Reply With Quotehun... I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. I hope sharing it here will help you in some way.
Sorry I dont know what else to say
Heres my story ...
I apologise now if this is long the only person apart from my ex and 1 member of BB is DH that i have really spoken about this to and even then its been pretty brief except with DH.
So it all began in 2002 at 15 on May 22nd a man 4 years older than me the son of a family friend who i considered my best friend betrayed my trust resulting in me going off the rails so to speak.
On that day the person who i thought my best friend confided everything to raped me resulting in a pregnancy. This story is quite complicated and i apologise now for it being a little all over the place this is the first ever time ive told the whole story in one go. At the time I had a great bf who I still to this day owns a part of my heart (does that make sense lol!) Ok so back to the point I was raped and my world was spiraled by that alone I told my partner at the time and he understandably was furious and wanting to kill (not literally but ykwim)
3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant and had never had sex with anyone but the filthy betrayer so of course it was his. Being 15 and brought up by very strict parents who i was never and still am not close to I couldnt tell them so obviously couldnt abort the child. In august of 2002 my parents were planning to move us to Australia (i am british) I was devastated the only person who knew my secret and i was being torn away from him.
I never told the guy that i was pregnant my then bf and I had planned to act like the baby was alexs (then bf) but I still couldnt tell my parents 2 of my cousins had there 1st borns at 16 and the things my parents said about them i just couldnt do it so Alex and I made a plan he had quite a bit of savings so once i had moved over I was to runaway back to England my parents would never know I would be back where I wanted to be - problem solved!
We moved over in August 2002 thankfully it was winter here i kept rugged up to hide the slight bump that I had, my parents were non the wiser. November 2nd Alex came over from the UK he was worried about us making our great get away on my own so came over to help me break away so to speak. As he had never been out of England before he planned on staying in Australia for a few weeks before we headed off. On November 6th 2002 I woke up in our motel room (i had already run away by this point) with sever stomach cramps, I passed it off as just a stomach ache although it hurt far worse another 4 hours later and i couldnt walk, stand, barely talk or anything so Alex decided it was time to head to the hospital who informed me i was in pre-term labour (i was 25 weeks pregnant) i had a drip inserted and was given orange pills (cant remember the name) to attempt to stop the labour but I was too far gone, 2 hours later Anthony James was born, weighing 1lb 4oz.
He was surrounded by doctors and nurses the whole time I didnt get to hold him at first, 2 3/4 hours later even more doctors and nurses were rushed in I was panicking to the max sitting up in NICU my baby had stopped breathing followed 13 minutes later by his heart stopping, the medical team were unable to resussitate him so my baby Anthony James passed away barely 3 hours old.
To this day I still cannot cope with it, I have tried so many ways (many not the right way) drinking day and night, drug use anything to try and block the pain. When I met DH something was different I told him my story and he understood I got myself cleaned up and now have an beautiful daughter to him after making yet another mistake with DD1's father (aka the sperm donor)
I am sorry this is so long and a bit all over the place but I feel a lot better getting my story out, if you have any questions please do ask it will probably help me to talk a little more! Sorry will have to cut it off here can barely see the screen through tears
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Aw Nikki
Im so very proud of you
thanks Kass and a big thanks for letting me spill to you the other day too that helped a lot, love ya babes your a great friend
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Any time
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Im sorry this all happened and im sorry your beautiful little man was ripped away
I really have no words to express how i feel but im just so sorry
Last edited by lauren22; December 23rd, 2009 at 04:22 PM.
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Oh darling
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Oh darl! *BIIIIG hugs!* Thank you for sharing your story! You've been through so much, and you're such a strong person! I'm sure your little man is looking down on you right now and telling everyone up there that he's proud of his mum, you've done so much and made such a wonderful life for yourself.
I know from experience that you never forget the angels you've lost, but somehow you manage to keep to going, and you've done that darl, even when it's hard and things don't seem to be going the way you want, you've come such a long way since he was taken away from you and you've acheived so much!!!
You should be so proud of yourself for everything that you've acheived, and I'm sure he's proud of you too!
I've gone on and on a bit about it, but thats just how I feel
thanks girls feels so much better to tell my story but feels worse too like opening a wound kind of thing, i just feel really bad ttc right now i still have a slight drinking problem no way compared to what i used to just a mind blocking thing and id hate to fall pregnant and get smashed not knowing im pregnant thankfully thanks to DH im off the drugs but still its not good i just dont know how else to cope i am so glad i came across BB having been here only a few weeks and feeling comfortable enough to share my story says a lot!
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BellyBelly Member
What a sad experience for you to go through at such a young age. I'm so glad you have a wonderful hubby who sounds very supportive, keep working through it all hun, onwards and upwards
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Thank you for sharing your open and honest heartbreaking story.. Hopefully this will help the healing process.. So sorry for the loss of Anthony James.
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MrsS - thanks for sharing.
it takes a lot of courage.
don't forget to keep sharing - i for one want to hear more from you about how you're travelling.
you probably don't think it or even see it in yourself, but you are a strong and courageous woman and mother with a lot to offer. i am sorry that you're hurting so much. you said you had tried a lot of things to try to cope - is counseling one of them? i found it helped for me, although my situation is not as complicated nor as tough as yours. i was sexually abused and raped over a period of time as a child by someone older and in a position of trust, but didn't have to deal with a pregnancy, or a fractured relationship with my parents or an international emigration. my counseling was not in relation to the childhood sexual abuse, but was in relation to my angel babies. it has really helped me, but that's also because the counselor and I just clicked. i have never felt so safe as i do with my counselor, except for with DH. if it helped you even only a small bit, that would be something.
bless sweet little Anthony James, your angel baby.
take care of yourself and go gently. you've been through a lot.
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MrsS...
Every bad experience teaches us something about ourselves, or about those around us. Always hold close the gift that Anthony James has given you - it will help you find the strength to cope with everything else.
thank you everyone for your kind words it means a lot to me
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MrsS how are you doing tonight? I can't believe its almost midnight.
its nearly 1 here in VIC, im doing ok struggled xmas day but put on a happy face for my daughters. I just cant sleep tonight though i dont know why maybe because its still stinking hot!
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Oh hun.. I am SO sorry you had to go through something like that.. HUGE hugs
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