A bad situation..

[CFlake]

Hi All,

I'm a new member here and I thought I'd post my current story to see if I can get some of this off my chest to strangers and also to see if anyone had any advice they can offer.

I separated from my wife around 4 months ago. I initiated it and I won't go into too much detail about the marriage suffice to say that we were married 7 years, we won't be getting back together and it wasn't due to anything "bad" - ie. no violence, neither of us was cheating, etc. She went overseas for 5 weeks with our daughter and when she came back I realised that I didn't miss her and didn't love her anymore.

We have an 18 month old daughter (Alicia) who means everything to me and she currently lives with her mum. We have a bit of stuff, not a lot, but I collect a lot of crap ("hobby" crap) and it's all stored in the house. She lives in Melbourne but I've moved down to Hobart temporarily and will be here for probably another 3 months.

ok, the best bits. She currently lives in the house and refuses to leave. She also refuses to pay anything towards the mortgage and up until recently I have still been paying all the bills (power, water, gas, elec, foxtel, internet, telephone & her car payment).

I fly back to Melbourne every weekend to see my daughter. She has allowed me to see her for around 4 hours per day (sat/sun) but insisted that it was supervised (by her) at the house. I have also been paying the maximum amount of child support (just under $1,500/mo) because she will not let me have our daughter overnight so has told CSA that she has 100% of the nights per year.

There has been no history of violence from me, but I do tend to yell when I get angry. She has punched me in the head before (while I was holding the baby), but I didn't go to the police or anything like that because I would have felt stupid. She is playing the 'I fear for my safety' card anyway and continually threatens to take out an AVO (but knows she currently has no grounds). I can tell she is always making little comments to get me angry but I've always kept my cool.

So anyway, last weekend I was allowed to take my daughter out of the house (after assuring her that my car is safe - I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute). When I returned her, I was sent a txt asking to return her to the neighbours place, which I did. I then went next door to my house and tried to get in (I had something in the house I needed) and realised she has changed the locks!

I sent her a text asking her to come out and open the door, but she refused and then called the police. They couldn't do anything of course, it's my house after all. They persuaded her to open the door, I went in and got my stuff and then left.

I have been sent 3 letters through her lawyer (to mine) in the last week demanding the following:
- 72 hours notice minimum of when I want to see Alicia
- 4 contact hours per week, (or 8 per fortnight) no overnights
- Request 72 hours in advance to go to the house
- If I want to remove any items, they need to be requested through her solicitor
- Any communication must go through her solicitor (to "improve" communication apparently!)

Ultimately, I want 50% custody of my daughter, but she is fighting me every step of the way and making ridiculous demands. She holds all the cards because she has the house (and won't leave) and my daughter.

She gives lip service to look like she is cooperating but then tries to block every attempt I make to see my daughter - 4 hours per week, especially when I'm flying to Melbourne specifically to see her, is completely unfair. But to HER, it's fair - she keeps saying "We have to do what is best for Alicia" - the problem is she thinks that whatever she says is best for the baby because "mother knows best". She sill breastfeeds our daughter and in my opinion does so to maintain control over contact. She uses breastfeeding as an excuse as to why I can't have Alicia overnight.

Oh, one final thing. We went to mediation and she made no compromise and after the first session rang up and canceled the second session because she thought the mediator sided with me and was biased against her.

The only thing I can come up with is to get to court as fast as I can, but my lawyer said this morning that could take up to 6 months. So does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks for reading.

[Lulu]

Well I'd stop paying all the bills, but other than that I don't have any ideas. Your lawyer would be the best one for advice really. Are you happy with your lawyer because you would think 72 hrs notice is going a bit far.

[AliBaby]

Cancel your accounts in your name. Give her written notice that you are doing so and keep photocopies of them (then she cant say that you didnt give her notice and left her with no power, etc)

Seek some assistance from a family soliciter.

She is gettign away with far too much. You deserve more access to your child and providing you have suitable accomodation for her you should have access to her overnight.

I would contact family assistance and let them now the situation as well. It is good to have as much stuff on the records as well.

Sorry I cant be of more help. I think you are being treated unfairly and I dont think it is right that she is using your child as a pawn in this situation. Good luck with it all.

