thanks for yor stories, here's mine

[kermit4]

Hi there,

I've been floating around here for a month or so now and have taken so much from each of your stories. I really have found it helpful to read about your experiences and how you all dealt with/ are dealing with things. You are all such strong women and I've been amazed at the support you all share with one another.

I thought it was time I shared my story here. Sorry if it's really long.

My perfect boy was born on 18th October 2009 at 14 wks 5days. I had a "medically managed" miscarriage in hospital here in the UK.

Although we had been trying for a few months and I thought I wanted this baby more than anything, when I eventually tested positive in August I had freaked out a little. I resented the change in lifestyle that the pregnancy required of me, I was anxious about every little symptom or lack of symptom and having just sold our flat and without another one to move to yet I was also stressing about the future.

At 11 weeks I was just about starting to get my head round it all. We were just about to move out of our flat and although we didn't have a new place yet, I was looking forward to finding the perfect family home.
Whilst house hunting one day I came over really faint and felt sick. We went straight home and although the faintness passed quickly I felt really cold and shivery and my hands went really numb and my eyes and lips went puffy. Felt better the next day but decided to go see my GP but he reckoned it was pregnancy related and ok.

The following week whilst at work I bled really heavily. Not for long but I also passed large clots/tissue. I phoned my hubby in tears. By the time we got home the GP was shut but I called NHS 24. I spoke to a midwife on the phone who said it sounded like I was misscarrying. There wasn't much that could be done that night but we were to call in the morning to arrange a scan to confirm.
That night was just awful. Hubby and I just wept, convinced it was all over.

Speaking to the midwife the next day she said it sounded like the baby had died a few weeks before since I had had bleeding but no pain. The scan would confirm. The feeling when the sonographer switched on the screen to show our little bub kicking around and his heart beating strongly was indescribable. We left with our hopes restored, clutching a picture of our little miracle.

Over the next week we shared the news with our family and friends. My parents were over the moon and my nieces and nephews were already arguing over whether they wanted a boy cousin or a girl cousin!

The weekend we moved out of our flat I began to feel a bit of dull pain. I put it down to all the cleaning etc I had been doing in preparation. Once we were in our rented place I put my feet up for a couple of days.

The pain went away but then I noticed some brown spotting along with some small clots. I phoned the hospital who said come in for a scan so I drove there on my own as my hubby was at work.
I knew something was wrong when the sonographer didn't say anything. She'd found bub so quickly the first time.

Having to tell my husband on the phone was nearly impossible. I can only imagine his journey to the hospital. Once he arrived the doctor explained about a 'medically managed' miscarriage, gave me a pill and told me to come back in two days time.

My anxiety about what would happen next was such that I visited the hospital twice before the second day. They eventually admitted me and we waited 48 hours for anything to happen. The information I had been given had told me I would need to go through labour to deliver bub and I would need to push etc.

Our baby was born with a cough. I was being examined internally as things were taking so long. The doctor told me to cough and he arrived.
The information we had been given talked about seeing our baby and getting hand and footprints made. The midwife told us we shouldn't look at it as it had 'deteriorated'. I spent days wondering in agony whether my husband had seen him. I eventually asked him and he told me he hadn't.

We consented to a post-mortem and recieved the results the same day we moved into our new 'family home'. No real reason could be determined. bubs was a perfect little boy but he must have died just after our first scan. This broke my heart as it meant that when we were sharing the news and celebrating his imminant arrival he had already left us.

Our hospital offered to arrange a cremation which I found hugely helpful. We had him cremated before the post-mortem results were back so we didn't know he was a little boy then. The only thing I regret about it was how impersonal it was. He was just 'this child' or 'baby R---'

I would like to name him now but hubby is not so keen. I will broach the subject again next year.

So 2010 will bring us a very different year than we had thought 6 months ago. Christmas cards recieved this year were full of "Hope 2010 brings you all you want". don't think it can now. don't think I'm ready.

