Feeling a little empty

[Indadhanu]

I'm sad

I'm sad because I'm starting work next week, this is my last week of being a SAHM. Probably forever. I'll never get to do this again If I take up the training I am being offered, I have to sign a contract to stay with them for x number of years after the training finishes in 2013, which takes baby-making off the table for me for at least 5-10 years.

Shel is having the next one, TTC within the next 12-18 months, so its not like we'll never have another baby in the house, but we can't even do what we have done now (swap roles once bub is 18ish months) because even if i could leave my job, which I won't be able to because I will probably still be training or have JUST finished my training, Shel is completly untrained, unskilled, and the chances of her getting a job that could actually support us as a family of 4 anywhere except where she is about to leave is pretty slim. We've talked about her studying, but she isn't sure.

And I don't think I could turn down the opportunity and give up $12,000 worth of training I'd be basically out of a job as they want staff to have the training.

I've been fooling myself, thinking "it's not forever" but I just feel it inside of me that I'll never do this again, I'll never be a SAHM again, never give birth, never.

I also contacted our clinic yesterday, after a post on here got me thinking, and found out that our donor is no longer available. So there will never be another little Jazzy I don't even know why that affects me so much, it was always a possibility, in fact it was pretty much a given, but it just twangs a little.

No replies needed, no answers or suggestions, I just needed to get it out, I've been carrying it around for a while but never really knew what it was.
Please don't say "you're only 23" because it won't make me feel better, and there are too many things in the way for me to be able to have another bub in 10 years. It's not like it can accidentally happen... and we only want two, maybe three kids, and we want to stop once the oldest is 10, and ultimately Shel just can't support us since she has no job prospects (I'm not being mean, she left in year 10, is almost 29, has no qualifications, so just doesn't have the capacity to find another job once she leaves, and she doesn't want to go back into cleaning).
So unless something dramatic changes, this is it...

Just feeling a bit ... sad, a bit empty. Shel never wanted to physicaly have kids, so I always thought I'd have another go, and now she has said she wants to. I guess it's just all hit me at once. I don't feel like I can say any of this to her though, because she wants to experience pregnancy and birth and be the bio-mum, and I want her to because she wants to. I want her to be SAHM to Jazz, I want them to have that together, I think they deserve it, and I am excited about my job and evolving career. I don't want her to feel like decisions she makes are upsetting me, and its my issue anyway.

Anyway... now its out. I'm sad because I'll probably never give birth again. Never be a SAHM again. I feel a little fragile.