ungrateful older kids,dont even notice how much we do/pay/clean, contibuting to bills

[sue1386]

ungrateful older kids. they dont even notice how much we do/pay for them!

i have had some good years and experiences and some really bad ones of kids totally not realising how much we do and pay for them and treating me so badly and getting away with it as there is noone in the family who would put them in their place

i remember seeing a different situation where a father stood up and said to the teen' there isnt enough money that could pay your mother for what she does for you'

i'm really sick of this. we follow up health things, questions, education, we clean we buy food pay bills and they are so so so selfish and not recognising realising any of this.

he also says taht all his friends say its ridiculous that he should contribute to any bills, while in so many families this is needed and common and i cant afford allthe bills as a single parent and every child does add alot to bills.

I've given decades of my life to my kids and i'm feeling for my own health and progress i need to focus on myself, all areas of my life and not take them so seriously as they drain my health, and are so downputting. I feel gutted by their ungratefulness, tempers, rudeness taking without even realising how much they take etc. and truly i've had enough

any comments please.

how can i get them to be more grateful

they dont even notice how much work goes into returning things, getting things, following up things. so what am i meant to do , next time they ask for something or mention an issue tell them that in the past i've followed thigns up and helped them and thent hey act like i do nothing and are so ungrateful not even noticing how much i do for them , so i dont think i want to help in this situation.

its really tough to be a parent and be so taken for granted. the less i do the better fo rmy health i think but i've been alone in my life so i dont want them to be alone when they need support, but i do wish they would remember and appreciate much much more. they dont seem to remember or appreciate anything!

[BrightSparkles]

As i've said before, it's up to you to stand up and let these kids know whats happening and how you feel. Yes - I can imagine it would be hard, but until you start standing up for yourself, these kids are going to continue walking all over you.

I've given decades of my life to my kids and i'm feeling for my own health and progress i need to focus on myself, all areas of my life and not take them so seriously as they drain my health, and are so downputting. I feel gutted by their ungratefulness, tempers, rudeness taking without even realising how much they take etc. and truly i've had enough

It's up to you how your life continues. As my little saying says... don't let the events of the past determine what your future is going to be like.
You and only you have the power to change how people treat you.

[diannescruffy]

You are the mother so you should be putting your children in their place, no one else. If the older children are working I don't see anything wrong in making them pay some board and buying their own necessities. Only you can solve this problem.

Regards,
Dianne

[fourthontheway]

Wow, you are feeling really frustrated and unappreciated, I'm sorry

Maybe the way to go about this is to simply r=stop doing things that are not appreciated. If you wash their clothes and they don't thankyou, don't wash them again. If you can not afford to pay bills which are specifically for them, cut the service off.

They ned to learn to be responsible for themselves, and while you take on this responsibility out of love (very natural) it's not YOUR responsibility to do that stuff once they are of an age they can do it. What is the worst thing that can happen? they wear dirty clothes? They'll learn to wash pretty fast, they can't use their phone as much? When the money is coming out of their own pocket they'll see that it was hard for you and that they should have been grateful. If they don't return something (I assume you mean library books or dvd's ?) they'll get late fees, if they don't pay the late fees they can't hire books or movies. If the cards they're borrowing on are in your name, return the goods on your a/c and cancel the a/c or change the password etc.

I'm not saying do it all in one go - unless you want to! But you ARE entitled to some gratitude and respect.

Love to you, I hope you find the right solution xxx

[Tinks]

I totally agee with fourthontheway!

Stop doing everything that they don't acknowledge you do. They'll soon see just how much you do for them.


Can I ask how old your kids are?

I've read some of your other posts about this issue and while I sympathyse with you something sticks out to me.

To quote you:

I've given decades of my life to my kids and i'm feeling for my own health and progress i need to focus on myself, all areas of my life and not take them so seriously as they drain my health, and are so downputting. I feel gutted by their ungratefulness, tempers, rudeness taking without even realising how much they take etc. and truly i've had enough

To me it seems as though your kids are treating you this way because this is how you treat them. Perhaps you've unknowingly taught them to behave in this way.

[sue1386]

its a good theory to step back physcially and emotionally

in practice , some have extra needs and need support so they end up getting support even if they are in some ways a burden, or rude or unappreciative, unaware of how much time money everything takes, and at times i suffer from them being troubled, but i have compassion. a relative in my family was like that, mistreated, but always gave when she could. I am struggling with that. Its not what i want but it seems at times the best choice.

[AliBaby]

How old are your kids Sue?