Thanks for listening

[TeniBear]

*hug* Nothing I can say to make it any better, but I hope it helps getting it all out and talking about what you've been through... The ladies here are incredibly helpful, great listeners.

Re: naming him, even if your hubby isn't up for doing so, maybe you could give him a name in your own head? Even if it's just a nickname, it might help more than just saying "the baby" (I haven't had a loss myself, but my mum has had a few over the past couple of years, and I call each of them something different in my head when I "talk" to them)

RIP little guy, your mummy obviously loves you...

[Kitt3n]

Oh hun, how very sad. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I think it's a lovely idea to name him. My miscarriages were early ones, however I think of them in my heart as Bubble1 and Bubble2. I was quite a mess after the second one, and found it really helped to do a little something, something personal.

So I made a little paper boat and put a small candle in it, took it to a river and lit the candle, then watched it float away. Just as our little ones had floated away. Kinda gave me closure.

Please stay around, there are so many lovely ladies here to have had to endure similar circumstances - the collective strength here is amazing

[human bean]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son welcome to BB, the support and common ground many of us sadly share can be such a comfort, so whilst very sad, it's a good thing you've found your way here

[Cassius2]

I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy

I think a name would be a lovely idea for you. Sometimes our loved ones grieve in different ways to us, so like you said, maybe broaching the subject every now and then would be a good way to get him thinking about the possibility of a name...

Many hugs and thoughts with you and your DH xx

[kermit4]

thanks so much ladies..

can't tell you all what it means to get it out there and have your support. I'm finding it's kind of a taboo subject right now like hubby can't/doesn't want to talk about it and friends and family think it's best that the subject doesn't come up. I feel like I need to keep the taboo so as not to upset anyone else right now. I know it's not their fault but especially at work I'm feeling like I've got to be the most cheerful to show everyone its all OK and I'm not about to flake out anytime soon.

People keep gushing at me about our new house as if it's the back up and at least I've got that to be happy about. I'm just trying to keep the doors to the 'other' bedrooms closed right now. I really feel the expectations are so high for us to concieve again this year from everyone including hubby and to an extent myself. Really worried how I'm going to deal with all this if/when we do though.

It makes me so sad to think that all you girls have experience of all this in one way or another. So many of your stories have made me weep over the past weeks/months but it has helped me so much to know that when I was ready to talk it all through, there was somewhere I could do it without that uncomfortable-ness I get when I mention it (or just babies in general) to anyone else.

Just wanted to say stay strong to you all and another thank you for being there. I know you're on the other side of the world but in some ways thats easier i guess.

Thanks lovely ladies.

[dory]

kermit4

oh blossom, I am so sorry about the loss of your perfect little boy. It's a hard path you're now on. If people around you don't want to talk, then make sure you find someone who will? Coming here to BB is great, but if you think you need someone else to talk to in person, like a counselor, please seek one out. Helped me no end. This journey is hard enough without feeling even more alone. Your little boy is not a taboo topic, and it's ok for you to cry for him and want to talk about him. In fact it's ok if you want to talk about him over and over and over. Go gently and the ladies in these threads have all walked their own grief journey, so have some understanding of your pain and heartache. Hugs.

[beckoes]

welcome to BB. Im sorry to read about your loss and the hard year you have had! I hope 2010 brings you healing. Like others have said, BB is full of beautiful women who you can share you stories with! Hope to see you around. hugs to you.

[kermit4]

thanks again ladies,

as ever some comfort and sound advice from you all.

TeniBear,

Re: naming him, even if your hubby isn't up for doing so, maybe you could give him a name in your own head? Even if it's just a nickname, it might help more than just saying "the baby" (I haven't had a loss myself, but my mum has had a few over the past couple of years, and I call each of them something different in my head when I "talk" to them)

For the moment, I am calling him Bluetit. when I watch the birds at my garden table I am reminded of his scan picture and his tiny, perfect beauty.
Think I will try to talk to my hubby about giving him a proper name near his EDD. I would like to do something in his memory around that time.

Getting my head round it all slowly, was feeling really low over new year when I last posted here but approaching things a bit more positively now I think.

