I just don't *want* to

**Toomanytoomany** · March 4th, 2010, 05:45 PM

It's lucky Tom won't take formula or a bottle, because it wouldn't take much to make me give up breastfeeding right now.

I don't even know why - it's all going quite well. He is ten months old, and he's always nursed like a champ. I've had no supply or attachment issues. In fact, it's gone like a dream.

I've been sick all week with first a migraine and now a gastro bug, and I just want to be left alone. Tom wakes up at least twice a night for a feed (and I know he's hungry because he guzzles down a big drink and then goes straight back to sleep) and I'm just so tired. I can't make him take more solids, I've tried.

I'm trying to pull back on the nighttime feeding a bit - not letting him stay on as long as he'd like, for instance, trying to settle him without the boob if he wakes too soon, etc. I'm very run down, and finding it hard to cope with the lack of sleep. Tom won't co-sleep, and I don't sleep well with him in the bed anyway.

I love snuggling up with him in bed (he mostly has to feed lying down, for some reason), particularly when I have got home from work (I work two days a week, will be four days a week starting April) and when he's fallen asleep at the breast, it's just the best feeling in the world. But he scratches me while he's feeding, he can be a bit awkard... and I'm just a bit fed up, really. I know dh is too.

I guess I just need some encouragement to get over the hump. I breastfed my last two kiddos until they were two and I'd like to do the same with Tom.

**fionas** · March 4th, 2010, 05:52 PM

No advice because DD and I never got the hang of BFing but just wanted to pop in and give you some hugs and to say hello because I haven't seen you around for ages and was wondering where you went.

Hope things improve and you feel better rested.

Sure the other girls will pop in with better words

**mbear** · March 4th, 2010, 06:08 PM

I'm trying to pull back on the nighttime feeding a bit - not letting him stay on as long as he'd like, for instance, trying to settle him without the boob if he wakes too soon, etc. I'm very run down, and finding it hard to cope with the lack of sleep. Tom won't co-sleep, and I don't sleep well with him in the bed anyway.

.....delete the Tom, and put my DH's name in, and you just wrote how i am feeling right now...
DS is 9 months. Very much boob reliant. Whilst i maybe only up 7 mins a time at night,its still uniterrupted sleep, and after 9 months of it....quite frankly im exhausted as you describe.

Ive had the 'why dont you give him formula' speal, 'why cant you wean' speal...whilst it sounds glorious that that might just work, a) what if it doesnt?....and ive given up my b/f journey with him, yet we're still having unsettled nights, b) i know, 2,3,5,10 years down the track, i would feel like ive let him down, i would feel like i gave the other 3 children, 12 months of me, why couldnt i do it for #4....harsh i know, but thats me. Thats what keeps me going, the future, knowing i wont be doing this forever, one day i will wish he would wake up for a b/f and a cuddle.....GL......

**Barb Glare** · March 4th, 2010, 06:48 PM

Hi,

I'm sorry you are feeling so unwell.
Sometimes mothering is just sheer, unrelenting hard work. And made more difficult when you are sick. But this is essentially true regardless of how you feed your child. When you are breastfeeding some-times you do end up feeling like it;s all up to you. But somehow babies have radar for their mum - especially when she is feeling least able to cope
To top in all off, the bottle is so often held up by friends and family as a golden beacon. Putting your baby on the bottle will solve everything. I'm here to tell you it's not so!
But, go easy on yourself. Accept offers of help, and enlist help from your partner and friend. You can take a little time for yourself, even with a breastfed baby.
And you can always vent to your friends - we understand it's sometimes hard going. Sometimes we all fake it....til we mean it again

**Toomanytoomany** · March 5th, 2010, 08:37 AM

Thanks - and i know that bottle feeding wouldn't be the magic solution anyway, even if he'd take it. I have never even tried him with formula. He just refuses bottles, even with EBM.

My husband is a great help but I don't have many friends. I have a couple who take some of the bigger kids off for me some time, although they are such great kids I don't really need that. I Just. Need. Sleep. I've been parenting for twenty years, I'm forty years old with five kids living at home, from a demanding eighteen year old doing her last year of highscool, a twelve year old starting highschool, a ten year old, a very demanding six year old, and this delightful but high maintenance baby... and I think I'm just absolutely worn out. I could weep for it. To be honest, if I look at it positively, the thing breastfeeding Tom is great for is that I have to lie down to feed him - and I need to make more of that. Just lie there and enjoy. Lots of telly. Lots of reading. It's just this week, it feels like one huge drain on my body when I'm already having trouble!

I really need a holiday but we don't have one of those in the offing for quite some time, and money is tight anyway. I was so on top of things a few weeks ago....

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Fiona, thanks for your message

I've been so busy with Tom and what have you that I haven't had a lot of online time. I'm on Facebook if you want to keep up - my email is jane.still@gmail.com.

**Traveller** · March 5th, 2010, 08:52 AM

I can fully sympathise. I went through the exact same emotions a number of times with the twins (at 9 mths, 15mths and 20mths if I recall correctly). When I eventually stopped feeding them (at 20 months) I was reluctant to tell my friends that I was just over it and wanted myself back. And do you know what, they all admitted they understood and have been through the same thing. I suspect it is one of the great unspoken secrets, that sometimes despite all health benefits and convenience, breastfeeding isn't fun.

I hope you feel better soon and get back into the swing of enjoying breastfeeding your bubba, but in the interim know you are not alone and you are highly respected for getting through this. Take care

T
xx

**~clover~** · March 5th, 2010, 08:54 AM

I felt like that a few times, but it was DS's will to keep going that kept me going.
Hope you feel better soon xx

**onthefly** · March 5th, 2010, 09:45 AM

Time out!
Wow, your life is hectic, no wonder you feel that way.

I think it's easy to get touched out with breastfeeding, in a way that might not happen if your bottle feeding. But I'm sure it's still hard work no matter how you feed your baby.
Sorry I can't offer any practical help - sounds like you really just need a break and time for yourself.

**Toomanytoomany** · September 30th, 2010, 06:02 PM

This thread is so nice to read back on. Still breastfeeding Tom who is now 17 months. Still exhausted lol. I'm working four days a week now and still up two or three times a night!