Do you feel like you missed out?

[~clover~]

Not sure if this belongs here, feel free to move to a better suited area.

I guess I'm more directing this at the younger mum's. Or the mum's who had their first babies young.
I love my kids more than anything & wouldn't swap them for anything in the world. Just wanted to make that clear first.

I'm having a few issues. DH is asking me to move back to where we both grew up. To be closer to him. I don't mind the idea so much myself, but I hate the idea of the kids growing up out there. I don't quite understand why I feel as strongly as I do, but I do.

I went through primary school pretty shy, had a few close friendships. 3 really. One I'm still close to today moved away, one, we kinda had a falling out (in about year 5, lol) & the other moved away in year 8 & we are very different people now & don't really talk.

When the second & I had the falling out, it was my shyness that kept it that way. It was simply, she doesn't like me (or whatever my oppinion was), so she doesn't like me. Noone else probably does either. So I just avoided her & talking to her. Now I think back I can see why people thought I was a snob (alot still do )

So anyway, come high school I had a few friends, but they lived out of town or had odd parents so they were never around to do stuff with on the weekends. By the time I was in year 10, they'd mostly dropped out & 2 even had babies.

So I switched to a bigger school an hour away. Made a few friends, but living an hour away there still wasn't much to do on weekends.

Then I met DH. I got to do things. We went to the movies, out for dinner & stuff, but it was just us. I think thats a big reason we bacame so wrapped up in each other so early. I'd never really had a boyfriend before. Not one that meant something. So it was mostly just us & occasionally we'd go swimming or something with another couple.

We decided to move away, & with in 2 months or so I was pg with DD1. At 17. Not long after I was 18 I was a mum. I know thats not hugely young, but I have so many things now that I look back on & wish that I could change.

I didn't just have that one baby, then have some fun before the next one. I kept going thinking I could get my family done, then when they were a bit older I could try to have some fun again. We've had some good times here & there, but mostly we are too broke to do anything, or have noone to have the kids.

Now I'm thinking I'd like to be doing some stuff on the weekends, or whatever all the family is too busy. All working full time. I can't trust the kids with others quite yet, & I don't have anyone else.

I think my huge issue with being out there is that my girls will do the same as me. Maybe if I'd gotten out of there earlier I'd have seen that there is stuff to do. That life can be fun. I was so in love with DH I didn't care about the rest.

I hated my life out there. i feel like I missed out on being a teenager, I've missed out on being a young adult & I wish I could get it back. Does that sound selfish?

I dunno. Maybe one day it will happen & I'll be able to do stuff again & I'll get over it, but there are so many things I missed out on. I cry through kids movies when I see them doing stuff I didn't get to do...how sad! Even starting a relationship. Its so fun & exciting at the beginning. I only did that once. Just going to the beach & sitting around with a group of mates, relaxing. I can't relax like that with 3 kids running around in the water, lol!!

I think the fact that I haven't been out, & haven't had a break of any sort since I fell pregnant with DS is really taking its toll. I've had I think 2, maybe 3 nights...no, just the 2 since he was born where I've had a few drinks, but one of them was just at home with my bro & SiL with the kids in bed!

I don't want my babies to look back one day & have these feelings. There's nothing I can do now. This is it. I just have to get on with it Be thankful for what I have & look forward to them moving out of home, lol. When I'm too old to get into a night club without looking a tad sleazy!

Hope this didn't come across as selfish as I feel I'm being... Am I the only one who has these feelings? Please tell me I'm not alone, lol!

[~Saram~]

Hi BJrose,

I don't think you sound selfish at all!

I was 20 when I fell pg with DS unexpectedly, 6 wks after he was born we were transfered away. DH and I have been together since we were 15 and yes at times I wonder if either of us missed out on anything getting together so young but ultimately it comes back to us being happy now and making the best of what we have and knowing that friends of ours are still out there searching for the love we were lucky enough to find so soon.

As for doing stuff without kids and having some time out etc - yep we miss it which is one reason why we are moving home next year but we still try and make time for each other as much as we can now. DH and I often give each other the night off to go to the movies by ourselves while the other one stays home with the kids.

Now that we have finished having kids I am focusing on moving on to the next stage of our lives, having older kids and being able to do more things. DH and I are currently planning our first overseas trip in 2020 Yep it's a long way a way but it feels good to be planning this.

