Does anyone have any helpful articles/links about 'Silent Expectations' in relationships?
I've tried to write this post a few times, but every time I've struggled. Half of me wants to completely ignore my own issues with 'Silent Expectations', part of me wants to keep thinking "Why shouldn't Shel know what I want and need?" and to keep thinking I am valid in my unfulfilled disappointment and frustration.
And then theres another part that knows that its just not working for me. It never has of course, but I've always had my head in the sand and thinking I was totally justified in my expectations, and totally justified by being really angry at her by 'ignoring' my wants/needs.
I'd really also like to hear from others who have struggled with their own silent expectations of their partner. How have you overcome that?
Sometimes I feel like the frustration builds up so much and I explode (not silently!) and really i feel for Shel and Jazz as to them it would seem to come out of nowhere, but for me it would be a days worth of frustration I've been stewing on.
I don't even know if it what you would call 'silent expectations'. Things like really wanting a sleep-in, or feeling like I shouldn't have to stop everything I'm doing to see to Jazz when I am studying and she is playing stupid Bejeweled Blitz that she apparently can't stop playing....
But I struggle saying it out loud. Why??? I really struggle to say "Can you please look after Jazz while I study"... I don't want to disrupt her I guess because I know how frustrating it is to be disrupted... but in the same breath why can't she acknowledge that its frustrating for me to be disrupted? I'd like to think maybe she just doesn't realise........ but then I think OMG how can she not realise? She's just being IGNORANT and RUDE... and I get so frustrated but I just bury bury bury until I can't bury any more!
But logically I know I can't justify being angry at her... because I've never actually said that it, or anything else, makes me frustrated or angry.
So... anyone? I know this is totally my issue, I should express my expectations. Whether or not Shel *should* know what Ii want/need, maybe she doesn't, and obviously she doesnt realise how important and frustrating it is to me...
Ultimately its me getting 'hurt'. I'M holding the expectations, I feel the disappointment, I suffer the frustration. I allow ot to continue by not saying anything... ARGH! WHY can't I just express it???
Anyway... surely I'm not the only one?
Oh and I've looked up "languages of love" and as yet have npot found anything helpfiul. Yeah I get we all have different 'priorities', but I know that... I need some help on working out why I have such trouble telling her my expectations.
I totally used to be like this with DP but have gradually realised that he needs me to tell him stuff directly rather than hint, sigh or tell him what he did wrong 24 hours later
It didn't come easily at first but now it's almost second nature. And funnily enough, the more you tell them stuff, the less you have to tell them because after a while the penny does drop for them too.
I guess the impetus to change for me was also the realisation that no matter how justified I might feel in expecting DP to read my mind, it just wasn't working. And, as per my motto or recent months, "if nothing changes, nothing changes."
Maybe you need to set some ground-rules, initially for when you study. As in "Shell, when I am studying, I prefer not to be disturbed, could you please look after Jazz's needs during this time."
It could be a start. Then you could work up to the other issues.
I have expectations of certain behaviour, as I get older I think I'm getting more set in my ways, and I "don't suffer fools gladly".
Thanks Fiona
How did you go at first? Did her get cranky with all your 'wants'?
Sopdet, I think if I could actually tell her, it'd be ok, but I just struggle and I know the answer should be to JUST TELL HER! lol! I know! But I'd love to know how to get to the bottom of why I don't IYKWIM?
I do know what you mean.... and I am the same sometimes! Maybe it's a libran thing. It's hard to ask because on the one hand we think it should be obvious. It just seems fair, and to us, to me anyway, what is fair in a relationship seems to be the way it should be. It should be obvious and if it's not the other person is being selfish. The other reason why it's hard to ask is I'm afraid the other person will say no.... I have been in those crappy relationships in the past where I've asked for something perfectly reasonable which I have done for the other person a hundred times a day and got my head bitten off.
What I have found that helps (but it's not easy) is to calmly ask for certain things like Sopdet suggested, or calmly broach the subject in general terms. For example I recently started back at work and I said to the Bear "when I go back to work I will really need you to help around the house more". He could acknowledge that there was room for improvement and we went from there. I think what we fear is that the other person will tell us to get stuffed. But I think as a starting point you can say to yourself "I need to be more clear about what I need from my partner". If you can express your needs clearly and without anger, but your partner can't respect and help you with that, then really you have a different, and much bigger problem.
HTH
Is it possible that it is more of an issue now cause you are deep down worried about the role reversal coming up? I know when my life is about to change (before I got married, before I had each child, before we bought a house), so many things that I had just accepted and carried on with came to the forfront of my mind and really stress me to the point of snapping and having meltdowns.
I also think Shel will start realising how important that time for you really is when she is the SAHM. Whether it be for study, or an hour to soak in the bath in peace. I have been leaving DH with both kids every now and then, just so he understands. I am normally only gone for a max of 2 hours, but enough that he realises I might appreciate some help if they are whining or crying. IT is amazing how being placed in your shoes for just a few hours will make someone see things differently.
Hope you can work out a way to overcome it and talk to her..
I was also going to say FWIW I think Shel must be a pretty fair minded person to be so enthusiastic about genuinely splitting working and staying at home so if you can approach her without exploding you might find she is quite receptive. I understand the feeling that she should realise what is fair and just do it, but sometimes I think partners just don't spend as much time thinking about these things as we do.
And :yeahthat: to what Happy Mummy said.
I think it comes down to a matter of self esteem. When we have good self esteem we don't have any qualms asking for what we want/need/deserve. When our self esteem is low, we doubt whether we are entitled to what we want, or we are worried about upsetting someone else or putting them out, so we don't ask for our needs to be met. Unfortunately this doesn't make our needs go away though! It's just a recipe for resentment.
I overcame this by realising what was happening, reflecting on whether or not my 'silent expectations' were reasonable, deciding that most of them were, and then sitting down with my partner & having a good long discussion about my feelings and what I need in terms of support (with the kids, house, day-to-day stuff, emotional support, etc). I just plain well laid it on the table. And he responded brilliantly. He was relieved to finally know what I wanted & was glad to be able to stop walking on eggshells trying to please me without ever knowing what it was I wanted. He has really picked up the slack, I'm soooooo much less grumpy, and the love & affection in our relationship has tripled because communication has opened up.
And you know what I discovered? A sleep-in that your partner gives you one because they *know* you need it feels just as good as a sleep-in that your partner gives you because they have *guessed* that you need it. Maybe better, because in the former you're communicating effectively - your partner knows you need a sleep-in because you've talked about how bubs is sleeping, how you're feeling, what's going on, etc - but in the latter you're communicating passively (if at all).
So give it a go. You'll open up all manner of communication & closeness.
Silent expectations
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