Your little boy is not a taboo topic, and it's ok for you to cry for him and want to talk about him. In fact it's ok if you want to talk about him over and over and over.

Thanks so much for your reply Dory, still feeling like people are avoiding the issue when even my closest friend pretends like it never happened but I understand how difficult it is for them all too. I need to remind myself that to them all I had only been pregnant for a week or so. It must seem less real to them. (It even seems a bit unreal to me!) As I said, I'm feeling more positive now but will remember your suggestion.

Much love to you all and thanks for your support.

[dory]

Kermit4 - what you doing up so late posting here? Maybe for the same reason I am up early posting.

Take care sweetie. There is a thread for memorial ideas in here somewhere. Have a look there for some ideas when you feel up to it.

It's really hard sometimes when DH and you don't seem on the same path. The best advice I can give, is when you feel you are able, talk to him about it and hopefully he will open up as to his reasons for his feelings. It's hard for men too, this greiving stuff. As much as it is about you as a mother and your grief, it's also about DH and his grief. When you can - don't forget to check in with him to see how he's going. If he is anything like mine, he will say "I am ok, I am just worried about you". Until DH could see some "improvement" in me, he wasn't prepared to talk about himself. Pretty sweet really. Hope your hubby is going ok. Let him know that some people are thinking of him.

As for your BF, can you talk to her and tell her for you to talk about your Bluetit? It's weird but my BF and I are on a similar grief journey and have even miscarried on the same day, a year apart, with similar symptoms. She has been an inspiration to me. But until I had a miscarriage and by this time she had already had one, I really didn't get it, the grief, the anguish. I feel embarrassed now that I just didn't get it. Maybe your BF is a bit like me - well intentioned and sad for you but completely lost about what to say or do? One of the other hard things about grief is sometimes it's you being the one to show people what they can and can't say or do. It's a pretty hard burden to bear when the load is so heavy.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit more positive. You'll get there.

Oh I really liked the story about the birds in your garden being a living memorial to you precious little one. that's just beautiful.

[kermit4]

Hi Dory,

thanks for your post, you have definately given me alot to think about particularly about my BF. I know how sad she is for me and I can see that she finds it hard not knowing how to make things better for me. It's not really fair of me to expect her just to know what to say or do, God knows I wouldn't. I guess I just need to find a time when I'm feeling strong and start to talk about my wee man. That way she will see that sometimes its helpful to talk about him.

Anyway, your post means alot to me, I hope that you and your DH are finding your way through your own grief. Thinking of you and sending you some of the positive vibes I'm feeling right now, all the way round the world.

Thanks again,
C.x

(BTW I'm in the UK so I'm not really keeping the crazy hours it shows here, it's 10 am and I'm just about to leave for work now!)

[dory]

kermit4

ahhh one mystery solved! (the uk) thankyou for having the strength to ask after me. I say that is a sin you are feeling more posiitve. Oh, and you are most welcome.


how was work?

Hope your journey isb't too tough. Take care.

[kermit4]

Hi again ladies,

Sorry to post more drama but really feeling I need to put this down into type to sort out my head.

The reason my normally upfront, straight talking BF has been avoiding talking to me about what happened is that she is 10 weeks pregnant herself with her first baby.
She told me yesterday and I am just thrilled for her but I found it has stirred up alot.

When she told me I asked her loads of questions and found myself swapping pregnancy stories with her, eg "when I did my test this happened..." or "I felt so sick all I could eat was..." It totally brought back all the huge emotions I felt around my pregnancy, all the thrilling, exciting, terrifying panic about it all.

And then I realised two things:
1> I can only share these experiences with her for another few weeks and then her journey takes it's own route. All the things that were going to come to me, I am going to watch her go through instead.
2> I realised she probably doesn't want to compare her pregnancy experiences to my pregnancy experiences, knowing how my journey ended.

Now I'm the one who is at a loss as to how to react or what to say.