I think I'm just rambling but just wanted to say - your not being selfish and I know how you feel and feel free to vent and get it out.

[Lisa]

No, not selfish at all!

I was 18 when I had my first child and I still get major pangs of jealousy when I read or hear about my friends travelling overseas, or having lived overseas. I always wanted to travel, but I had a baby instead so I have never travelled... I've actually never left NSW

I totally get what you mean. Like you, I know my time will come. I think because I am now 34, I am so used to the mummy role that it is hard for me to imagine anything else so I am more than comfortable where I am for now

[~clover~]

Thankyou both so much! It feels so good just to know I'm not alone!
I haven't ventured too far out of NSW myself Lisa, lol. Bribie Island for our honey moon & 3 other times just that side of the border. I felt so special crossing state lines!! lmao

Funny thing is that when I do get the time off, I'll often sit there & think 'the kids would've loved this'... lol

[CharlieBrownGirl]

TBH, for some reason I have a few tears - I think your post is .... how can i put it -
there is an underlying issue of regret and 'what if'.

Life has so many options.... what if i made the wrong decision, what would life be like without x.

I have friends that had children young, the positives - they'll be free to do child free activities whilst I'm playing Mummy 24/7. I think in the end it all equals out. I've done my education and travelling before the children - where as younger Mummies might study whilst the children are at school and have more disposable income later in life for travel etc...

I think as a parent you always want what is best for your children - you're reflecting on life to give them the best possible.

Geez, I hope that makes sense.

I guess try not to think of regrets and what if I did a, b or c - look forward into the future

[skeetaboat]

Hey BJ...

It sounds like you're really doing it tough and have had no time for *you*.

I was several years older than you when I first started (but several years younger than I wanted to be) and I have felt like this a lot. It's not selfish to mourn what you've missed. It doesn't mean you don't love or want your kids, it's simply an acknowledgement of the truth. Having children means huge sacrifices and by starting so young, you've sacrificed even more than most. Your late teens and early 20s are a huge time of exploration, experimentation, freedom, and self discovery. It's only natural for you to mourn or grieve for the fact that you've missed out on that.

I think I came pretty close to PND after my second because of the very same feeling that you've described. One day I woke up and realised that these precious baby & toddler years will soon be over, and I'll *so* regret it if I Just wish them away and feel sorry for myself. Not that you're wishing yours away or feeling sorry for yourself.. it sounds like you're pretty sensible about it, but it really helped me to just kind of let go and decide to enjoy the present & look forward to the future.

As for moving.. it sounds like you blame that place for the life you've fallen into and missed opportunity, but it also sounds like there were also several factors at play (shyness, distance, inability to travel on weekends, lack of involvement in local activities). Do you think the same fate for your children is inevitable? Do all children in the town you grew up in have similar destiny? Are there things you could do to help your children have a different kind of experience growing up there )getting involved in local sports & activities, lots of experiences outside of the town, encouragement of friendships & social skills, etc)? Are there pros to moving? It sounds like you'd be closer to DH.. that' have to help you get some more *you* time. Would you have more support for family there?

I don't know if it's even worth you considering the move.. I'm just posing some questions that might help you think through it. Not suggesting that you should move at all. If you think you'd be miserable there then it's probably not worth exploring.

Don't dispair.. you have a lifetime ahead of you. Soon (apparently too soon as my elders keep telling me) kidlets grow and become independent, and *that's* when you'll get your time hunni. I know it's not much consolation when you're feeling like this. But it's like the song.. for every season there is a time & a purpose. Yours is just all out of order from the norm. Your youth, your *you* time, it'll come. You might not fill it with weekends clubbing or pashing 18 year olds in the backseat of their car (or maybe you will ) but you'll get to do other just as fun and fulfilling things that help you discover yourself.

Meanwhile, is there any way you could snatch an hour or two a week? Trade babysitting favours with a friend? A gym with childcare facilities? Occasional care (with the rebates when you're on low income, it's actually quite cheap)?

[Oorki Galoorki]

i dont think age has anything to do with it.. we all go through a grieving stage when we become parents because we are parents we are no longer free to do what we want.

but you are right in that soon enough your kids will be old enough to go and stay at peoples houses and you can have soem "free time". and you may have a free house before you are 40( i know that will sound like ages away)but it will fly past and you will still be young and active!!