[~Serenity~]

If you are paying that much cs I would deffinatly stop paying bills, also you should get more time with dd if u pose no risk I don't know why you can't have 2 days of visits and she could express I agree go to court asap but stop paying bills!!!!

[kelebek]

I agree with the others that you should stop paying the utilities but definitely give her notice.

I have to say as a breast feeding mother of a 20 mnth old that DS still feeds 2/3 times overnight which would make it difficult for overnight visits. DP has looked after him all night once and settled him with milk and had to sleep with him and I am going away in a couple of weeks and I am very nervous and I am with my partner. What I am trying to say that while you shouldn't have to 'prove' that you can look after DD overnight it might go a long way to help your cause to tell her how you would handle an overnight visit. Hope that makes sense...

I would also be talking with a lawyer to see what your rites are and if you aren't happy with your current lawyer find one you are happy with

[Chocaholic]

Definitely stop paying bills. Give her a weeks notice and cancel everything that is in your name connected to that house!

Get another solicitor if you are not happy with the one you currently have.

Talk to Relationships Australia. Try mediation again. Make notes about her cancelling etc. It will all go in your favour when it gets to court. Take notes about everything little thing. If she promises something and doesn't deliver, make a note etc.

Lastly, do not play her game. It sounds like she is incredibly hurt by the breakdown of your marriage and she is lashing out. Try to be sympathetic but do not be a punching bag or doormat!

[littlelara]

I have no advice, I just wanted to say welcome and to wish you well. You'll find good advice and great support here

[Inanna]

Mmmm...

Well the requests about times IMO are just common sense. It isn't okay to just rock up...

As for paying the mortgage. If she has been the primary care giver of your daughter and the relationship breaks down... She is very likely able to claim spousal maintenance from you. Spousal Maintenance is an interim order that helps tide her over until a financial settlement is reached. A spousal maintenance order is likely to cover some if not all of the mortgage and "other reasonable expenses of the marriage"...

If you want a 50% shared care arrangement - can I ask why you are in Hobart? Usually shared care arrangements are appealed soon after separation...

If she is breastfeeding and has been breastfeeding Alicia - I would think it unlikely she is doing this for your disadvantage. The WHO advise the children are breastfed for at least 2 years.
That would make overnight visits difficult - it's my experience that it would be difficult to gain overnight visits if a child is breastfed.

I wish you luck with this... Remembering a marriage breakdown is very very painful. She is in pain, she is grieving for the loss of the family unit as it was. You are fine as this is what you want. Give her some time and space would be my advice.

[Amity]

I think the best thing you can do is get some legal advice about your own situation.

From an emotional perspective, the separation is very recent, and this affects how both of you interact with each other.

Good luck.

[newmummy85]

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you, other than to seek some sound legal advice.

My ex-partner ended our relationship when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and it was very painful, so I would imagine she would be feeling very emotional and also probably quite frightened at the prospect of having shared custody of your child.

Having said that, I have always tried to maintain an amicable relationship with my XP despite the hurt, because I believe that he is a good father, so I think it's best for my daughter that he is in her life. In my opinion, a mother should never deny a father the right to a relationship with their child (or vice versa), as long as he is a good father and that it's whats best for the child.

Each story has different semantics, but as parents, sometimes we need to put our own emotions to the side, and concentrate on what's best for the kids.

All the best. I hope it's a good outcome for you all.

[Amity]

Welcome Ray. Looking forward to chatting with you more. You sound like a very interesting person.

I think, however, that what you refer to as "shared care" is actually "shared parental responsibility", which refers to decision making powers for the long term decisions about your child's care, welfare and development. These are usually health, education and religious issues. "Care" is the physical time that each parent spends with the child.

Good luck to both of you.

[Amity]

LOL Ray, funny! Single parenting is hard even with the most co-operative relationship between parents. It isn't uncommon for many of us to have difficulties with our XPs, so feel free to start a new thread with your own story if you would like to share.