[BrightSparkles]

I read your posts and honestly believe that you are stuck in a victim role. Until you stop playing this your kids are going to keeps treating you this way.

Yes - some people have extra support and in your case it's up to you to find these support rather than just giving up and thinking things are going to fall into your lap.
Being a parent is a hard job, but it's up to you how hard you make it.
I'm not going to reply to anymore posts here because I believe that you have been given so much information and it's now up to you to use the information the lovely girls here have provided you with.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work things out.

[skeetaboat]

Sue, every time someone suggests something you could do to make it better (and in almost all cases it's been very good, practical advice that works in all sorts of situations, like boundaries, rules, taking charge of what you will and won't do for others), you come up with a reason why you don't want to try the advice offered. This leads me to think that you're not really looking for ways you could change your situation and relationships, but rather, that you want things to stay as they are. You're not posting to get strategies or ideas to help your situation, just to vent, is that right?

[MrsFabuloso]

Sue, I too have read alot of your posts, but haven't responded to any as I didn't really know how to say what I have to say. But one thing always comes to my mind when I read your posts and that is a saying one of my bellybuddy friends told me, which is 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'. Meaning if you continue to leave things as they are, to be the same as it ever was, then it will always be the same as it ever was. Noone in your life has any motivation to change it, but you. You sound like you are the only one losing out in your life. You are the only one who can change any of it. I can understand it may be difficult with several children in tow, or children with special needs, and on your own too. But if you don't like your life the way it is, you need to change it. YOU need to put into place some strategies to follow, and do it. As I said, noone else has any reason, any motivation to change your life for you, everyone else has their own life and battles they are dealing with.
Big hugs to you, you sound like you're not feeling so great. It is really horrible to feel helpless, but until you realise that only you can help yourself (be it going to some sort of life coaching classes, or talking it out really honestly with your children), your life will continue to be what it alway has been.

[AliBaby]

its a good theory to step back physcially and emotionally

in practice , some have extra needs and need support so they end up getting support even if they are in some ways a burden, or rude or unappreciative, unaware of how much time money everything takes, and at times i suffer from them being troubled, but i have compassion. a relative in my family was like that, mistreated, but always gave when she could. I am struggling with that. Its not what i want but it seems at times the best choice.

I havent read your other threads but what exactly are there special needs. What type of support are they being given?

[Shades]

Sue, maybe I'm being daft, but I'm not sure why you keep posting new threads on the same topic? Why not just add new information to previous threads regarding this situation, that way the responders would have more background without you having to rehash it all every time...
There are at least three previous threads posted by yourself, with the same complaints and issues... and the same advice comes up every time. You either ignore it, give reasons why it won't work, or respond with 'that's your experience, not mine'... I'm unclear as to why you keep posting asking for advice when you don't seem to believe that other's experiences can have any bearing, or take the advice that is offered?
When you are asked questions that may help to give a clearer picture of your situation, you ignore these as well.
It's quite frustrating for those trying to help you.
Maybe if you put some info in your signature, like your children's ages, and the specific medical/support issues that each child has, just so we can keep better track and hopefully give more relevant responses

[Tinks]

I suppose I could call my kids are ungrateful too Sue, they have no idea waht I go through every day at work to make money for the things they need and want, they expect meals to be on the table, food to be in the pantry and clothes washed. They only think of themselves, they leave lights on in rooms they're not in and they waste food, they use the phone without asking etc. But they're kids and I am their mother, it's what we do.

I also understand your point about having nurtured them for many years with no thanks or appreciation on their behalf....I don't think I've ever thanked my parents for all they've done for me over the years - have you?

To me what is going on in your household is perfectly normal! All you can do from here is teach them to be more responsible for themselves. Perhaps start by giving them all a washing basket of their own and a roster for use of the washing machine or ask them to take turns cooking a meal every night.

Sue, I really think you and your family need some professional help for this. There's nothing else we here on BB can say to you that we already haven't. I hope your situation gets better.