[Nelle]

A bit, many of my friends are no-where near settling down. But I remember when I was at uni (so I reproduced slightly later than you), my friend's mum was going to uni. Your kids will all be in school one day, and there will be time for you to start to figure out something for yourself. Hobbies, education, work...and then, once the kids are more independent, maybe in mid-late high school and Auntie whatsit can come and housesit and make sure your teenagers shower and don't starve for 2 weeks, you can be swanning around the country (or world) on a holiday here and there. Or camping.

It's just differences in timing. Some of our friends have a lot of independence right now, and we will have a lot of independence later - when my eldest is 18 I will only be 40, and some of my BB friends tell me that's not so old at all.

[~clover~]

if anyone catches me in the backseat of a car with an 18 year old guy....slap me!! pmsl!

& yes, when my oldest is 18, I'll only be 36. I just hope when I do get to that stage I'm not one of the ones who looks silly coz its so obviouse I'm trying to regain my youth!! lol


I have done everything I can so far to make sure my kids are outgoing & happy with a great social life. I am thinking about the move, but its all just talk for now. Could be 6 months before we make a decision. There are the odd few that escape & do better with their lives, lol, but mostly out there its alcohol, drugs, teen pregnancies, crime, centrelink...etc. I think coz thats the kind of people I was mostly raised around, thats all I had to aspire to iykwim. Dad was a shearer & him & all his mates were pot smoking alco's. All great hard working people who own their own homes etc, but that is their whole lives. Drinking & smoking.
Mum did try to do better, but she was a bit like me I guess. Had me young & put everything else on hold. She never went on to do the things she could've done. She's been a cook in the sheds & owned a take away shop.

[skeetaboat]

i dont think age has anything to do with it.. we all go through a grieving stage when we become parents because we are parents we are no longer free to do what we want.

I agree that we all (or most of us) go through a grieving stage after becoming a parent, but I think age can have a lot to do with a person's experience of that grieving process. Becoming a parent is a different experience when you have a planned pregnancy when you're 30-odd and feel ready, after having enjoyed your youth, finished studying, settled into lifetime friendships, carved out a career path, had the opportunity to travel, bought a house, are financially secure, done the things that are important to you, etc, etc, than it is when you're just a kid yourself and haven't had the opportunity to do all those things or consciously decided to become a parent because you're ready for it.

[Fleur]

I think it's normal to feel like this. Especially when we are presented with a picture of what young women are / can be / should be doing. I often watch TV / movies & think ahhhhh..... that would have been nice

I was 16 when I fell PG, 17 when I had DD1. And fwiw it took me years to admit that it might not have been ideal - I was so focused on making it 'not a bad thing' that I almost went full circle & told everyone it was better this way. I was in a bit of denial...whatever. It got me through.
I went through a stage of feeling like you are too, in my early 20's. It passed...these days I can admit that it wasn't ideal, certainly not what I want for my children, but I have made my peace with it too & accepted tht this is my life and who knows what would have been ... I don't know that my life now would be better or worse, just different.
For me it was more about lost opportunities. Apart from a brief stage, I didn't mind missing out on the pubs etc but I do regret my education ending in high school... and I kind of feel like in some areas I grew up very quickly & in others I had a delayed entrance to adulthood ITMS?

In your case... I think it might have a bit to do with as you said, not having had any 'you' time for ages. I think it would be a great idea for you to do something just for you...working, studying or just beach time

i dont think age has anything to do with it.. we all go through a grieving stage when we become parents because we are parents we are no longer free to do what we want.

That too

Nope, you're not the only one...these feelings will pass & I hope it passes for you soon... I would bet that your current situation has you feeling restless & thoughtful... it will sort itself out eventually

[Oorki Galoorki]

i should also say i think at the mo BJ your mind and heart are split between so many things that your really feeling the pressure...just going by previous posts.

i Hope you find your answers soon, unfortunatly not often will you find them when looking at others.

[~clover~]

Yeah i know. Your right. I have so much going on. I have no idea what I'm doing really. Trying to do the best I can do, but I have no idea which really is best... for everyone...

[Rouge]

I think it's normal.