I also listened to her talk about how her fiance is reacting to it all and all the daily questions, worries and joys they are sharing together. It made me realise that these little intimacies are one of the things I loved about the pregnancy journey DH and I started and I really, really miss it.

Anyway, I have had a really rough night and have come home from work today as I don't seem to be able to hold it together. This is the rawest I have felt since the first week after we found out our wee man had left us. BF was so worried about telling me her news, I need to get myself together before I see her again.

Ladies, it has already been so helpful toget this down in type and make sense of it all, please don't feel you have to post back, all your advice and support has been a real rock for me recently. I'm just getting it all out there I guess. Otherwise I'll go mad.

My love and gratitude to you all for listening.

C.x

[dory]

kermit4 - That is tough. Good for your BF for telling you, it would have taken her a lot of courage to do so. It seems like you both love and cherish each other, but what happens next will depend on how you are both able to manage the reality of her journey taking a different path. It might be that this friendship just lays low for a while because you both or one of you needs it to. Only you both can answer that.

I have been through the same experiences too. I know what it feels like to feel left behind, and I know what it feels like to see your friend experiencing the things that you want to, and would have been. I have been pretty lucky in that the two women I am thinking about were honestly just amazing women and friends. One friend was about 4 weeks ahead of me in one my pg, and when I m/c, I know she was devastated for me and scared for her own pg, but not once did she ever shy away from me. And then when her little DS was born, she was so sensitive to my feelings. But you know what? I just love that little guy with all my heart. I know he's not my Amelia, but I feel like I have a real bond with him. I love to nurse him and be with him, and she lets me. Her friendship means so much to me, and I really am amazed that she could dig so deep and be there for me, even through her own fears. I am truly blessed. My other friend? In a different pg we were both pg at the same time, and she m/c before me, and for a period of about 4 weeks, I felt so guilty but relieved that my pg was continuing. She needed some space from me while she grieved and I probably needed some space too. But then I m/c, so we were best buddies in our misery, which not a lot of our other friends could share. So I've been on both sides. I honestly don't think I steppedup for my friend who m/c like my friend with the DS did for me. But really, see if you can talk it out and see where you get to.

Good luck. There are so many challenges.

[kermit4]

Dory,

Thanks so much for your reply, your advice is, as always, so relevant and sound. I really am grateful of the time you have taken to share it.

Your insight into my BFs perspective is so valuable. I think it will be a challenge for BF and I, but knowing her incredible generousity and openess I think it will be me who has to find a way to support her pg without cracking up. I think it's cards-on-the-table time for us both. I'm never great with these get-your-feelings-out-there conversations but she means enough to me to just get on with it.

As for another great piece of advice you've given, I have taken some steps towards finding a counseller as I was a bit taken aback at my reaction and how I've been feeling since she told me. I thought I was moving forward but think I might have just been distracting myself.

It sounds like you have had a difficult journey with your friends too but it is encouraging you have managed to keep the communication going whilst going through so much heartache. I guess all these things take time and patience.

Thanks again,
C.x

[dory]

kermit4 - you are most welcome. why not share this hard earnt "wisdom". if it helps than great, if i doesn't then I get to pontificate and talk about myself! hah. a little ego goes a long way.

I have such a sense of achievement because I haven't been to my counsellor since 18 Dec 09. Seems like an eternity in some respects, but each day I am so proud of myself that I am going ok. I am however not to proud to go back. I love my counsellor. She was the only person that helped me feel safe and valued, even when I couldn't get that from DH. After the sessions I would have the most complete feeling of peace, like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I am so indebted to her, it brings tears to my eyes as to just how much she means to me and how much she has helped me. So when you find the right one, it can be magic. Good luck.

I know what you mean about the D&M's - not really my style either, but for some friendships, it's worth it. Only you can make that decision. But if what ever decision you make is not working for you, do something about it.

Honestly, it's my pleasure. I would like to be able to help if I can. It helps ease my pain. And sometimes for some inexplicable reason I just connect to something in someones post and I connected with you.

[kermit4]

dory,

no words, just tears in my eyes.
Bless you.

C.x