[sue1386]

there are many reasons to post not just one

reminders of if there are boundaries or communication that could help

professional help has never helped or changed the path in our life it was a waste of time and money. i am not prepared to do more courses or counselling for selfish kids. i didnt find it changed anything. only them moving out changed my life, or me deciding moment by moment how much i want to keep my distance or be involved.

some things dont get solved fast dont have hard and fast solutions

pointing out things to be grateful for may help

part of it is 'part and parcel 'and ' what we do' as one mentioned it, but it is sometimes more than what we do when the finances arent there to support older kids and its not even appreciated, and we do so much and yet its not even remembered. part of that might be normal, it still pretty horrible and denergising demoralising and draining.

some people/children are easier to get along with than others

some situations are solved more easily than others

other situations are negotiated or examined over time and may or may not have hard and fast solutions but nevertheless reaching out and hearing what others say or are experiencing may be helpful.

i ahve seen posts on other forums about such things and about how much it works fo rkids to contribute financially, so its something on the mind of many.

one common stats for sole parents is that money goes down and so does discipline as if 2 people reinforce something they are heard much more than when one person tries to reinforce something and carry all else alone aswell. and often the one who is there doing everything is the one who also suffers the most from lack of appreciation for so much they do or any other fall out of difficult or troubled children.

it could be only when they have to run their own homes and finances alone will they appreciate how much time and money is involved.

[LimeSlice]

Sue, I have never seen any of your other posts that I can recall.
I have no knowledge of your family or your situation.

But my own mother is no longer here to say this to, and I wish she was - nobody ever said it enough when she was here:
Thank you. Thank you for sacrificing for your children, for all the late nights, the school camps, the dinners and lunch boxes, the shoulder to dry on, the clean washing, the vacuumed floors. The made beds and soccer games, the car trips and rescue missions at 2am, school books and Christmas presents. The handkerchiefs, the dentist visits, the hand holding, the birthday cakes...The polished school shoes, the Canteen Duties, the help with school projects the night before they were due, the shopping trips and hair cuts...Thank you for you love and support, your compassion and understanding, your faith and healing...And thank you for the knowledge you will do any and all until the end of days for your children.

I hope that they will realize how special mum is before it is too late.

[diannescruffy]

Being a sole parent does not mean that discipline goes down. I have many friends who are single parents and their children are probably better disciplined than what my children are. I am married but my DH doesn't get involved in the discipline of the children so in that area I am alone. The things you have mentioned in your response are things that every family go through, not just yourself. Many families have financial issues your not the only one but it is how you manage and go about these issues. These are all just excuses and until you decide to change you will always be facing these same issues and will always be in here posting the same questions.

Regards,
Dianne

[AliBaby]

Okay Sue, I actually took the time to go through your other threads seeming you didnt answer any questions that could have helped me try and help and I am going to say what is my honest opinion from the info gathered.

I take it you have at least 3 children. Your eldest must be at least 30? A daughter in high school, a daughter who has a baby that had it at an early age and a son who does drugs??? You have been eperated from an abusive husband for quite some time? You are in a relationship with a man you dont love but you are keeping him around because he is helpful and does things and is smart? You and your mother do not get on as she takes money of you and does not help? You work full time and want to get a nanny or is that for a friend? Or are you a nanny? I am confused. Am I right or is that wrong?

-You need to stop playing the victim role. I know that sounds harsh but being so negative would be rubbing off on your kids and its any wonder the way they are.
-I understand you have been through a very destructive relationship with a previous partner (I presume the childrens father??) but you are out of that relationship and from your posts, I gather for a while. These are YOUR children. YOU are their MOTHER. Mothers should love unconditionally, it doesnt mean you always have to LIKE your children but I think you need to understand that these children have been through whatever you have been through as well. Yes they are not the ones who have paid bills and might not have said all the thank yous that they should but I dont know many families that the children do. It doesnt mean that they dont. One day they will realise and as Limeslice said, I hope its not to late.
-You have a child at high school still (I gather from the thread about homework). Well go and speak to the school. Its not up to your family to communicate with the school or deal directly with your childrens issues, its up to you. You need to be more pro-active. Yes its tiring but that is being a parent.
-I honestly dont understand your relationship with whoever this male is. Your threads are rather confusing about him as you say one thing about him one thread and then something totally different in another thread.
-You are so dismissive of getting counselling which is fine but why are you asking for help from us if you dont want to change anything.
-Dr Phil and Oprah are like consellors. Yes very famous ones but all they do is what a counsellor would do anyway so if you are in desperate need of their help, go and see a consellor.

I really dont know what else to say, but will end with this.

There is a very big difference between hearing advice and actually listening to it. I suggest you really open your ears and mind to advice that you have been given.

I really do hope that you can put some suggestions in place that you have been given. It is not going to make the situation any worse by at least trying them out.

[MrsFabuloso]

Wow, Alibaby. You have gone above and beyond! What a lovely thing to do. How very thoughtful of you to go looking for the info and help.
I have to spread the love, but I will try to remember to come back here and give you some rep points!