The one thing I envy... the one thing I never did. Was have my own place. My own space that wasn't a share house. A place just for me with a sunny kitchen window that I could sit by with my cup of tea on a weekend. Sole independence that's what I wish I had.

I was independent young, but I had share houses. I always felt as though I was under someone's care. I always felt like I was abiding to someone elses rules, because well I was. I was younger and for whatever reason I was always the one who had to go with the flow because I was younger. I also met my husband very early on so I have practically been with him from the time of my independence.

I don't regret any of my choices, but I do have moments where I envy those who had different opportunities to me. I wouldn't give up my children for the world, and the envy doesn't take over my life or make me regret anything. But I think it's ok to acknowledge "Oh man I didn't get to do that... I wish I had". That is healthy. Dwelling on it and living in a fantasy land that is not. That is when you miss the life you are living and the joys that you have now.

I know I'll never have my 1 bedroom little flat, and y'know I don't want it NOW I want it then. And that can't happen and that's ok I am ok with that.

But you CAN still have YOU time. You need to roster yourself some YOU time! You need to teach yourself that there are certain times of the day when you don't think about ANYONE else but you. Have that candlelit bath, go for that walk on your own. Go and lie in the sun with a good book and a vodka on ice. Whatever it is that YOU need to do you can and it doesn't require babysitters or a million dollars it just requires planning and determination You can DO IT!

[smiles4u]

My Mum was pregnant at 17 and had her baby at 18 ... but that was 1957, and still until this day my Mum at 70 clearly has issues that she feels she hasn't accomplished what she wanted to do in life ... she has never been interstate let alone overseas, she doesn't have her driver's licence, she has never done a course of learning of any sort and she hasn't been in the workforce since she was 16.

BUT having said that i want to tell you my Mum has said all along ... young Mother's today are so very fortunate that they have so many opportunities available through the community to learn & be educated with courses, enabling them to at some point obtain a job they enjoy & hopefully make good monies from which they can travel even if it means taking the family, get a driver's licence, save for a car, etc ...

Doudou & Nelle ... hey gals so right being in ya 40's is not considered old these days but then come 50 that might be a whole other story, LOL ... Which means i will be about 80 by the time my DD leaves home (or should i be crying )

[aussienic]

While i was a bit older then you when I had my first. I was 22 nearly 23.

None of our friends had babies till we were onto our second and by then we were 27 and 28.

I found it hard when we had our eldest because I had no one my age to talk about and all they wanted to do was go out and drink and have fun.. We still did fun things. We still had people over but late nights do not agree with a young child as we quickly learnt so we had to grow up as such.

I do love my kids with all my heart and certainly wouldn't change the way it has all happened but I wish before we had our first we had travelled more as a couple. It would have been nice to do that and I feel like I have missed out in that aspect..

Dh is already starting to count down the years till we get to travel with no one else It is good in a way we had our kids young because by the time Olivia is out of home or at least self sufficient (ie leave with friends or grandparents 14-16) we will still be young enough to get out and explore the world without a walking stick..

[widdly]

BJ, I have the very same regrets, I had DS at 22 and I really thought I was more than ready to start a family. In hindsight I wish I had of travelled and partied more and then had DS in my early 30's, however there are so many positives to having had him at a young age. DH and I are looking forward to life as DS gets older and eventually when he moves out, we have a lot of overseas trips planned out already LOL I will only be 40 when DS is 18, I think 40 is still young, in fact I think 50 is stillyoung!

You have plenty of time to travel and do things that you feel you mised out on ove the last few years. It wont be long adn your kids will be htat much older and you will have so much freedom all of the sudden.

Your time will come, it will just come later than some others

[Pretty Butterfly]

Babe, I feel the same a lot of the time.....

I was married and pregnant at 19. And I look back often at what I missed.....

I was a great dancer and almost made it to my teachers exams, I had just gotten into modelling, (have been confused with Jen Hawkins countless times a few years ago! ) never travelled or even been in a plane, or studied after yr 12.

I went from high school to marriage and babies.
My modelling went from wedding gowns on cat walks to maternity cloths for Grace Bros...

I think I have been waiting for the kids to get older so I can start my life again, so the shock of this pregnancy hit extremely hard. At my age the modelling and dancing is gone... travelling with 7 kids is a tad expensive, and Ill be 50 will kids still at home..

To be honest I have no advice, but will watch this thread....