[Blixie]

Good luck, i hope everything gets sorted soon

[Inanna]

I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

[Schmickers]

Hi there CFlake,

I won't comment on a lot of your situation because it sounds like a very difficult one - sadly, if you are unable to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, I think it is best dealt with through the family court system. It sounds as if you are very devoted to your daughter, and I hope things work out for you. I would be devastated if for some reason I was unable to have close contact with my children.

There are a couple of things I will comment on, though, and I will address this to both you, and Jessey, who also posted:

everyone's saying that you cant take Alicia overnight because she breastfeeds, i dont see why your XP cant just express for you it seems like an excuse more than anything IMO

This is really bad for maintaining supply. Expressing milk and feeding expressed milk is recommended for short periods of time - say, for one or two missed feeds - not for overnight stays or longer. Expressing milk simply does not do the same job of stimulating milk production to continue that feeding normally does. Anyone here who has been unfortunate enough to have to express long term will attest to how very difficult it is to maintain supply.

There are lots of really good reasons to breastfeed an 18 month old. It's very beneficial to their emotional development - it helps maintain their sense of security and their emotional wellbeing, and this is doubly important during the emotional upheaval of a separation. It's also good for their health - it is the most hypoallergenic, nutritious food that you can give a baby or toddler. I mean, look at all of those advertisments for the various toddler formulas which emphasise us how important it is to support the toddler's immune system to the age of 3 - breast milk does this job, and does it far more effectively than toddler milks. The WHO does recommend that children are breastfed until at least 2 years of age.

While I can sympathise with the emotional difficulties you are having at this time, I think you need to think about what is best for your daughter; and at this stage, breastfeeding is very important. I don't think you would be acting in her best interests if you put her in a situation where that might be taken away from her.

Secondly, as someone else has pointed out, you say you have initiated the separation, and you have moved to Hobart temporarily. I wonder whether this might be an important time to be as close to your daughter as possible, so that you can make the most of the limited time you have available to you with her? Perhaps it might be wise to consider your living arrangements to provide the two of you with the best possible chance to maintain your father-daughter bond.

I hope things all work out for you.

[tiffanny]

I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

I recognise that you have a valid point/opinion Inanna but what about the effect of not having her father in her life. To me this would be more detrimental, after having her daddy there from the beginning, than not being BF for 1 night a week!

[Inanna]

That's so true Tiffany you are absolutely right! But this Dad lives in another state - there are lotsof hours in a day and a week where access is possible and can be negotiated. Not having a child overnight does not mean that that child cannot have a relationship with their father! I know from my own personal experience had I weaned my babies because their father decided he didn't want to be married and wanted overnight access - well they would have been distraught! They all fed frequently one until she was 3.

When marriage breaks down and there are children involved we need to think of the kids. What is going to make them feel the safest?

Usually this is having the familiar care provider to look after them - and access to their other parent. In the case of a breastfeeding child it would be very difficult to argue that it is better for them to not breastfeed so their father can have them overnight. For example my daughter at 2 fed frequently throughout the night. Had I been in this situation I would have fought strongly for the right for my child to breastfeed as she always had.

I think it's easy to get emotive and reactive and talkof the rights of parents. But let's look first at the rights of children. If a parent lives interstate and travels overseas then perhaps this child is accustomed to the absence of her father. Perhaps not used to the absence of her mother? I do not know of course - it's conjecture.

However, again, what is the best for a child is what needs to be thought of first. When parents cabnnot agree on that. The Courts will. Unfortunately when that happens it costs much in the form of money, respect and goodwill... (often)

[Inanna]

I hear what you are saying Dad...

I think you mean the "let down" Dad.

I think you are being selective with your information Dad - the case for breastmilk being the best option for children is really indisputable. I am a health professional & I have never in my time come across a professional who can disclaim this!

I can tell you my experience with a 2 & 3 year old that breastfed... I couldn't express anything! I can especially appreciate the difficulty to try and express coupled with the extreme stress and anxiety that one typically experiences during relationship break down.

I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a child to cease breastfeeding to facilitate overnight visits. Anyone can bottlefeed a baby but not so with breastfeeding. There is a bond, an emotional, physical and dare I say Spiritual bond that develops in the breastfeeding relationship.

The time for breastfeeding is short comparative to life expectancy. If a child has always breastfed changing that for the convenience of another parent I think is not optimal.