Am I expecting too much?

[Salsa]

From friends I have spoken to it seems that 6 -7 year old boys stop listening to their parents and think they know best and answer back. Ok, so mine does too and its driving us crazy. He constantly ignores what we say even straight after we say it. Perhaps its a growth thing? We are sick of telling him off... am I expecting too much for him to actually stop answering us back and to do as he is told? Help!! How do we deal with this... its like he is in a world of his own, otherwise he is a good boy, always has been and it seems to upset him a bit that we are having to tell him off - but then he just seems oblivious to things we just said, even if he acknowledged what we said 2 seconds earlier.

[AnyDream]

Oh I hear you. I could've written the whole entire thing ...you've just described the last 5 years of communication in our household (DD is now 11 so yeah, about 6 is probably when it started).

First of all, I'd like to point out that in our case it turns out our DD has a little auditory processing problem - sometimes she genuinely forgets/loses the meaning of what we've said. So we have to make sure we stop what we are doing, face her directly, and sometimes say it one or 2 different ways, to make sure she actually has grasped the meaning. As for the answering back...I learnt from a very wise woman to always make sure the natural consequence falls back on the child. So, in the example of answering back (and in our house it's often tone of voice that's the problem) I stop her in her tracks, and make her say her point NICELY. She has to keep doing it until I'm satisfied she has communicated like a civilised being. No skin off my nose since if I don't stop her, I can easily spend the same amount of time while she argues with me, kwim? At least this way everyone's calm when the exchange is finished.

The other thing I have learnt is to lower my standards re response times - it sometimes takes DD a little longer to start doing the thing I've asked than it would another person. It's like there's a delay between when she hears it and when she moves her body to do it. I related 100% to what you said since my DD1 is often in a little world of her own...must have been a fairy child exchanged at birth I think LOL ...but this is the part where you just have to be the bigger person and practice patience. I also talk - at non conflict times - why this is a skill that's important in the real world, and relate it to times like when we're in the shops and the shop girl is really taking her time while you stand there bored out of your brain. Little by little my DD is getting better at this and your son will too.

PS worth getting his hearing tested and his auditory processing, just to be on the safe side.

[Salsa]

Thanks for that answer MD, so how do I go about getting his auditory processing tested? Via GP? He has had his hearing tested a few times (non recent though) and its been clear. But he does has a trouble with speech - hears something and then says it quite differently (though often but not always, along the gist of things). Is there any treatment/therapy they can give them?

But I guess part of it is general development, things like thinking he knows better etc And us saying stop or no. He seems to register and then a second later carries on...

[Tinks]

My kids are the same. It also started at about 7 here too.

I've started giving them a 'you're going to listen to me and don't say anything until i've finished speaking' speech before telling them what I need to tell them. Then I ask if they understand what I've jsut said and wait for an answer before they add their piece, which is usually a rebillious whinge but the message seems to get through that way.

[AnyDream]

The hearing something then saying something different sounds like a red flag to me. Poor auditory memory is another. In our case asking DD to do mental maths is an impossibility - she needs to hear the question at least twice and have time to write it down before she can think what the answer is. Haven't cracked times tables yet either . In our case it was only a mild problem in one out of four things they tested, so we had a list of recommendations for the classroom teacher to follow (seat her near, check for understanding, limit environmental noise). Good pediatric speechies can help too, I'm going to take DD to get assessed again next year (he had some work when she was younger) - she's older now and hopefully will learn a few new strategies that way.

You will have to do some research, it requires special equipment that not all hearing testing places have. We had ours done by a regular audiologist that had the equipment. I found out about them after I resorted to asking for parenting support thru the local govt cos I was at my wits end at the time. Perhaps start by discussing with your GP and find out what's available in your area, or an organisation like SPELD (google) might have some info in your state.

[AnyDream]

I meant to add google Auditory processing disorder for more info.

This is from Wikipedia, I'm pasting it in because it's pretty much describes everything I've read about it:

Persons with APD often:

have trouble paying attention to and remembering information presented orally; they cope better with visually acquired information
may have trouble paying attention and remembering information when information is simultaneously presented in multiple modalities
have problems carrying out multi-step directions given orally; need to hear only one direction at a time
appear to have poor listening skills, and need people to speak slowly
need more time to process information.
develop a dislike for locations with background noise such as bar, clubs or other social locations
prefer written communication (e.g. text chat)
have behavioral problems.

[UntoldAngel]

Ok I don't have children of my own yet, so this is strictly my opinion (with bits and pieces from being a big part in the lives of 10year old twins - 1 boy 1 girl)
He started doing the same around age 7-8 progressively getting worse, and we found the only way we could kerb this behaviour was to essentially bribe him... we would take time off computer use / nintendo ds / playing with pets etc what ever it was that he was greatly interested in at the time. It can become hard - he would say he didn't care if we took that time away from him and would continue the behaviour, but we persevered and now, almost 10, he seems to have learnt that the behaviour has consequences that aren't beneficial to himself IYKWIM
As suggested though, I would get his hearing etc checked just to make sure...
Good luck and hopefully it is just a phase