green issues and work with supporting organisations that support humane living for all religions, races and animals...
Fast forward and slowly it became apparent that they were not really deeply held beliefs of his. He wanted to be like that but essentially he had difficulty being like that. That became apparent not long into our marriage. I can remember feeling completely betrayed when he would poke fun at me protesting on duck shoots, going to AI meetings, etc etc. He thought it was a bit amusing. I thought it was integral to survival as a compassionate species...
Then when it came to work - he didn't want me to work as it interfered with his ability to grow his career. I could see this and abdicated my work and study dreams. However I couldnt' maintain it as it was also a part of me. This created great conflict. At the time it didn't appear to - but now I can see he deeply resented my need to work and earn my own money. I would do work from home for a Uni or doing short contracts. Slowly though it became too hard... So by the time DD6 was 4 I was at home with no work and part of me was gone...
My marriage is now over and that is very sad - but when I honestly look back it was inevitable all along. What were my core values were not his. He pretended to think of them as important but at the end of the day they were part of my attraction to him but they were not held dear by him as they are to me... Does that make sense?
So, in my next relationship these are my core values:
* share a commitment to an anti racist, anti religionist view point and a commitment to actively making the world less dangerous for those that do not follow a countries nominated religion or who do not have the same skin, eyes or faace as me...
* Share a commitment for green issues and living a more sustainable lifestyle
* Love and accept children and even consider fostering children that are not as fortunate as our birth children
* willing to support my educational and work goals and I will willingly support theirs
* a deep interest and respect for cultures that are dissimilar to our own
* a commitment to non violent communication
* a deep respect for other faiths, no fear of other faiths - or a willingness to work on any fear there may be.
* respect for books
* love of animals
* love and respect for good food, its organic farming practice.
* ability to be alone and a willingness to allow my own time...
I am sure there are many more but there is a start!
What a good thread. Me and dp are pretty much on the same page. We're quite laid back people so our core values are mainly
-supporting each other in decisions that we make, whatever they may be
-being able to discuss things openly and honestly without fear of repercussions or rejection
-being able to provide the best care to our children in all aspects of life and teaching them how to be responsible and repsectful people.
-being tolerant and respectful of other peoples views and ideals..
I am sure there are more but dd is having a bit of a whinge, might have to come back
For our part, we actually differ on face value for some of our values. I am a Christian and he is not. I didn't identify myself as a Christian when we first got together, but got back in touch with my spiritual roots after my DD was born. It doesn't cause any tension as fundamentally his moral beliefs are mostly in agreement and he is interested in hearing/delving further. He will probably never become a Christian formally, but he is involved to a certain extent in my church.
In other areas, while we share much the same philosophy and belief, sometimes his emotional issues mean he doesn't follow through. But I think the foundations are essentially the same. We don't disagree on any social/political/child rearing principles, although specific points we may hold differing views on.
I could have written that paragraph about Christian values Jennifer. My DH, I don't think, readily identifies as being a Christian but he seems to value the Christian message. He also enjoys discussing religious issues. He acknowledges that he doesn't give as much thought to spirituality that he should and seems to think that this is because it was basically ignored by his family when he was growing up. So he strongly supports me taking the kids to church... he believes that it will help our children be more tolerant. He has come along a handful of times but I think he feels a bit socially awkward... afraid that he might make a faux pas or something. He is big on etiquette. This is another value we share: a genuine belief that everyone deserves a basic level of respect no matter who they are. Neither of us believe in torture or capital punishment.
I see DH and I growing more similar as we get older... especially as DH experiences more and more diversity in the community. I experienced this early as a teenager as we moved around Australia a lot... DH (because his family lived in the same house in the same small country town all his life) was a bit more limited in his exposure.
We don't agree on everything... I probably drive him crazy as I question his stance more than he questions mine... but we both enjoy a good debate and rarely get emotional about issues if they are in the context of a discussion. We get emotional about practical things like disciplining the kids... but not hypotheticals. I really like that about him... it's hard to find!
In some ways we share values, and in other ways we do not. However, importantly, I feel that we both respect each others' values, and never mock or belittle them.
Our main similarlity is a deep desire to create a wonderful, close and nurturing family environment.
Our main difference is that I find him to be less tolerant / more quick to make jokes about other races / religions / lifestyles.
That used to reallllly upset me, but I have come to realise that this is his 'top level' mode of operating, quick to make a joke, but deep down I now know he is a very compassionate person. I think it was the way he was raised, his family is pretty racist and sexist :s
DP and I got together after we had both been through marriage breakups so we were very open about our values and discussed them upfront.
- bringing up children and doing everything possible to ensure that they are resilient, responsible, caring, contributing members of society
- environmental awareness and try to reduce our carbon footprint
- ethical treatment of people and animals
- respect for each other
- support each other in making decisions
- not living beyond our means
- Honesty and Trust
- Openness in communication
politics- both labour voters with preference to greens environment parenting and discipline - my mother was a tyrant and his mother was too soft, we try to meet in the middle, and believe there needs to be some room for them too move. BUT, letting them get away with everything long term is only hurting them legal - both don't believe in the death penalty except in extreme circumstances like pedohiles and premeditated murder with severe violence etc social class/money - we both HATE materialism and how large amounts of money change people. We are happy with little
Probably the only core belief we don't share is religion. I'm firmly athiest, DH is agnostic. But we both respect each others opinions.
I just thought I would add some of the "values" we don't aspire to:
Materialism: We don't care much about keeping up with Jones. We don't care about being seen in an Op Shop. We don't care what car we drive just as long as it is safe and it works.
We try not to value the Bright Sparkly Brand New: We like old things that wear well with age. We know that buying new things creates demand and depletes the Earth's resources. Happy to shop at Cash Converters for most things as a type of recycling. If we built a home it would be from recycled materials as much as possible.
We don't value rampant self promotion (ie inflated egos). We both struggle with celebrities and sports stars that have inflated egos. We agree that self respect is healthy but follow the old saying "Pride Cometh Before A Fall".
core values
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